Please Help! I need advice about my wife :)


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Just wanted you to know that I speak from difficult experiences. For years,

my dh would threaten to divorce me and it was emotionally heartbreaking

for me......it hurt like the dickens. I got to the point that I was starting to

want to look around for someone that would love me, not threaten me.

When we finally went to counseling and our home became peaceful, it was

not until after trials so huge that I think it best to not give details.

What saved us in the end was:

1) counseling/learning and applying communication skills

2) daily personal/couple/family scriptures and prayers

3) weekly FHE

yes, you would not think that those 'simple' obediences would be that powerful,

but I testify they save families and homes.

On our couple prayers: there were times we'd be on our knees for a while, silently

seeking the spirit enough to pray together because one or both of us were upset.....

but we nevertheless do keep on praying as a couple everyday.

Edited by shine7
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  • 2 weeks later...

One piece of advice I offer to you:

Talk to your wife TODAY and agree that no serious discussions will take place past 10:00 pm. Period. If you can get this concession from your wife and make it a part of your marriage, you will avoid years of literal and figurative headaches.

Amen! I second this. However, for us, it's 8pm! This goes for arguments as well as serious, non-argumental topics (money, school woes, etc.) in our house. We save this time for winding down before another day's battle.

7 years of marriage may not be much, but it's been enough to see that any relationship fixing needs to happen when both parties are feeling somewhat energized.

Good luck, you'll do fine. I think we all worry too much about our perfect relationships and whether we're being fulfilled. Sadly, life isn't about fulfillment and it never will be. Truth is, it's about partnering together to get through some dam(n) rough times. If you can do this with smiles even 70% of the time, I'd say you're winning!

Keep strong and carry on!

Edited by Anachron
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As having been in a different but very similar situation as your wife is, this is my advice to you.

There is no doubt that some things need to change in your marriage or it absolutely. Will. Not. Work. And that's the bottom line.

HOWEVER.

Please... do not give up! When you first married this woman you wanted to be with her for all time and eternity! Marriage is not something to be thrown away when the rough times come along, and let me assure you, they will not stop coming, although the way you learn to deal with them will make it much, much easier.

With that in mind. As others have said before me, marriage is a dance. It's a two way street. You can't control your wife's behavior but you can control yours, and by doing so, control her reactions - to an extent, of course.

It sounds like your wife has a case of narcissism, but try to look at where that has stemmed from. The things you describe are a (painful) reminder of how I once was. I will bet you anything her self-esteem is shot. This is not your fault. Maybe she feels like she has gained weight. Maybe she feels like she isn't as pretty as she once was. Maybe she feels like it's somehow her fault for not having a stronger testimony to keep you from wavering. Maybe she feels like she should have gotten a better job or a better education since money is so tight. I don't know. But I promise you, it's there. And so therefore she is not feeling as wanted, as needed, as attractive, etc. She may not openly admit this or even realize it and there's not a whole lot you can do but push her in the right direction... by pushing yourself in the right direction.

So here's what I'd do.

First, sit her down and straight up tell her, you LOVE her! Tell her all the things you love about her that you told us. She is going to need constant reassurance throughout this whole process. Then tell her you want this marriage to work. You picked her to be sealed to and gosh darn it, you are going to follow through. Even if you don't feel all that motivated about saving your relationship right now, it's a true statement, isn't it? You did pick her for your eternal companion, no? Be the hero from the love story, just for that hour or however long your talk lasts. Trust me, it will change that girl's attitude, even if she puts on a front (some of us are really stubborn, you know?). You only have to have this talk once, right? Suck up your bitter feelings (if you have any) and do it.

Then, tell her you are going to counseling to save this marriage whether she comes or not. Don't just tell her. DO IT. This is key. I can't tell you how many times I said me and my man were going to counseling and never went. Be an example. If wifey doesn't know how to play wife right now due to whatever issues she's currently dealing with, then don't stoop to her level and stop playing husband... instead, become the best husband ever! Teach her how it's done by showing her.

Counseling will make a very big impact. Go talk to your bishop. He will help you find a good counselor and help foot the bill if finances are a problem. His ultimate goal is to keep you together! He is your marriage's best friend! Take advantage of that, make sure you talk to your bishop, keep him in the know. He is directly guided by the spirit and in turn will guide you.

Do not react to her jibes, even if they get nasty.... She wants a reaction from you. At points like this just validate your love for her. If you can't do it right then, leave and cool down (don't go spend five hours at the buddy's house playing games as this pushes her buttons, try going on a walk or run some errands or try going to the gym - this is an AWESOME way to relieve stress, I cannot endorse it enough), then come back and show her you love her. Bring back flowers. Can't spend money on flowers? Pick some from the side of the road!

I also second just going to bed when she tries to stay up late fighting. You shouldn't be up at 1am regularly anyways. I like the no fighting after whatever p.m. Implement that. Set up some boundaries. Make the bed a no-fighting zone... if you are going to argue you have to get out of bed. Simple.

And just remember, these things take time! Hold on. Think of your child. And definitely do not have another right now. Maybe she is pushing for another kid because she wants to feel that if you had another child together it would somehow help solidify the marriage, to somehow help keep her from losing you? <---This directly ties back into the low self-esteem thing. She thinks you would rather be with other women than her.

And if you do all these things, you change your dance moves to try to match up with hers, and it still doesn't work... then at least you know you've done everything you can, and you can walk away without a single inkling of a doubt that this marriage could not be saved.

Sorry for this big long schpeel, but I can relate with your wife and in retrospect I have learned a LOT about this particular behavior. It is very destructive and if you want this marriage to work you need to fix it, by fixing yourself (even if you don't have even half as many issues as she does!) ;)

Best of luck to you!!!! And don't forget to pray!!

Edited by darling
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"Right now she is pushing for another kid"

I strongly recommend against this. My ex wife did this about 4 months before she filed for divorce. Can you imagine your own son/daughter being born to a single mother? Getting passed back and forth between parents for 18 years? I suppose she was serious, she got pregnant a few months after divorce, had to break up with her boyfriend when she found out another guy was the father.

beware.

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  • 4 weeks later...
  • 4 weeks later...

I agree with those who have said never to bring up divorce. If your marriage is truly an eternal one, you will not discuss it as though it has a temporary status. If she brings it up, though, you need to be prepared to call her on it. Something I've used with my husband successfully is to ask if that's how he really feels. If he starts pulling the name calling and abuse, I ask if that's how he really feels, because while I'm fully invested in the marriage and willing to accept him, warts and all, the one thing I will NOT do is try to manipulate him into staying in the marriage if he doesn't feel he can be happy staying married to me. I tell him he needs to decide if he wants to be with me, and act accordingly because I respect myself enough that I will not pretend for my children that immature name calling and other extreme behavior is acceptable. I have even resorted to using them to help him come around to normalcy--I'll ask him what he would do if our daughter was dating or was married to a man who was saying or doing the things he was doing. When he says he'd kill him, I tell him that behaving that way in front of her makes her think it's acceptable behavior. It's taken years, and nothing is perfect, but little by little he is getting better. I don't name call, but I do tell him that when he acts a certain way, it makes me feel like he doesn't respect or love me. I also present him with alternate ways to approach it. If he wants me to do something, he needs to ask me to do it, not assume I'll do it. I'm also careful not to use things like "you always" or "you never." No one can change what they have done in the past. It is what it is. The only changes they can make are in the future. My discussions with him tend to be more "I'm not mad at you for this, but when you do this it makes me feel terrible. In the future, instead of (leaving your plate on the table) could you please (rinse it and put it in the dishwasher)?"

I try to place reasonable requests. Communication is key, though, and she has to want things to be better. I think the turning point for us was several years ago. We were having screaming matches, and nothing was getting through. I told him I missed him, that I admire so much about him and want him to be my best friend, and that I missed the little touches, and the compliments and smiles I used to get when we were dating. I focused on all the things that made me love him in the first place, reminded him that he wasn't my only choice for marriage, but that I chose him because I felt he was the best choice for me, and that I still felt that way about him. I told him we were on the same team, and that I wanted our marriage to be one where we worked together to solve our problems rather than trying to blame them on each other. I don't care whose fault our fights are, I just want them to stop.

THEN I started flirting with him and telling him what I loved about him all the time. People are funny. When you treat them well, they tend to repsond well. She may never go to counseling, but that doesn't mean there's no hope for her. You just might have to be very, very patient with her and keep reminding her what you love about her.

I wish you both the best! I hope this works out for you. No matter what happens, you will have to deal with her for the rest of your life because of your son. That will be much easier if you're still married and not fighting.

Getting counseling requires humility, and not all counselors are worthy of the title. Continue to love her, and when she brings up things you're doing that bother her, try to take it constructively even if that's not how it's presented. Remember that you're not any more perfect than she is, and respond kindly and humbly, then try to do better in the future. President Hinkley said that if every husband and every wife was 100% invested in the happiness of their spouse, there would never be any need for divorce (paraphrased). Keep that in mind when you're choosing your activities and when you talk to her.

Finally, I try to apply what I call the "toothpaste" test. Apparently studies have found that many divorces originated from problems as small and insignificant as where the spouse squeezes their toothpaste out of the tube. One spouse allows it to irritate them so much that other little things start causing fights until the fights get bigger and bigger, and what was once a perfectly happy marriage is ending in bitter fighting. When we're fighting about something or I find myself getting irritated with my husband, I ask myself "is a $3 tube of toothpaste (or a dirty floor or a load of unwashed dishes) worth all the pain and heartache of a divorce?"

Of course it isn't, and when you can put the little things into perspective and contribute to the marriage cheerfully instead of resenting how much more you do than your spouse it goes much smoother. The question shouldn't be "why doesn't he/she do more to help me?" but "Is there anything more I can do to help them?"

When you think of the other person first, the rest will come.

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