Do I tell her Bishop and stop her temple wedding?


sm1487
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I was dating a girl for 4 months and during that time we broke the law of chastity many times and knew it was wrong as I am 24 and an RM. I told her I wasn't worthy anymore and that we needed to stop. She would agree but then break me down at her house begging me to do things with her and I would give in. She turned 18 in August and in september broke off an engagement to a bf she had during high school and then we met and within a week she was talking about marriage with me but I would tell her she needed to experience more and that I needed to be better and wanted to respect her before getting into a serious relationship.

I didn't go out with any other girls but she would go out on dates with others guys but say she only wanted to date me. We slipped up a lot though and kept breaking the law of chastity and we never confessed to a bishop what happened. She kept getting discouraged that I wouldnt get into a relationship with her but I just felt horrible and didnt want her to think that I was getting into a relationship just to be physical with her because I truly did love her. She's the type of girls that is gorgeous and sweet and caring that everyone thinks is the nicest girl in the world, but in private has a different side to her that is very lustful. I wanted her good side and didn't want the other one.

In January I got back from Christmas and we kept dating but this time I would say no to her advances in my car or at her house telling her I wanted to respect her. I finally felt ready to tell her that I loved her and to look towards marriage and confessing our sins to the bishop, but she called me up that night and said she wanted to see where things went with this other guy she had been talking to on skype for the past week and a half that i didn't know about.

I broke down and couldn't talk to her because I was too hurt. 10 days later though I went to talk to her though and told her that I loved her and to not give up on me, but she told me she was in love with this new guy and had gone down to BYU to meet him for the first time over the weekend and that they were soul mates and she received revelation that he was the only one she was meant to be with and was already planning the wedding with his mother.

A week and a half later after Valentine's they were officially engaged after 3 weeks of skype dating and they had announced they would be married in the salt lake temple in June. It's been almost a month now and I havent been able to sleep or eat and don't know what to do. Do i go to her Bishop and tell the truth of all that we did so that she can't get married in the temple and hurt this guy and his family who have no idea about any of this? I mean he just got home from a mission in october and she is suddenly acting all spiritual about the church because his family is very LDS and I don't think she wants this to come out to potentially lose him and the family she has always wanted because she wants to live out her fantasy of marriage so badly. It's deceiving and evil. I'm wondering if i should even try contacting his mother to get her to protect her family and save her son before he kneels across an altar to a girl who is lying and unworthy.

I'm going to tell my bishop everything that happened and yes im scared, but im more worried about her covering this up and possibly hurting a good family. I've seen this exact scenario happen before and it tore a family apart and I don't want to see it happen again.

Please help, what should I do?

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It is my opinion that you leave it up to the girl to confess rather than you come out and tell her Bishop about the girl's background. The Bishop should receive a prompting about the girl's past, and if he does, then you should leave it up to him to make a judgement call. There are other times, perhaps, when you could come out and tell the Bishop about someone's activities, such as child abuse or similar cases like that, but, most likely in this case it isn't your responsibility to offer information about the girl. If you persisted, it will most likely make it appear as if you have bad feelings toward the young woman, and you are trying to make her life miserable. That is my opinion, I'm not trying to tell you what you should do. Good luck, Gar Edited by Gargantuan
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Why don't you ask your bishop?

If you haven't confessed this to him already I beg you to do so. While visiting with him explain what's going on with her and ask him whether or not you should tell her bishop.

Moroni 6:7-8

7 And they were strict to observe that there should be no iniquity among them; and whoso was found to commit iniquity, and three witnesses of the church did condemn them before the elders, and if they repented not, and confessed not, their names were blotted out, and they were not numbered among the people of Christ.

8 But as oft as they repented and sought forgiveness, with real intent, they were forgiven.

Personally if I were in your shoes I would indeed tell her bishop but I'd wait until closer to the marriage. I wouldn't do this out of vindictiveness but because I would want to give her as much time as possible to confess and repent on her own.

Once it got near the wedding I would call her bishop and ask him what he wanted.

"Bishop _______? I'm _______ in the ______ ward and I recently broke the law of chastity multiple times with someone in your ward but don't know what I should do. I don't know if I should tell you who she is or simply remain silent in hopes that she's already visited with you. What should I do?"

Hope this helps =S

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Another good question to ask yourself in this situation would be:

If your positions were reversed, what would you want her to do?

If I were in her shoes but had already confessed and was repentant, then you talking to my bishop wouldn't make any difference.

If I were in her shoes but had not confessed and was not repentant, then you talking to my bishop would make a huge difference.

Although in the latter I wouldn't appreciate it at the time, should I then confess and repent I would later be prayerfully thankful that you spoke up so that I did not continue to commit such sins and procrastinate my repentance.

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I'd leave it be. It's not your salvation, temple marriage, or even your business. Things like this tend to come out anyway in time, so if she has not already taken care of this it's only going to bite her in the rear later on, without your help.

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Am I to understand from the OP that you yourself have not come clean to your own bishop, but that you're now trying to basically blackmail her into doing so? If so, I'd suggest you look at Matthew 7:

3 And why beholdest thou the mote that is in thy brother’s eye, but considerest not the beam that is in thine own eye?

4 Or how wilt thou say to thy [sister], Let me pull out the mote out of thine eye; and, behold, a beam is in thine own eye?

5 Thou hypocrite, first cast out the beam out of thine own eye; and then shalt thou see clearly to cast out the mote out of thy [sister's] eye.

When you're in the middle of resolving your own sins, probably wouldn't hurt to say "oh, by the way, she's getting married in the SL Temple in June" and let the bishop do what he wants to with that. But for you to aggressively push it--in conjunction with OP here, which unfortunately seems to leave the reader with the impression that you're minimizing your own accountability for what has happened--frankly, comes off as more than a little controlling.

The Salt Lake Temple has been there for over a century. It isn't going to come tumbling to the earth because one (more) person lied to their ecclesiastical leaders and unworthily received a sacred ordinance. I think it's best that we all look to our own salvation.

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You said you "broke the law of chastity". I'm not sure what that means. Did you actually have sexual intercourse? If not definitelty shut up, but even if you did, I agree it's still none of your business.

A friend of mine said his Bishop recently got a letter from a girl he dated that described "making out" which is all he ever did. That was her idea of "breaking the law of chastity". He felt no need to confess this to his bishop, and really saw his ex as being totally out of line. He has no marraige or anything else pending.

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In the Book of Mormon, people were not to allow others to partake of the sacrament unworthily and were to witness of sins of their neighbors so that they could repent or be blotted out. We ARE our brother's keepers. I'm surprised she got any kind of revelation with the grievous nature of her sins (and yours) regarding her "soul mate." It seemed to me she used sex to find/try and keep a guy (you). Should you mind you're own business? That's for you to decide, but you are wittingly letting her enter a house of the Lord unworthily with perhaps an unwitting future companion. As for your own salvation, you know what to do. Sit down with your bishop and take your medicine, come back to the fold and be as valiant as ever while there is still time.

My two cents.

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This is in response to all the replies so far so it is kind of scattered.

The best scenario would be for her to confess to her bishop I agree, but she has already had interviews with two bishops and a stake president to receive ecclesiastical endorsements to attend school and they ask about chastity in the interviews. She passed each one with none of them receiving any promptings and that included her bishop who already helped her 4 years ago when she slept with her ex-fiancee, and her current YSA bishop that I would be going to speak too.

I do feel a responsibility to talk to him not only because of what happened between us, but also because she told me about getting raped when she was younger by her older brother and that her mother and I were the only ones she ever told but that they chose not to do anything to get him in trouble because she considered him her best friend and was married now at 21. I think that experience made her sexual very pre-maturely and that never having a father figure growing up has made her want to find comfort and commitment wherever she can get it and be willing to do anything to have it by adapting her actions to match the guy she dates and what she thinks he wants. That makes me personally feel horrible about what she viewed me to want, but makes sense when within days she had adapted to her fiancées high level of spirituality and was acting like a completely different person when we next talked that I can only describe as being almost like she had brain-washed herself.

She told me that because she went through the experience of rape and not having a father around that she was more mature and ready for a marriage than other 18 year old girls. That statement scared me because she would say that but then we’d be at her house and she would totally change into this completely different person that was very aggressively sexual. I wouldn’t propose because I didn’t think those issues were fixed or that she was ready or mature enough and that we needed to overcome those temptations and be more respectful before taking that next step.

I agree that I should wait and give her time to be able to confess, but maybe I should inform the bishop sooner so that she can go through the repentance process now so that if her fiancée still decides to marry her after she tells him they can’t get married in the temple in June, that it will give her time to only have to postpone it until July and avoid a lot of public embarrassment with invitations already being sent. If I waited until June then she might have to wait until the fall or resort to getting married civilly. I have no idea what a Bishop would suggest with how long it would be before she could go to the temple, but I do love this girl and the last thing I want to do is ruin her life.

Yes we broke the law of chastity and did basically everything. I will have to see my Stake President instead of my Bishop and probably will face ex-communication. It’s that serious and that’s why I feel so strongly that her bishop needs to be informed because of the gravity of the situation.

4 days before she left me for him, I was at her work and she was bringing up what we had done in a playful tone asking me if I remembered when we did this and that trying to get me to talk bad with her. I told her what we did was wrong and I only wanted those things to happen when we were married and to stop talking about it. After her shift in my car she tried to move my hands onto her body and was whispering in my ear about what she wanted to do to me and again I said to stop and she got upset and asked where our relationship was going as it had been 4 months and she felt like she was exercising false hope and was ready to be married to me. Then a day before she got into her new relationship we had gone to a devotional that Elder Perry spoke at and then went to lunch and she brought up marriage and about naming our son by my middle name.

Obviously I can’t bring up every detail of our relationship but maybe now you can see why I am so depressed and horrified with the situation. She was confiding in this guy about our relationship about me not proposing to her for almost two weeks without me knowing and he swooped in and told her he would give her that commitment because he had no idea what had gone on over the 4 months or even what she was trying to do with me days before they got together. He has the nice active lds family that shes always wanted as hers is completely in-active, and unlike my parents asked no questions and had no problems with her young age and embraced her. My problem has always been that I think I can save a girl from a bad situation and I still feel that way for her and also feel like I need to save him now from this before he kneels across an altar to marry a girl who says she loves him but is willing to hide sins and get married in the temple unworthily.

We are our brothers keeper and I have asked religion professors what the scriptures and brethren have said in regards to keeping the temple holy and they say it is a priesthood duty no matter what the circumstance to make sure no one defiles the temple, but then I have others telling me that I should just worry about myself and let it go.

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This girl sounds like she's got a lot of serious issues going on that require professional help.

I'm kind of with the other posters, confess to your Bishop and/or Stake President without saying the girl's name. If you go in there naming names and then say "oh by the way, she's getting married in the temple in June", it sounds a little vindictive. I know you want to protect this other family, but you are not responsible for her actions.

If she's only known this guy for 3 weeks my guess is her true colors will start to show and it will be up to this new guy to decide if she's worthy.

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I do feel a responsibility to talk to him not only because of what happened between us, but also because she told me about getting raped when she was younger by her older brother . . .

If your sole interest is helping her get over her traumatic experience, then naturally you would have informed her bishop--or the police--or encouraged her to get counseling--back when the two of you were still together. If you are primarily concerned with maintaining the sanctity of LDS ordinances, then you attempted to dissuade her from taking the sacrament (even to the point of informing her bishop, if necessary) from the moment the two of you first had intercourse.

If this is indeed the case, then your current professions of interest in her spiritual and emotional welfare are more likely to be well-taken. But if you didn't, then I stand by my earlier post: this looks a lot more like an issue of control.

You're obviously and understandably conflicted here. You thought things were going well, and then suddenly she was gone. And it's bugging the snot out of you. You claim to want to "save" her poor, ignorant new fiance, but also seem to harbor some resentment about the way he "swooped" in. You are aware that she had been telling him about you for some weeks before they became engaged; which means he has at least a vague notion of her potentially duplicitous nature. If she's as (pardon the expression) loose as you want us to believe--he knows what he's getting. Trust me. He knows.

You say some religion instructors have hinted that you have a priesthood duty to inform her leaders. Err . . . first off, pardon my bluntness, but your own priesthood is non-functional until you clear this up with your own leaders. Second off, per D&C 121,

41 No power or influence can or ought to be maintained by virtue of the priesthood, only by persuasion, by long-suffering, by gentleness and meekness, and by love unfeigned;

42 By kindness, and pure knowledge, which shall greatly enlarge the soul without hypocrisy, and without guile—

If I'd been on the emotional roller-coaster you've just been through, I don't think I'd be able to state with confidence that I was acting due to the motives outlined in scripture.

If you break up her engagement now, I don't think you will 100% sure why you did it. And if, at some point down the road, you realize that there was even a smidgen of vindictiveness involved in that decision, you'll hate yourself for the rest of your life.

Let her go, man.

Oh, and one other thought:

Do you know what the Hebrew root for "Satan" means?

Accuser.

I would be very, very cautious before stepping into that role.

Edited by Just_A_Guy
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I would first confess personal sins but in the process, I think it is important to let your bishop/stake president know about the girl and where she is at. He can take the information and do something with it...ie, contact the girl's bishop so that he can invite her for another interview. Or he can do nothing if he doesn't feel it his responsibility. I wouldn't go to her bishop myself. One other thought is that after you have gone to the stake president and you know what's going to happen with your own membership, you should contact her and tell her. It might make her realize the gravity of the situation.

I don't think you should keep completely quiet about her. She sounds like someone who needs some serious counseling and help. Wouldn't you want someone to inform you before you unknowingly married someone with big issues like that? Knowledge is a responsibility.

Edited by carlimac
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I was dating a girl for 4 months and during that time we broke the law of chastity many times and knew it was wrong as I am 24 and an RM. I told her I wasn't worthy anymore and that we needed to stop. She would agree but then break me down at her house begging me to do things with her and I would give in. She turned 18 in August and in september broke off an engagement to a bf she had during high school and then we met and within a week she was talking about marriage with me but I would tell her she needed to experience more and that I needed to be better and wanted to respect her before getting into a serious relationship.

I didn't go out with any other girls but she would go out on dates with others guys but say she only wanted to date me. We slipped up a lot though and kept breaking the law of chastity and we never confessed to a bishop what happened. She kept getting discouraged that I wouldnt get into a relationship with her but I just felt horrible and didnt want her to think that I was getting into a relationship just to be physical with her because I truly did love her. She's the type of girls that is gorgeous and sweet and caring that everyone thinks is the nicest girl in the world, but in private has a different side to her that is very lustful. I wanted her good side and didn't want the other one.

In January I got back from Christmas and we kept dating but this time I would say no to her advances in my car or at her house telling her I wanted to respect her. I finally felt ready to tell her that I loved her and to look towards marriage and confessing our sins to the bishop, but she called me up that night and said she wanted to see where things went with this other guy she had been talking to on skype for the past week and a half that i didn't know about.

I broke down and couldn't talk to her because I was too hurt. 10 days later though I went to talk to her though and told her that I loved her and to not give up on me, but she told me she was in love with this new guy and had gone down to BYU to meet him for the first time over the weekend and that they were soul mates and she received revelation that he was the only one she was meant to be with and was already planning the wedding with his mother.

A week and a half later after Valentine's they were officially engaged after 3 weeks of skype dating and they had announced they would be married in the salt lake temple in June. It's been almost a month now and I havent been able to sleep or eat and don't know what to do. Do i go to her Bishop and tell the truth of all that we did so that she can't get married in the temple and hurt this guy and his family who have no idea about any of this? I mean he just got home from a mission in october and she is suddenly acting all spiritual about the church because his family is very LDS and I don't think she wants this to come out to potentially lose him and the family she has always wanted because she wants to live out her fantasy of marriage so badly. It's deceiving and evil. I'm wondering if i should even try contacting his mother to get her to protect her family and save her son before he kneels across an altar to a girl who is lying and unworthy.

I'm going to tell my bishop everything that happened and yes im scared, but im more worried about her covering this up and possibly hurting a good family. I've seen this exact scenario happen before and it tore a family apart and I don't want to see it happen again.

Please help, what should I do?

What you should do is move on with your life, repent to Heavenly Father of your own sins and then become Temple worthy so that you can meet a worth woman and eventually marry.

Your former girlfriend is marrying someone else. You may be feeling jilted and hurt but telling your Bishop or her future in-laws is not helping or saving anyone. The only thing it will help is your bruised ego.

The girl may or may not have repented but her life now is between her, her and her soon to be husband and Heavenly Father. The fact that both your former girl friend and her future husband met online may or may not have any bearing on the survival of the marriage. But they are at an age of accountability and are responsibly for their choices. You can not be accountable for either of them, only yourself.

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LDSJewess,

I have to clearly disagree with this. If we are aware of sins going on in the Church, it is our responsibility to bring them to the bishop's attention. According to the D&C 20, it is the duty of every teacher and priest to ensure no sin is occurring in our congregations. As an elder, he's also a priest, and is responsible to notify the bishop of this.

Second, to allow her to enter the temple unworthily is to desecrate the temple. If I really consider the temple to be a sacred space, then it is up to me to ensure it remains sacred and not profaned by thoughtless sinners.

He should not take this to the family, but to her bishop (or do it through his own bishop). It is the right thing to do, to prevent evil from continuing.

If an old flame was stealing from people, would you say something to prevent the theft? Or would you just decide she is no longer stealing things with you, and so it is okay? So it is here. He's an accomplice to a major sin, and to not say anything is to prevent some young returned missionary from marrying in the temple to a worthy young lady.

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You can't know. That is why he needs to speak with his bishop, and have his bishop contact hers to ensure that is exactly what's happening. And if not, then her bishop can take the proper steps towards stopping a temple wedding, protect an innocent RM and family from such deceit, and allow a girl the chance to truly repent and be responsible for her sins.

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I saw a man in the temple on my wedding day that I know was guilty of sexually abusing someone close to me. Should I have called out his sin and had him thrown out of the temple?

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LDSJewess,

I have to clearly disagree with this. If we are aware of sins going on in the Church, it is our responsibility to bring them to the bishop's attention. According to the D&C 20, it is the duty of every teacher and priest to ensure no sin is occurring in our congregations. As an elder, he's also a priest, and is responsible to notify the bishop of this.

Second, to allow her to enter the temple unworthily is to desecrate the temple. If I really consider the temple to be a sacred space, then it is up to me to ensure it remains sacred and not profaned by thoughtless sinners.

He should not take this to the family, but to her bishop (or do it through his own bishop). It is the right thing to do, to prevent evil from continuing.

If an old flame was stealing from people, would you say something to prevent the theft? Or would you just decide she is no longer stealing things with you, and so it is okay? So it is here. He's an accomplice to a major sin, and to not say anything is to prevent some young returned missionary from marrying in the temple to a worthy young lady.

Here are the things I would question though.

If sm1487 is a Priest what are his current qualifications since he too has confessions to make that could make him lose his standing.

Also the young returned missionary who is angaged to her very likely knows. ALthpugh we do not know this for sure, neither do we absolutely know any of this personal business since it can clearly become a lot of "he said she said" when it comes to emotions especially those of people not even out of their teens.

I do agree about your anaolgy of an old flame stealing from people but in this anology this would mean the person reporting these crimes was also stealing

What appears is that sm1487 is not talking about an "old" flame but a flam that is still burning in his own emotions and that he is not wanting to protect the Temple so much as settling the score in some very unfinished business.

I think that when decisions are made as a result of hurt and anger, not much good is going to come of it.

As another psoter said, the girl may very well be working this out with her Bishop. Both she and her finace have made a decision to marry and they both have free agency to make this decision. I am not going to take the decision making responsibility from the new finace either because he is choosing to marry of his free will and it is his repsonsibility to get to know the person he is marrying.

I do wish them all the best.

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Eowyn, the proper thing to do would have been to make note of it to the temple presidency. They are responsible for making the determination of worthiness in the temple.

LDSJ, you are assuming too much. You are assuming she has repented, that she's told her fiancee, and that the Easter Bunny will soon appear to bring chocolate and eggs to all the kiddees in fantasy land. It is not our place to judge, only to ensure the Judge in Israel is aware of the situation. Once shared with the bishop, then it is his issue to manage, not ours. And yes, the young man must also confess his own sins, and allow the judge in Israel to determine the best course of action.

Bishops are called of God, but are not mind readers or psychics. We help them by sharing such information and then allowing them to decide how best to handle it.

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I saw a man in the temple on my wedding day that I know was guilty of sexually abusing someone close to me. Should I have called out his sin and had him thrown out of the temple?

Eowyn, That is a tough one.

The topic of this thread is focused more on two consenting adults going the way of the world and against the church, but they were both guilty and each will need to acccount for it.

The abuse thing is a little tricky, but I cannot see my self pointing fingers in the Temple and having someone thrown out. The contention alone in the Temple just doesn't seem to be right.

Bottom line is truth has a way of catching up. I surely always does. If we get to a point where we focus on wanting to live the gospel because of our love for the Savior and for Heavenly Father, then we will get to the point where our own forgiveness of others is as pure as the forgiveness that we would want when we are doing the repenting.

I think everyone has a good point, but that scripture verse "Judge not lest ye be judged" keep ringing in my ear. :)

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