I RESENT my boyfriend for his porn addiction.


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The title made this pretty self explanatory. I'm 21 years old and my boyfriend is 23. We have been dating for over a year and we would like to get married in the temple someday. Earlier in our relationship he had let me know about his porn addiction. He didnt tell me much but that he was actively trying to get it out of his life and he has been taking the necessary action to do so. I felt like that was all i needed to know and i would be fine with that. Well i was until i saw what he had been looking at on his computer about a month ago. It was porn and since then i have been so mad at him for what he's been doing. I've talked to him about it and all he ever says is that's he's sorry and he's really trying and he has been making good progress. I believe that he's trying to get rid of it and that he hates it. But I HATE the way it makes me feel, I have never not felt good enough for him until now and it's tearing us apart. He tells me to have some faith in him and try to understand it but i don't know how too. I really don't want to leave him because of this but I am SO unhappy all the time. What should I do?

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I think that since he's just a boyfriend you should cut your losses before you're tied to this problem for the rest of your life. He hasn't been honest about it, or my answer might be different.

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I'd read Pres. Uchtdorf's talf from this conference...especially this part:

The Bottom Line

This topic of judging others could actually be taught in a two-word sermon. When it comes to hating, gossiping, ignoring, ridiculing, holding grudges, or wanting to cause harm, please apply the following:

Stop it!

It’s that simple. We simply have to stop judging others and replace judgmental thoughts and feelings with a heart full of love for God and His children. God is our Father. We are His children. We are all brothers and sisters. I don’t know exactly how to articulate this point of not judging others with sufficient eloquence, passion, and persuasion to make it stick. I can quote scripture, I can try to expound doctrine, and I will even quote a bumper sticker I recently saw. It was attached to the back of a car whose driver appeared to be a little rough around the edges, but the words on the sticker taught an insightful lesson. It read, “Don’t judge me because I sin differently than you.”

We must recognize that we are all imperfect—that we are beggars before God. Haven’t we all, at one time or another, meekly approached the mercy seat and pleaded for grace? Haven’t we wished with all the energy of our souls for mercy—to be forgiven for the mistakes we have made and the sins we have committed?

Because we all depend on the mercy of God, how can we deny to others any measure of the grace we so desperately desire for ourselves? My beloved brothers and sisters, should we not forgive as we wish to be forgiven?

In general, you should or should not be with him. I don't know, I'm no judge of relationships described over the computer...from what you've mentioned, i wouldn't recommend it. But you should work to forgive him either way of his weaknesses. Never easy, but it's needed. In my experience, resentment clouds our judgments and actions. To understand what we need most, we must first learn to forgive, let go of hurt, and plead for guidance from the Lord. When we do so, we'll have better spritual strength to understand what we must do in our lives by having better access to the small promptings of the spirit. If we dont let go of anger or resentment, it will block out many of the quiet impressions that we need for understanding.

With luv,

BD

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I guess I should include that I'm not the kind of person to pry about matters and i never felt comfortable asking him about how he was doing with any of that so i guess he felt since it was never mentioned he never had to bring it up. But lately i have been very open with how i feel and i ask him how he's doing frequently and from what i know he's been very honest with me despite the fact that it has been extremely embarrassing for him..

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I have a hard time determining from your posts if he's really been "dishonest" (maybe I'm missing something); but even if he's been perfectly honest--this is something that will always be a temptation for him; some degree of relapse is almost inevitable; and if you don't feel prepared to bear that burden with him with that then I agree with Eowyn--best to end it now.

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No they are not, though they are correllated. To clarify:

I'm no judge of relationships described over the computer...from what you've mentioned, i wouldn't recommend it

I could further clarify in stating, that forgiveness does not mean that Tanny should be with her boyfriend, but that it'll allow her to make a decision based on christ-like love rather than anger or fear. If it's based on love and concern, then the decision will be the correct one, best for both parties.

To further clarify that, it doesn't mean love and concern will equal staying with him. Sometimes that best form of love and concern is to allow them their space in order to heal. I'm just very leery of any form of anger, resentment, fear, etc....no matter how justified it is. I've watched justified anger/resentment all of my childhood and have harbored some myself for a long part of my adult life. I was justified but it was not good. It never is. It blocks our vision far more than just in that specific circumstance. And most detrimentally, it limits our understanding of God. The best days of my life were letting those go.

So let it go. Make the best decision after firm prayer with your Father. Trust Him first and foremost.

With luv,

BD

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Sadly it is. We fixed that problem, and now there's this problem. So maybe I already know the answer to what I'm asking I just want a different one.. But it just doesn't seem right to leave someone because of a problem that they are trying so hard to overcome.

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I have a hard time determining from your posts if he's really been "dishonest" (maybe I'm missing something); but even if he's been perfectly honest--this is something that will always be a temptation for him; some degree of relapse is almost inevitable; and if you don't feel prepared to bear that burden with him with that then I agree with Eowyn--best to end it now.

Sound, sound advice.

If you proceed with marriage, prepare to live with this addiction. But I strongly echo what Eowyn and JAG have said.. If this isn't something you can live with for the rest of your life - it's not fair to you or him - your resentment will continue and that just makes for an unhappy marriage.

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Sadly it is. We fixed that problem, and now there's this problem. So maybe I already know the answer to what I'm asking I just want a different one.. But it just doesn't seem right to leave someone because of a problem that they are trying so hard to overcome.

We all have problems. Selecting a spouse (potentially someone you want to spend eternity with) requires some degree of FILTERING out those non-compatible. We do this by having a set of criteria that we CAN and CANNOT live with. Sticking out a relationship solely because you feel guilty about leaving him to face his own demons alone - is not your problem - it is his to address and overcome. The question is, are you willing to hold his hand through his porn addiction? Are you willing to be there and stand as a pillar of support for him when he relapses? If not - it would be very unwise for you to proceed in getting married.

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I have a hard time determining from your posts if he's really been "dishonest" (maybe I'm missing something); but even if he's been perfectly honest--this is something that will always be a temptation for him; some degree of relapse is almost inevitable; and if you don't feel prepared to bear that burden with him with that then I agree with Eowyn--best to end it now.

I understand that. And it makes sense, but what if I want to be the person that's able to help him? I don't feel that it's fair to leave because of a problem.. Even if I feel it isn't something I can handle. Maybe I could try. So maybe I'm asking the wrong questions.HOW do I make this not affect me in a negative way?

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I understand that. And it makes sense, but what if I want to be the person that's able to help him? I don't feel that it's fair to leave because of a problem.. Even if I feel it isn't something I can handle. Maybe I could try. So maybe I'm asking the wrong questions.HOW do I make this not affect me in a negative way?

As noble as your intentions are - you cannot save him and you cannot fix him.

If you marry this man - there is no "trying" - there is only DOING. If you marry him, fully aware of his addiction, you're committed.

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It could get better or it could get worse. If he's having a hard time now, just wait until he has a family to support. Relapses often happen when the wife is pregnant, which is hard for a woman not to take as, "I'm not attractive to him right now." but he's most likely stressed. The fact that he's being honest about it before marriage is a good sign that he can overcome it, but what is he doing to recover? Does he attend any groups? Therapy?

You could also dump him and discover you're married years later to a guy who lied and lied and lied to cover up the addiction and almost go crazy. Research what it can do to a person and then pray about it. It can change their personality in very unpleasant ways over time.

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As noble as your intentions are - you cannot save him and you cannot fix him.

If you marry this man - there is no "trying" - there is only DOING. If you marry him, fully aware of his addiction, you're committed.

I agree with Bini on this one. You cannot fix him. He has to do that himself, along with the help of our Heavenly Father.

I do not understand why it's not "fair" to break up because of his porn addiction. He's a boyfriend, not a husband. This is part of dating.....finding out if you are compatible...and if your VALUES are compatible. Breaking up with someone because you don't share the "value" of watching pornography is a perfectly acceptable thing to do. It might be hard to believe because of the many threads here about this subject, but there are PLENTY of men for whom pornography is not an issue...it's not part of their lives. Why tie yourself to a boyfriend who has shown he has this problem and is apparently not trustworthy?

You don't have to be his girlfriend to supportive of his choice to seek help for this problem, if that's indeed what he does.

If you stay with this guy, are you willing to accept the possibility that you will be dealing for the rest of your life with the impact of his addiction on your marriage....including your children? Do you want a lifetime of wondering? Do you want your children to have a father who engages in pornography?

Things to think about.

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I understand that. And it makes sense, but what if I want to be the person that's able to help him? I don't feel that it's fair to leave because of a problem.. Even if I feel it isn't something I can handle. Maybe I could try. So maybe I'm asking the wrong questions.HOW do I make this not affect me in a negative way?

That is the purpose of dating. To see if the person is someone you can build a lifetime/eternity with. If the problems he is having is something you can't or don't wish to deal with, there isn't anything wrong with that. You have to find someone with whom you can build a family on. If he has issues that you can't/don't want to do that doesn't make you or him "bad". It just is.

Use this time of dating to get to know yourself and what you can/are willing to handle.

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I understand that. And it makes sense, but what if I want to be the person that's able to help him? I don't feel that it's fair to leave because of a problem.. Even if I feel it isn't something I can handle. Maybe I could try. So maybe I'm asking the wrong questions.HOW do I make this not affect me in a negative way?

On your end, pray. Study the scriptures. Meditate. Do whatever you need to do. The Atonement has made available all sorts of opportunities to coming to peace with things and letting them go.

I do know people in marriages where porn has been/is a problem and they're still happy, working through it all. A happy and fulfilling marriage is quite possible. I'm willing to give him the benefit of the doubt that he is actively working on this problem. This might be hard as you don't like to pry, but are you willing to sit down with him and demand to know the details of his process? That could give you a better idea of just what you're dealing with and if it is something with which you could continue to deal.

As for whether or not it's fair to leave because of a problem... that's a tricky question. I personally believe in committment. If you're committed to a person, you stick by him through thick and thin with very few exceptions. However, in your case you are still boyfriend/girlfriend. Yes, I get that can be a big deal, but it sounds as if you're making temple marriage your definition of commitment (good job). You are not temple-married to this man. You're not even any married to him. The commitment definition is different. You're still in the phase of analyzing a potential marriage partner. Unless you're positive this is the one you want, the "fair" in ending or remaining in the relationships is still in your hands.

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Can I take a moment to instruct?

Marriage is hard. It is work. You will love him, but there may be days you won't like him much. You cannot, I repeat, cannot expect that he is going to change once you are married, once the baby comes, once.... You marry a man "as is". And anything that annoys you now, will be magnified 10x after marriage.

You may be in love with this man. But that doesn't mean you have to choose to marry him. Be sure that whomever you choose to marry, that you are committed to him forever. His issues, his weaknesses, his strengths, everything about him you must be willing to live with as if he will never change. He will change, we all do, but YOU cannot change him. Only he can change himself.

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I understand that. And it makes sense, but what if I want to be the person that's able to help him? I don't feel that it's fair to leave because of a problem.. Even if I feel it isn't something I can handle. Maybe I could try. So maybe I'm asking the wrong questions.HOW do I make this not affect me in a negative way?

MorningStar makes a good point in that at least this guy's being relatively up-front about the issue with you; which may not be the case with the next guy you date. But leaving that aside:

1) You are not "the person that's able to help him". You just aren't. There's only one person who fits that description, and He lived and died two thousand years ago. As one who's been through the pornography issue: Don't get me wrong; any support, including from a romantic partner, is helpful; but ultimately healing is between the addict and the Lord. Anyone else (besides proper priesthood authority) is, frankly, extraneous and--if codependency enters the picture--counterproductive.

2) The decision to marry isn't about treating a potential fiance "fairly" or giving them what we think they've "earned". It's about finding the person with whom we have the best chance of establishing a successful long-term relationship. If he's got burdens you can't carry, that doesn't make you a bad person. Not fair for you to leave? It's not exactly fair for him to demand that you stay, either.

3) If you truly can't handle it, your relationship will end sooner or later. The only thing you have to decide, is the circumstances under which it will end--as a relatively civil parting of the ways between boyfriend and girlfriend now, or as a divorce with kids five or ten or fifteen years down the road.

I would respectfully suggest that you get a copy of, and read, Confronting Pornography. Also take a look at Wikipedia's article on codependency, since that becomes a common issue in relationships where the male suffers from porn addiction. And if you have the time, look at Dr. Laura's Ten Stupid Things Women Do To Mess Up Their Lives--especially the chapter entitled "Stupid Devotion".

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I understand that. And it makes sense, but what if I want to be the person that's able to help him? I don't feel that it's fair to leave because of a problem.. Even if I feel it isn't something I can handle. Maybe I could try. So maybe I'm asking the wrong questions.HOW do I make this not affect me in a negative way?

We cannot fix him. He's not here asking the question.

We cannot "fix" you. But perhaps you can learn something about this.

A Better Mormon | Become Part of the Solution of Pornography Addiction

This link has multiple FREE recordings that may help you to learn more about the male LDS brain and how it has been conditioned. You can learn how to help by understanding, not out of ignorance to the situation.

Of course, you are free to leave him. But if you're caught in a "cross-roads", this recording may help you.

Just another thought for you.

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Sadly it is. We fixed that problem, and now there's this problem. So maybe I already know the answer to what I'm asking I just want a different one.. But it just doesn't seem right to leave someone because of a problem that they are trying so hard to overcome.

I get the whole "wanting a different answer" thing and have been there many times myself. And as a simple matter, you can have whatever answer you want, you can ignore the problem and plow ahead into marriage because it is in some ways easier but read through some of the posts and threads of people who have been in your situation and married or married without knowing and discovered that type of problem later. Often ignoring a problem upfront and ends up becoming greater and longer lasting heartache later.

I'm not here to say do or don't marry him but from a guy's perspective (for what it's worth) if he recognizes it as a problem then he isn't really being fair in dating someone until he gets it worked out. Nothing says that if you were to stop dating until he got it figured out you would never be able to date again.

The thing about porn and porn addiction is that I chalk it up as one of two things: one, it isn't a true addiction (and for some people it is not) in which case it is more of a lack of commitment to gospel principles, OR it is a true addition (and for some people it is) and that is a situation in which stopping for a few weeks or a couple months isn't going to address the issue and there is some serious work that needs to happen for an extended period of time to develop the skills and abilities to deal with the addiction and not only stop but avoid relapse.

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Hi Tanny,

A couple thoughts from my own experience and I've stuggled with this since I was 12.

I hope you and he both understand that sex won't resolve this issue. It may improve things for a short time, but the temptation will return. This sin becomes a vicious cycle for those who struggle with it. When they give in to temptation they feel bad, get depressed and then engage again in this sin as a way of self comforting and the cycle continues. Add a spouse into the mix that suffers as a result and you've increased the guilt and depression sometimes making it even harder to resist the need to self comfort. I'm assuming that you are not engaging in sex. Once you get married and start having sex and he falls of the wagon it's going to make you feel even worse then you do now. You might even become repulsed from having sex because the thought of him fantasizing about someone else could cause you to not feel attractive and may cause feelings of anger and distrust.

There are other associated problems as well. Unless he is very self aware, he may not recognize that sometimes the guilt and frustration with this sin causes him to have less patience and understanding. He might treat you coldly when he relapses because he doesn't feel clean or worthy to be close to you. It also might cause him to act irritable with your kids. He may not feel worthy to fulfill his callings and could affect his activity in church.

My advice for you is to move on. I'm sure you've prayed about this and your still wondering what to do. Please consider that the doubt in your mind may very well be an answer. You just might not like it. As many have stated you can't help him, and you could be making it worse.

Where I'm at now.

I have never given up and feel like I'm finally getting the upper hand now (30 years later), My former Bishop told me the temptation would lessen with age as long as I kept up the battle and didn't give in. I served an honorable and successfull mission, I've suffered thru a divorce but the children are with me (Im certain this sin is partly to blame). I'm active in the church, I'm a good and loving father. I think I'm a good husband (ask my wife hah!). I will remain vigilant because I've seen it will never be safe to drop my defenses. I've known people who have struggled with this issue into their 70's and 80's. One was a temple worker who served several missions the other was a former Stake Patriarch. It's my greatest fear to be a grandfather and still have this struggle. I want to be free of this and I can finally see the light at the end of the tunnel after a very long struggle.

I hope this helps and I wish you the best.

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I agree with those who say to break it off if you can't handle someone with a porn problem. But there is another issue that seems reasonable to bring up:

Pornography is designed to entice men.

Here is another, longer and more explicit way of saying the same thing:

If you are a neurologically healthy heterosexual male, female pornography will appeal to you on a carnal level.

Many women are disgusted by pornography. This is reasonable; pornography is typically not designed to appeal to women, so while some may be enticed by it, others will not. And the nature of most pornography is such that, if you are not carnally enticed by it, it's pretty disgusting. But what many women fail to understand is that men aren't women.

Dave Barry, the humor columnist, once noted that women's magazines seemed always to have articles entitled something like "Seventeen Ways To Drive Him Wild In Bed!" or "Six Sure-Fire Seduction Techniques!" Barry's response was something like: "Do you want to seduce your man and drive him wild with passion? Take off your clothes and get into bed with him."

I mean, it just is not that difficult.

Moreover, most boys are exposed to pornography at a young age. I will bet that the majority of boys are exposed to explicit pornography before the age of eight, and I would be surprised if 5% made it to the age of 12 or 13 without being exposed. And lest you think differently, even a non-sexually mature boy is going to be pruriently attracted to pictures of nekkid wimmin. It is quite literally in the DNA.

So, considering the realities of the male psyche along with the ugly facts of children's pornography exposure in our society, the question really is not whether the boy or man has ever struggled with temptations regarding pornography. The question really is: Has the boy or man triumphed over the attractions of pornography? If not yet, is he engaged in the struggle? Is he fighting manfully? Has he given up? In the best case, at least among LDS men, those struggles were fought and resolved before he ever served his mission. But if not by 19, hopefully by 25. If not by 25, hopefully by 30. And so on.

I suspect that those women who insist on marrying only a man who has never fought against a natural attraction to pornography will, for the most part, remain unmarried, and those few who marry will probably not be reproducing.

Feel free to disagree. I can speak only based on my own viewpoint and experiences. But I'm quite sure I'm right.

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