Best Tactics for Asking A GUY Out?

[JudoMinja]

Some of you may remember me posting about this guy who was really bugging me when I was initially trying to go through my divorce. Much of what he was doing was borderline stalker-ish but the circumstances surrounding everything were just plain messy. I was sending mixed signals do to rebounding emotions as I was trying to heal and move on, and my family was encouraging us to spend time together and inviting him over for family events since they liked him and liked spending time with him too.

Well, once I put my foot down and made it very clear I wanted nothing to do with him, he backed off, my family backed off and I haven't had any more problems. As I've been getting more involved in the singles activities, he's been very respectful of my wishes to keep his distance. And yesterday (while writing advice for people on here, go figure ), I felt impressed that my resolution that I'd never go out with him was too harsh. It's been bugging me all day today.

So, now that I am truly single and able to date, and I can think of many good qualities I observed in him while he was trying to vie for my attention, I'd like to find out if he's still interested in pursuing dating. I've been on a couple other dates with others so far, but nothing that seemed all that promising, and I know enough about this guy to know that we could hit it off. I know he's not going to ask me, because he's honoring my request to leave me alone, so I will need to be the one to ask him. My question is- and I'm especially looking for input from the guys here- what is the best way to go about that?

Do I just come out and ask him if he'd like to do something together? Like bowling, going to the gym, a double date to the movies, some temple baptisms, etc? Do you think he might see this as too forward/desperate, or that he would jump the gun into being overbearing all over again? I don't really want to do a "family" activity at all, as the mixture of him and my family is part of what caused the initial problems, so it will need to be something we can do- just the two of us- in public, or a double date with another couple.

[Guest]

One thing my husband loved about me was that I didn't dance around things. I was interested, so I showed it. I think the first date date I asked him on (after I stood him up for our first date. On Valentine's Day. Long story. . .) was making him dinner at my apartment. Just ask him! :)

[Just_A_Guy]

Yeah, a simple "hey! I'm not married any more, so if you want to catch lunch or something I'm OK with that" would probably do the trick.

I'd make sure I was certain before doing it, though. My own experience is that my first impressions tend to be right more often than not--it's when I start to question them (even weeks/months/years down the road) that I start getting myself into trouble. Your mileage may vary. :)

[Vort]

In my experience, I always got a fairly high success rate by saying "Shoot some hoops?"

[beefche]

In my experience, I always got a fairly high success rate by saying "Shoot some hoops?"

How many guys have you asked out?

[Vort]

Seriously, though, JaG's suggestion seems best.

You should do a bit of introspection and decide whether you're actually interested in this guy and want to see if something develops, or if you're just feeling bored and/or guilty for snubbing him. Was he actually stalker-ish, or was it just bad timing? The last thing you want is to re-open that door and then decide it was much better shut and locked.

I do think JaG's suggestion is best. If that's too terse, you might add something like, "If I seemed a little abrupt before, I was going through a bad period in the divorce and needed some space. I didn't mean anything personal by it."

Or you could park outside his house and take pictures of him when he comes and goes, and maybe send him some "anonymous" emails from your "secret" account [email protected]. Catch his eye at Church and give him a drawn-out wink with kissy lips. What guy could possibly resist?

[Vort]

How many guys have you asked out?

In college, this was my preferred method of asking guys out. JM did ask for male input, so I was just doing my part.

[JudoMinja]

You should do a bit of introspection and decide whether you're actually interested in this guy and want to see if something develops, or if you're just feeling bored and/or guilty for snubbing him. Was he actually stalker-ish, or was it just bad timing? The last thing you want is to re-open that door and then decide it was much better shut and locked.

I am doing quite a bit of introspection about it and am not yet sure if I'm going to follow through with asking. I certainly don't want to open a can of worms that took some effort to close the first time around.

At the time, I felt like he was practically stalking me, but with some hindsight I can see that much of it was him trying to be chivalrous/polite, slightly pushy/desperate, and my mother giving him far too much help and encouragment. Things like him coming out of the church building to see me to my car and help me buckle my son into his car-seat, trying to sit next to me or put his arm around my shoulder when I'd told him we could only be friends until after my divorce was done so I didn't want him being intimate, trying to take on the role of "daddy" by stepping in and carrying my son on his shoulders without checking if I was okay with it, and asking if he could be included on family outings he knew about but had not yet been invited to attend...

Really, it was all stuff that would have been perfectly fine and even sweet... IF I'd already been single. But I wasn't. And if I'd felt like it was too much or too fast I could have easily set some kind of limitations while still doing things together with him. The fact that he didn't seem to have the self-control to realize that he should have backed off without me having to basically tell him to get lost worried me a bit, but a part of me understands why it was hard for him. And the fact that he's being so good about not bothering me now means he's at least not a creep, lol.

I plan on thinking it through a bit more, praying about it, conversing with my mother about her thoughts and to make sure she doesn't try to push things like she did before, and of course getting input here before making a final decision whether or not to ask him.

Or you could park outside his house and take pictures of him when he comes and goes, and maybe send him some "anonymous" emails from your "secret" account [email protected]. Catch his eye at Church and give him a drawn-out wink with kissy lips. What guy could possibly resist?

Oh, my. Lol. Then I'd be the stalker.

[Bini]

JAG is spot on. Consider that :]

[Spartan117]

Firstly, congratulations with being truly single and moving on with your life. I'm not familiar with your personal history outside of this thread, so my advice is based only on your post here.

I know he's not going to ask me, because he's honoring my request to leave me alone, so I will need to be the one to ask him.

Righteo. From what you said it sounds like he's trying to be a gentleman and respect you and your wishes. If it were me, I would want to know very clearly that I wouldn't be overstepping my boundaries by showing interest or pursuing you again. Especially considering the history of mixed signals with you and your family that you mentioned. Tell him you are in a different place now and you know want. Be as clear as you can.

My question is- and I'm especially looking for input from the guys here- what is the best way to go about that? Do I just come out and ask him if he'd like to do something together?

YES. He's going to want to know exactly where he stands with you. You're changing the rules on him and being direct is the best approach. You'll avoid all kinds of unnecessary awkwardness. I know I'm beating a dead horse, but be clear and direct. Tell him how things are and what you want and see where it goes.

Like bowling, going to the gym, a double date to the movies, some temple baptisms, etc? Do you think he might see this as too forward/desperate, or that he would jump the gun into being overbearing all over again? I don't really want to do a "family" activity at all, as the mixture of him and my family is part of what caused the initial problems, so it will need to be something we can do- just the two of us- in public, or a double date with another couple.

I personally think a standard issue 'dinner and a movie' kind of date with another couple would be perfect. My wife and I have been the other couple for more than a few of our friends first dates. There's so much less stress with a double date. That's my 2 cents. Hope there's something in there that's helpful and whatever you decide to do works out.

[estradling75]

Well lets start with what you know...

The guy apparently doesn't do subtle (many don't).

But once you got through he did eventually respect your boundaries. Generally this would be a good sign but its a judgement call on your part it was good enough quick enough.

So if you choose to try again you need to be as unsubtle in inviting him back as you were in kicking him out.

All you would need is a few minutes to explain that your situation is better now, and your mind concerning him has changed. If he is still interested that should be all he needs to resume.

Of course you need to be sure that is what you want

[JudoMinja]

Thank you everyone for your thoughts and advice. After some thought and prayer last night, I've decided to follow through with asking him if he is still interested in dating. Since I will be watching most of the conference sessions online at my parents place and only going to church for the Sunday morning session, the likelihood of me seeing him in person this weekend is pretty low, so I'm going to give him a call.

I know he doesn't do subtle and just wanted to make sure that a sudden straight-forward change of the "rules" wouldn't be seen as too much from the male perspective- and you all have helped alleviate that worry. Thanks! :)

[estradling75]

So you are going for it... Ok more advice.

When you talk to him do not apologize, do however thank him for listening to you and giving you the space you need.

No apology because you didn't do anything wrong, but lets face it, it is hard not to take rejection personally and you did reject him. So thank him. Acknowledge that it wasn't pleasant on his end either.

I can't judge how he will respond, that depends on how badly he has been hurt, how much he has moved on, and the story he convinced himself of when you shut him down.

If he is not to far gone a thank you and a invite to try again should be enough. But it is also possible that he has shut the door with you and there is not much you can do about that, except maybe... give him time and space to think about it as well.

Anyways good luck

[JudoMinja]

Just thought I'd update this since it's been awhile now, and I'm sure some of you are curious how things went. :)

I went ahead and thanked him for his gentlemanly behavior in giving me space and time to heal and work things out, and let him know that I was open to the possibility of a date if he was still interested and offered some suggestions. He said he would like that and that he would get back to me with details and a day for something we could do, but has since not said anything about it. I've seen him at church and institute, and he seems much more relaxed around me now and willing to interact with my little guy between meetings when he sees him, but he hasn't made any attempt to take a conversation farther than chit-chat.

So, I'm fine with that. I don't feel awkward in passing anymore, and we can both be comfortable and friendly toward each other, and if he doesn't want to pursue anything that doesn't bother me in the least. I'm kind of wishing I hadn't discussed it with my mother though, because she now won't stop pestering me about him. Oh, well.