Help! Ready to give up going to church and marriage.


Guest FixingTheWrongs
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Guest FixingTheWrongs

I’m having some very selfish thoughts lately and I can feel myself heading down a dangerous road, I don’t know what to do anymore.

I think my wife has given up caring about her physical appearance and health. She has stopped excersicing the past few weeks on a regular basis, she recently had oral surgery and her face is all bruised and battered. She did really good for awhile and lost a fair amount of weight but needs to loose quite a bit more not only to look better but for her health. Everytime she goes to the doctor she seems to need another medication.

She wants us to be intimate and have another baby. Sadly I don’t feel any physical attraction to her anymore. Mentally, Spiritually and Emotionally she is everything I need and want. I want to be attracted to my wife but I don’t think I can anymore with the path she seems to be going down. She makes excuses not to exercise(knee hurts, too tired)and I don’t know what to do to convince her this is something I’d like her to work on for our marriage. I told her about how a few women have noticed me more since I’ve lost quite a bit myself and this seemed to urge her to try harder for awhile but it only lasted about a month. What can I do to not just encourage her but GET her to start taking her health seriously?

Now for my problems and yes they are irrational. I hate going to church and wish I could just stop. I hate seeing all the smiling happy beautiful couples and secretly wish some evil would befall them to not make them so happy. It just makes me more depressed and emphasizes my short comings and my wife’s physical looks. I’ve also fantasized about just going to a couple of dance clubs one night without wearing my wedding ring just to see what might happen.

I don’t know what to do anymore. I’ve tried talking to her about this but she just gets angry. Told the bishop about how I was feeling and thinking but he just looked scared(IE didn't have a clue what to do), really didn’t know what to do or offer any advise other than counseling. How does one go about getting counseling in the LDS church and how much does it cost? I’ll see what it brings and if it can help me.

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You need to get a grip.

If I was your wife, I'd SMACK you!

Your wife feels unloved. If somebody feels that, she would quit doing anything to please you. "For her health"... oh puleeeze.

Love your wife. However she looks like. If her knee hurts, rub it. If she's too tired, help her with everything - even carry her purse or bend down and put on her shoes before she walks out the door. Expect nothing in return. She deserves you being her slave for a while for all the idiotic selfishness your making her suffer through.

Give it a year of all that humility and I promise you, your wife will start to look to you like Cindy Crawford before you know it. And maybe by then you'll realize why all those people in your ward look so happy.

If she loses her leg or gets cancer and loses all her hair or simply gets hormonal and pregnant and depressed and... goodness, gets WRINKLES and GRAY HAIR... you will be glad that you found something else about her to love.

GGGGGRRRR... SMACK!!!!

Edited by anatess
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“Ye must watch and pray always lest ye enter into temptation; for Satan desireth to have you, that he may sift you as wheat."

You will never be free of temptation in this life, it's not your wifes fault, you need to start reigning in negative sinful thoughts about your wife or it won't end well.

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I’m having some very selfish thoughts lately and I can feel myself heading down a dangerous road, I don’t know what to do anymore.

.... Mentally, Spiritually and Emotionally she is everything I need and want.

That's 3 outta 4 bro!, you really need to count your blessings. You could find someone else and pursue your physical fantasies, but in the end, as Radiohead says "Gravity Always Wins". We are all just in various states of decay and it sounds like your wife has what it takes to last the long haul.

..just some additonal thoughts.

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FixingTheWrongs, this may sound like a strange thing to say, but maybe it is you who should be going to the doctor for a check-up; possibly a psychiatrist or psychologist. I don't really know how to word this, but your written thoughts are disturbing and it might be a good idea to see if what your thinking and feeling is normal or if something else is going on physically and mentally. Good luck!

M.

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Fixing, I think you're on the right track with counseling. Here's the website for LDS Family Services. If they don't have services in your area, maybe they can refer you on.

I can sympathize if the attraction is gone, I guess - if you're not in the mood, you're not in the mood. (Of course, you still need to work to get the attraction back.) I'm also going to assume that you'd never really act on this dance-club notion that's gotten planted in your head--we all have crazy thoughts sometimes when our marriages aren't going so hot, and hopefully with time you'll learn not to entertain those notions at all.

But this bit about you telling her that other women are noticing you more since you've been taking better care of yourself, really concerns me. Couples may pull that kind of manipulative bunk on Wednesday night sitcoms and still resolve their differences and rebuild their relationship in a neat half-hour time frame. But in real life? Nuh-uh. My friend, you just dropped a nuclear bomb on your wife, and you have some serious damage to repair. This isn't high school; it's marriage. It is never OK to deliberately try to make your partner jealous by entertaining attentions from other members of the opposite sex.

Oh, and don't fret about the smiling, apparently-perfect couples at Church. Odds are, they're as messed up as you are and think you're the one with the perfect marriage. ;)

Edited by Just_A_Guy
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Oh, and don't fret about the smiling, apparently-perfect couples at Church. Odds are, they're as messed up as you are and think you're the one with the perfect marriage. ;)

This is uncharacteristically cynical of you, JAG. I wholeheartedly disagree with the sentiment.

Yes, even the happiest couples have their issues -- but that does not mean they aren't really happy. I don't claim to have a picture-perfect marriage and don't hold my relationship up as an example to be emulated by others, but I sure as heck am not as messed up as the OP. Whatever our weaknesses, my wife and I love each other and are deeply committed to our marriage. We may not be perfect, but we are smiling more often than not, and it's not just a put-on. I wager many, perhaps most, couples in our ward are in a similar situation.

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I’m having some very selfish thoughts lately...

I don’t know what to do anymore.

Sadly I don’t feel any physical attraction to her anymore...

I want to be attracted to my wife but I don’t think I can anymore with the path she seems to be going down...

Now for my problems and yes they are irrational...

I don’t know what to do anymore...

Told the bishop about how I was feeling and thinking but he just looked scared

Not sure what good it does to tell the OP he's at fault. Sounds like he already realizes that and is asking for help.

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This is uncharacteristically cynical of you, JAG. I wholeheartedly disagree with the sentiment.

Yes, even the happiest couples have their issues -- but that does not mean they aren't really happy. I don't claim to have a picture-perfect marriage and don't hold my relationship up as an example to be emulated by others, but I sure as heck am not as messed up as the OP. Whatever our weaknesses, my wife and I love each other and are deeply committed to our marriage. We may not be perfect, but we are smiling more often than not, and it's not just a put-on. I wager many, perhaps most, couples in our ward are in a similar situation.

You're probably right, Vort; recent adventures in dealing with divorcing couples are leaving me slightly jaded at the moment.

I do think the point stands, though; that we have no idea what's going on behind the smiling face we see at Church.

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I still read a lot of blaming her:

I think my wife has given up caring about her physical appearance and health. She has stopped excersicing the past few weeks on a regular basis, she recently had oral surgery and her face is all bruised and battered. She did really good for awhile and lost a fair amount of weight but needs to loose

She makes excuses not to exercise(knee hurts, too tired)and I don’t know what to do to convince her this is something I’d like her to work on for our marriage. I told her about how a few women have noticed me more since I’ve lost quite a bit myself and this seemed to urge her to try harder for awhile but it only lasted about a month. What can I do to not just encourage her but GET her to start taking her health seriously?

I’ve tried talking to her about this but she just gets angry.

If you tell your wife she's not good enough and you could have better if you weren't such a stellar human being, I can promise you that she's not going to want to jump on the treadmill. She's going to want the floor to open up and swallow her, and since that can't happen she's either crying in the shower or eating emotionally or both.

Weight loss is a personal journey. You got fat, too. You are in a place where you're motivated to change that. You can't force her to be where you are. She's still your wife. She still deserves to be treated with tenderness and kindness and unconditional love. Work on those things first, and she'll be that much closer to being ready for the rest.

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I hope you also realize how very much easier it is for men to lose weight than women. It's probably very discouraging for her when she's trying, and you're losing so much more than she is. I know when I lost weight, my husband lost all his extra padding within a month or two just by eating the dinners I was making. He was still eating all kinds of crap at work, and still lost weight. I was counting every calorie and had to fight for every pound lost. It wasn't his fault, but it was frustrating.

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Guest FixingTheWrongs

Thanks everyone. I've gotten quite full from the humble pie I've deserved tonight. I have handled things poorly and I am scared at the thoughts I've thought recently which is why I asked for help.

My wife has asked that I be brutally honest with her about my feelings and thoughts and to never hide anything from her, which is why I've always told her everything. She has always respected my opinion and has NEVER once let it bother her, because I told her the truth. She has always done the same with me, brutally many times.

I know women loose weight slower than men, but you will loose nothing by doing nothing, she is not even trying anymore and I really am concerned it will eventually take its toll on her health.

I do take care of things as much as I can at home to give her time, my wife just prefers to read romance novels in private, soak in a bath for hours playing internet games and watching old movies with the spare time I provide her by taking care of our son.

It is obvious I have offended many of you and I apologize. I respectfully ask that my account be deleted as a punishment and the shame I've brought upon myself. I will look for other means of getting the help I need.

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Hi there Fixing. I know you've certainly gotten quite a share of humble pie here, but I'm hoping to help here if I can. I can understand where you are coming from. I'm at a point where my weight isn't what it should be, and am struggling to get it back under control for my health. Right now, I'm starting to see the beginnings of some ill effects like asthmatic symptoms, high blood pressure, a weakened immune system, troubles sleeping, early onset arthritis, depression, and a risk of diabetes. It's hard to find the time, motivation, positive attitude, and methods to get my weight back under grips. Diet and exercise that have worked in the past don't seem to do anything, its harder to try new things or get a regular schedule for my exercise, or even to eat healthy when my time is already so filled up and wrapped around work and child care. You love your wife, shared this struggle, got yours under control and are concerned about her.

The problem with your posts though, what seems to be causing the adverse reaction in those trying to offer you advice, is that you don't say anything about noticing any problems with your wife's health. You say you are concerned about her health, but it sounds more like a cover, because instead of saying something like "she seems more and more short of breath lately, doctor says her cholesterol and blood pressure are getting high, she gets sick easily, she's having digestion problems, etc" - all things related to health or signs of her weight becoming a problem for her health- your chief complaints have to do with losing interest in her and feeling unattracted to her.

That's okay. You're being honest, and you recognize that your lack of attraction in your wife is also a problem. Attraction is an important part of love and marriage for many people and is recognized as a pretty high ranking emotional "need" for some. But you can't complain about losing attraction for your spouse and then say you are just concerned about her health. These are two separate issues, no matter that they are connected in a similar cause.

When you say it is about her health, it sounds like you are looking for people to give you advice about what to tell your wife to do and/or how to convince her to start showing more interest in losing weight and putting forth the effort to take care of herself - to get her to also become concerned enough about her health to change. Such advice would be good and would likely be given if you voiced evidence actually related to her health. From what you've posted though, it sounds more like her health isn't really an issue right now and just could become an issue if her weight gets worse.

As it is, the fact that you've been "brutally honest" with your wife and told her that you're losing interest in her physically and that other women have shown an interest in you since you've lost weight means that deep down, she knows the problem isn't her health either. The problem is, you don't find her attractive. For some, that motivates them to become more proactive and do everything they can to remain attractive. For others, it just makes them depressed. And your wife being tired, reading romance novels, and showing no interest in losing weight sounds like a depressed woman. Depression causes more problems, because it will also cause you to gain weight, and then it just circles in on itself. If you are really concerned about your wife's health, which I think you are but it's more a sideline issue right now, you need to realize that your lack of attraction is compounding the issue, feeding a depression, and causing her more harm than good.

If she is going to lose weight, she has to first overcome her depression, which means you need to first overcome your lack of attraction. The first step to solving your problem is in you, not your wife. I know you see the problem in you, or your adulterous thoughts wouldn't be frightening you and all this humble pie wouldn't be making you feel so guilty. But you're trying to fix your wife before fixing you, which just isn't going to happen.

You need to find it in yourself to be attracted to your wife, no matter her weight. Weight fluctuates. Physical beauty fluctuates. Especially in women. There are going to be days, years even, when she looks downright ugly. But if you can't be attracted to her despite that, if you start entertaining interest in other women, start flirting with even the thought of infidelity, then you are going to have problems. You need to see the beauty in her the way she is right now. If she were to be burned and marred, broken and maimed, old and saggy- you need to find her beautiful.

Attraction is only partially hormonal and ingrained. The rest is a choice. You need to choose it. Flee from all thoughts that stray from your wife. Love her. Cherish her. Don't push the weight/health issue on it. She knows about her health. She'll take care of it when she has the time, motivation, and confidence in herself to do so. Right now, focus on taking care of the part of this issue that is in you.

As you said, your best route to get started on that is counseling. Your bishop should have the information for LDS counselors, or you can easily look up other counseling services in your local area in your phonebook or online. These people have the knowledge and training for helping you identify how to rebuild your sense of attraction better than anyone here can help. I wish you the best and hope you can find the help you need. For your sake, your wife's sake, and your marriage's sake.

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I'm sorry that your wife looks like Quasimodo (in your eyes), but you are going about this in a way that is not going to get you results.

For a millisecond, look at this situation from your wife's perspective. She feels unhappy with how she looks (if she's as hideous as you described her), so she might want to do something about it, but probably doesn't feel very confident in starting. She sees you working out and losing weight so easily (because you're a man and it's easier for men to lose weight) and she wants to be like you, but feels like nobody understands her frustrations. She feels alone and feels like she's more being pressured to do it to please YOU than just doing it for her own happiness and well-being. This is further emphasized in her mind when she is told: "Just so you know, girls are all over me, so if you want me to remain faithful, you might want to lose that jiggle, babe." That makes her feel good I'm sure. And I'm sure she feels motivation to keep working out when you cringe at the sight of her naked body.

You must not know women very well, but it's never too late to learn. She needs you to be supportive and loving no matter how she looks. If you REALLY want to help her lose weight, make it less awkward by working out yourself and encouraging her in a nice, non-pressuring way to come with you. Then show her some new moves (try BodyBuilding.com for some good workouts) and make it a couple activity. Do all the workouts together as a team. Bring a water-bottle to share. This will build intimacy. Kiss her after a particularly hard workout and give her props for her efforts. My boyfriend got me into working out with him by being very loving, no matter how much I slacked at first. He keeps telling me my butt is tighter. I don't see it, but it makes me want to do more butt exercises just to hear him say that! Now I'm the one who gets him to go to the gym. This is after like 6 months of doing it together.

Key points: Be loving and supportive. Hope that helps!

Edited by beefche
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Err... Just thought I'd chime in with some things.

What you're feeling is normal.

I know. Shocking, with all of the things you've heard from other people. Just know that it's normal to feel the way you do, and it's even okay to feel the way you do.

You're bored.

This is normal. You have been in a marriage. You fell in to a rut. You felt like you were trapped doing nothing, so you decided to go make some changes.

The first change was exercise. And this was good: Exercise makes you feel good, it makes you healthier. Everything is better with exercise.

But do not think for a moment that exercise was what made you feel bored. You were feeling dissatisfied, which is why you made a lifestyle change. The lifestyle change was incidental and not causative of your current feelings.

Now, let's look at what you're really feeling right now:

You're still dissatisfied. You're bored. Your wife is everything you need in a relationship, but nothing you want. You even recognize this is probably not a good thing which is why you came forth here asking for help. I will.

You are starting to resent your wife. You think it's because she doesn't look as good as she once did. This is simple poppycock. She is only a symptom. I am going to tell you something and it might shock you.

Everything you've done points to one thing: Bored with your wife, the lifestyle changes, the desire to run out on your responsibilities. Your desire to leave the church to embrace freedom.

You're having a mid-life crisis.

Stop. Think about that for a bit. You might think you're too young for a mid-life crisis, but it can hit anyone who feels the weight of responsibility and longs for the days of freedom they once had. You can act on your mid-life crisis. If you do, you will lose your wife. You will hurt others.

Before you do, be very careful. If you do everything you want to, it will make your life worse. Do research on mid-life crises and how to come out stronger for it. You're not alone.

You can't help the way you feel. You can only help what you do.

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You have made covenants with God and your wife. Now, it is time for you to be faithful to those covenants. You are expected (and should expect yourself) to love her and be physically attracted to her. Heck, it may be your attitude towards her that is making her feel unattractive, etc.

Instead of focusing on her, focus on yourself. Start teaching yourself to appreciate her beauty. Learn to love and be attracted to her as she is. Yes, she should work on her physical health. But this does not seem to be about that, rather that she is too fat for your liking. Sadly, in centuries past, beauty was described as a full figured woman. Helen of Troy may have weighed 200 pounds! So, since society and culture have taught you to be physically attracted to svelte blondes, it is now time for you to reject that cultural indoctrination, and love her as she is.

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Err... Just thought I'd chime in with some things.

What you're feeling is normal.

I know. Shocking, with all of the things you've heard from other people. Just know that it's normal to feel the way you do, and it's even okay to feel the way you do.

You're bored.

This is normal. You have been in a marriage. You fell in to a rut. You felt like you were trapped doing nothing, so you decided to go make some changes.

The first change was exercise. And this was good: Exercise makes you feel good, it makes you healthier. Everything is better with exercise.

But do not think for a moment that exercise was what made you feel bored. You were feeling dissatisfied, which is why you made a lifestyle change. The lifestyle change was incidental and not causative of your current feelings.

Now, let's look at what you're really feeling right now:

You're still dissatisfied. You're bored. Your wife is everything you need in a relationship, but nothing you want. You even recognize this is probably not a good thing which is why you came forth here asking for help. I will.

You are starting to resent your wife. You think it's because she doesn't look as good as she once did. This is simple poppycock. She is only a symptom. I am going to tell you something and it might shock you.

Everything you've done points to one thing: Bored with your wife, the lifestyle changes, the desire to run out on your responsibilities. Your desire to leave the church to embrace freedom.

You're having a mid-life crisis.

Stop. Think about that for a bit. You might think you're too young for a mid-life crisis, but it can hit anyone who feels the weight of responsibility and longs for the days of freedom they once had. You can act on your mid-life crisis. If you do, you will lose your wife. You will hurt others.

Before you do, be very careful. If you do everything you want to, it will make your life worse. Do research on mid-life crises and how to come out stronger for it. You're not alone.

You can't help the way you feel. You can only help what you do.

Here, Funky. Here's the internet. You won it. Again.

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I went through a similar phase when I was young. I was very selfish. When was the last time you got down on your knees and cried to the Lord in prayer? When was the last time you opened your heart and read the Book of Mormon?

"...It is not just that the Book of Mormon teaches us truth, though it indeed does that. It is not just that the Book of Mormon bears testimony of Christ, though it indeed does that, too. But there is something more. There is a power in the book which will begin to flow into your lives the moment you begin a serious study of the book. You will find greater power to resist temptation. You will find the power to avoid deception. You will find the power to stay on the strait and narrow path. The scriptures are called “the words of life” (D&C 84:85), and nowhere is that more true than it is of the Book of Mormon. When you begin to hunger and thirst after those words, you will find life in greater and greater abundance..."--Ezra Taft Benson.

Please do yourself a favor and find a way to experience that mighty change of heart that Alma describes to the people of Zarahemla in Alma 5. Once you experience this, you will see your wife the way the Lord does. You will see the world through Heavenly Father's eyes.

Edited by skalenfehl
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Guest FixingTheWrongs

I once again respectfully ask that my account be deleted.

Someone has managed to track down my real email address(not to hard since I was foolish enough to post a link to some personal info in another thread here) and using a spoofed email account, manged to send me a graphic email telling me what they really think of me and ending that I do my poor wife a favor and do myself in.

To that person, I'm am sorry. I have clearly offended you deeply. I came here knowing I was messed up but thought I was still a son of God who may deserve a chance at getting some help, I guess I'm not even worth that. Though I've had thoughts about doing myself harm recently, I don't think I'll ever do it. I'm to big of a coward and I don't want sympathy over this, I don't deserve it. I got what I deserved in some of the posts and this email.

Please delete my account and I'll darken your door step no more.

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I once again respectfully ask that my account be deleted.

Someone has managed to track down my real email address(not to hard since I was foolish enough to post a link to some personal info in another thread here) and using a spoofed email account, manged to send me a graphic email telling me what they really think of me and ending that I do my poor wife a favor and do myself in.

To that person, I'm am sorry. I have clearly offended you deeply. I came here knowing I was messed up but thought I was still a son of God who may deserve a chance at getting some help, I guess I'm not even worth that. Though I've had thoughts about doing myself harm recently, I don't think I'll ever do it. I'm to big of a coward and I don't want sympathy over this, I don't deserve it. I got what I deserved in some of the posts and this email.

Please delete my account and I'll darken your door step no more.

Please don't let some anonymous ignorant person from the internet dictate to you what you should do, where you should post and influence your thinking that you darken our doorstep.

All of us have our dark days, and if posting here has helped you at all (minus the ignorance of someone who is coward enough to spoof their own email address) then stay.

At this time I'm going to put your request to have your account deleted on hold.

I'd like you to stay.

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I'm a lil slow in seeing this, going back to your original post and questions looking for advice, all I can say...is if you were my husband posting this, I would be so deeply hurt by your post, I'm not sure it's something I would recover from easily, if at all.

My husband and I have both put on a few pounds since our marriage. We could both stand to lose more than just a few pounds. If you really want her to lose some weight, perhaps you need to spend some more time exploring the physical intimacies of your marriage (that can be exercise) and less time noticing how other woman are noticing you..which probably isn't happening nearly as much as you would like to think.

If that doesn't cut it for you, I know of one other way your wife could lose about 200 lbs inside of a day.

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