Discussing past transgressions with potential spouse


bonanzafan
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Where relationships are concerned I have always considered that the past of any man I have dated is the past, it is part of what made them the person they are now.

From that point of view I wouldn't want to know.

Even from an LDS Member perspective the very fact that you have acknowledged and repented of past transgressions would be enough for me.

Do you really feel the need to tell all about your past?

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While I do think there are benefits to an open and honest relationship, I don't think this is one where it's absolutely necessary you tell her everything.

One option (which I think should best be saved for when things are getting more serious) is to verbally offer her the option of asking you ANYTHING. Then, if she really wants to know, she can.

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Where relationships are concerned I have always considered that the past of any man I have dated is the past, it is part of what made them the person they are now.

From that point of view I wouldn't want to know.

Even from an LDS Member perspective the very fact that you have acknowledged and repented of past transgressions would be enough for me.

Do you really feel the need to tell all about your past?

I wonder how far this goes. Would you expect him to tell you if he had previously been guilty of rape? Of the sexual molestation of a child? Of identify fraud? Of murder? Of arson? Of beating someone into a coma?

It may sound like a nice idea to say what's past is past, but since past performance is the best indicator of future performance, I would think that past actions are extremely relevant.

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I've met a girl who has no serious transgressions, as I do. How should I approach her regarding my mistakes against the law of chastity? I'm so embarrassed even though I have resolved things with the appropriate prescribed order of repentance.

thanks.

Will your past transgressions affect this woman if you marry her? Like, did you get an STD that you'd pass on to her? Did you commit a criminal act? Are you likely to break the law of chastity again, and cheat on her?

Basically, use your judgment. If what you did in the past is likely to impact on this lady, then tell her. If it's something less serious that you've repented of, then it may not be necessary. Not all sins are created equal.

I mean, if I meet a new lady who shows interest in me (I'm widowed), I don't really care if she had sex with some guy ten years ago. Unless she caught a disease I should know about, or if she still has a thing for him, or whatever. So it all depends.

Good luck to you, my friend!

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I've met a girl who has no serious transgressions, as I do. How should I approach her regarding my mistakes against the law of chastity? I'm so embarrassed even though I have resolved things with the appropriate prescribed order of repentance.

thanks.

If you have truly repented, the Lord "remembers them no more". You shouldn't either.

Don't say anything.

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Just be honest but vague (after you get to the point of being committed to each other. If she is just a girl you want to date but aren't serious with yet, don't dump that info on her yet.) As the woman I wouldn't want to know all the details. But I would want to know that my boyfriend or fiance had done some things that weren't quite right- even breaking the law of chastity, but that he'd sincerely repented.

If she is a girl that can handle that much info then you could continue your relationship. If she can't handle that much, she's not the one for you. It will come out eventually and could cause really serious trust issues within a marriage. Been there. It's not pretty.

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I would want to know. There are some things that matters to a potential spouse. She may be the type that because she has waited and hasn't broken the law of chastity, she may expect her future spouse to have done the same. It could be a "deal breaker" for her. She deserves to know. If she marries you thinking that you're "evenly yoked" in the sexual experience department, when she finds out, and if you have a true marriage relationship, it will eventually come out, how do you think she's going to feel? She's going to wonder what else you've hidden from her. It could irreparably damage the marriage relationship. In the book "His Needs, Her Needs" by Willard F. Harley, Jr., he states that "No area of your life should be kept secret. All of your spouse's questions should be answered fully and completely...Honesty and openness don't drive a spouse away--dishonesty does." Be honest and open. If you lose her because of it, then she isn't the right person for you.

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If you have truly repented, the Lord "remembers them no more". You shouldn't either.

Don't say anything.

I would want to know. There are some things that matters to a potential spouse. She may be the type that because she has waited and hasn't broken the law of chastity, she may expect her future spouse to have done the same. It could be a "deal breaker" for her. She deserves to know. If she marries you thinking that you're "evenly yoked" in the sexual experience department, when she finds out, and if you have a true marriage relationship, it will eventually come out, how do you think she's going to feel? She's going to wonder what else you've hidden from her. It could irreparably damage the marriage relationship. In the book "His Needs, Her Needs" by Willard F. Harley, Jr., he states that "No area of your life should be kept secret. All of your spouse's questions should be answered fully and completely...Honesty and openness don't drive a spouse away--dishonesty does." Be honest and open. If you lose her because of it, then she isn't the right person for you.

But if the person has truly repented then the sin is gone. Why would something that is gone be a deal breaker? Is someone being truly Christ-like if they still punish someone for something they have repented of?

My wife tells me that she is ashamed of some things she did before we met. I tell her that if she repented of them then I don't care and don't want to know. Why? Because if she repented then they have been wiped away.

Would Christ want to us to judge each other by the sins we have committed? Or should we recognize that we are all sinners and show love and charity towards each other?

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I wonder how far this goes. Would you expect him to tell you if he had previously been guilty of rape? Of the sexual molestation of a child? Of identify fraud? Of murder? Of arson? Of beating someone into a coma?

It may sound like a nice idea to say what's past is past, but since past performance is the best indicator of future performance, I would think that past actions are extremely relevant.

I meant a normal sexual past, not illegal activity

.

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But if the person has truly repented then the sin is gone. Why would something that is gone be a deal breaker? Is someone being truly Christ-like if they still punish someone for something they have repented of?

My wife tells me that she is ashamed of some things she did before we met. I tell her that if she repented of them then I don't care and don't want to know. Why? Because if she repented then they have been wiped away.

Would Christ want to us to judge each other by the sins we have committed? Or should we recognize that we are all sinners and show love and charity towards each other?

Totally agree with you on this one.

I converted in my 40's. I have a sexual past. However, for more than a year before I converted I was celibate and continue to be so, according with the Covenants I made on baptism and Endowment.

I would expect any non-member to have had a sexual past, so I have happened to end up in a relationship with a non-member I know that he will have sexual history that I don't want to know about.

.

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It's a tricky line. Personally, I would want to know. My brother married a girl with a past. She told him when things were getting serious. She also told him she had repented. Yes, it was hard for him, and then it hit him that she had repented. After considering what she had done and the fact she had repented, he realized that not only was he expected to forgive her, he could live with it.

I'm not saying forgiveness of the past means you have to marry the person, but it's nice to know the situation and what you can and can't live with.

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Totally agree with you on this one.

I converted in my 40's. I have a sexual past. However, for more than a year before I converted I was celibate and continue to be so, according with the Covenants I made on baptism and Endowment.

I would expect any non-member to have had a sexual past, so I have happened to end up in a relationship with a non-member I know that he will have sexual history that I don't want to know about.

.

There are different standards for members and non-members. Yes I would almost expect a non-religious non-member to have a sexual history. But when a member does, there are more serious implications.

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But if the person has truly repented then the sin is gone. Why would something that is gone be a deal breaker? Is someone being truly Christ-like if they still punish someone for something they have repented of?

My wife tells me that she is ashamed of some things she did before we met. I tell her that if she repented of them then I don't care and don't want to know. Why? Because if she repented then they have been wiped away.

Would Christ want to us to judge each other by the sins we have committed? Or should we recognize that we are all sinners and show love and charity towards each other?

Yes, the sin has been made right. It's gone off the list of things to be condemned for on judgement day, but it's not like repenting of it makes it so it never happened. It did happen. And I think it's important for couples who want a healthy, trusting relationship to have those kinds of things out in the open. Not for the purpose of carrying grudges or holding something over the other person, but just for honesty sake.

My husband and I have periodic discussions on the topic of things he has done (and things I've done too for that matter) in order to remain accountable and responsible and not slip back into bad habits. EVEN when they are things we've repented of. It's a trick of the adversary to get us to believe that once we've repented, it will never happen again. Then we're carefully bound with that flaxen cord before we know it.

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God puts us humans in an interesting situation. We can remove the burden of sin from ourselves here on this earth. But we can't always remove the consequence of sin. Sometimes, that sticks around for our lifetimes. Sometimes, it impacts just us, sometimes it impacts other people.

In other words, if you have fathered a child, caught an STD, pay child support, or are on some state's sex offender registry because the girl was four days away from her 18th birthday, then yeah, it would be very wrong to get into a serious relationship with someone without mentioning any of that. It doesn't matter how completely you've repented - you would be perpetrating a fraud on someone if you married them without telling them these things.

If you haven't done any of that, then the situation is much less dire, but you still may not get off scot free. For example, let's say she says things like "I'm so glad we found each other - my mamma always told me I should wait for the guy who would wait for me", and you just avert your eyes and hum a happy tune, thinking "Gee, glad I repented and ducked that one!". Well, you go take a look at yourself in the mirror and ask yourself if you're being honest or lying to her.

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But if the person has truly repented then the sin is gone. Why would something that is gone be a deal breaker? Is someone being truly Christ-like if they still punish someone for something they have repented of?

My wife tells me that she is ashamed of some things she did before we met. I tell her that if she repented of them then I don't care and don't want to know. Why? Because if she repented then they have been wiped away.

Would Christ want to us to judge each other by the sins we have committed? Or should we recognize that we are all sinners and show love and charity towards each other?

Most people have a list of wants in a future spouse. Some will be "deal breakers", others may not. For example, on that list may be: a sense of humor, education, kindness, respect for parents, wants children, attends church meetings, blonde hair, blue eyes, sexual purity, return missionary, etc. Now, some of those areas may be deal breakers, others may not. For me, the wants children, attends church meetings, would have been deal breakers. I did break up with a boyfriend because he only wanted 2 children and was adamant about it. I wanted more. For someone else, that would not have been a deal breaker. Even, if we're being Christlike we can have "absolutes" that matter to us. For some, that absolute would be marrying someone that had never broken the law of chastity--even if they had repented of it. Yes, the sin has been wiped away. But, the memory of it is not wiped away. A potential spouse that has kept themselves pure may not want to marry someone that has had prior sexual experience and still retains that memory. The experience of learning sex together may be important to them--or whatever the case may be. They are allowed to have that choice. If it's going to bother them, then don't marry the person.

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I meant a normal sexual past, not illegal activity.

Normalcy is purely in the eye of the beholder. My point is that when we say, "Oh, don't worry about past sins! They're all in the past! We're past them! They can be passed over!", we leave a lot of potential problem areas uncovered. I'm not saying we should or should not discuss such things, only that it is not obvious to me that such is the best course of action.

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But would it be Christ-like to say, "Oh, well you may have repented of that, but that's not good enough for me."

The thing is there is more to choosing a spouse than both parties being worthy. Relationships are ended based on things that aren't "You're guilty of unrepentant sin." all the time.

Edited by Dravin
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But would it be Christ-like to say, "Oh, well you may have repented of that, but that's not good enough for me."

Maybe. Because again, even though the burden of the sin may have been lifted, the consequence of the sin may remain. Consequences of sins that remain include: lifetime struggles with addictions or alcoholism, felony records, mental imbalance, responsibilities to former spouses or other children, and a host of other things that could impact your life and the lives of any children you may someday make.

So yeah, if you're a single mom of 5, and the guy who did 5 years in prison for pedophilia approaches you for a date, it doesn't matter if he's wearing a suit and holding a calling and a temple recommend. In fact, if he's truly repentant, he wouldn't be approaching someone with kids in the first place. Your job is to love thy neighbor, and your other job is to protect your children. You can do both and still judge a righteous judgement that dating a former pedophile isn't a good idea.

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But would it be Christ-like to say, "Oh, well you may have repented of that, but that's not good enough for me."

I sincerely believe that if someone has repented of a sin, we should forgive them of that sin and let it go.

But that doesn't mean a relationship with that person is the best idea.

Indeed, I have issues with people who won't have a relationship with someone who has legimately repented of a sin (that doesn't have too many lingering consequences) if that is the only reason.

But if it's "I forgive you of your history of binge drinking of which you have repented, but I can't handle that dormant alcholism hanging over our marriage" or something similar, I find that a legitimate concern in the relationship.

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Whether I'd be in the right or not, I would have had a very hard time marrying a man with a sexual past. As a new bride I was very nervous, very shy, very self-conscious. At that time I had some issues with jealousy that stemmed from a low self image. It would have absolutely haunted me if my husband had had experience. I would have wondered if he was comparing. I would have doubted that I measured up. It was much easier for me knowing that he was learning right along with me, and that we were the only ones for each other. If he had sinned in the past and repented, I have no doubt that I would have gone through with the marriage. I loved him deeply and wanted nothing more than to be with him forever. But I would have suffered some consequences of his past sin, as well.

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