Married, thinking about leaving


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I'm familiar with Asperger's. I had a therapist suggest that I may have it, but research and time revealed that I am just chronically shy, and that shyness led to very little practice with social interaction throughout my life. I've thought that my husband may have it to some degree, but he'd have to hear it from an objective professional.

When I'm back in school, I do plan on seeing a counselor on my own. I may talk to the bishop about doing that sooner, as I've been very seriously contemplating moving out. The past month has confirmed to me that I love my husband very much, but that he has not been growing or progressing as a person and he may need a kick in the butt.

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Yeah, he has been diagnosed with ADHD. Part of the problem is that he does nothing about it. He won't go to counseling, won't even consider medication. He got a new job, which is less stressful for him. so things have been a bit better at home.

It is very sad that he won't consider meds. If he were near-sighted, would he refuse corrective lenses?
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  • 2 weeks later...

Well, part of the reason he's scared of meds is because he has seen me deal with the withdrawal from forgetting mine for a day or two. Also, when he took them as a kid he lost about 20 lbs. He's already suuuuuper skinny (once described as a prisoner of war) at 6' 2" and 145 lbs.

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1) Women marry men expecting that they'll change. Then they're surprised when they don't.

2) Men marry women expecting that they won't change, then they're surprised when they do.

Your husband is the same guy he was 8 months ago and this bothers you.

I told the brethren this was the most correct of any post on earth.

This may sound kind of negative, but, if you are living off your parents both of you need to avoid babies like the plague. And (since I am the judge of all things :rolleyes:) I think there is lack of maturity on both sides. It's immature to knowingly marry an immature person then act all surprised about it.

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I married him after he changed and began acting more mature. I wasn't expecting him to be perfect, but I was happy with what he had become. He went back to being incredibly immature not long after being married. I expected him to at least retain the progress he had made. My mother raised me with a healthy dose of skepticism, especially concerning men's motives.

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I don't think breaking his PS3 would help at all. It would only make him angry, and would start a pattern of escalation that could lead to separation or divorce. We have talked to the bishop, and that has helped. What helped the most was getting him a less stressful job, though.

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Ironically, I've posted quite a few replies to other threads telling others to stick it out and work through it. But my main reason for joining this forum was to get advice from LDS church members about my marriage, especially what to do about it. (I know I'm not perfect, and that I have a temper. I have hit him with my wimpy lack of upper body strength, because he tends to ignore me when I bring up any issues in our relationship. And maybe we just don't work together in a marriage.)

I dated my husband for about a year before marrying him. I knew that he was spoiled and irresponsible, but darn it if he didn't love me unconditionally and treat me like absolute gold! This was such a change from my previous (and only other) boyfriend, who had treated my like dirt enough for me to feel comfortable calling him an emotional abuser. I feel for my husband because he was so completely different from what I had experienced from my ex (and my father). I though that men just weren't like that. I did break off our first engagement because I felt he wasn't mature enough to handle supporting a family. We got back together, and I decided to marry him after one prayer. I knew I loved him, but had such reservations about marrying a man who hadn't gone on a mission and who was just plain irresponsible. To make a long story short, I got the answer to my prayer two days later when I got an email telling me that my deposit on single student housing was being refunded because the house was being remodeled; and this was about a month before the semester started. I still had reservations, but I trusted that the Lord knew what he was doing. My hesitance was not bolstered when I told my friends. One was actually excited when I told them. Most of them had been trying to get me to go out to school and find someone else.

Fast forward seven months.

We're married, and I've survived two semester of school while married. My grades have been in the tank. I told him that school would be my full time job, and that he would need to support the family financially since he wasn't admitted as a student yet. He has been working. I think he has maxed out at about 16 hours a week. Right now he could be working 35 hours a week, but chooses not to because it's "too stressful". He wakes up, goes straight to the living room, and turns on the PS3. He comes home from work and turns on the PS3. I try to get him to help around the house, to call people for errands or to apply for food stamps, . . . he just tells me that he works and I don't. Even when I was in school, he only cared that I didn't have a job. When I did get a job, he only cared that he still made more money (by about $20). I found us another apartment that was cheaper, and he complains that it doesn't have a dishwasher so he won't do the dishes. I am looking for a job. We're borrowing money from my parents every few months just to cover rent and utilities, even now that our rent is $200 lower. I do all the budgeting, and he is always asking to spend (or not asking to and just spending) money on his games. Our expenses can't get any lower. I feel like he needs to grow up and take responsibility for this family. He seems to only care about his half.

I am tempted to move out as soon as I secure an income of my own. I have even been tempted to ask my parents for a plane ticket home so that I can go back to my summer job there. I am really quite sick of his selfishness. It doesn't help that I recently went off Effexor (for depression and anxiety); I am wondering of the Effexor just made me patient enough to deal with all his crap. I am literally screaming at him two or three times a week. I just feel exhausted, like I am done hauling him out of bed for church, done telling him to stop playing video games on Sundays, done telling him to work more hours to support us, done defending the amount of work I do around the house while he's sitting on his butt. He claimes to be sick about three days every week, which usually leads to skipping church and missing at least one day of work each week (mind you, working every day means he's only working about 16 hours a week right now).

I don't know that I want to divorce him. If he could just grow up and stop expecting me to be his mom, then I would love him again. As it is, I have no interest in having children with him. I do not want my children to grow up and be like him; not to mention that I don't want to have to take care of a child in addition to taking care of him! We've been to counseling (where I felt bad, b/c the counselor was always telling my husband that he needed to shape up), and the only time my husband actually shapes up is after I tell him that I am going to leave. Then he shapes up for a couple week, just long enough for me to change my mind.

Sorry about the novel. I just don't know what to do. I don't feel like I can go to my friends or family about this because I spent so long defending my choice to marry him, and if I decide to stay with him then I don't want them to see my marriage that way. We're meeting with our new bishop tonight about his past addiction and our current goal to be sealed in the temple is August (which I am secretly not so sure I want to do), and I might bring up this problem with him. I am just so afraid that my husband will change long enough to change my mind. I don't want that sort of cycle to continue for the rest of my life. I love him, on some level I know I do, I just don't think that I want to spend the rest of my life with a man that is acting to selfish and lazy. I don't think he can change (my father never did) and I won't be sealed to or have children with who he is now. Does anyone have some sort of experience that can help me here? I feel so alone in this decision, but I also know that I can't be objective.

My husband also refused to work for many years and played tons and tons and tons of video games during his free time. If I talked to him about getting a job, he would get defensive and end the conversation abruptly. I was soooooooooooo unhappy for many years. I was so unhappy for many, many, many years. Then I had an affair. Husband found out. He now works and plays very little video games (since he found out). But I never thought I would have an affair. I don't even know why I had one. I don't know if it was because of my unhappiness. But I realize whatever reason I am in this situation, I am not excused for behaving the way I have behaved. I'm just telling you this to let you know some of the Possible outcomes for such a miserable situation.

Pray lots to figure out what you should do. This is my recommendation to you.

Prayers sent up for you. I feel for your situation. It is so hard. Hang in there.

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I'm a video game fanatic, but when my wife comes home from work, I turn it off right away. Then we try to find activities that we like in common (tennis, watching tv shows we both like)....what's kind of interesting is she comes from a country where there are lots of maids who do the housework, so I end up doing a lot of it. Even when I'm engaged in cleaning, she wants more time with me (and complains which at first I thought at least it was a good thing I was doing, haha). So I learned that I need to spend more time with her even when I think my activity is "worthy".....

Advice: Find activities you both like doing. But on a side note, you should let him pursue a hobby and suggest a time frame. There's always going to be something that both parties don't share in interest....

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This is definitely a difficult situation, and I see two positives (if they can really been seen this way) that you are not sealed and that their are no children.

Although, I understand others have mentioned giving a specific time period, and then decide. I have rarely heard or seen an ultimatum regarding a length of time actually be beneficial.

I understand, for some men, this is all it takes, however for probably a greater number, I believe most people will change during that time period and then once it is over, or they have received their reward, back to their old self again and the cycle continues.

I agree with others who have mentioned sitting down with your husband and having a detailed discussion about goals and objectives.

I must say, I have a hard time having compassion towards your husband. Kristi and I have been married for 12 years. In our first six months of marriage we both worked part-time. As a suggestion, if there are no children, then you have a responsibility to work also, if that is what is needed to make bills, even if that means working full-time while going to school.

After six months, Kristi was pregnant, and as a result, I begin working full-time. We put the money she earned from her part time job into savings, while we practiced living on my income (which wasn't much). By the time our first child was born, we both were full-time students. She quit her job, and in order to pay the bills because we couldn't live on one income, I worked a part-time graveyard on top of my full-time work, while going to school full-time. Yes, my grades suffered, yet I was still able to pull off an overall GPA of 2.9, which was fine with me having to work on average around 55 hours weekly to support our little family at the time.

I think So_Cal provided some good advice in visiting with a neutral therapist, and others pertaining to counsel with your husband. Myself personally, would have a time by which he would need to change, unknown to him. I would be patient, explaining to him and encouraging him. If by the time there was no change, then it would be a difficult decision.

Either way, I wish you the best.

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