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Emotional abuse is that method employed without the use of physical force for the purpose of intentionally subjecting a person to psychological trauma. This is usually done for the purpose of power control and dominance.

When the intent is not present, it may still be emotional abuse unbeknownst to the perpetrator which can usually be solved by "opening the eyes" of the perpetrator to the result of his/her actions.

With intent - this can be a very dangerous situation.

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It can come in different forms -

Making all the decisions without any consultation

Belittling

Bargaining ie you can do xyz if you do abc first

I went through an horrendous relationship where this happened to me, and the reason that I ended that relationship.

I can give you dozens of scenarios of what went on -

I would go into my favourite store. He would say "if you spend 30 minutes in there I will spend double in HMV"

If you make me a gingerbread cake I will allow you to watch xxxxx tv programme

Deciding where and when I could go, if I could go.

Locking me into a room until I agreed with him on whatever subject.

Just basically forcing me to be under his control.

Not allowing me to talk to my friends.

Allowing me to go with my Mother on holiday for a week then berating me for it even a year later.

Not being allowed to go shopping without him being there.

Emptying my purse to see how much cash I had on me, so that he could decide what he was going to spend it on.

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Secluding you, limiting the time you have with friends and family. Putting those close to you down in attempts to alienate them. making it feel so you have no one else but the abuser. Name calling, put downs, making you feel unworthy.

Psychological / emotional abuse is far worse in my mind than physical. The wounds can take a lot longer to heal, if they ever can.

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Secluding you, limiting the time you have with friends and family. Putting those close to you down in attempts to alienate them. making it feel so you have no one else but the abuser. Name calling, put downs, making you feel unworthy.

Psychological / emotional abuse is far worse in my mind than physical. The wounds can take a lot longer to heal, if they ever can.

That is so very true.

My ex kept telling me that nobody would have me, that I wasn't worthy enough to have anyone else love me, that nobody could ever love me, that he was my last chance, etc.

I am have now been out of that relationship for just over 18 months.

It took me a year before I was able to go on any dates and even then I am very wary. Not that I am expecting it to happen again but I am so emotionally scarred from what happened that it is so difficult to move forward.

It was because of that relationship that I ended up joining the LDS Church. I had started praying for a way out of that dreadful relationship, I found the mormon.org website and started investigating. Then joined the Church. Was baptised within 2 weeks of seeing the missionaries for the first time.

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Go to Heart 2 Heart website. (I can't find the Web address right now) It has a comprehensive list of questions to help you determine whether it's emotional abuse. It also provides a lot of resources for support. I have found it very helpful.

I looked up the website and the address is

Signs of An Abused Woman | Battered Women | Emotional, Psychological and Mental Abuse

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Psychological / emotional abuse is far worse in my mind than physical. The wounds can take a lot longer to heal, if they ever can.

I don't know if I would say that, simply because the physical abuse is tightly interwoven with the psychological. Sure getting hit or choked or bitten etc is easy to recover from physically, but that physical act alone produces multitudes more psychological scarring than any other form of emotional abuse.

My worst and most traumatising memories are of times my ex-husband physically hurt me and/or threatened to do so. If he'd never ever harmed me physically, I wouldn't have psychologically broken down as bad as I had. It was because I knew he wouldn't hold back, because I knew that he had no reservations when it came to doing me harm, that I became so terrified of him. It was because I knew that I had been lucky to live through some of our fights, when I started seeing signs that he was going to do the same to our child that I left.

You cannot physically abuse someone without it having extremely adverse psychological effects. Yes, all the other emotional abuse is bad and leaves mental scarring that is hard to recover from, but it is easier to be resiliant and find ways to overcome someone who is just basically being manipulative than it is to face someone who you know will physically force you into submission.

All that being said-

We all do things to others that could be construed as emotional abuse. The key to determining whether it is a serious problem or not is in whether it is damaging your self-esteem and/or dominating your will. We all haggle and barter and put down and bargain and manipulate sometimes. It is when this happens without limits, where the manipulator is always winning and you are being overwhelmed and downtrodden, that you have a problem.

Read Emotional Blackmail by Susan Forward. It will really help.

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I don't know if I would say that, simply because the physical abuse is tightly interwoven with the psychological. Sure getting hit or choked or bitten etc is easy to recover from physically, but that physical act alone produces multitudes more psychological scarring than any other form of emotional abuse.

From someone who spent 26 years of her life in an emotionally abusive marriage that in the last 5 of those years turned into physically & sexually abusive- Emotional, mental abuse is by far the worse. Why? Because they leave no out ward marks.

Go to the police and tell them your husband is abusing you. They then want you to go to a Dr so that the broken bones, bruises, and all physical marks of abuse can be recorded. Emotional abuse create the deepest and longest lasting hurts & scars. Yet they are not visible. I got over the wound caused by the table fork jammed into my chest- the bruises received all over my body when I was thrown across the kitchen table-counter-floor. Or thrown against the wall. Or had anything that was not nailed down thrown at me. The bruises went away in about a week after he beat me with his fists.

But the damage done by the emotional, mental, verbal abuse - well some of that I will never heal from. I have moved on. My celestial husband knows of my history and is so patient and compassionate. When the monsters tend to overcome me, his soft and gentle voice telling me . . ."Past Life- Iggy, that belongs in the past". . . helps me to banish it yet again.

Want to know what the last trigger was to an episode of a b s o l u t e, mind numbing, curl up in a fetal ball and sob? I head the song Teddy Bear's Picnic. It was background music to something we were watching on Netflix.

My ex had beaten me, my co-worker took me to the hospital and she gave me a stuffed teddy bear that played Teddy Bear's Picnic and she would wind it up and play it the entire time I was in the ER- she even wound it up and put the bear in my arms after I was given a room. As the drugs the Dr gave me took effect, that song comforted me.

I still have the bear, and I can still listen to the song- it is just when I hear it unexpectedly that those horrible memories CRASH all over me. My cracked pelvis healed, the bruises faded, the cuts on my body healed and the out ward scars are barely noticeable. That night was the opening act of Physical Abuse. That night the cops believed me. That night his friends believed me. After that night he made sure that the marks were in places I would have to strip to show. That I was too modest and shy to expose to anyone who was not my mother.

In my Real Life Experiences- Emotional, mental, verbal is W A Y way worse!

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Iggy- I do not disagree with you. I merely meant to point out that physical abuse includes more than the bodily harm. It is just as psychologically damaging as other forms of abuse, if not more so. Any psychological damage one suffers is going to be far harder to recover from than physical damage, yes. I've healed physically from things my ex did to me and have few lasting physical scars. The worst damage, from which I will likely never fully recover, is all in my head. But...

The damage to my mind and emotions would not have been as deep and lasting if I'd never been physically struck. That the man I loved was willing to beat me with a cane, throw me into a wall, punch out my teeth, choke me until I blacked out, and come after me with a knife pushed me into a state of submission, fear, and depression far faster and harder than anything he did before it became physical. Once he took it that far, all he had to do was raise his voice in anger to put me in a state of fear for my life- which would never have been the case if he hadn't touched me because I wouldn't have believed him capable of taking my life. And I would venture a guess that your own psychological scars became much deeper and further entrenched once your ex started getting physical.

Yes, you can show physical abuse to the police. Yes, people are more willing to believe you are being abused if you show them scars, bruises, broken bones, etc. That makes it easier to seek help. And if a person became physically abusive without first using the manipulative emotionally abusive tools to get someone under their thumb, those being beaten would be more willing to seek that help instead of hide it.

I agree that psychological damage is far worse and longer lasting than physical damage. But I would not say that forms of emotional/verbal abuse are worse than forms of physical abuse, because they all cause psychological damage. Trust me. I speak from experience as well. I've also been in that mental state where fight/flight took over and all I could do was curl up in the fetal position in terror. I didn't reach that point though until after the abuse became physical. The physical abuse is just as mental as everything else, and is typically a culminating factor that more fully locks you under an abusers control, making you too afraid to question or resist.

Would someone only emotionally abused experience that kind of fear? Maybe. But I doubt it. They may become depressed, subdued, submissive, confused, uncertain and unconfident, but I don't see any reason why an only emotionally abused person would be struck by true terror. This is why I think saying emotional abuse is worse than physical is inaccurate. More accurate would be to say that psychological scars are worse than physical scars- and physical abuse causes just as many psychological scars as other forms of abuse, really deepening already present scars and worsening the damage.

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I hope I'm not doing a disservice to those who have shared thoughtful and detailed perspectives, but I guess my gut reaction is:

The question isn't whether it can technically be called "abuse". The questions are a) whether you're willing to put up with this kind of treatment for the rest of your life, and b) if not, how you go about changing the situation.

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The question isn't whether it can technically be called "abuse". The questions are a) whether you're willing to put up with this kind of treatment for the rest of your life, and b) if not, how you go about changing the situation.

a) Willing to put up with it? Often the abused does not know that s/he can stop it. My ex told me that if I left him, he would kill my family. I believed him. I stayed.

He told me that if I told anyone he would kill my family. I believed him. I stayed.

Day after day, week after week - - - year after year, he chipped away at my self respect. Then he made the fatal mistake of not monitoring what I was watching on TV or what books he brought home for me to read. I would ask for a book, he got it for me. Never did he even look at the cover blurb about the book. From movies, programs and books I learned that what was happening to me was wrong.

b) First you have to discover that you are being abused. Then you need to find your way out. For each person/situation it is different.

When I left it was after a beating. I had had enough. Death certainly couldn't hurt as much as that last beating. And if it did, it wouldn't be for long. As for my family, I just couldn't take any more abuse just to save them. I called them, told them that Ex could show up at any time, and to NOT let him in the door, that he was there to kill them. For months I only called my family from work- never gave them my phone # or my address's (physical or mailing).

I was active in Church by then, and when EX did show up where I worked, he was like a deflated version of himself. No yelling, no verbal abuse, just cussing. He wanted HIS paperwork. His wedding ring, His letters from his mother. Didn't have any of that, was still at the house.

Any way. To this day, my siblings still do not know of the abuse I suffered from- and they never will. His siblings and mother know. They knew all along. Blast them all anyway.

Since I left him I learned that he was hot air. Since I learned that he is/was a viscous animal - I have healed myself. I made it a point to NOT become a bitter woman. Through prayer and following the commandments, I strove to be a better person.

I get pretty passionate when someone says that verbal, mental, emotional abuse is not as bad as physical though. It is as bad.

Changing the situation. First you have to change yourself. Build your self esteem. Gain knowledge that abuse in all of its forms is WRONG. Leave- put as much space between yourself and your abuser. If that means divorce, then do it.

Mostly, you must, repeat MUST always walk with God.

Had I not been recently active in Church- I could easily have become an abuser.

I have forgiven my abuser. I forgave him shortly after I left him. I will never forget it. Until the day he died, I would never trust him.

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I get pretty passionate when someone says that verbal, mental, emotional abuse is not as bad as physical though. It is as bad.

I understand and share your passion, which does make this a bit of a difficult topic to cover objectively. I feel for those who have been through situations similar to my own, and especially feel for those who were subjected to it for long periods of time. It really wears away at you, and when it sounds like someone might be lacking in understanding it triggers a gut defensive reaction.

I never meant to imply that emotional abuse isn't bad. Just that I don't see much of a point in making comparisons between emotional and physical. It all blends together. No matter what the abuse is, it's wrong and damaging. We could argue over the semantics, what we feel is worse, or how the damage is done- but there's no point in digging either of our wounds any deeper. We've both been there.

However, the phrase "emotional abuse" is also getting very overused in todays world, and I think it is largely because we all do things to each other that could be seen as emotional abuse. So, the OP actually brings up a very good question. Where is the line? When do you know if it is truly emotioal abuse and not just someone who has a tendancy to be a little manipulative, or someone being childish or selfish, etc? People who've been through it, like you and me, have a natural tendancy to become protective when the topic is brought up. But emotional abuse is just not as easy to define as physical. That's part of the reason it's harder to find help or convince a court it is happening.

Being harder to define doesn't make it worse. It doesn't make it less. But it does mean that there will be people who claim they're being emotionally abused who aren't, and that there will be people who are being emotionally abused and have no idea they are. That is why I suggested the book Emotional Blackmail in my first post. It identifies the range of things people do to emotionally get control of situations and others, even if they aren't being abusive. It also identifies ways you can respond that will help you set boundaries and maintain control of your own life and decisions so that any emotional blackmail you are put through does not cross the line into abuse.

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I think ALL forms of abuse are damaging.

Personally, when I think of what I went through with my ex, if I had to go through it again, I would rather put up with the choking me and throwing me across the room than the things he would say to me to control me. The physical would often end quickly, and then he'd go threw his honeymoon phase where he would make a half attempt to actually be a husband (mostly out of guilt) but the emotional would carry on for weeks and sometimes months, where I would dread waking up in the morning and dealing with him another day. That doesn't make it any less wrong.

There's always going to be people that try to claim abuse when in fact there is none, that's never going to change. There's always going to be someone that claims it to use services intended for those that really do need it to their own advantage and people who are going to go looking for reasons to claim abuse when really it's only to twist things to their advantage, be it with the courts or whatever other selfish reason.

Often the one that actually is in the abusive situation is the last to know. I was really convinced it was ME. If I didn't do this or if only I had've done this...then I wouldn't have made him angry to that point.

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However, the phrase "emotional abuse" is also getting very overused in todays world

This is my objection. Every time a husband says something nasty to his wife or perhaps (heaven forbid!) raises his voice, it's emotional abuse. No, that's nowhere near the same magnitude as beating or even slapping your wife.

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Interestingly, few of those attributes listed have anything to do with equality.

INTIMIDATION: Instilling fear through looks, actions, gestures, property destruction.

So then, what is the appropriate way to instill fear?

USING INSTITUTIONS: Threatening punishment with/by God, courts, police, school, juvenile detention, foster homes, relatives, psych wards.

Seriously? Telling your kid that God told him not to fornicate with his girlfriend or that the courts will lock him up for vandalizing is abusive?

I don't know. Maybe I'm the one who's off. I was not raised in an abusive environment, so "rules" such as those cited by FairChild seem dangerously arbitrary to me.

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INTIMIDATION: Instilling fear through looks, actions, gestures, property destruction.

So then, what is the appropriate way to instill fear?

I believe the point of that is that it is inapproriate to instill fear in another at all. Looks, actions, gestures, property destruction, etc are all methods that can be used to instill fear (among others). But no matter how you do it, it is wrong to instill fear in another.

USING INSTITUTIONS: Threatening punishment with/by God, courts, police, school, juvenile detention, foster homes, relatives, psych wards.

Seriously? Telling your kid that God told him not to fornicate with his girlfriend or that the courts will lock him up for vandalizing is abusive?

There's nothing wrong with explaining and carrying out the proper consequences for sins and misdeeds. The problem here is threats, especially if used to try and get someone to conform to what you want when they haven't, in reality, done anything wrong.

For example, my ex used to threated to call the police on me and/or put me in a psych ward when I started getting loud or wouldn't cooperate with what he wanted during an argument. This of course mixed with emotional manipulation- making it seem like I was the one who was wrong and/or crazy, when really I was the one who could have legitimately called the police for what he was doing. I refused to do so or even threaten to do so, because I didn't like the warped defensive feeling it caused me when he did it to me.

The threat was a tactic to get me to quiet down so the neighbors wouldn't call the cops and/or to get me to give in and do/say what he wanted. This is quite different from telling a child what the consequences for their actions will be or trying to instill in them a moral compass by explaining the wrongness of sin.

I don't know. Maybe I'm the one who's off. I was not raised in an abusive environment, so "rules" such as those cited by FairChild seem dangerously arbitrary to me.

The "rules" here do identify a very fine line that can be difficult to see if you don't have any direct experience with it. That line really all boils down to "how" you do something and the intent behind it, which is very difficult to identify and measure.

Do you use intimidation to get your spouse/children to do what you want? Or do you use reasoning, patience, and long-suffering to help them to choose what is right?

Do you use isolation to keep them from influences that might cause them to resist you? Or do you instill in them good decision making skills so that they can properly limit the influences they allow into their lives themselves?

Do you use threats to get your spouse/children to be afraid of resisting you? Or do you teach them the natural order of choices and accountability by letting them make small mistakes and learn from them so that they will have their own understanding of morals/laws/ethics and exercise self-control out of a desire to be good instead of fear?

The intimidation, isolation, threats, etc are all methods of cruelty and force to maintain power and control. While the patience, reasoning, discipline, rules, teaching, etc are all methods of love and kindness that will build self-confidence, and help others progress in their independence. An abusive person wants a spouse/child that will be dependant and submissive to his/her will and never decide anything contrary to what he/she wants. A non-abusive person will want their spouse/child to be independent and capable of making their own decisions.

So- Telling someone God disapproves of their behavior or that they will suffer jail time for continuing with a certain action or decision could or could not be abusive. It all depends on whether you are doing it in an intimidating manner to maintain control or whether you are doing it in a loving manner to help teach them right from wrong and improve their decision making skills so that they can be independent.

Edited by JudoMinja
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I agree with you JudoMinja.

My older sister walks a fine line between being a controller and being abusive.

When she is told that she has stepped over the line into abusive, she stops- back tracks and apologizes. She also makes every effort to not pursue or repeat.

My little sister is a controller, yet when you tell her she has stepped over the line, she really could care less. Do it her way, or hit the highway. Believe her version of family history or be a liar or even the bad person in the story. Consequently her children (and their children) live nearly 1200 miles from her and have no contact with her at all. I, also, have nothing to do with her.

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The OP had a good question, and thanks to all for the input on the topic. I've been watching this thread in particular and now have a few things to add to the thread in hopes it helps someone out.

I have experience with this topic, unfortunately, and I personally tend to over-analyze everything in life (scientist!), and also have a guilt-prone personality. As a child of an abuser, there have been concepts for me that took years to grasp and/or be okay with. One question is what does abuse look like? Am I being abused now? How about now? Or is this a normal parental reaction to stress, or am I not understanding enough?

Obviously there is not a "being understanding enough" line when it involves bruises. Emotional abuse is harder to define.

Another concept hard to grasp was what did forgiveness look like? Feel like? I personally don't have a relationship with this parent; haven't seen or spoken to them for years. When I married, I left the house and in it, left my two younger siblings to a fate that I was clear on how it would turn out. What did forgiveness look like for me when I knew what took place, and still takes place?

The best platform I've found that helped put me on the right path to healing and understanding is this article by Elder Scott Healing the tragic scars of abuse.

It won't give all the answers, but hopefully it can give enough to lead those who are in need of help in a positive direction!

It's also a great article to read if you need help understanding the world an abuse victim lives in- even after the abuse is gone. I wish the pain stopped the moment the abuse did, but the very nature of the thing has a wide, deep, and lingering ripple effect.

My heart goes out to you all. Hopefully the article helps someone out.

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