Do I tell her Bishop and stop her temple wedding?


sm1487
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Okay, seems I need to provide some clarification to what I've said because at least the poster above seems to think they are subject to gross misinterpretation.

I am not at all advocating, and never would, delaying the repentance process and as I have repeatedly stated in my previous posts, the OP needs to get into to see the bishop immediately rather than worrying about what someone else is discussing with her bishop.

If I were to say that a person can repent after years of sinning, despite being raised in the church, then what I would be saying is absolutely true and doctrinally correct BUT it would be completely inaccurate and inappropriate to misconstrue that statement as my advocating that a person go out and live a wild life, sinning however he chooses and then plan on repenting at some point down the road when he's gotten the "fun" out of his system.

The OP's statements have not been directed at all to the issue of whether he needs to talk to the bishop but rather a "concern" about his ex's status with the church if she were to lie about her worthiness and go through the temple unworthily. My point was simply this - there isn't much a person can do that he or she can't come back from and even lying about worthiness, failing to tell the bishop until years later, doesn't mean that she is lost or that punishment will be heaped on her tenfold if she does decide to repent. Each person is accorded the efforts he or she makes to correct the wrongs he or she makes.

That being said, I would never advocate holding off repentance or lying about worthiness. But this thread isn't the ex-girlfriend asking what she should do; this is the thread of the boyfriend asking what he should do about her decisions and my response is and has been "let her make her own decisions and if she does wrong and wants to correct it, even down the road, it isn't too late - but it isn't the OP's decision how she proceeds."

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Okay, seems I need to provide some clarification to what I've said because at least the poster above seems to think they are subject to gross misinterpretation.

I am not at all advocating, and never would, delaying the repentance process and as I have repeatedly stated in my previous posts, the OP needs to get into to see the bishop immediately rather than worrying about what someone else is discussing with her bishop.

If I were to say that a person can repent after years of sinning, despite being raised in the church, then what I would be saying is absolutely true and doctrinally correct BUT it would be completely inaccurate and inappropriate to misconstrue that statement as my advocating that a person go out and live a wild life, sinning however he chooses and then plan on repenting at some point down the road when he's gotten the "fun" out of his system.

The OP's statements have not been directed at all to the issue of whether he needs to talk to the bishop but rather a "concern" about his ex's status with the church if she were to lie about her worthiness and go through the temple unworthily. My point was simply this - there isn't much a person can do that he or she can't come back from and even lying about worthiness, failing to tell the bishop until years later, doesn't mean that she is lost or that punishment will be heaped on her tenfold if she does decide to repent. Each person is accorded the efforts he or she makes to correct the wrongs he or she makes.

That being said, I would never advocate holding off repentance or lying about worthiness. But this thread isn't the ex-girlfriend asking what she should do; this is the thread of the boyfriend asking what he should do about her decisions and my response is and has been "let her make her own decisions and if she does wrong and wants to correct it, even down the road, it isn't too late - but it isn't the OP's decision how she proceeds."

I remember a conference address or Ensign article where an example was given of a woman who had committed a grave sin, don't remember what it was, but though she was penitent and remorseful in her heart, and lived humbly and faithfully afterwards, with much self condemnation, she did not confess for decades. I don't remember how that confession came about, either, but the compassion extended to her was beautiful and profound, and seems to me the perspective was that she had punished herself far more than any action that could have been taken against her.

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Okay, seems I need to provide some clarification to what I've said because at least the poster above seems to think they are subject to gross misinterpretation.

I did see the potential for someone to misinterpret your words but I knew you did not mean it that way. I hope I didn't offend you Gaust, but if I did, please forgive me =).

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I did see the potential for someone to misinterpret your words but I knew you did not mean it that way. I hope I didn't offend you Gaust, but if I did, please forgive me =).

No you didn't offend me at all :). You brought up an excellent point and I agree with everything you said - I just wanted to clarify my comments so that no one misinterpreted what I was saying. I appreciate what you said and I'm glad you pointed it out. Sometimes I assume what I write is clear but it's good to have a second set of eyes to catch how others might misunderstand what I write. Thank you for your comments!

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I was dating a girl for 4 months and during that time we broke the law of chastity many times and knew it was wrong as I am 24 and an RM. I told her I wasn't worthy anymore and that we needed to stop. She would agree but then break me down at her house begging me to do things with her and I would give in. She turned 18 in August and in september broke off an engagement to a bf she had during high school and then we met and within a week she was talking about marriage with me but I would tell her she needed to experience more and that I needed to be better and wanted to respect her before getting into a serious relationship.

I didn't go out with any other girls but she would go out on dates with others guys but say she only wanted to date me. We slipped up a lot though and kept breaking the law of chastity and we never confessed to a bishop what happened. She kept getting discouraged that I wouldnt get into a relationship with her but I just felt horrible and didnt want her to think that I was getting into a relationship just to be physical with her because I truly did love her. She's the type of girls that is gorgeous and sweet and caring that everyone thinks is the nicest girl in the world, but in private has a different side to her that is very lustful. I wanted her good side and didn't want the other one.

In January I got back from Christmas and we kept dating but this time I would say no to her advances in my car or at her house telling her I wanted to respect her. I finally felt ready to tell her that I loved her and to look towards marriage and confessing our sins to the bishop, but she called me up that night and said she wanted to see where things went with this other guy she had been talking to on skype for the past week and a half that i didn't know about.

I broke down and couldn't talk to her because I was too hurt. 10 days later though I went to talk to her though and told her that I loved her and to not give up on me, but she told me she was in love with this new guy and had gone down to BYU to meet him for the first time over the weekend and that they were soul mates and she received revelation that he was the only one she was meant to be with and was already planning the wedding with his mother.

A week and a half later after Valentine's they were officially engaged after 3 weeks of skype dating and they had announced they would be married in the salt lake temple in June. It's been almost a month now and I havent been able to sleep or eat and don't know what to do. Do i go to her Bishop and tell the truth of all that we did so that she can't get married in the temple and hurt this guy and his family who have no idea about any of this? I mean he just got home from a mission in october and she is suddenly acting all spiritual about the church because his family is very LDS and I don't think she wants this to come out to potentially lose him and the family she has always wanted because she wants to live out her fantasy of marriage so badly. It's deceiving and evil. I'm wondering if i should even try contacting his mother to get her to protect her family and save her son before he kneels across an altar to a girl who is lying and unworthy.

I'm going to tell my bishop everything that happened and yes im scared, but im more worried about her covering this up and possibly hurting a good family. I've seen this exact scenario happen before and it tore a family apart and I don't want to see it happen again.

Please help, what should I do?

An aspect to this that I have not seen mentioned is the girl plainly gets her self worth from promiscuity. Perhaps you could start with a lot of very sincere prayer for her, that she would learn to see the value that Heavenly Father puts on her. I wonder what her home life is like? What is her father like? Does he value her as a child of Heavenly Father? What is in his stack of magazines in the garage? Is the mother valued for more than her body, and is her mother supportive of her?

Perhaps you would want to talk to YOUR Bishop about your own sin, and leave it up to him to take action from there. After all he is the one with the mantle of authority. I would hope that any punishment meted out to her would come along with a heavy dose of love, reinforcement, and counseling so that she can see her true value.

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Let me get this straight, you were 24 and she was 17??? You might want to head to some place where there are no extradition laws...Besides, who do you know she has, or has not been talking to?

Recognizing that laws vary wildly between states, in many states this actually wouldn't be against the law.

I think regardless of where this was going down at the bigger issue is that this is just one more example in a litany of what the OP has posted that demonstrates a very real lack of maturity on the OP's part.

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SM1487, listen to rameumptum. Also, just because a person tells the new boy about the girl's past does not mean he's going to believe what he hears. This is why it is incredibly important to go through proper channels as rameumptum instructed.

I once knew about a young man fornicating but said nothing when he received the Priesthood. To this day I wish I had said something to the Bishop. If you say nothing you will regret it all the days of your life.

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  • 2 weeks later...

In the last two weeks I have visited with my stake president and bishop and have never felt so much love and mercy before. I am on my path to complete repentance now and look forward to holding a recommend again in the future. A huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders and I understand now the power of the atonement and the love my savior has for me.

To update everyone on what is happening with the girl, her bishop was informed of everything by mine and he called her in for an interview and brought up the allegations of what went on in our relationship and she completely denied them. A few days later she moved out of his ward down to Utah to be with her fiancée which prompted him to flag her membership records so that when her new bishop requests them he will be able to talk with her former bishop and be informed of what has happened so that he will not allow her to obtain a recommend and go to the temple to be married in June.

I broke down crying when told she has denied everything because I am saddened by her unwillingness to rely on the power of the atonement to make her clean again and that she is continuing in sin thinking that she can run away from this when it only will come up right before the wedding and hurt her and others like her fiancée and his family even more. There is nothing else I can do though as I have done everything that I can and I am confident that the temple will be kept sacred and she will eventually repent and be made whole again, so please send prayers my ex's way so that she can find the strength to confess, repent and move forward to become clean and pure.

I finally feel like I am at peace. Now I just need to rebuild my foundation and make sure this never happens again so that I can marry far above myself and find my future bride and be worthy to take her to the temple and spend the rest of my life trying to catch up to how amazing she will be. I am so excited for what the future holds for me.

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In the last two weeks I have visited with my stake president and bishop and have never felt so much love and mercy before. I am on my path to complete repentance now and look forward to holding a recommend again in the future. A huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders and I understand now the power of the atonement and the love my savior has for me.

To update everyone on what is happening with the girl, her bishop was informed of everything by mine and he called her in for an interview and brought up the allegations of what went on in our relationship and she completely denied them. A few days later she moved out of his ward down to Utah to be with her fiancée which prompted him to flag her membership records so that when her new bishop requests them he will be able to talk with her former bishop and be informed of what has happened so that he will not allow her to obtain a recommend and go to the temple to be married in June.

I broke down crying when told she has denied everything because I am saddened by her unwillingness to rely on the power of the atonement to make her clean again and that she is continuing in sin thinking that she can run away from this when it only will come up right before the wedding and hurt her and others like her fiancée and his family even more. There is nothing else I can do though as I have done everything that I can and I am confident that the temple will be kept sacred and she will eventually repent and be made whole again, so please send prayers my ex's way so that she can find the strength to confess, repent and move forward to become clean and pure.

I finally feel like I am at peace. Now I just need to rebuild my foundation and make sure this never happens again so that I can marry far above myself and find my future bride and be worthy to take her to the temple and spend the rest of my life trying to catch up to how amazing she will be. I am so excited for what the future holds for me.

I am glad that you repented and hope that you are once again set on the path.

I do have some reservations about all this. In this thread, I always felt as if she was cast as the aggressor, and I don't think I like that much. One thing that I think I have seen in my short association with the church is that we women are supposed to support the men in all that they do. I am fine with that but in LDS culture, I wonder if somehow women are conditioned to look up to and rely on men for direction much more than in my previous experience. And, I am really OK with that.

However, that firmly places the men in a position where they must not take advantage of their position. So, I want you to accnowlege at least half the responsibility for the situation. To blame her for your lapse in judgement is not acceptable.

It seems that you feel that you have been justly treated. Now I challenge you to pray for her now that she is being hounded where ever she goes. The challenge now if for the church to take the path that Heavenly Father has set for it. I do hope that future counseling with her will take a tone of healing and restoration, just like you got!

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In the last two weeks I have visited with my stake president and bishop and have never felt so much love and mercy before. I am on my path to complete repentance now and look forward to holding a recommend again in the future. A huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders and I understand now the power of the atonement and the love my savior has for me.

To update everyone on what is happening with the girl, her bishop was informed of everything by mine and he called her in for an interview and brought up the allegations of what went on in our relationship and she completely denied them. A few days later she moved out of his ward down to Utah to be with her fiancée which prompted him to flag her membership records so that when her new bishop requests them he will be able to talk with her former bishop and be informed of what has happened so that he will not allow her to obtain a recommend and go to the temple to be married in June.

I broke down crying when told she has denied everything because I am saddened by her unwillingness to rely on the power of the atonement to make her clean again and that she is continuing in sin thinking that she can run away from this when it only will come up right before the wedding and hurt her and others like her fiancée and his family even more. There is nothing else I can do though as I have done everything that I can and I am confident that the temple will be kept sacred and she will eventually repent and be made whole again, so please send prayers my ex's way so that she can find the strength to confess, repent and move forward to become clean and pure.

I finally feel like I am at peace. Now I just need to rebuild my foundation and make sure this never happens again so that I can marry far above myself and find my future bride and be worthy to take her to the temple and spend the rest of my life trying to catch up to how amazing she will be. I am so excited for what the future holds for me.

You sound like you are on the right track. Excellent. What happens with her will happen, and I will gladly pray for her.

I am glad you are at peace. This is the time to focus on you.

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You definitely need to talk to your bishop about yourself and start on your repentance process. With your ex-girlfriend, that is a hard situation to be in. It is her responsibility to come clean about the mistakes she has made. If she doesn't and then gets married in the temple, things will be much worse for her than if she did before she got married. When you talk to your bishop ask him what he thinks without divulging this girl's identity.

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