Married people: How do you handle your finances with your spouse?

[mrmarklin]

Unfortunately due to my wife's total lack of discipline and money sense we have had to have a strict division of finances for the last 20+ years of our marraige.

Basically, I give her an allowance that goes into a separate checking account.

She pays no bills, except her own phone bill, which she is totally irresponsible about. It has gone unpaid in the past, and the phone has been cut off. I don't care anymore now that cell phones have been invented. She buys food and various household items out of the allowance.

Lest you think she is on a short leash let me further inform you that her allowance is $3,500 per month. I buy and maintain totally a 2009 (purchased new) BMW X3 vehicle so she can drive. It is not a stripped model. It has Bluetooth, satellite radio, leather seats etc. I buy all gas, pay for all repairs registration and insurance. I pay for all dinners when we eat out. We spend approx $1,200 per month on this as a family. BTW, we have no children at home. She has a cell phone (iPhone) that I totally pay for. I pay all the household bills such as cable TV, utilities, major repairs etc, of course including the mortgage. We also have a country property and I defray all expenses when we are in residence there. Also when on vacation together I pay for all expenses including airline tickets, Hotels, meals etc etc. We go to Europe at least once per year and will have another "event" style vacation such as a cruise somewhere else. For example this May we are going to Mexico for two weeks.

My wife recently visited her home country. I paid for the plane ticket (business class) because she didn't have enough money to do so. Plus gave her over and above her allowance $1,000 for spending money. She stayed for free at her sister's house!

She literally lives from "paycheck to paycheck" never saving anything.

As you can see finances have been a problem in the family, but I have had to isolate it so as to stay solvent. So far it is working.

Edited March 23, 2012 by mrmarklin

[mrmarklin]

I forgot to mention that I am the sole source of income in the household.

[Vort]

I forgot to mention that I am the sole source of income in the household.

If your wife's "allowance" is $3500 per MONTH, I'd say that your "sole source of income" must be well more than sufficient.

[Mahone]

Like most things about my husband and I, we are very OPPOSITE when it comes to money.

For example: When we got married, I had $45,000 worth of mall cards. That's right FORTY-FIVE THOUSAND DOLLARS. Spread out onto 9 mall cards. When I go to the store, I look at a TV and see it as "$12 a month" instead of $1,000.

My husband, on the other hand, did not own a single credit card. He's a cash-only guy... and that included his car.

I'm the same, and so is my wife. Neither of us own credit cards. I was bought up in the habit of thinking "if I haven't got the money in my account, I simply cannot buy it". Borrowing money, whether through a credit card or other method doesn't cross my mind. We got married in December, I'm still the sole source of income (my wife is a student), and we (thankfully) still aren't in any debt.

At the moment, we use my bank accounts as shared accounts, while my wifes account in the US is dormant (we avoid touching it as we'll need it later on). Once we get more settled, we'll start setting up a better financial system, and making the money less easier to access :)

[applepansy]

We've been married 35 years this year. We have tried it all. Depending on our circumstances at a particular time determined how we handed it. When we were first married we shared everything. When we had children I did most of the finances. My husband's style is to pay all the bills and do without until next pay day. That doesn't always work with children. I paid all the bills but I had a plan so that nothing was paid late but any unexpected expenses with the children could be handled. Then there was the time when we both had our own checking accounts. That helped a little to avoid overdrafts, but I still balanced both checking accounts. When I got sick, hubby did the bills. Again, paying all the bills first with the attitude that if anything came up it would just have to wait. He is finally realizing that doesn't work very well.

Now... we share ... sort of. I wish hubby would take a more active role in sitting down to balance the accounts and pay the bills. I even have the passwords written down for him. :)

[Guest]

I'm the same, and so is my wife. Neither of us own credit cards. I was bought up in the habit of thinking "if I haven't got the money in my account, I simply cannot buy it". Borrowing money, whether through a credit card or other method doesn't cross my mind. We got married in December, I'm still the sole source of income (my wife is a student), and we (thankfully) still aren't in any debt.

At the moment, we use my bank accounts as shared accounts, while my wifes account in the US is dormant (we avoid touching it as we'll need it later on). Once we get more settled, we'll start setting up a better financial system, and making the money less easier to access :)

Mahone, I gotta tell you... our first house that we bought together was in my name. I had terrible credit (high 500's) because I maxed out most of my cards and I pay my bills when I get to it (did I mention I'm REALLY bad with money? )... but even that was better than my husband that had NO credit. The only thing he had was an electric bill and apartment lease to prove that he is "credit worthy".

This was about 12 years ago. Dunno how it is now with this new economic environment and all the TARP laws.

Edited March 23, 2012 by anatess

[Blocky]

I like doing the finances, so it's up to me. I make sure my husband has enough money in his wallet to buy small stuff but he mostly uses our credit cards so I can track how much we're spending on what.

The other day I had to go to the hospital and afterwards my husband told me "I was just sitting there thinking that if anything ever happened to you... I have no idea how to pay the credit cards or the electricity or any of that stuff!" I think I need to make a list of all our accounts and where and when to pay them. I get E-statements.

Usually I just go through all the credit cards twice a month online making sure everything looks good.

I like saving all my money and dislike spending money. My husband likes buying new video games and getting food to go and electronics. It took a little while for us to learn how to work together. He liked it when I could make things happen financially that he thought would never be possible (paid of cars, always insured, not living paycheck to paycheck) and I liked that he showed me how to spend money at local stores so I was contributing to small business owners and not feeling guilty about spending money we could afford to have a little fun with. It's been a good match!

[Bini]

My husband is the sole breadwinner and what he makes is "ours". He also manages the majority of our finances and we both live within a budget. My husband is a very conservative spender and if we can't afford to pay for it with cash - we don't get it. Our only exceptions are our mortgage and one vehicle (out of 5) that we purchased at the beginning of this year. Everything else is paid off. On the other hand, I'm a crazy spender! If I didn't have a budget (my husband allots me an allowance basically) I'd shop til I dropped. Not blaming anyone but that's largely in part to how I was raised, coming from a financially well-off family, always getting what I need and usually getting what I want. So, there were a lot of adjustments that needed to be made when we got married. Now, almost four years later, we've sort of rubbed off on each other.. My husband isn't quite as cheap as he was before we met, and I'm a little more thrifty than I had been previously.

[John11111]

I earn it all she spends it all... lol jk we both share income. She always tells me about anything she wants to buy, I tell her she dont have to ask. I never buy anything for myself really so never a problem there hehe. She handles all the bills and stuff as well.

[Guest]

My husband is the sole breadwinner and what he makes is "ours".

In my opinion, it doesn't matter who made the money. The money is "ours" regardless of whether it comes from my husband's income, my income, his inheritance, my inheritance, his 401K, my 401K, etc. When I say "his money", all it means is that he gets to make the decision on what to spend that part of "our money" on.

[Mahone]

Mahone, I gotta tell you... our first house that we bought together was in my name. I had terrible credit (high 500's) because I maxed out most of my cards and I pay my bills when I get to it (did I mention I'm REALLY bad with money? )... but even that was better than my husband that had NO credit. The only thing he had was an electric bill and apartment lease to prove that he is "credit worthy".

This was about 12 years ago. Dunno how it is now with this new economic environment and all the TARP laws.

Oh I know, we're looking into the various credit cards simply for this reason. If it wasn't for this however, I would refuse to have them.

[MorningStar]

Unfortunately due to my wife's total lack of discipline and money sense we have had to have a strict division of finances for the last 20+ years of our marraige.

Basically, I give her an allowance that goes into a separate checking account.

She pays no bills, except her own phone bill, which she is totally irresponsible about. It has gone unpaid in the past, and the phone has been cut off. I don't care anymore now that cell phones have been invented. She buys food and various household items out of the allowance.

Lest you think she is on a short leash let me further inform you that her allowance is $3,500 per month. I buy and maintain totally a 2009 (purchased new) BMW X3 vehicle so she can drive. It is not a stripped model. It has Bluetooth, satellite radio, leather seats etc. I buy all gas, pay for all repairs registration and insurance. I pay for all dinners when we eat out. We spend approx $1,200 per month on this as a family. BTW, we have no children at home. She has a cell phone (iPhone) that I totally pay for. I pay all the household bills such as cable TV, utilities, major repairs etc, of course including the mortgage. We also have a country property and I defray all expenses when we are in residence there. Also when on vacation together I pay for all expenses including airline tickets, Hotels, meals etc etc. We go to Europe at least once per year and will have another "event" style vacation such as a cruise somewhere else. For example this May we are going to Mexico for two weeks.

My wife recently visited her home country. I paid for the plane ticket (business class) because she didn't have enough money to do so. Plus gave her over and above her allowance $1,000 for spending money. She stayed for free at her sister's house!

She literally lives from "paycheck to paycheck" never saving anything.

As you can see finances have been a problem in the family, but I have had to isolate it so as to stay solvent. So far it is working.

Can I borrow some money?

Budgeting is my strength in our marriage, so I pay the bills and we just got out of debt! I had my husband keep track of finances for a while and he was happy to hand it back over to me because he would accidentally reverse numbers in the checkbook and he's not much of a multitasker. I pay bills as soon as payday comes and we're even ahead on one of them.

If we want to make secret purchases for holidays, then we usually use cash unless it's at a store that carries a variety of stuff. The hardest thing is deciding what our food budget should be. I can never decide on a realistic amount. We're also putting money in savings now and we're really hoping to buy a house soon.

[lizzy16]

Thank you for all the responses.

I really do appreciate each of your comments. It's given me much to consider about my future finances.

[Dravin]

Thank you for all the responses.

I really do appreciate each of your comments. It's given me much to consider about my future finances.

Have you reached any particular conclusions about how you may want to handle things? Or any inclinations to handle it in a certain way? Obviously how you handle things when the time comes will be influenced by your spouse, but what were your thoughts (if any, it's easy to have not thought about it before) and have they changed any?

[Bini]

In my opinion, it doesn't matter who made the money. The money is "ours" regardless of whether it comes from my husband's income, my income, his inheritance, my inheritance, his 401K, my 401K, etc. When I say "his money", all it means is that he gets to make the decision on what to spend that part of "our money" on.

Unfortunately, not everyone shares our opinion. It's all about, what is mine - is MINE. It's a "me" mindset, versus an "us" mindset.

[lizzy16]

Have you reached any particular conclusions about how you may want to handle things? Or any inclinations to handle it in a certain way? Obviously how you handle things when the time comes will be influenced by your spouse, but what were your thoughts (if any, it's easy to have not thought about it before) and have they changed any?

I grew up with my parents having everything shared.

I would like to do the same. I don't see how two people can really be united and in love if they aren't willing to share finances. I was raised thinking "Sharing money=normal thing for married people." It wasn't until mid high school that I realized a lot of couples didn't share money.

If I'm going to live with someone eternally then I better feel comfortable sharing my money (and vice versa.) "Sure lets have a temple marriage. Together forever. By the way, lets keep everything separate. I'll cover these expenses, you cover those. The kids we'll split. And, we can have separate savings!" That doesn't seem at all right.

[mrmarklin]

I grew up with the common idea as well.

Several things may mitigate against this.

One: that many women work outside the home than used to do, and they are reluctant to give up their "independence" that they percieve is very hard earned. After all no one at the workplace questions this, so why should a husband?

Two: In my particular case I have a wife with absolutely no money sense whatsoever. When we had a joint checkbook she would pull checks out the back to spend on what she would deem necessary items, even though it would overdraw the account. Even though I give her what I consider to be a fairly generous allowance, she still manages to overdraw her account on a regular basis. On another occasion I pointed out the balance in the checkbook was near zero. She checked out the balance at the ATM a couple of days later. It showed a goodly balance, so she withdrew a couple of hundred $$. Needless to say we were OD'd soon thereafter. She doesn't understand the concept of "outstanding checks', and assumed I was lying to her about the finances.

Three: Sometimes there is unwise spending of one of the partners in marraige. I think guys are more guilty of this than the women in my personal experience.

And of course people go into marraige with differing ideas of priorities that can cause division as well.

I don't think that this is a topic that is much discussed among young couples. I didn't. I just assumed that my wife knew about money matters the same as I. We were both very young.

Edited March 25, 2012 by mrmarklin

[Tyler90AZ]

Me and my wife share money, if we need to tighten up, I just tell her. We are both financially smart, we don't waste money on what we deem stupid things. Usually we try to save up for vacations, verses buying high dollar items. She is not a big fan of having a budget so I don't implement one. However, in the end I am the one who handles the money and IRA.

[MorningStar]

I don't really see the point in having separate accounts unless one is for a business or something. If my husband had an account for "his" money and I had an account for "my" money, I would feel like we were basing our worth on what each of us makes instead of what we each do for our family. I have friends whose husbands feel like they aren't contributing to the family if they're not making money. If my husband were to give me an "allowance", I would feel like we had a parent child relationship rather than a partnership. We have joint savings and joint checking. One of my biggest pet peeves is when a friend says, "I can't do ______ until my husband gives me my allowance." I can understand, "That's not in our budget right now." but an allowance is something you give children.

[lizzy16]

I'm fine with the idea of allowance because its the same underlying idea as a budget. It's just a number limit (unless of course it goes overboard to the point of controlling.)

But, I don't think I'll ever need an 'allowance." And, if in my future marriage we have a budget I'll be involved in making it. I'm not stupid with money and I don't randomly spend. My parents always call and are like "Liz, do you need money?" really concerned like. It always suprises them that I've got a good amount in my bank account. My moms always suprised haha. I like the idea of being able to buy a plane ticket anywhere in the world and fly away at a moments notice if needed (Aliens...)....so I try to keep enough in my account for that. Which seems silly. But, yeah..

And, at this point i can't see myself marrying someone who isn't thrifty :) But, that could change.

[MorningStar]

I can see each person having a set limit, but I don't understand a wife waiting for her husband to give her her "allowance".

[mrmarklin]

I can see each person having a set limit, but I don't understand a wife waiting for her husband to give her her "allowance".

In my case it's either the allowance or divorce. I simply don't think I should have to deal with continual irresponsibility.

Don't worry: My wife has never missed a meal, gone naked or slept without a roof over her head since she married me.:)

[Bini]

I can see each person having a set limit, but I don't understand a wife waiting for her husband to give her her "allowance".

In my case, I've never had to wait for an allowance. There's a specific number (mutually agreed upon) that I can spend UP TO. So, perhaps, a budget is a better wording for it. That said, it is a sufficient amount that I'm able to do a girl's day or night out on the town shopping, dining out, catching a movie, etc. It has been a good long while since I've exceeded my allotted budget too. It's all about moderation, and of course, living within your means.

[Guest]

I can see each person having a set limit, but I don't understand a wife waiting for her husband to give her her "allowance".

MorningStar... in my opinion, you are not waiting for your husband to give you your allowance. You are waiting for your financial manager to give you your allowance.

Whoever handles the money becomes the family's financial manager. If you can afford a person to handle your finances like Mitt Romney can, then you're going to be waiting for a 3rd party financial manager to give you your allowance. Unfortunately, for us regular folks, you or your husband gets to wear the financial manager hat. So, if you decided that your husband is going to handle your finances, then you get to wait for your husband to give you your allowance just as your husband gets to wait on himself to give him his allowance (I know it sounds funny, but this is how it should be).

Now, of course, this is predicated on both of you having already set the process by which you receive an allowance... called The Family Budget.

And, of course, it is assumed that no financial abuse is being made by the chosen finance manager.

[Guest]

I don't really see the point in having separate accounts unless one is for a business or something. If my husband had an account for "his" money and I had an account for "my" money, I would feel like we were basing our worth on what each of us makes instead of what we each do for our family. I have friends whose husbands feel like they aren't contributing to the family if they're not making money. If my husband were to give me an "allowance", I would feel like we had a parent child relationship rather than a partnership. We have joint savings and joint checking. One of my biggest pet peeves is when a friend says, "I can't do ______ until my husband gives me my allowance." I can understand, "That's not in our budget right now." but an allowance is something you give children.

You need separate accounts if you are set up like we are - debit card users with one or both parties having a financial self-control problem or (the opposite) is a control-freak. In our case, I have a problem with financial self-control.

If we were functioning via cash allowance without any access to the checking account, then sure, one account will work for us. You have to put some form of separation between me and the family money. Do you know that we've been married 14 years and today... just today... I almost signed the dotted line on a new used-car (we haven't bought a new car in almost 9 years) while waiting for my car at the dealership service center... the salesman told me to take the car out for a drive and bring it back when I pick up my car from service! It was only 1PM and the service center will not have my car ready until 5PM! Anyway, I took the car, drove it to my husband's work to show him and he drove it straight back to the dealership. We already discussed last year that we are going to wait 2 more years before buying a new car - that is, trade the car in at 10 years old.

If you give me the debit card or even the checkbook to the family money... uhm. Yeah. Disaster. But yes, I do know how to access the family money. It's just harder because we don't have a debit card nor a checkbook for that account.

Anyway, if one of you is a control-freak too, then yes, separate accounts is also advisable because then, the spouse can have some insulation against the control-freakishness of the control-freak.

But, if you're both perfectly great financially and are super reliable and trustworthy, then all you really need is a hand-shake on what your budget is and that's that.

But no, allowance is not just for children. Allowance is money you give to someone for them to decide what to do with. Adults who don't have allowances are those who end up spending the mortgage on a plane ticket to Chicago. Of course, you decide how allowances are determined. Most people include their allowances in their family budget. So yes, when someone says, "I'm waiting for my husband to give me my allowance" in this case it means, "I'm waiting for my husband to work the budget for this month so I can get my allowance" (unless they made the control-freak the budget handler, then this may really mean one spouse is at the control-freak's mercy). Some people only determine allowances on an as-needed basis. In my opinion, this has a higher potential of ending up in an argument.

Edited March 28, 2012 by anatess