Does making friends ever get easier?

[lizzy16]

So, something that a lot of college students have trouble with is making friends.

I've asked friends at other universities and the subject has came up a few times here at BYU-I.

When I was in high school it was easy to make new friends. I had the same friends in 6th grade as I did the day I graduated. And, along the way others joined in the group ect.

I just ended a friendship with a girl who came here from my home ward. We've known each other for 4 years. Went to high school together, first semester of college ect. We were very good friends. And, everyone who knew us would kind of think of us as one. If I went somewhere and she wasn't there, people would ask. After some events that I confided in her she didn't handle it very well ect. In Short: We aren't friends. Nor do I plan on being friends with her again. Movin' on. She was the closest friend I had and after realizing she couldn't be my friend through this situation I began to wonder....Do I even have any friends? Like, sure. I have people I spend time with. People I tell things to. Ect. But, we aren't friends for any particular reason besdies the fact we need each other.

So, I was making tacos and one of my roommates started crying. About how she doesn't have any friends, and its so hard to make friends ect. And, its so true.

People in college rarely have genuine friends. Everyone just is friends with people because they NEED them. They need someone to depend on when there roommates are driving them insane, need someone to study with ect, they need a friend to sit with at church ect. ect. My PB talks a lot about friends in college and how i'll make great friends. I can't help but wonder what I'm doing wrong. I mean, I'm shy i suppose. But, I still talk to who I sit next to in classes. And I participate in things :/

So, Does anyone ever have genuine friends? People they just meet and geniunly like without NEEDing them.

And then, when I get older? Does it get easier? Do people just have friends when they're older based just on there childs play dates? Based on who's on there VT route? Based on who can join the RS 'canning club'?

kay. I'm done complaining.

[slamjet]

And you are saying exactly what my daughter is saying. She's in BYU-I also. You have to remember that along with you, most everyone else is experiencing true independence for the first time. It's unnerving, awkward and scary. But with time comes maturity and experience. You'll work your way through it. Just keep socializing, work on your schoolwork, stay close to the church and you'll do ok.

As for the boy's, well, just remember they're pretty brainless at that age so go easy on them.

For what it's worth, there is such thing as genuine friends. One of my friend recently ticked me off to no end. But to get angry was my choice. A few days later I asked if he was ok and it happened to be that he has some real big family issues happening at the same time. I did the same to him once and he was patient with me. Us choosing to not fly off the handle at each other strengthened our true loyalty to each other.

[Guest]

I think it depends on what kind of friend you're talking about, or what kind you want.

I think there are people who love to have a lot of good acquaintances who they can have fun with, do things with, call to go out to eat or shopping or whatever. People who draw their energy from being around people: extroverts. I think that for those people, making friends is easy. And I think part of the reason is that "fun" company is satisfying, and wherever they go they seem to draw people and make those kind of friends.

That exhausts me. I do have lots of people that I like and would call if I just wanted to go do something fun (and do, once in a blue moon).

I've discovered in the last couple of years that I'm not really that kind of person. I'm more introverted, and I want friends with whom I can be close and somewhat emotionally intimate. I prefer the company of smaller numbers of people that I can discuss all kinds of things with, who know me very well and I know them very well. Those kinds of friends are harder to find. Not everyone wants or is comfortable with that level of friendship. I have very few friends like that. But I cherish them.

[Bini]

My personal opinion, it gets harder to make new friends and maintain old friendships as you get older. For me, making a real connection with someone can be tricky because (a) I'm married and (b) I'm a mother. My responsibilities are different from those that are single and without children. I'm also consciously trying to surround myself with people that share similar values as myself, which can especially be challenging because a lot of my (our) friends are not LDS and still partake in activities the church frowns upon. So naturally, we've started to grow apart from existing friends as well.

[Guest]

I have to add, the close friends I do have are by and large women I came to know through visiting teaching. That's just one reason that I (finally) have a testimony of that program.

[lizzy16]

And you are saying exactly what my daughter is saying. She's in BYU-I also.

As for the boy's, well, just remember they're pretty brainless at that age so go easy on them.

For what it's worth, there is such thing as genuine friends. . Us choosing to not fly off the handle at each other strengthened our true loyalty to each other.

Thanks Slamjet. It's nice to know your daughters having the same issues I am. I didn't 'fly off the handle." I just told her what she did wasn't an appropriate action to the situation. And, I told her I didn't want a friend who couldn't keep her mouth shut when I confine personal things to them. I'm 17. I'm not worried about boys haha. I've got time.

I have to add, the close friends I do have are by and large women I came to know through visiting teaching. That's just one reason that I (finally) have a testimony of that program.

I think I was a mix of an extrovert/intro in high school. I had a lot of friendly aquintances. I never worried about not having someone to talk to. But, I also had a close group of friends.

I'm not looking forward to getting older :/

[Guest]

I'm not looking forward to getting older :/

Oh, please don't feel that way! I had fun in my younger years, but I wouldn't trade to go back. Right now I'm so much more comfortable in my own skin, so much more at peace, my relationships are fewer but more meaningful. (In fact, I'm headed to Rexburg next week to see one of my dearest friends. 5 1/2+ hours of driving with 5 young kids so I can surprise her on her birthday. She's worth it.) I'm just happier and better at filling my life with things and people that really make me happy. I'm better at being alone, too. I love being 30-something.

[slamjet]

I didn't 'fly off the handle."

I wasn't implying. Just an example :)

I'm 17. I'm not worried about boys haha. I've got time.

Smart girl

I'm not looking forward to getting older :/

Neither are us older folks

[JudoMinja]

Hey there lizzy-

I know you are somewhat familiar with what I've been through because you've read and responded to some of my posts on the subject. My situation with my ex happened while I was in my college years, and it really helped me identify and understand true genuine friendship.

From kindergarden to graduation, I never really made very many friends as I was pretty shy and anti-social. I thought it would be the same in college, but I quickly found a group of people who shared my interests and we formed a bond of friendship through interacting with each other. But my "genuine" friends were not who I would have thought they would be...

I don't think it is really hard to make good friendships, rather it is hard to recognize them. The people I was closest to and did the most with were people who were only there because, as you put it, they needed me or anyone else who would have filled my spot for socializing, friendship, and attention. As we went out and did things together, others joined us and our group grew, but I found it hard to get close to these other people- because I did not try to be a friend to them. It had nothing at all to do with a lack on their part, but rather a lack on my end.

Then came the real test of friendship- It has been said that a "true friend" is someone who will drop everything to be there for you in a time of need, and I think this is very true. In my situation with my ex, who came to my rescue? My best friend from back home, who I hadn't contacted in over two years, and one of these college friends who I'd never really taken the time to get to know better.

Making friends has a lot to do with just getting out there and doing things together. You form memories and a bond based on those memories, but no matter how much you do with someone this won't necessarily bring you any "genuine" friends. Genuine friends are much harder to find, because they are like diamonds in the rough. In retrospect, I realize that I myself probably didn't fit the bill of a true drop-everything-to-help-you genuine friend, but I try every day to do better at it- to really show an interest in the lives of those I interact with and be there for them when they need it. I think that the more you try to be a genuine friend, the more likely you will be to find genuine friends.

I don't know how much that helps you, but just know that you are not alone in your struggle. Friendship is slow to form and build, just like any relationship, but even harder to maintain because there is no foundational "family" bond like that with parents or siblings.

[Guest]

Lizzy, I have a jillion friends. It is very possible for me to walk in any room and have a friend in 15 minutes. You are right, having a friend ONLY because you need something is not really friendship. But, these activities and needs that brought people together can be important opportunities to build friendship.

Now, what is a friend? You are right, when I was in college, I made lots of acquaintances (as opposed to friends) because of a need - I needed a study partner, I needed a contact at the dean's office, we're in varsity together. When I had kids, I had acquaintances from playdates, pediatrician's office, etc. I have acquaintances from RS and VT, etc.

But, to make these people your friends only requires one thing: Christlike Charity. When you transcend beyond that need and start to actually CARE - that's when you become friends. Now, I don't make a friend expecting them to care back. It is not unusual for me to have a friend which is one-sided in that regard. When you care, it changes your attitude toward somebody. You start to look outward and not so much inward. That is, you start to put their needs and their comfort ahead of yours. You gain empathy and not just sympathy. This change in attitude permeates your persona and becomes subliminally, if not physically, recognizable by the other person. And that kind of love is like a magnet to the human spirit. It inspires people.

So yeah, don't worry about "making friends". Truly care. And the rest will follow.

Yes, you are only 17, but this kind of charity is the foundation of a great marriage.

[classylady]

Wow, Lizzy, I've also been thinking lately about how few friends I truly have too. Sure, I have a lot of acquaintances, but very few true friends. And I know that I'm mostly at fault. In my younger years, I don't know how I came about with the friends I had. I just seemed to have them. Also, in college and after my mission, I just seemed to have friends. Though, I have to admit, before I got married a lot of my friends were guys. (Which reminds me of that YouTube video from Utah State "Can guys and girls just be friends"). My best friend became my husband, and I didn't think it was appropriate to remain friends with all of my guy friends. And after marriage I didn't have much in common with my unmarried friends. DH and I have made friends with several other couples, but I wouldn't call them a bff type. And, it's probably my fault that I haven't truly got someone that I would consider a bff. I simply haven't made the effort. And true friendship takes effort. I have been trying to remedy that. I've been making more of an effort to "be there" for my friends. And, I also realize, that I have to reveal more of myself to my friends. I tend to not want to share my true feelings with others. And how can I be friends with someone if I'm not willing to share my inner self with them? I don't know why it wasn't all that important to me before, and now I seem to have the need to have a truly good friend that I can confide in, share my sorrows, fears, and joys with.

[Backroads]

Weird thing is, the greatest friends I have and have ever had... most I don't recall actually making a friendship with. I have a few things against me in that department: I have mild social anxiety, I'm something of a social hermit and always have been, and I'm very content to do things on my own. Friendship is something I struggle with, but it seems the friends I do have or had we just somehow became friends without thinking about it. The attempted friendships where I worked and worked never really jived.

Friendship is something I struggle with now. I have moved in the past year. While I try to make time for my Ogden friends, I haven't gotten very far with Logan friends. But I don't know if "struggle" is the right word. I'm happy. I love my co-workers and my husband and I am starting a friendship with my teaching partner in Primary.

[Guest mirancs8]

You change so much from High School to College. Your priorities change. Your expectations of others change as well. You start to grow into your own person. I've only maintained one friendship from High School, and in College I didn't make any lasting friendships.

However I'm an acceptation I think because I can be very brash which of course turns 95% of women off lol. That being said the majority of my close friends are men. I only have 2 very close girlfriends and they are just as brash as I am.

[IamMe]

Funny, I was just talking about this very thing a few days ago.

As others have pointed out, life changes as do friendships. While in high school it's an important status symbol to have lots of friends, to be one of the popular kids, in adulthood not so much.

I have 2 friends. That's it, and I'm ok with that. I have many acquittances, but very few friends. To me a friend is someone I can turn to when needed, someone I can let everything hang out and never be worried about their judgement.

With 10 children, I have very little time on my hands to socialize, and to be honest I place high expectations on people in order for them to be my "friend". Given that my spare time is so small I don't want to surround myself with people that gossip, judge people etc, that's just not high on my list of priorities these days. Going to the bar or for drinks, again, not something I partake in, so no enjoyment for me.

With my life style, I would rather have people around me who will understand that my floors are a little sticky, my jeans have a crusty blob of peanut butter on them, and there's a stain on my shirt... no I'm not implying my home is a mess or that I'm a slob (quite the contrary) it's all about ages & stages of life.

Rather than being concerned with the quantity of friends you have, look for quality.

[pam]

Oh, please don't feel that way! I had fun in my younger years, but I wouldn't trade to go back.

Oh I would.

[kayne]

copying my other thread i see??? lol

that said this is something i have wondered myself. are people here really in college forming any meaningful relationships or is it all just we are fumbling around trying to fill our social requirements? those that have high ones make more contacts those with lower bars to fill make fewer contacts? people move in and out constantly. how is one to form any meaningful relationship? this does make me slightly fear ill finish school here be 30 or so single and failed to of formed any meaningful relationship friend or otherwise in my whole time here simply because i havent mastered quickly bonding with people and im not entirely sure im capable of that. on the bright side at least ill have a degree so yay???

i have also noticed the vast difference in maturity between the older folks like myself(im 27 but referring to 25 and older) vs the ones younger than that. something i was aware of before hand but im even more aware of now. though i have met and have a roommate that is my age and his maturity is that of a 5 year old so i suspect he will never grow up as at 27 he still finds 17 year olds to hang with. its just not normal.

also a combo of work + university really means getting together is random and crazy and unpredictable. though as pointed out in my other thread this might not be true and ppl could just be avoiding me im not sure.

though i will say it is true as i have gotten older i went from hanging with the crowd of people i did all through 6th grade to the end of high school to hardly seeing any of them anymore. though i do suspect a lot of that is due to over time i eventually i wanted to stop doing many many many bad things and couldnt hang around people still doing them and get out of doing them myself so i mastered the art of tossing people out of my life. unfortunently one close friendship that didnt need to be killed got wrecked in the process. though who knows if i never tried to self improve i might never of stopped hanging with these people?

but yea my problem isnt that i failed to hang onto any close friends its that they are so far away(on the east coast) so its hard to lean on them and being a social klutz that i can be ive failed to form any real close bonds. or worse yet if i lean on them too much i wont even try and create relationships here where i live now.

also being the youngest ive noticed my older siblings hang out with friends less and less overtime. i think this is a problem for say the late 20s person that is still single. we hit an age where we should be married or seriously dating and we arent so we are hitting an age where "dude lets hang out" isnt as acceptable or isnt something we are too into anymore but until we settle down we are stuck doing that. at least this is part of my problem. yea its great hang out with the guys but at the same time i dont want to do just that anymore. not saying lets rush and get married but at the same time one has to work on it or else one will be 35 and saying the same thing i am now lol. i guess im saying is your priorities begin to change.

eh seems to be making friends gets harder at least with me and others ive observed.

eh whatever us socially weird folk will figure this out eventually. perhaps a question to the non socially weird....us socially weird folk usually get quite and shy the reason being we cant always think of stuff to say. so advice? ideas?

[lizzy16]

copying my other thread i see??? lol

people move in and out constantly. how is one to form any meaningful relationship?

s at 27 he still finds 17 year olds to hang with. its just not normal.

but yea my problem isnt that i failed to hang onto any close friends its that they are so far away(on the east coast) so its hard to lean on them and being a social klutz that i can be ive failed to form any real close bonds.

eh seems to be making friends gets harder at least with me and others ive observed.

I didnt see your thread, link it maybe? :)

Especially at byu idaho with the 3 track system. I had friend last semester that I won't see until fall. Because, they're fall/spring. I'm fall winter. It's like a year without seeing them again. And, when we do get there, will we be friends again?

All my HS friends are in the east as well. I'll be home in April. But yeah, they still call me. Tell me what colleges they get into ect. It's nice :) We skype often.

I'm 17 and I always feel really awkward around older people. I cant help but think, "I was in 8th grade when you went on your mission." or, I was 11 when you graduated HS.

All my FHE brothers are return missionaries ect. Which, I'm thankful for. I'm glad I have an amazing bunch of FHE brothers that offer to help me with anything. They truly want to get to know us and make FHE a fun experince. They suggested having 'family dinners' ect. And, while they're so nice and thoughtful. It's still a bit awkward.

And in class when I end up talking to a guy/girl for like 10 minutes and then discover there married? I pretty much give up on that friendship. Because, if its a guy i just feel like it'd be inappropriate. And, If it's a girl..why would she want to hang around someone that isn't married?

They're in tottaly different stages of life then I am.

[JudoMinja]

And in class when I end up talking to a guy/girl for like 10 minutes and then discover there married? I pretty much give up on that friendship. Because, if its a guy i just feel like it'd be inappropriate. And, If it's a girl..why would she want to hang around someone that isn't married?

They're in tottaly different stages of life then I am.

I agree with ending it if it is a guy, because I also feel that would be an inappropriate relationship- but you can be friends with married girls if you're single! :)

You don't have to have everything in common with someone to form a friendship- just something. One of the people I am now forming a new friendship with is married. She was my visiting teaching partner, and she asked me to tutor her homeschooled boys in science. She is not in a different ward, but I still come over every week for tutoring and to just have a chat with her. Sometimes, she invites me and my son over for dinner and a play-date. We share many interests, and most of what we talk about has nothing to do with our kids. She's one of the only people with whom I have in-person political, religious, and philosphical conversations. We're both major bookworms, and we both love animals and outdoor activities. She knows I'm not married, and she keeps her eyes peeled for any guys she thinks I might be interested in dating. So, just because someone is married, doesn't mean you can't form a friendship with them. They may be feeling just as lonely and friendless as you.

You are at a stage in life where everyone around you is going through a lot of changes. There are going to be outings and social gatherings that feel awkward, but if you find people who share an interest with you, don't be afraid to jump in! Instead of approaching it as if making friends is the ultimate goal, approach it as if getting involved in things you are interested in is your ultimate goal, and you will end up making friends along the way. Get involved in something. Try something new.

When I was going to college, I was trying all kinds of new things. I would go to "DDR parties" (Dance Dance Revolution), campus-wide capture the flag, joined a Film Club, tried fencing, boffering, judo, volunteered at the Raptor Center, went to an anime convention, the state fair, and midieval times, found people who liked to roleplay and write and draw, formed study groups, worked at student jobs I enjoyed like at the Bell Museum and a zoology TA... I pursued my interests and filled my schedule with fun social outgoing activities, because my time was my own and I could do whatever I wanted with it. Most all of my friendships were formed through these activities.

Of course, few of them were lasting friendships. Now that I am no longer going to college and we have all moved on to different stages in our lives, I don't stay in touch with many of these people I spent time with or interacted with. A select few, however, still stay in touch with me and I with them- and as said from my previous post, they were not who I would have expected them to be.

If I want to be more social and make more new friends, I would need to put myself out there again- find clubs to join or other activities to get involved in where I could meet people who share my interests and "click" with them. It is hard to adjust to a new setting and learn the ropes of socializing once you step past your previous "stage", but I personally feel that the college setting is the BEST one for socializing and making friendships, because there is usually so much available to do, and you have all the time in the world to do it.

I would check out your student services center and find out what kinds of clubs and activities are available, and get involved in things you are interested in. Fill your schedule with things to do that will keep you busy, active, and engaged, and you will make friends along the way.

[prisonchaplain]

I noticed that most posters on this string are females, yet it's men that more often do not have any close friends. My counsel, though I'm no expert, would be to relax, and not try to over-evaluate just how devoted our friends are. Sometimes tragedies or difficulties come our way, and we find that some cannot support us the way we want. This may change our friendship--or yes, even end it. Still, day to day, we love people, extend ourselves as best we can, and enjoy the mortal companionships Heavenly Father brings our way. If we are training for greater things in immortality, it is likely most important to build up our own skills at being a friend.

[Dove]

Hello, Lizzie;

I've been thinking about your post. I have very few close friends. These comprise of members of my family~My mom,

Still, I've been learning a great deal about how to relate to others....It's often a lonely and painful road for me. But, still, I'm learning good things.

Like, to release all expectations I have of others. Also, that it's the Saviour/Heavenly Father who are truly my best friends. I also like what Prison Chaplain said. He had a real spirit of forgiving and focusing on what ones' self can do for others....

I am soo grateful for the love my family shows me!! While true friendship eludes me in quantity, the quality of the few friends I do have means the world to me.....

Best of wishes

Dove

Edited January 30, 2012 by Dove