Is it "wrong" to wait to have children?

[zuko725]

I wasn't sure exactly where to post this question but I guess the advice section will do.

I'm 22 and my husband (who isn't a member) is 24 and we've been married for a year and a half now. He works as a temporary worker at the local plant, hoping to someday get hired on as a "full time" employee while I'm going to college to be an elementary school teacher. I should be graduating in about a year and a half.

We decided to wait to have children for a few reasons. 1) If I have a baby before I graduate from school I feel I never will. 2) We would like to wait for him to be hired on as a full time employee. This way we would never have to fear him getting laid off (as this has happened before). 3) We would like to have a house and another car first. Right now we are living in an apartment that is close to where he works so that we can share the car we have. If he were to get laid off again we would most likely have to move in with his parents which to me is NOT a good option as there are difficulties within the house itself. 4) My husband is in the reserves and I would like to wait until he is out before having kids. The idea of having a baby and then him getting deployed and missing out on the first year or so of their life breaks my heart. Luckily he only has about a year left.

So I was thinking we were being responsible by doing this but I recently came across something that explained that young married couples who wait until they have good jobs, houses, etc to have kids are more or less sinning. Then today in church a guy gave a talk where he touched a little bit on the topic of not waiting to have children and told us about how he was in college when him and his wife had their first child.

So does this mean my husband and I shouldn't wait to have kids? This almost seems like a crazy concept to me because I really feel like it would not be a smart decision for us right now. Not to mention I'm sure my husband's hair would begin falling out if I told him I was preggo. I don't feel like we are ready to have children right now but I can't help but wonder if waiting is the wrong thing to do?

What do you guys think?

[Dravin]

I think you should take when and how many kids you should have up with the Lord.

[splash]

Any military contract is 8 years- reserves or enlisted or officer (regardless of how many active duty years you signed up for). So for 8 years there is always a chance of deployment- even if you are inactive duty. So if your husband is doing 2 years active in the reserves and 6 years inactive (it is usually 4 years active and 4 years inactive for reserves), he can still get deployed for the 6 years he is inactive.

As far as is this okay- that is entirely up to you and your husband/ the Lord. Some church members will think it is okay and other church members won't think its okay. Are you going to decide when to have kids and how many kids to have based on other church members approval? You will never be able to please everyone. There will always be a differing opinion out there in the church. I know one guy in the church that thinks if you are capable and think having 10 kids is too many- you are lazy.

Don't worry about what any other church members say. Talk to your husband and pray about it. It is such a personal decision. Here is a official statement from the Church for you:

Church stance from Handbook 2: 21.2.4 Birth Control Selected Church Policies*

"It is the privilege of married couples who are able to bear children to provide mortal bodies for the spirit children of God, whom they are then responsible to nurture and rear. The decision as to how many children to have and when to have them is extremely intimate and private and should be left between the couple and the Lord. Church members should not judge one another in this matter."

Edited January 15, 2012 by Pegasus_

[zuko725]

Thanks to the both of you!

And acutally, he is signed up for 8 years - 6 years active and 2 inactive. This February will be his 5th year active. So technically he can still get deployed within the next 3 years, however since he has yet to be deployed in the 5 years he has been in I guess I was "forgetting" about the 2 years he could still get sent out.

It's comforting to know that it is our choice (and the Lord's of course). I was starting to freak out thinking I should get started with having kids! Thanks again! :)

[JudoMinja]

The reason there seems to be a pressure to not wait is really because there is never going to be a "perfect" time to have children. There is always going to be something that makes it feel like waiting would be a better idea, as your many listed reasons hint. Suppose you do find yourself with a house, another vehicle, your husband gets hired on full-time at work, and finishes his time in the reserves, and you finish your college all within the next two years. That assumes things go exactly as you plan, which they never do, and even if/when you reach that point, there will be something else causing you to wonder if it might be better to keep waiting.

Since there will never be a "perfect" moment to have kids and our biological clocks are always ticking away, many decide to just go for it. You will find a way to make your life fit around having a child, and each new addition to the family will bring new adjustments. That being said, there is also nothing wrong with waiting until you feel you are capable of responsibly caring for a child. Adding a member to your family is huge and you can't just take the decision back once you're pregnant. You need to be certain that you are able, ready, and willing to make whatever necessary sacrifices for this lifetime commitment of having a child.

Having a child too soon will bring unnecessary hardships on your whole family, but waiting too long could result in missed opportunities. Everyone has to play this balancing act and decide for themselves how long to wait. What may be right for others won't necessarily be right for you, and the best advice you can receive is that you will get by taking the matter up with the Lord through prayer. Every family is unique, and God will know best when your family is ready to start adding children.

[splash]

In regards to having children- there are physical/mental health factors to consider (especially the health of the mother I'd say), financial factors, revelation from the Lord and any other factors. Health benefits- if you have them, how good they are I'd say matters. It can be VERY expensive just to have a baby. Hey, if people want to take out a loan just to have a baby- power to them I guess. Or use their student loan to go to school and to have a baby- allrighty then. Whatever floats your boat.

I know many, many church members that waited to start a family for a variety of reasons.

I don't think anyone should judge anyone else. I don't think anyone should tell anyone else when they should start a family or how many kids they should have.

You can't know for anyone else but yourself. Circumstances and personal revelation vary.

Edited January 15, 2012 by Pegasus_

[zuko725]

Ahh such good answers so far!

I agree that it isn't anybody's business when we start a family but ours.

JudoMinja you bring up good points and they make sense! I guess you're right in saying that there would always be a reason to wait and there's never a "perfect time".

Thanks a lot everyone for helping me put this into perspective :)

I guess I will continue waiting until I feel the time is right!

[splash]

Also, military wives do get through deployments- whether they have kids or not. It is not impossible to survive it. It is what you sign up for with the military- a chance of deployments. Military wives are generally independent and strong (or if they are not- they become cause they have to be). You have to be strong/independent for yourself, your deployed soldier and for your kids (if you have any). Tough as nails, lol. There are many military families in the Church.

Edited January 15, 2012 by Pegasus_

[zuko725]

I'm very well aware of what I signed up for by marrying a man who is in the army.

I consider myself to be very independant and would do just fine if he got deployed, baby or no baby. If you read my orignal post I plainly stated that my concern of having a baby with him deployed was NOT that I didn't think I could do it, it was because I didn't want him to have to miss out on things like first steps, first words, etc.

If he had another 5 to 8 years or so left I wouldn't even bother with wanting to wait, but considering he doesn't have much longer and I still have a year or two left of school I figure I may as well wait until he is out so that we don't have to deal with him missing out on those types of things.

[splash]

Military life- deployments- kids/no kids= some missing out.

Remember 8 year contract- chance of deployment. You would have to wait another 3 years to be clear for no chance of deployments. Good old IRR for you.

I'm just talking military here. I'm not trying to judge you or tell you what to do.

Edited January 16, 2012 by Pegasus_

[zuko725]

Lol you still weren't / aren't understanding my point.

That was ONE of my reasons for wanting to wait. If that were my only reason to wait, I wouldn't be concerned about it, but I had a few other reasons for waiting as well. We have a lot that's going to be going on for the next few years that are making me want to wait, his last years in the army being one of them. If I have to wait 1-2 years to be done with school, get a house and for him to get hired as a full time employee, I may as well wait for him to be out of the reserves so he wont miss the first years of his child's life.

I feel we would be a lot more prepared to start a family after all of this stuff is out of the way, which is why I am choosing to wait, despite what everyone else keeps trying to tell me :)

[jayanna]

Zuko, you are being faithful and doing just as you should. If you want to finish your degree, I think it's a good idea. A degree can help your family so much.

You don't want to wait too too long to have a baby, 22 is still pretty young but if you want to have more :) your hubby can be there when you have others if he gets deployed while you are going through it. A friend of mine had a military spouse and they had 4 while being stationed in Germany and the hubby couldn't be there for any of it...the kids got bigger, he was honorably discharged and they had one more and he was there for all of that pregnancy and toddlerhood.

NOt saying you should start right away, but if you do decide to start before the 8 years or whatever are up, you can always have more :) I love kids.

You will be blessed for your faithfulness in continuing to come to church, the Lord loves you very much. I am sure he will let you know when it is time. You might think about going to the temple in prayer when you are deciding whether or not to start. IF Hannah could get an answer in the temple, so can you. You are a beloved daughter of your Heavenly Father, and he is concerned for you and will give you answers to the questions in your heart...not just on an internet forum...as great as it is, it's not THAT great.

[mrmarklin]

My life experience tells me that any major commitment should be done after a foundation is laid. You have pretty much set up your requirements, and I wouldn't let anyone dissuade you from them. They seem reasonable to me.

My life experience also tells me, through observation, that people who don't make the necessary financial and mental preparations for a family, marraige etc., have a lot more problems than those who don't. Yeah, they may get through it, but why take on extra problems when life is already problematic??

[Just_A_Guy]

I do generally agree with the historical advice of Church leaders to start a family as soon as possible.

But one thing that I don't think has really come up a lot in this particular discussion, is the fact that your husband isn't a Church member. If he does not feel ready for parenthood, and you strongly encourage him to start a family just because that's how you interpret your (but not his) religion--that won't strengthen your relationship, and it won't improve his perception of Mormonism.

[annewandering]

For me, my main concern, considering having babies is not cheap anymore, would be his job situation. If you dont have insurance of some type its probably going to be very very hard to pay for on part time work. When you pray about having a baby you might want to ask about that, specifically.

Waiting for a house and another car just doesnt seem as important. Whatever you decide for sure, just make sure its with prayer and agreement for BOTH of you. :) When you do decide to have children it will be right for you both.

[Bini]

MrMarklin and JAG nailed it! I agree with both.

Having babies and raising them are tough! Just had my little one back in September and BOY it wasn't easy and still isn't. You'll never be 100% prepared for parenthood BUT you sure can plan and make wise choices prior to bringing children into this whacky world. I second what MrMarklin and JAG above said. Good good advice.

[MarginOfError]

1) I would recommend against basing such decisions using counsel from the 1970's with respect to finances. Financial realities 30 years ago were nothing like they are today.

2) Have children when it feels good to have children.

[Twisted_Fairytales]

We waited for 5 years. It was right for us. I wanted to get a degree first. It turned out we needed IVF anyway and that took another 2 years. I wouldn't change it though. Your reasons sound very sensible. Although, it is up to you and your husband so I wonder why you are looking for approval? Do you feel guilty waiting? DONT! Its your decision as a couple. There's never a good time though. But when they come, you make it work. I got naturally pregnant when my boy was 9months old after having IVF. We absolutely did not plan that, and I still hadn't found a job etc. I was worried sick for about 3 weeks wqondering how we'd cope but things have fallen into place and nowe its actually more perfect than I thought it could be :) Good luck :D

[mirkwood]

How long you wait is between you, your spouse and the Lord.

We waited 8 years and that was right for us. Ironically, our neighbors across the street did the same...and it was right for them. Some of our friends had kids right away...and that was right for them.

[Vort]

I'm not much into the idea of having babies out of guilt. I might possibly even go so far as to say that guilt is a profane, even blasphemous (not to mention stupid) reason to have babies. Or maybe common sense would get the better of me, and I wouldn't say it. Not sure. You know how careful I am in stating my opinions.

BUT: The older I get, the less convincing I find the reasons many Latter-day Saints, myself included, invoke in postponing the having of children. On the one hand, I could argue that the mere fact that one wants to postpone having children for silly reasons is itself a proof that one is too immature and foolish to be having children. On the other hand, if we waited until we weren't immature and foolish to have children, the human race would die out in a generation. So I guess I'm coming to view child-bearing as one of the great privileges and duties of a married couple, one that we avoid or postpone at the risk of our own growth and one that entails unseen future consequences which may be unpleasant indeed.

At this point, my more pragmatic humanistic side still shouts a bit louder. Children are a lifechanging and lifelong responsibility, not something to be produced to quiet Mom and Dad or impress the home teachers. If you are not willing or ready to embrace that enthusiastically, then don't.

But I may have a different opinion in five or ten more years...

[splash]

Lol you still weren't / aren't understanding my point.

That was ONE of my reasons for wanting to wait. If that were my only reason to wait, I wouldn't be concerned about it, but I had a few other reasons for waiting as well. We have a lot that's going to be going on for the next few years that are making me want to wait, his last years in the army being one of them. If I have to wait 1-2 years to be done with school, get a house and for him to get hired as a full time employee, I may as well wait for him to be out of the reserves so he wont miss the first years of his child's life.

I feel we would be a lot more prepared to start a family after all of this stuff is out of the way, which is why I am choosing to wait, despite what everyone else keeps trying to tell me :)

I know it was ONE of your reasons, meaning you have other reasons. Do you not understand what I said when I said "I'm just talking military here"?

And in saying "most military wives are...." or anything else I said- I was not trying to offend you or say you aren't "[whaver]". I can also definitely understand military wives not being strong/independent at first.

Edited January 16, 2012 by Pegasus_

[splash]

We decided to wait to have children for a few reasons. 1) If I have a baby before I graduate from school I feel I never will. 2) We would like to wait for him to be hired on as a full time employee. This way we would never have to fear him getting laid off (as this has happened before). 3) We would like to have a house and another car first. Right now we are living in an apartment that is close to where he works so that we can share the car we have. If he were to get laid off again we would most likely have to move in with his parents which to me is NOT a good option as there are difficulties within the house itself. 4) My husband is in the reserves and I would like to wait until he is out before having kids. The idea of having a baby and then him getting deployed and missing out on the first year or so of their life breaks my heart. Luckily he only has about a year left.

So I was thinking we were being responsible by doing this but I recently came across something that explained that young married couples who wait until they have good jobs, houses, etc to have kids are more or less sinning. Then today in church a guy gave a talk where he touched a little bit on the topic of not waiting to have children and told us about how he was in college when him and his wife had their first child.

So does this mean my husband and I shouldn't wait to have kids? This almost seems like a crazy concept to me because I really feel like it would not be a smart decision for us right now. Not to mention I'm sure my husband's hair would begin falling out if I told him I was preggo. I don't feel like we are ready to have children right now but I can't help but wonder if waiting is the wrong thing to do?

What do you guys think?

I will respond directly to your other concerns since you think I didn't/don't realize them. I wanted to avoid your others reasons because I did not to hurt your feelings. But fine, here you go anyways:

1) I understand but I know many mothers that went back to school after their children were grown or while their children were still young/at home. My cousin went back to school and got her Masters degree after having kids. She took one or two classes at a time. Another mother I know was a stay at home mom then went back to school after her kids were grown and she works full time now. Another mother I know went back to school to get her RN after all of her kids were at least in the 5th grade.

2) I can understand wanting a full-time job. Babies are expensive. Though I know people that had babies with no job. Their husbands were just going to school. I guess they had a baby on student loans or parents were really helping to pay. Idk. I know other people that had babies while going to school and working part-time.

3) part a: I think having a house is not a necessity. You can have a baby in a apartment, preferable a two bedroom. I have heard of one famliy making the laundry room the room for their babies (yes, more than one baby) in their small apartment. The husband and wife wanted privacy in their bedroom (understandable). Part b: I think getting another car is unnecessary too. I can understand not having one car. But, you don't have to have two cars to have a baby. For those that don't even have one car- public transportation does exist.

4) To further address and more directly address according to your details. I understand but many military families miss out on their chid's first year of life due to deployments. If that was the case- you could write letters, send pictures, do video-chat often/ as much as possible. Your husband may not even get deployed during your child's first year.

I'm not in your shoes nor do I know any other details you aren't saying or further concerns/ details your aren't expressing. It is up to you and your husband. It is personal. You have to make the best decisions for you.

~~~~~

I think what it comes down to is- if the Lord prompts you to start your family or have another baby- I think you better do it!

Edited January 16, 2012 by Pegasus_

[splash]

I do generally agree with the historical advice of Church leaders to start a family as soon as possible.

Your "as soon as possible" may not be "as soon as possible" to someone else. You may think this factor or that factor would not/should not contribute to starting having a family and think someone should start a famiy, despite [whatever factor]. But [whatever factor] may need to be met for another family to start their family "as soon as possible".

Another thing- we may wonder why a couple isn't starting their family and negatviely judge them for that. For all we know a couple is trying to start a family but struggles with inferility problems.

One of my relatives has one child and can't seem to have anymore. My relative and relative's spouse have really tried to have more but they just could not and still can't. Idk why and they don't know why. It has been and is a trial for them. They sure are grateful for their one child!

One of my grandparents is against birth control/wating to start a family. My grandparent feels the Lord will send children when you are meant to have them and as many as you are meant to have. There is a total trust in the Lord of sending children at the right time and of sending how many children you should have. Interesting view.

Edited January 17, 2012 by Pegasus_

[splash]

1) I would recommend against basing such decisions using counsel from the 1970's with respect to finances. Financial realities 30 years ago were nothing like they are today.

2) Have children when it feels good to have children.

I agree. Honestly, you don't see many LDS couples having 10 kids anymore. 5 or 6 kids seems to be the maximum kids number in the Church now.

Jobs are hard to come by and the cost of living is rising. Wages are staying the same but food, gas, etc. prices are rising. Most people can't afford to have many kids in this economy. I can't imagine many couples being able to afford 10 kids in this economy. For some families just having one or two children may be a HUGE sacrifice. Also, you never now about physical or mental health. A mother may desperately struggle with having one or two children. One or two kids may be all she can handle.

The Lord knows and understands our circumstances, struggles, feelings, perfectly! We don't need to prove anything to or impress anyone but the Lord!

There are families of ALL sizes in the Church and ALL are welcome!

Edited January 16, 2012 by Pegasus_

[Backroads]

I had a younger friend get married about the same time I did and immediately became pregnant despite the fact that she and her husband were still (and are) college students. Maybe it wasn't the "ideal" the world would set for bringing in a baby but they have enough resources and common sense to make their student life work for a baby.

Then again, I also hate the idea of people going for babies without a clue of how to support future child.

Point: If you want to make it work, you can make it work--whether "it" is waiting to start a family or going for it sooner rather than later. You might not need ten million dollars and a PhD to be ready for a baby, but you probably do need something--a plan, for goodness' sakes.