Has Separation Worked for Anyone?

[pianist87]

Hello everyone,

Without going into a very long story, my husband and I have been having problems off and on for the last 6 years. We've been unhappy more than we've been happy but my husband has always been willing to do whatever it takes to make things work because he believes we are soul mates. I, however am not so sure. While I do think we belong together, I'm so tired of being married and I'm thinking about asking for a separation.

I have some major reservations before I take this step though, and I was wondering if anyone out there has been through a separation? We cannot afford for either one of us to move out and we don't have any family or close friends who would be willing to have one of us stay with them for who knows how long. Plus I'm nervous this could open up a can of worms that will make everything worse. Any experiences from anyone would be greatly helpful.

Our first counseling session is next week, but I thought coming here would be beneficial.

Thanks everyone.

[Vort]

What is it about being married that you're tired of?

[NeuroTypical]

Got kids? My response to your situation sort of hinges on the answer.

[Just_A_Guy]

I'm sure there are exceptions to this general perception, but my observation has been that separation is usually nothing but a prelude to divorce and people who look at it as anything else ("just a little time away so I can take a break/get some space/find myself/think things over") are generally kidding themselves.

IMHO, if you don't like being around him, either find a way to start liking it (counseling's a great start, so kudos on that) or (if you aren't willing to put forth the effort or he's become positively unlikeable, and there are no kids involved) spare yourself and your family the drama and just make a clean break.

Edited April 1, 2012 by Just_A_Guy

[Wingnut]

I have one close family friend who separated from her husband after 35ish years of marriage. There had been some issues on his part the entire time they'd been married, and he had repeatedly not changed his behavior. They eventually reconciled, but they were separated for seven years before they did. Both their children were grown, married, and had kids of their own. The two still celebrated birthdays and holidays together with the grandchildren, and his apartment was in ward boundaries, so they still sat together at church even. Things were amiable; they did not, however, share a bed or a home during that time.

[JudoMinja]

In most cases, I think separation eventually leads to divorce. Unless you have a very good reason for divorcing, I wouldn't do this. The idea behind separation should be that there are some irreconcilable problems that require distance for safety/healing reasons. Should the one causing the problems make changes to make things better, you could get back together, but since this happens so rarely the most likely result is that you would end up divorced.

That all being said- My mother kicked my father out when I was just a baby because he'd hit me. She didn't divorce right away, giving him a chance to go to anger management and parenting classes. He did so, my mom let him back in the home and I never even knew about this until she told me as an adult. So separation CAN lead to change that will make a marriage better- but only if both parties want it badly enough and are willing to work at it.

[pianist87]

We don't have any kids

[skalenfehl]

...but my husband has always been willing to do whatever it takes to make things work because he believes we are soul mates. I, however am not so sure. While I do think we belong together, I'm so tired of being married and I'm thinking about asking for a separation.

Make it work. My wife and I had our bumpy road. I came to realize that I was being selfish. We are now going on 21 years of marriage. She is my soul mate. It's work. It's hard work. But you reap what you sow. What are you sowing?? Stop being selfish. Let the gospel in your life, let Christ in your heart and let healing begin.

With love.

[NeuroTypical]

We don't have any kids

Ok. I would suggest that you do not bring any into the world until you've completely resolved this issue.

If you stay and try to make it work, bringing kids into the mix is NOT a way of fixing things - it's a way of burdening innocent lives with your and your husband's problems.

If you separate, and probably eventually divorce, I would not have kids with any future spouse you pick until you've experienced 3-5 years of stable marriage with any future him. 2nd marriages fail more often than 1st marriages.

[Elegreen]

This was my reply for a previous case for someone else, but i thought you might get something out of it. The main thing is focus on your personal happiness. what can you do to make you yourself happy. If your not happy with your self, or like your personal life, then how can you be happy with someone. Focus on strengthing yourself (make you happy), then it might be easier to focus on happy in your marriage!

I have had issues in my marriage as well. Ever since we 1st started dating, I had anxieties about marrying him. WE've been married now for 4 years, and there are really good times and really hard times. My husband not at all perfect and has issues with pornography and addiction to spending money and lieing. I have always just thought throughout everything that divorce would be better as well, but then i pray and work on any aspect that heavenly father prompts me to work on. I have realized (and this is what i want to share with you) That i can NOT change my husband, but i can change my self. I have realized that if i can make my self happier than i can have a better happiness in my marraige. I have gone back to school and have focused on aspect that make me happy and help me grow and be positve in MY life. This has help me becuase it helps me not to focus on my marriage all the time, and it has also has been a good example to my husband. I show him that the gospel and other aspects of my life makes me happy, and it shines forth to him

as an example. Living more postive and more proactive to change me and my attidudes about life(focusing on MY happiness outside the marriage) has really helped. Im not going to lie though, It has still been tough, and issues still always arise, but i am able to be more postive and more spiritual to deal with the problems better. Also make sure you guys do NOT DO NOT have any children until your issues are resolved. We have a child, and it has not helped the situtaion at all, and it is also not fair to the child to bring him or her into the world when your relationship isn't where it needs to be. :) Also if god is promting you to go see the bishop, then you need to go see him. The great thing about the gospel is that we have a 3rd person in our marriage and it is our heavenly father. I rely on him more than my husband lately on what to do with our marriage. YOU can always count on this advice that heavenly father gives. YOu might love your husband, but neither you or HIM is perfect. GOd is really the only one that knows whats best for you two. Good thoughts like going to the bishop is defintaly not from satan, its a definate feeling that god is giving you. ITs just a matter of what you do with that feeling

[SoCal_Counselor]

Yes, counseling is a great start. Relationships are built on spending time together and communicating, that is the whole purpose of dating. It will be very difficult to work out your problems and communicate if you do not spend any time together (i.e. being separated). Good luck with counseling.

[Hie_to_Kolob]

So about a month ago, my wife and I were really starting to have a really difficult time not butting heads. She had just given birth to our twins about 6 weeks earlier. I knew something was up between us and I knew I was a big part of the problem. I had been getting closer and closer to admitting I had a porn problem(on and off since about a year into the marriage - everything was cleared up prior to our temple marriage regarding porn) and was mustering up the courage to actually do something about it. That night, she asked if I had a problem with porn for the first time since we were married over 7 years ago. I instantly said, yes, I do.

Later that night, she dropped a bomb on me that had me completely unsuspecting. She said that she was having a affair. It went up to, but did not include intercourse, and had been actively going on for well over 6 months. It's been more of an emotional affair and they had progressed to the point of divorcing their spouses and running off together. We have a 3 y/o and a infant twins. The OM has 3-4 kids elementary school age up to about 15 y/o. My wife confided to me that the OM(who I know) had committed adultery about 7 years ago and never confessed. Since then, he served as a branch president and high councilmen. Needless to say, he's been excommunicated at this point.

So it's been about month since all this was exposed. My wife and I are currently seeing a marriage counselor and have been visiting our bishop regularly. When I found out about all this I ran as far and wide as I possibly could from the situation. I put up filters, I gave her all my passwords. I never get on the computer in a secluded room, etc etc etc. But more importantly, I really feel like I was preparing for this change of heart in myself. I am currently seeking help with the addiction recovery class offered by LDS family services. I want this addiction out of my life so I can fully move forward spiritually. However, my wife is still struggling with her affair. She's promised me 4 times to end it and hasn't. The first visit to the marriage counselor, got a 2 month commitment from my wife to never communicate with him. That lasted a week(which was on Thursday) she talked to him for 30 minutes(I'm paranoid and checked the phone log). I called my Bishop and asked him how I should handle the situation. He told me to just let it be for now. So I did. The next day though I found out she had spent over 3 hours in the afternoon talking to him again. She sees the Bishop again tomorrow, and I know he knows she's made contact, and the marriage counselor on Monday. The day she 'ended' the affair which was a little over a week ago She told me that she had prayed if he she should divorce me and felt confirmation to do so. However, she's received counsel from friends who have had similar marital problems to take her time and get away from the stressful situation we're in known as finishing school, dealing with twin babies, recovering from birth and now this. This is the 2nd time she's done something like this. About 2-3 years ago, she kissed another man, but told me about it the very next day and sought out the Bishop and another marriage counselor at that time.

So here we are. My wife wants to separate from me and live with her folks for about 6 weeks and then make a decision on whether to divorce, wait more time or to come back together. This is just tearing me apart. She's agreed to live with me until graduation is over in mid-May and then start this process. We're at a truce with the kids in the mix. Since then, I've done everything I can to improve myself. I'm reading scriptures and praying fervently. Conference talks are a staple daily. I'm looking for any and all opportunities to serve her and others and I'm working feverishly to getting everything done and ready for graduation at school. Besides my porn addiction, I also have a problems with spending too much time on the internet in general. I know these problems need to be remedied and they have so far. I've yet to have a problem with p+m since that dreadful night and I plan to keep going strong(don't we all - but I'm doing everything in my power to put it behind me). However, something that has bothered me, is my wife has claimed that I have sexually and emotionally abused her in our marriage. I find that term she's labled to be an exaggeration of the truth. I know I have allowed my lust to taint the love I have more wife and I am trying to remedy my lustful heart more than anything, my problem with that term is the OM is the one who planted that term in her head and labled what I think more accurately describes the situation as unrighteous dominion(which I am guilty of, repenting of, and working towards eliminating that character flaw out of my life). She never felt she was in an 'abusive' relationship until he said that. She tells me that her decision to divorce has nothing to do with him, as he obviously has a rap sheet already, but she did say she hopes to date him one day down the road if he were to ever get a divorce of his own. So I don't really know what to do or how to handle the situation other than heed my Bishop's counsel. He's told me to lay off, give her space and work on what I can work on. This whole situation just breaks my heart, because I know the atonement can heal us and heal our marriage. We have 3 beautiful children and I want nothing more than to raise them in the gospel in a loving relationship with my wife. I know she wants to do what's right and wants to follow the spirit, but I've never seen her be so distant between what she wants to do vs. what she thinks she should do. The anxiety is killing me and I can't stand the thought of divorce. I've had little other major problems in our marriage aside from the typical guy/girl misunderstandings that befall every marriage.

What should I do? I don't want to lose my family over this. I just want to repent, then forgive and forget. My wife told me that she can forgive me and still not be married to me. I don't know what to make of that line. Am I out of place to believe that true repentance would entail the restitution of our marriage covenants to God and each other? I HATE divorce and I would much rather reconcile and repent of our wrongdoings than to subject our children and each other to torment of things such as joint custody. Whatever happened to loving and sustaining our spouses in their time of trials and allow each other opportunities to learn from our mistakes.

[Guest]

I don't think any major life decisions should be made so soon after having twins! Mine just turned one and life is starting to feel almost a little bit kind of manageable now. Sort of. My mind boggles at the idea of her even having time for an affair at this point in her life.

[mhsmd]

I know a woman who told me that as she was driving to conference one week, she was prompted to separate from her husband. They're back together now, and happily so. Pray about it! Definitely talk to your bishop, too. My husband and I went to counseling, and it really helped me decide to stay in the home while we were going to counseling.

[LDSVALLEY]

Separation - From my observation, 1 in 100 manage to get through a separation without divorce. I know of one couple who made it work after being separated for two years.

Help - Stephen R Covey. 7 habits of highly effective families.

[Julianna]

It completely depends on your situation. I strongly second (or third, or whatever) the advice to pray about it. During our bumpy road, my husband left for 6 months. We nearly divorced. The turning point was when I let go of my hurt and anger and forgave him and asked him to come back and work on our issues. Had we stayed separated while we tried to address everything we would not have 2 of our 4 kids and would definitely not be together. Ours was a unique situation though--we were not just dealing with normal marriage issues, but also with a myriad of other things like mental illness. What really struck me about your situation, though, is that you say he's willing to do whatever it takes to stay together, and that it's YOU who isn't sure he's your soul mate. Understand that there's a LOT of experience with pain, betrayal, and a roller coaster of good and bad times behind this when I say: Get over it! It has been my observation that women have what I call a "Cinderella complex." We grow up dreaming of who our handsome prince is, go through some frogs along the way, finally find the one we think is THE ONE, marry him, then get mad when our handsome prince turns out to be human. You cannot expect to have this magical, happily-ever-after soul mate type experience. That may, in fact happen, but it won't be after one dance and losing a shoe. It only comes after a lifetime of hard, careful work. You didn't mention any particular major faults you're finding with your husband, just that you're not "sure" he's your soul mate. The time for not being sure ended when you married him. From that point on, unless he's done something that is an absolute deal breaker, integrity demands that you put everything you have into making your marriage work, and that includes letting go of this fantasy that he has to be some sort of mythical soul mate. Your marriage is what you make of it. If you look for reasons to be happy with him and remind yourself all the reasons why you chose him above anyone else, you will find those reasons. If you want to be attracted to him and excited by him and intentionally fantasize about him and dwell on all the reasons he's amazing, you'll quickly find that he IS everything you want in a husband. Think back to all the crushes you had as a teenager, and maybe even when you started dating him. Those stupid boys (sorry guys) didn't do anything special to win your favor. Something about them caught your attention, whether it was their nice smile or the way your eyes locked when you said hello, or whatever it was, and suddenly everything they did seemed spectacular, even if it was just the way they leaned over to drink at the water fountain. Guess what? It was all you. In your mind, they were amazing, so it was a reality. If you allow yourself to believe he's spectacular, you will have no need to separate from him. By holding this back from him it is YOU who is robbing your relationship of its passion and spark, not his lack of being your soul mate. He's not perfect. I get that. But I'll bet my next paycheck that there's plenty he does for you that you're not giving him full credit for, and that if you'd start to flirt with him and treat him like he's special, you'd get a lot more out of your marriage.

[trubludru]

I will second Julianna's remarks. I feel like I ended up on the wrong side of the situation she described and actually ended up being to the one choosing to be divorced after my ex mentally checked out of the relationship and also physically moved for reasons such as, "I wasn't the same man she was engaged to," "she wasn't sure she loved me," "I was totally selfish." But at the same time she couldn't once provide an example of what I had done or was doing to be so selfish..etc.

I freely admitted that I was new to the husband thing and said I had plenty of room to learn more and was willing to work on specific things that were a problem. For my part I tried to do a lot of self evaluation but honestly failed to see much I had done that was remotely sufficient to warrant the the way she started treating me or provide cause for destroying the marriage. I tried my best to tell her and show her I loved her. I feel like before she moved out I was doing about 90% of the household chores - I was doing all the yard work, cooking, laundy etc. I would write her love notes, and bring her flowers. I would try to just give her a hug and tell her I loved her. I arranged couseling appointments and took off work iin the middle of the day to fit her schedule to make them while she would often cancel. I looked for books on marriage and relatiosnhips and read them and tried to get her to read them with me but she refused. And yes I all but begged her on my knees to forgive me for the mistakes I made and said I just wanted to try and make a happy life together.

But yes I was only human...there were times I got frustrated or upset or said somethings she didn't like. I think were some other issues from her life that played into things but ultimately she choose to focus on only the bad (which I still honestly feel were relatively small things overall), refused to forgive any mistakes on my part, withheld about 99% of any sort of affection or intimacy and was unwilling to put any effort in on her part to build the relationship. So my advice is don't focus on the bad there are only a few things worth destroying a marriage. Honestly ask yourself if you are doing what you can to make your relationship a good one or are you sitting back expecting your spouse to be perfect and make you happy. Seperation generally leads to less communication, less chances to show each other you love each other which leads to making it easier to just end things completely. One of the few things we know God told Adam and Eve is that they were to "cleave" to each other which is to remain faithful, to stick close to each other. Seperating generally has the opposite effect. But ultimately it is up to you to pray and study it out and come to an honest or truthful answer about what you should do. I feel like in the end, my answer and God's answer was it was best in the long run to get divorced. But I still struggle sometimes with the consequences of that decision, I don't believe in divorce I believe in being committed and working through things and forgiving each other, but it does take both of you to do that in the long term.

Edited May 23, 2012 by trubludru

[MoHeartbrokenGuy]

When we as members of the church say "I Do" and place that beautiful ring on the finger of our spouse, we are counseled by the leaders of the church to do any and all possible to make the marriage work.

I am in a seperation as of April 20, 2012, and from my experience, it is killing me inside..We seperated because of my wifes inability to tell the truth, and her lies the past 3 1/2 years of courtship and the past 10 months of marriage have been destructive.

I hope you can put the lord first, and you spouse second, and open your heart to what we are asked to do, and that is be a respectful and loving spouse for all of eternity.

Good Luck

[Misshalfway]

I don't think there are any easy answers to a question like this. I believe that it really depends on what is happening inside the marriage. And there is more than one kind of separation. Some file for a legal separation. Other's just live apart for a time or even do an in house separation.

I personally believe that some space can be healthy given the climate inside the marriage and the probability that things will get better. If there is unresolved addiction or infidelity, or criminal issues, separation could make sense. It can give a person a new sense of self, boundaries, and healing. I like this solution for someone who doesn't want divorce but is at last resort stage. Sometimes getting out IS the right thing to do. And one can feel ok about leaving. Like my friend whose husband was a sex offender.

But for the run of the mill disconnection issues, I like the idea of resolving issues through therapy and self help. I think if people can take responsibility for their respective roles in the disconnection and learn better ways to interact emotionally, that there is a lot of hope. Empathy, validation, and forgiveness are really healing concepts.

I really like Emotionally Focused Therapy and the writings of John Gottman and Susan Johnson. They have some great stuff to say about healing disconnection and creating really satisfying relationships, even after painful disruptions.

[kartvines]

In what I guess is my rare case it worked for me, due to my misbehavior, we separated for 18 months,[she never gave up on me or the marriage] and it was then I saw how really stupid I was to even considering giving up the only person who really loved me, [outside my mother] and we worked it out, it wasn't easy but we made it and ending up being together for the total of 34 years and it is only over now because she died last month of cancer.

Now after that being said, it take true change, and that is hard for most, and I believe without true change divorce is almost certain. If your partner and or yourself are not truly in love then do yourself both a favor and get out of it before a child is brought into this world that will tie your life together for life.

Personally I think that most now get married for the wrong reason and without commitment and then want out as soon as they hit a rocky patch. Love and true commitment means you are committed to work it out, and if you can a richer love will develop because of it. In my case it happened for me.

[richards]

Consider separation within your own home for awhile. Make rules that you won't say anything rude or demanding, sleep in separate places, don't demean or treat each other rudely. Date.