Adult children ruining relationship with husband


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I have a conflict that's impacting my marriage and I'm no longer sure what to do about it.

My husband and I have four children, three of them are adults. Two of my adult children and their families are living with us due to drug & alchohol problems. I work full-time in order to provide insurance for everyone and my two adult children do not have jobs. I know my kids are messed up, but when I was young I committed every sin in the book and I don't feel right about abandoing them. If I kick them out of the house, I don't know what will happen to them.

My husband disagrees with me. He wants them gone. All the extra grandkids and the stress are causing him depression and it's causaing conflict in our marriage.

Not sure what to do anymore.

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Nadia, at various times I have observed in myself and others an apparent motivation to attempt to "atone" for failures of the past. Restitution is a sound principle, yet I feel it is all too easy to let guilt, rater than love become a motivator to the point that we get confused. I'm wondering if you might be in a similar situation.

I think one of the first things you need to define (for everyone here to give advice, if not for yourself too) is: What do you want for your two adult children?

Do you want them to 'have it easy' and not have to work, etc in order for you to 'make up for the past'? Or do you want them to grow up, get clean, get a job and move out? Or something in between?

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Sometime people need to hit rock bottom beofore they learn to pick themselves up. (Or before they are ready to pick themselves up.) I had to kick my ex out, before he got clean. But I guess I still enabled him in rehab, and after, because I paid for him to be there. I shoulda had him do all of it, then maybe it woulda lasted longer.

Anyway, my point is you keeping them there is not really helping them. Perhaps you can keep the innocent children or something, but the adults need to be out. Then perhaps they will realize what they are loosing if they don't pull it together, and they will get cleaned up and get jobs.

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Your kids are adults. They really need to dig themselves out the hole they dug. Not you! At some point it stopped being your fault and their choices were their own. You can't fix this. All you can do is give them the love and support to fix it themselves.

Now... having said that. I'm guilty! My son and his son live with us. There are days when I pull my hair out. I would kick my son to the curb yesterday if it wasn't for my grandson. My grandson is the only reason my son has a roof over his head, a bed to sleep and a car (cheap, falling apart) to get to work.

I haven't figured out how to let my son fall on his face and still catch my grandson.

You and your husband need to be on the same page. So talk it through. Set rules and boundaries and stick to it. Don't give them money. Don't drive them to find a job. I hope you live where they can catch a bus. If you can't kick them out then you only provide the absolutely bare minimum---- a roof and food. NOTHING else! If they help clean the house they can earn TV time. Seriously... go this far. If they can't contribute by cleaning the house then you don't contribute to their entertainment. A job is the first goal. They have to get a job!!!

If you have to lock up your heart for a while do it! This is about being a parent. Parents are not best friends. Parents are not a bank. Parenting is hard work. Harder when its an adult with children.

You have to be strong and do the right thing. If you don't...this will go on and on forever.

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Wow, this sounds kind of like my coworker's situation 'cept she has more adult kids at home. Frankly, she's sometimes hard to deal with because she brings to work all the stress of her kids. She sometimes breaks down crying and for the life of me I can't fathom why she does it to herself. 'Course, I'm not a parent, so perhaps I just don't have the knowledge.

From what I do understand, your marriage should come before your adult children. When circumstances can be helped you should not be sacrificing your husband for children you should be done raising. Also, it sounds like you have a fourth kid who is not yet of age. THAT is the only kid you should be raising at this point. How is this situation affecting him/her?

Are you in a situation where you can have some dates alone with your husband? He probably needs attention and a time to calm down and discuss this.

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You are paying their bills and giving them a roof, so they can be jobless addict baby factories? And you're doing it out of misplaced irrational guilt? That doesn't sound like what a mother should do. That sort of sounds like abandoning them to their problems, and enabling their lifestyle.

My wife is working with a jobless alcoholic girl and her parents. The parents have given her a deal - complete detox and rehab and get a job, and the parents will give her a roof. If she ends up in the ER or jail again, does not make and keep detox/rehab appointments, and is not employed by a reasonable date, she will be evicted. Of course the parents love her and want her to pick the first option, but they realize they're not doing their daughter any favors by enabling her behavior.

Now your situation is more complex, with the spouses and children. But at the end of the day, it's your house and your rules. You and your hubby are the responsible adults - work with them to set out a plan to get them clean, employed, and out.

Addicts and apathetic bums are experts at calling bluffs. Make arrangements to have them forcibly evicted (maybe have the cops present). Tell them your grandkids can stay, but the jobless addicts are out. After they see some reality, then you can negotiate a plan to let them come back. And you stick to it.

It takes much strength from you, and a good support system for you, and lots of praying. But that's one good way to handle it.

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Perhaps explaining the house rules (contributing to the home, getting a job, etc.) and then holding them accountable would be a good place to start. If they abide by the house rules that you and your husband have established then great! If they choose not to, then they have made their choice and you aren't kicking them out, they are simply suffering the consequence of their action or inaction.

-RM

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It is very hard to kick kids out. I cant do it if there is any chance they are trying.

Ask yourself a few questions.

1. Are they trying to get clean? Do they attend AA or DA meetings and/or go to counseling?

2. Are they actively looking for work?

If they wont do these basic things then boot them. They are not even trying. Since they can not take care of the kids I would keep them. If after a set time they have not taken steps to be able to raise them then adopt them so you have guardianship rights and tax credits. The kids can not be bounced around. I do not favor grandparents raising grandkids but sometimes there is no choice for their sakes.

Your past is the past. It has nothing to do with this problem no matter how bad you were THEN. Quit excusing them. They are adults and make their own decisions. I am not much good at making sympathy noises but you are in a rough place. We have been there so we do know how it is. I am not fond of tough love and you can not kick anyone out into the snow. Still summer is very nice even if a person has to camp out in a sleeping bag if they wont try.

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I don't know about your state, but in my state if you can prove that you are the sole supporter of your grandchild and that their well-being is based on you providing/caring for them (like their parents live with you and don't have dependable jobs) you can apply for custody of them. A friend of mine has done that with one of her grandchildren. Her grandson lives with her, and the mom and dad had to get jobs to pay her child support, after moving out. IF they ever clean themselves up and become responsible she can always undo the custody.

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I don't know about your state, but in my state if you can prove that you are the sole supporter of your grandchild and that their well-being is based on you providing/caring for them (like their parents live with you and don't have dependable jobs) you can apply for custody of them. A friend of mine has done that with one of her grandchildren. Her grandson lives with her, and the mom and dad had to get jobs to pay her child support, after moving out. IF they ever clean themselves up and become responsible she can always undo the custody.

I wish that was the way it worked in Utah sometimes. To change custody here it has to go before a judge and there has to be a trial of sorts to prove the parent unfit. Just living in your home and not financially supporting the child isn't enough.

In some ways I think that's the best way. Each set of circumstances is different. I would hate to see a parent lose custody because they are struggling financially, living with parents, and made their mom angry.

I think family law should be a bit less complicated.

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At the end of the day, if you have raised them, and done all you can, then you shouldn't be responsible for them and their actions. Do all you can to help them of course, because they have your grandchildren, but this can be done without them being under your roof. Help them with a small place, jobs, and counseling etc, it doesn't have to be at the expense of your own husbands health and well being. hope it all works out, :)

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I think b/c of all the messed up messages we receive from society, raising kids can be very difficult. John Rosemond has some excellent books on parenting (some things I disagree with, but on a whole he is very good).

The key thing to remember is that a parent's job is to emancipate their children from them - not to be a friend or a buddy. If you do it right, the parent/child relationship will become so much more than a friend or buddy.

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I have a question. A lot of the advice here is for you to keep your grandkids, if possible. But it seems the grandkids as well are making life stressful for your husband? Would he prefer all kids and their families (including grandchildren) gone? Is that feasible?

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Thanks.

I suppose there might be some guilt in this. A big part of me wishes my parents had let me stay with them when I was young and I do want to be a good mom. I'm afraid things will get worse if we cut off too much help. One daughter had an appartment with help from the government but as she usually stayed with us she gave it up. I'd like her to get a place again, but actually use it.

I'll talk it over with my husband and we can set some boundaries.

Backroads, I think my husband would be a little more understanding of just helping out grandkids as they are innocent in this. But by and large he says he just wants to finish raising our teenage son and be done with parenthood. I don't think he would be happy about forced parenting of the grandkids.

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I have seen it all. I had my very best friend return to alcohol after 23 years of sobriety. I had to say good bye to him. 23 years before, his mother who loved him dearly said good bye too, it was the hardest thing she ever did. I can't imagine. He partied for 7 more years. Then got clean and sober. Because HE wanted to. For no other reason.

You must take care of yourself. I have a lot of experience with alcoholics. You are not a bad person to walk away. But it IS okay to say: "I can't help you or talk to you till you get sober"

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Thanks.

I suppose there might be some guilt in this. A big part of me wishes my parents had let me stay with them when I was young and I do want to be a good mom. I'm afraid things will get worse if we cut off too much help. One daughter had an appartment with help from the government but as she usually stayed with us she gave it up. I'd like her to get a place again, but actually use it.

I'll talk it over with my husband and we can set some boundaries.

Backroads, I think my husband would be a little more understanding of just helping out grandkids as they are innocent in this. But by and large he says he just wants to finish raising our teenage son and be done with parenthood. I don't think he would be happy about forced parenting of the grandkids.

Unfortunately once we have children we can't be "done with parenthood" unless we walk away from our responsibilities. Even adult children who are financially independent and doing well in life still need parenting on occasion.

Helping our children become independent is the what we are suppose to do. Once they become independent parenting changes but we are still teachers and guides through this life no matter how old they get.

Very often things will get worse before they get better. All you can do is try to be there for your grandchildren while letting your child fall on their face. Unless things get worse the person causing the problems isn't even going to realize there is a problem. They have to feel it. Some don't even get it when things are at their very worst, which is why you need to be there for the grandchildren.

I understand and have felt the feelings you've described and I've seen the feelings you describe in your husband. My husband too has had issues with our Son. But... its been two years and he wouldn't do it any differently even though its difficult. We now praying our son stays here until our grandson is more emotionally stable and understands life a little more. We've been our grandson's only stability.

The toughest things we do in this life bring the biggest blessings.

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How serious is this at the point? My thoughts are that you should put your marriage before your adult children. Is this at the point where your husband is considering walking away from everything, including you? I can definitely see applepansy's point, that parenthood isn't done.

If your husband is suffering depression, is he doing anything about it? If it's not feasible to send the kids away, are there any other potential strategies?

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  • 2 weeks later...

UPDATE:

DH and I had a heart-to-heart and made a few decisions. He told me he does feel slighted compared to the adult kids and feels all my energy is going to them. So we are going to try with a weekly date night, see where that goes.

The advice here was great. I guess I got caught up in being mommy and lost balance.

We told the adult kids we would be willing to take on the grandkids' expenses if they would look for jobs and apartments and be out in some appointed times. They aren't happy to hear that, but I am going to try to put my foot down on this. My husband says he will be firm on that if I won't.

I still feel horrible about making the kids do that, but I think it's the right thing.

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If you have a teen to raise, having syblings who are being rewarded for messing up is teaching him nothing. Time for a little tough love. At the very least your home should be spotless, all the washing done, the yard well cared for and all the meals cooked. Come to think of it rewarding your adult kids for messing up is teching them nothing either.

Your marriage comes first ... always! Set rules ... if they don't like it they know where the door is. Put your foot down and keep it down.

Once my cousin and family lived with my folks for awhile. They said they couldn't find work that payed enough. They said they wouldn't work for $5 an hour ... my Mom told them to get out and both find a job because 2 jobs x $5 is $10 an hour.

One of the brokers I work with said his son and family moved home after a job loss. The son went down to the state offices and came back telling his dad all the stuff he was entitled to ... his father told him that the only thing he was entitled to was to get his butt off the couch and get a job to support his family ... they were gone in very short order. As long as they are comfortable having you care for them why should they bother to get their lives in order? Make them so uncomfortable that they get motivated.

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  • 2 weeks later...

I'm going through another rough spot with this. One of my daughters has been in tears for a few days now becaus she can't find work. She has told me she feels unloved and unsupported. My husband told her she's love, just not supported as much anymore. He also told her she is being far too picky about jobs. I'm feeling stuck in the middle of it.

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