I RESENT my boyfriend for his porn addiction.


Recommended Posts

I suspect that those women who insist on marrying only a man who has never fought against a natural attraction to pornography will, for the most part, remain unmarried, and those few who marry will probably not be reproducing.

I would agree with this, but once it's rooted in, it's best to waite till it's completely under control before pursing marriage. Marriage is hard enough.

It may be possible for two people to work thru this in a healthy manor, but I don't think most couples are equiped with the level of understanding it takes to deal with this properly.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

As for whether or not it's fair to leave because of a problem... that's a tricky question. I personally believe in committment. If you're committed to a person, you stick by him through thick and thin with very few exceptions. However, in your case you are still boyfriend/girlfriend. Yes, I get that can be a big deal, but it sounds as if you're making temple marriage your definition of commitment (good job). You are not temple-married to this man. You're not even any married to him. The commitment definition is different. You're still in the phase of analyzing a potential marriage partner. Unless you're positive this is the one you want, the "fair" in ending or remaining in the relationships is still in your hands.

Bingo.

While you two are still in the dating phase (not married, not even engaged) the devoted commitment of a marriage does not apply, at least not as concretely. Now if you were his wife and he had this problem and was willing to work at it, yes, by all means, stay married to him and give him all the love and support he needs and then some. Right now that's also a fine thing to give him... but only if you're sure about marrying him. It's no good to stay in a miserable dating relationship just because you don't think it would be fair to leave him. It's not fair to you to stay in a miserable relationship.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I would agree with this, but once it's rooted in, it's best to waite till it's completely under control before pursing marriage. Marriage is hard enough.

I don't think Vort is arguing that one not wait for it to be under control before choosing to marry. If I'm reading him right he's arguing that insisting your future spouse has never been attracted to pornography may be an unrealistic requirement.

Edited by Dravin
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Because I can, here is my .02

1) The best way to know if an addict has truly gotten over their addiction is 10 years of sobriety. That doesn't mean it doesn't bother them, but it does mean that they have learned how to productively deal with it. 10 years, that's pretty much what I've been told by various therapists is the time frame one can know if an addiction has been overcome. And no, I don't have a source, just what I've been told.

2) I've known a few folk who have married people who have pornography addictions. My observation: Marriage does not change a darn thing! If anything, the stress of having to deal with a relationship in a healthy way may make it worse. If you plan on becoming serious with a porn addict, at lease know that it will be a battle for a long time to come. Be ready to have to develop the intestinal fortitude to be able to deal with the disappointments if and when a slip occurs. It can be done, and it can work. But it's a mountain to climb.

3) If you decide to get married to a porn addict, know and understand that this is the addicts fight, not yours. Your job is to be the cheerleader and enforcer of your boundaries. To feel responsible to fix the person, or even to feel you are both working on the others sobriety together is called codependency. And that is just as addictive and destructive and the original addiction is.

4) Know when you are being manipulated. And when you are, put your foot down. Pornography and sex addicts are especially good at manipulative behavior. If you think about it, they have the whole world manipulated that they have no issues while they have this secret life they are living. Again, boundaries. You are the enforcer of your own.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

OP, there's some great advice stacking up in this thread. I hope you're able to absorb it all :]

I especially appreciate the perspective given by those that did or do struggle with pornography addiction - thank you for sharing. Anyway, I just wanted to chime in from the perspective of having been a wife to a man with pornography addiction and sex addiction. In my previous marriage, I was not aware of my then-husband's deep rooted participation in pornography and sex affairs with other women. I did not have any idea until about 6 months after we tied the knot. It was the most painful realisation I had ever come to. The man I thought I knew well enough to marry, had some very dark and disturbing secrets. Fortunately, in your case OP, your boyfriend is open about his addiction and seemingly wants to change. While that is only part of the battle - it is a positive. I still want to emphasize that those who struggle with addiction are fantastic at manipulation, as I said earlier, I lived with those addictions and manipulation for years. It is PAINFUL - regardless if you know ahead (like you do) or you don't (like I did) - it hurts and hurts and hurts. Having been there and done that, I would never recommend ANYONE walk into a relationship with a partner who is an addict of pornography or sex addiction. Just as I would never recommend anyone get involved with someone that has a short fuse and takes their frustrations out physically on others - why submit yourself to this abuse? There are many fish in the sea :] There are men and women out there that are not without flaw (none of us are) but are NOT pornography or sex addicts. Relationships and marriages have enough day-to-day problems that plague them, do you want to take on a burden that most would consider a "deal-breaker" from the get-go? I stuck it out with my ex-husband for about 5 years because every once in awhile we'd have a eureka break-through (for a year we endured regular visits with our bishop and did the whole counseling shebang) and then we'd have a major relapse (and they'd happen in clusters), which included visiting explicit sites and meeting random women online for sex. It was too much for me, personally, to bare. I wanted to have children but I knew that the way things currently were, it would be cruel to subject a child to such an unstable atmosphere, and I couldn't spend the rest of my life holding his hand and waiting for him to just STOP. I eventually swallowed my pride, as I was so ashamed and embarrassed to walkaway from yet another failed relationship (before him, I was with a physically abusive boyfriend that required an intervention from family and friends to get me out). So really consider the kind of life you want for yourself. The kind of life you'd like for your children. No, you can't filter out everything (and as I stated earlier, we ALL have our flaws) but there are some bullets worth dodging in the long run. You are not here to save this man - you do not have the power to fix this man. If you cannot envision yourself being his "cheerleader" (as Slam put it) through the ups and likely many inevitable downs, which may just be viewing porn or may escalate and extend to sexual affairs outside of your marriage - you have NO business marrying this man. Because once you do (being aware of his addiction), you are committing to stand by his side through hell and high waters.

I think that's all that I have to add to this. OP, pray to the Lord for guidance and listen to your heart. Usually, if you have a gut feeling, that's the feeling you should go with :]

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Sadly it is. We fixed that problem, and now there's this problem. So maybe I already know the answer to what I'm asking I just want a different one.. But it just doesn't seem right to leave someone because of a problem that they are trying so hard to overcome.

It's every bit right to leave someone you are not married to because of problems. That's the whole purpose of dating: To sift the wheat from the chaff.

You are not committed to this guy, and thank heaven you can walk away. he sounds like disaster.:eek:

You don't need more problems in your life than you already have on your own!

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Please move on. None of us travel that road voluntarily and I might just say that a majority, if not all, of us would have run for the hills if we knew what we were up against. He got himself into the addiction and it's his job to get himself out of it. Don't voluntarily put yourself through something that will realistically bring you much sorrow and heartache. Might just be speaking from my own experience, but please, please, please save yourself and your future children by moving on.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

The only thing that concerns me is if he is being dishonest. This is something that needs worked out and he needs support otherwise it will keep happening, he needs to know he can come to you about it if hes done something wrong or needs strength. If he cant do this then it will be really hard to overcome this.

You need to talk to him and try to sort something out, he needs to know you wont freak out if he comes to you for help though.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.
Note: Your post will require moderator approval before it will be visible.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Paste as plain text instead

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.

Loading...
 Share