Engaged to Non-Member

[grownfromaseedwithin]

I am a convert to the Church, baptized on 9.25.10, but fell away in March of 2011. I have tried to find my way back to Church, but at the time I left, I was confused and not sure what to do. Being the only member in my family caused everyone to pull away from me so I left because I didn't want to lose my family. In that time since March, I haven't been to church in a year, but I want to go back. However, I am engaged to a non-member and we're to be married by the end of this year. He knows my past and how sensitive I am on the subject of the Church because it helped save my life (I suffered from an ED for several years and was about to give up on fighting it).

Me and my fiance have had issues like all couples. As I am ill right now, suffering a lot of GI issues and frequenting the doctor several times a week, he is supporting me. He's paying for my medical bills, helped me pay for university, and pays for the apartment we live in together. Without him I wouldn't be going to school right now, have a car, or be able to afford my medical needs. But he thinks Mormonism is a joke and every time I talk to him about me going back to Church, he gets defensive and angry with me and tells me I don't live that life anymore and should forget about it.

I am not sin free. When I left the Church, I tried my best to fit in with my family again-- started drinking (not anymore), engaging in pre-marital intercourse with said fiance, cursing, dressing immodestly, and questioning Heavenly Father and if he played a role in my life or I was crazy like my family thought. So for a time I was happy, yet now I am seeing that the life me and my fiance live is not so happy. I don't have any friends, we stay at home all day long, except going out for doctor's, school, or shopping. He is on the computer ALL the time and it drives me nuts, yet when I talk to him about it it doesn't phase him.

He is a a great guy and I could NEVER fathom leaving him, but I don't know what to do. The reason why I haven't gone back to Church sooner is because of him. Because he's not included in it and he told me he could never ever be Mormon. Last night we went out to a movie with a few friends (his sister, her boyfriend, and sister's friend), and he brought up how I was invited to a Mormon wedding which I didn't go to because he didn't think it was fair for me to go and leave him at home. And he sat there and made fun of the Church and Temples with them as if it was some massive joke to him. When we left I broke down and he apologized for being a jerk, but it's been bothering me really bad. I'm in this moping funk because of it.

Sorry this is so long. I just don't know what I should do. I'm afraid I'll be judged for living with my non-member fiance if I go back to Church and that it might tear us apart. He says that me wanting to be Mormon is what is driving a wedge between us. But he doesn't seem to think it's such a big deal that I gave up so much to be with him and I'm not happy. Sorry for this rant. I just needed to get things off my chest because I don't know how many more times I can talk to my fiance about being Mormon. He just doesn't seem to think I'm serious. I've been praying and praying, but I don't know what else I could do.

Does anyone have any advice? I'm afraid that if I go back to Church and talk to a Bishop (I don't even know what my homeward is) that they'll say that I'm not worthy to take Sacrament or can't repent until I leave my situation (i.e. living with finace regardless of whether we engage in sexual acts--I don't want to anymore-- breaking the purity laws, etc.).

Anyone ever been in this situation? For reference I'm a 22 year old female, going on 23 in May, and would be in a YSA ward. And absolutely none of my family is Mormon so I don't know who to talk to and haven't talked to my Mormon friends in a long while so I don't know who to go to. Please help, I'm depserate!

[Backroads]

It seems to be your fiance isn't interested in what you have to say, which is a red flag. There is no reason for him to get defensive and angry about your spiritual choices.

Tell him that if he really respects you, he would support you.

[NeuroTypical]

Sounds like you have three pretty clear choices.

1. Pick him, no church.

2. Pick church, no him.

3. Try to have it both ways, until someone loses, and hope the relationship survives the bitterness from the one who lost, which it usually doesn't.

The weakest people will pick #3. Sometimes, they even bring a kid or twelve into that situation before the relationship is destroyed.

[Leah]

It seems to be your fiance isn't interested in what you have to say, which is a red flag. There is no reason for him to get defensive and angry about your spiritual choices.

Tell him that if he really respects you, he would support you.

I agree.

To the OP....if he is a "great guy", why is he treating you so disrespectfully? A great guy would not treat any women this way, much less a girlfriend.

You say you could "never fathom" leaving him. Again, I have to wonder why you couldn't fathom breaking up with someone who treats you so disrespectfully and has such disdain for the church. I don't see how these things add up to a "great guy".

Which is more important to you....staying with this person or returning to the Church? Which is going to be the right thing to do in the long run?

[Backroads]

Sorry, but I keep thinking about this thread! Some problems I see:

But he thinks Mormonism is a joke and every time I talk to him about me going back to Church, he gets defensive and angry with me and tells me I don't live that life anymore and should forget about it.

Again, this a silly reason to get defensive and angry about. Also, who is he to say what life you get to live? And this just isn't about being Mormon. Insert whatever religion you want instead of Mormonism and you've still got a problem.

questioning Heavenly Father and if he played a role in my life or I was crazy like my family thought

While I get family thinking one of their members is "crazy" for one reason or another, how serious is this? Were they mean and disrepectful because you were "crazy"?

So for a time I was happy, yet now I am seeing that the life me and my fiance live is not so happy

So your life isn't making you happy. Best choice is to fix that.

I don't have any friends, we stay at home all day long, except going out for doctor's, school, or shopping.

Mind you, I'm a social hermit, but this doesn't sound healthy.

He is on the computer ALL the time and it drives me nuts, yet when I talk to him about it it doesn't phase him.

He's a computer geek--fine. He doesn't care what you have to say--not so fine.

He is a a great guy and I could NEVER fathom leaving him

I'm not saying I don't believe you, but so far nothing in your post has said he's a good guy. Yes, it's great he's helping you finances and health and whatnot, but I'm getting the impression those are the only reasons you are with him.

Because he's not included in it and he told me he could never ever be Mormon.

Fair enough. It's natural that he would feel the pain of being excluded, and it's his choice to follow what spiritual path he wants.

he brought up how I was invited to a Mormon wedding which I didn't go to because he didn't think it was fair for me to go and leave him at home.

Big baby. Are you allowed to do anything without him around?

And he sat there and made fun of the Church and Temples with them as if it was some massive joke to him. When we left I broke down and he apologized for being a jerk, but it's been bothering me really bad

I'm assuming he knew you would be offended by the jokes before he even made them. An apology isnt' going to cover that. He knew you were a Mormon--inactive but interested--and should have stood up for you instead of worrying about his friends' sense of humor!

I'm afraid I'll be judged for living with my non-member fiance if I go back to Church and that it might tear us apart

Hopefully not. In fact, I dont' think many would judge you. I think the majority would either commend you for attending anyway of figure it's not their business.

He says that me wanting to be Mormon is what is driving a wedge between us

Sounds like what is driving the wedge is the fact he doesn't want you to be a Mormon.

But he doesn't seem to think it's such a big deal that I gave up so much to be with him and I'm not happy.

Yet he's a great guy? Have you told him that you feel you gave up so much? Have you told him you're unhappy?

I'm afraid that if I go back to Church and talk to a Bishop (I don't even know what my homeward is) that they'll say that I'm not worthy to take Sacrament or can't repent until I leave my situation

You don't know until you try. Likely, a bishop will work with you. If you don't know your home ward, google LDS maps.

[Backroads]

I also checked your post history and saw you brought up the problem several months ago. How have things changed since then? Feeling worse? Feeling better?

[grownfromaseedwithin]

When he wants to "talk" to me about Church, he says that I should do whatever I want. And if I want to be Mormon so bad then I should just do it but if we fall apart it's my fault. We can't have a sensible conversation about the subject. It's really hard on me. I know that my choices affect him, I'm just not sure if he's trying to control me because he's afraid he'll lose me (he said that he's afraid if I go back to church I'll find someone and want to marry them in the Temple and leave him) or because of some other reason. He hasn't been real clear. I've asked him but he gets so touchy about everything.

I've painted him in a pretty bad light, but he's only like this on this issue. Everything else he's wonderful on. I love him so much and couldn't imagine marrying anyone else. But this religion thing is a very big issue. He's convinced that I'll see that once I'll go back to Church that I won't be happy, it'll just make me realize how wrong I was about the whole thing and that all I really want is friends. True, I want friends because I have never had friends like I have in Church. But it's more than that. I'm spiritually unhappy, just unhappy as a whole really. It's gotten to the point where our "Mormon" talks are affecting other parts of our relationship.

I'm willing to make it work even if he doesn't end up becoming Mormon. But I'm not so sure if he'd be on board with the whole thing because it would mean that I would inevitably change. For the better for me, but I'm afraid he would only see that change as a negative thing. I don't know. I'm going to explore some church resources and see what I can do in ways of getting back to Heavenly Father. I really want to talk to a Bishop. One step at a time...

[Backroads]

Indeed, trust your gut and talk to the bishop. I also wonder if he and you would be up for couples' therapy, since you say the Mormon issue is The Big Thing. To me, that sounds like what needs to be tackled, and if the two of you can't have a good conversation about it, perhaps a mediator would help.

[grownfromaseedwithin]

I also checked your post history and saw you brought up the problem several months ago. How have things changed since then? Feeling worse? Feeling better?

They haven't changed. I dropped the subject and didn't go. My fiance got weird on me because I used to date my best friend for several months before me broke things off and we still talk. But at the time of me wanting to go back I wasn't sure who to talk to so I talked to him and my fiance didn't like that. So I thought it would be safe for me to not go into that territory. My friend was going to show me the Institute on campus as I had just transferred univerisites and all my friends and knowledge had to do with my old university.

My fiance is still pretty very not cool with the whole Mormon thing. He hasn't made fun of it until recently though, but he kind of drives me down about it. I think he is trying to put "sense" into me the way my family did when I told them I was getting baptized. But he doesn't know anything about the Church. I tried to get him to read on it, but it doesn't interest him. He just listens to me about him and then doesn't say anything or tries to talk me out of going because of one thing or the other. Usually has something to do with my life now as I'm not going to Church.

Would I be able to talk to missionaries about this? I live 10 minutes away from the Mesa Temple. I have yet to visit it. I don't have a Temple Recommend, but I think I'd like to go just to sit in peace and think about things.

[Just_A_Guy]

Mormonism wouldn't make you leave this guy. To the contrary, the Church would be absolutely thrilled if you converted your relationship to a bona fide marriage.

But it seems that this guy would make you leave Mormonism; and he wants you to continue being a version of yourself that you don't particularly seem to like.

Good luck with your decision, whatever it is.

[Backroads]

I'm thinking the missionaries might recommend you to someone else, but prior to that they might be a good sounding board. By all means, visit the temple grounds and walk around!

[IamMe]

To be honest, your post brings up a number of red flags for me.

* you have no friends

* you couldn't attend a mormon wedding because he couldn't / wouldn't tag along

* he's told you if the church tears you apart, it's your fault

* you've brought up issues in your relationship, but it doesn't "phase" him... by that I take it to mean he's unwilling to work on it.

*he makes fun of your religion

* tries to talk you out of going...or doing something YOU want to do

Since another posted that you also brought up this same issue a few months ago, I believe that the Holy Spirit is trying to whisper in your ear and guide you towards the path that will bring you the most happiness, what you choose to do with that whisper is your free agency.

I think you know what path is the right one, and I doubt you're going to find it where you are now.

[uniderth]

The biggest issue I found in your post was this:

I am not sin free.

Nobody is sin free. It is impossible to be sin free. I think that some of your issues may stem from the belief that you must somehow become sin free. But this is NOT possible in this life. No one can be sin free.

Do not let past sins weigh you down. Christ's atoning sacrifice overcomes our sins. It is freely offered to all who believe in him and repent. His atonement lifts the burden of our sins off of us because it allows us to be forgiven for the sins we have done. You will be forgiven of your sins. do not let then weigh you down. instead focus your energy on becoming more like Christ. Don't worry about being perfect, instead worry about being kind, loving, and charitable.

Now the other thing I see is that this relationship is VERY dangerous. In all likelihood it will not turn out well in the end. Someone who truly loves you will respect your choice of religion if it provides fulfillment for you. He will not belittle or make fun of your choices.

This man is trying to influence you unrighteous by being disrespectful about things you care about. Someone who is genuinely concerned about you would sit down and rationally discuss the issues. He would say, "Hey, this is what I've read about Mormonism and this why I disagree with it." He would respect your choice to attend and support you in it but he doesn't have to agree.

And the same thing goes for the Mormon spouse. If your spouse decides to leave Mormonism talk about it rationally. Don't exercise unrighteous dominion over your spouse.

It may be hard for you to end this relationship, but it will be easier now than later. His disrespect for the belief systems of others if very telling about his nature and it is VERY SCARY!

[Guest]

You said this is the only thing he is "bad" to you about. Everything else he is a "great guy". I'm wondering if you've stood on the other side of the fence on anything else besides Church. You might find that if you oppose him, he goes Sleeping With The Enemy on you.

Very red flag. Especially since he is supporting you - a giant control factor. If I was an abusive control freak, I would pick girls who are dependent on me for everything - especially the most important things like health and shelter. Then it is easy to put her under my thumb and squeeze to get her in line.

You might want to really sit down and evaluate this relationship.

[Backroads]

Another thought...

While there is a certain amount of understanding that he might fear you would leave him if you became too involved in the Church, breaking up with you "first" still puts all the responsibility of the break-up on him.

[LDSJewess]

I am a convert to the Church, baptized on 9.25.10, but fell away in March of 2011. I have tried to find my way back to Church, but at the time I left, I was confused and not sure what to do. Being the only member in my family caused everyone to pull away from me so I left because I didn't want to lose my family. In that time since March, I haven't been to church in a year, but I want to go back. However, I am engaged to a non-member and we're to be married by the end of this year. He knows my past and how sensitive I am on the subject of the Church because it helped save my life (I suffered from an ED for several years and was about to give up on fighting it).

Me and my fiance have had issues like all couples. As I am ill right now, suffering a lot of GI issues and frequenting the doctor several times a week, he is supporting me. He's paying for my medical bills, helped me pay for university, and pays for the apartment we live in together. Without him I wouldn't be going to school right now, have a car, or be able to afford my medical needs. But he thinks Mormonism is a joke and every time I talk to him about me going back to Church, he gets defensive and angry with me and tells me I don't live that life anymore and should forget about it.

I am not sin free. When I left the Church, I tried my best to fit in with my family again-- started drinking (not anymore), engaging in pre-marital intercourse with said fiance, cursing, dressing immodestly, and questioning Heavenly Father and if he played a role in my life or I was crazy like my family thought. So for a time I was happy, yet now I am seeing that the life me and my fiance live is not so happy. I don't have any friends, we stay at home all day long, except going out for doctor's, school, or shopping. He is on the computer ALL the time and it drives me nuts, yet when I talk to him about it it doesn't phase him.

He is a a great guy and I could NEVER fathom leaving him, but I don't know what to do. The reason why I haven't gone back to Church sooner is because of him. Because he's not included in it and he told me he could never ever be Mormon. Last night we went out to a movie with a few friends (his sister, her boyfriend, and sister's friend), and he brought up how I was invited to a Mormon wedding which I didn't go to because he didn't think it was fair for me to go and leave him at home. And he sat there and made fun of the Church and Temples with them as if it was some massive joke to him. When we left I broke down and he apologized for being a jerk, but it's been bothering me really bad. I'm in this moping funk because of it.

Sorry this is so long. I just don't know what I should do. I'm afraid I'll be judged for living with my non-member fiance if I go back to Church and that it might tear us apart. He says that me wanting to be Mormon is what is driving a wedge between us. But he doesn't seem to think it's such a big deal that I gave up so much to be with him and I'm not happy. Sorry for this rant. I just needed to get things off my chest because I don't know how many more times I can talk to my fiance about being Mormon. He just doesn't seem to think I'm serious. I've been praying and praying, but I don't know what else I could do.

Does anyone have any advice? I'm afraid that if I go back to Church and talk to a Bishop (I don't even know what my homeward is) that they'll say that I'm not worthy to take Sacrament or can't repent until I leave my situation (i.e. living with finace regardless of whether we engage in sexual acts--I don't want to anymore-- breaking the purity laws, etc.).

Anyone ever been in this situation? For reference I'm a 22 year old female, going on 23 in May, and would be in a YSA ward. And absolutely none of my family is Mormon so I don't know who to talk to and haven't talked to my Mormon friends in a long while so I don't know who to go to. Please help, I'm depserate!

Yes I do have some advice.

Please read and ponder the post you made. Here are the red flags that you need to take a look at:

You say "life is not happy" with your fiance. You close you post saying you are deserate.

But mid way through your post you say you could "never fathom leaving" the fiance.

I am saying this to you with sincere love and kindness and thoughts and prayers for you, but this may come off harsh.

Think about it. You are admittedly unhappy and desperate because of your fiance yet you cannot fathom laving him. Why? Allowing yourself to be engaged to a man who makes you unhappy is not only un healthy, it is self abuse pure and simple.

The bottom line is if you do not yet feel worthy, then you will have to work at getting worthy. This will not happen if you align yourself with other unworthy people, and you don't get to use the other unworthy people as an excuse for you being unworthy.

If you are strong enough which seems doubtful at this point, but if you commit yourself to becoming worthy, then you need to just do it. Go to church, read your scriptures and align yourself with a supportive network of brothers and sisters within your Ward. You can care about and love your family but you do not have to live like them.

To become worthy the fiance has to go (at least from your place of residence), unless you marry. But again, marrying someone you are unhappy with is a bad idea.

Your family can choose to live however they wish. But how YOU choose to live is totally up to you.

I agree it seems easier when you have a family that is also in the church, but even with me that is not the case. I have a number of family members that live with people they are not married, smoke, drink and don't live the gospel. I still love them but I choose not to live like them.

Also if you go back to church you will find a church family that will be supportive. And then as you live by the gospel you will be setting a wonderful example, and who knows the people in your life see how you are happy and may want to live like you.

Don't wait for them to change. You do the changing because you are the only one that can make change and it must be about you.

I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers. Many blessing await you but you have to reach out to accept them.

Be the best you can be. There is a saying that I love "If you want to soar like an Eagle you need to get out of the pig sty."

[zuko725]

Okay, wow.. I seriously feel like I could have written this myself.. it's almost creepy lol

The one big difference between us is I was born and raised in the church (so I at least have family that are members of the church) But I understand 100% where you're coming from. I was inactive when I met and married my husband (yes we're already married lol) I started going back to church about a year ago and he showed interest in the beginning, but after a few months lost interest.

Like you, I'm also 22 and will be 23 in July. Like you, I also suffered from an ED (and am in the process of recovering still), like you, I am completely dependant on my husband. Without him I would have no where to live, no car, no money etc. He works full time while I go to school and I live 3 hours from my family.

I also understand what you're talking about when you say that you're spiritually unhappy. While I was inactive I felt so empty all the time. When I started going back to church I felt that old spiritual happiness again and it was wonderful.. I tried explaining this to my hubby but he was lost on it.

I understand your concerns and the pain you're going through, I went through it too and I still am.

As I mentioned before my husband took a big interest in the church but lost interest. After he lost interest he also started to poke fun at it a little. One time while we were out with his athiest best friend (who I couldn't stand and I still think had a part in my husband losing interest) he made a joke about how "mormons are really weird people". This really offended and he later apologized but every now and then he would crack a joke and it would be so hurtful towards me. Of course, sometimes my husband speaks highly of the church, it really depends on the mood he's in and who we're with. But bottom line, I understand.

I have become much more active in the church and just recently accepted a calling in the Young Women's. I almost feel like the more active I become in the church the more problems are caused between me and my husband. Here's a theory I have though: I think our men are afraid of losing us. I don't think they really have a problem with the church or with our activity in it.. I think they're afraid that as we become more active, we'll start to not want them anymore and instead will wish we were with return missionaries instead. I think they feel threatened.

As much as I hate to admit it, they are somewhat right. I love my husband dearly and we have a lot of the same problems as you and your fiance. In your post you mentioned something about how your fiance told you that he thinks you'll become unhappy with him if you come back to church... as much as it stinks... this is kind of true. I can't tell you how painful it is to get up and go to church by myself every morning and how much it hurts to see other couples sitting there together. Lessons on temple marriages are always hard to sit through.. it's almost impossible to be in a part member marriage and NOT feel upset about it. Also, his concerns for you changing are valid.. because you WILL change. You may not think you will right now.. but believe me, you will. I certainly did. Things that I was okay with before suddenly bothered me (like certain tv shows we watched.. they seemed harmless before but after being active in the church again.. I found a lot of it to be offensive) That was just one example, but your view and outlook on things will change... maybe not at first but it at some point it will.

However, with that said.. I love my husband dearly and I wouldn't want to be with anyone else. Yes, we have problems but I believe we will be able to somehow work through them.

Also, with your concerns regarding your return to the church, don't worry so much about it. The church will gladly accept you back. As with talking to the bishop and starting the repentance process, yes he may ask you to not take the sacrament... but this will be for your own benefit! It's not a "punishment" it's a way to help you move towards repentance. However, you may not be asked to not take it. I also lived with my husband before we were married and I did a lot of stuff I'd prefer not recalling and I wasn't asked to stop taking the sacrament. Of course, by then I had long forsaken my sins and was beyond remorseful and I think my bishop saw that. It's different for everyone.. but it's so worth it! It's definitely hard talking to the bishop that first time but it is so unbelievably worth it.

What you and your fiance need to do is sit down and have a serious talk about this. Whether you like it or not you'll have to address these issues sooner or later and it would be wise to do so before you tie the knot. In order for this to work, you two need to have a mutual respect for one another. He needs to accept you and your desire to return to church and you need to accept that he may never want to have anything to do with the church. If he refuses to talk to you or respect your decision to return to church then I think it would be wise to walk away and find someone who will. I know that's sooo much harder to do than it sounds (especially considering how dependant you are on him) but I believe it would be the smartest decision and better for you in the long run. Remember, the Lord wants you to come back to him and he will help you through this. You can never go wrong by being faithful. Remember, this life is only a spec of time compared to all eternity.

Good luck and I hope things work out in your favor!

[skalenfehl]

Build and strengthen your relationship with Jesus Christ through fasting and prayer and studying of the Book of Mormon. As you grow nearer to the Lord and stronger in your faith, your answers will be much clearer and your choices easier to make. You can never err on the Lord's side.

[SoCal_Counselor]

He is a a great guy and I could NEVER fathom leaving him, but I don't know what to do. The reason why I haven't gone back to Church sooner is because of him. Because he's not included in it and he told me he could never ever be Mormon. Last night we went out to a movie with a few friends (his sister, her boyfriend, and sister's friend), and he brought up how I was invited to a Mormon wedding which I didn't go to because he didn't think it was fair for me to go and leave him at home. And he sat there and made fun of the Church and Temples with them as if it was some massive joke to him. When we left I broke down and he apologized for being a jerk, but it's been bothering me really bad. I'm in this moping funk because of it.

To me, this sounds like you know what would be best for yourself. To me, it sounds like you have your answer.

If you were in my counseling office, I would encourage you to think about the red flags (already mentioned by previous posters). Think seriously about those things before getting married. Most issues do not get easier after getting married, and they often get harder.