Needing Strength and Support


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It's been a while since I've posted, but I have good memories of my time here. What I remember best is how knowledgeable and supportive the regulars are. That's why I'm here today. I could use some of both.

Bit of background: I was sexually abused as a child, which led to a sexual addiction when I got older. About four years ago, I got therapy. It helped a lot, as did my time on these forums. I learned to separate healthy relationships and desires from unhealthy ones.

My husband was also sexually abused. He went the other direction. He completely closed off (we've since learned it's called sexual anorexia). It's gotten progressively worse over the years, until he can barely stomach any sexual contact. He is afraid to get help; his way of dealing with stress is to ignore the problem.

I've really been struggling lately with severe longings for sexual intimacy. We've talked about it several times, and he's very apologetic, but he just...can't do it. He knows he should get help, but he can't make himself and I can't (and shouldn't) force him to.

Enter the problem: I shared my issues with a close friend who has a similar problem, and he asked me to sleep with him. I told him no. He wouldn't let it go though. I cut off communication with him, but before I did, he told me I could go to him anytime. I know he's there and willing, and the temptation has been nearly overwhelming the past month.

I'm not looking to justify giving in. I won't. I refuse to give into Satan. I'm not looking for advice like "divorce your husband." It's not his fault. I love him and covenanted to be his wife for eternity, no matter how hard it got. I've spoken to the bishop, but he didn't know what to tell me. He said he'd pray about it. That was three weeks ago.

In answer to my prayers for help and strength, I was prompted to seek outside myself. So here I am :) What I need is loving support and advice on how to stay strong. Thank you!!!

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First go find a good LDS counselor/ psychiatrist, psychologist who deals with sexual issues people have in this life. Yes they exist just might be hard to find, not close to you and will cost money.

Second after you get yourself settled down ask for the counselor to work with you and your husband if he is willing to work on it as a couple issue not his issue.

Third pray that both of you will see the right direction for the two of you to go in this matter.

Fourth I would not use LDS social services myself as they really can't handle every issue in life nor should they.

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He knows he should get help, but he can't make himself and I can't (and shouldn't) force him to.

I disagree with this. You are in a situation in which your husband requires intervention of some kind -- in order for him to be happy, and to save your marriage. I think you need to do more than just casually suggest therapy.

As a side note, I don't personally like to discuss marital issues with my friends, but if I do, I never do it with a member of the opposite sex (even though I do have several male -- and married -- friends). It's a major danger zone, as you've already seen.

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I am so sorry to hear about what you have been through and are currently suffering. I think it is wonderful that you are being so very patient and understanding with your husband, but feel it is important that he be urged to seek out professional help in coping with his past. I know it can't be forced, and I cannot think of anything that might press him to seek out such help- but perhaps he'd be willing to follow if you took the initiative... maybe a therapist in the home, or a marriage counselor you would see together... It is not at all healthy for him to continue holding back. He needs to heal and experience healthy relations with his wife.

My mother was molested as a child and went through sexual anorexia as well. (Didn't know it was called that until I read your post :) ). She and my father saw a great marriage counselor for this and other issues they were having difficulty working out on their own. A good marriage counselor can be a wonderful tool in healing a struggling relationship. My mother still doesn't have much of a desire to pursue intimacy with my father- but I've recognized it growing as the years have passed.

As far as dealing with temptations while you strive to wait patiently for your husband to be willing to engage- I believe this "friend" needs to be completely cut out of your life, and you need to confide this temptation to someone who will help hold you accountable and perhaps even filter any attempts this man makes to contact you again.

While what you are dealing with is not really an addiction- it could also be a good idea to attend the church 12 step program to learn some good coping skills and preventive measures, so you can be stronger in resisting the temptation to indulge yourself through mediums other than your husband's willing participation.

I wish you the best in your situation, hope my advice proves helpful, and believe you will find quite a bit of good advice and support from the other members here. :) I will have you and your husband in my prayers.

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First go find a good LDS counselor/ psychiatrist, psychologist who deals with sexual issues people have in this life. Yes they exist just might be hard to find, not close to you and will cost money.

Thers is a counselor near us I have been considering. I called to make an appointment once, but my husband asked that we try to work things out with just us first (he got a book) so I cancelled. We do have a nearby option though.

Second after you get yourself settled down ask for the counselor to work with you and your husband if he is willing to work on it as a couple issue not his issue.

Good advice. I tend to own my issues and assume he should too, but it might be easier for him if I phrased it as "us" instead of "you."

Third pray that both of you will see the right direction for the two of you to go in this matter.

Always do!

Fourth I would not use LDS social services myself as they really can't handle every issue in life nor should they.

Agreed. That wouldn't work for us anyway, for personal reasons.

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I disagree with this. You are in a situation in which your husband requires intervention of some kind -- in order for him to be happy, and to save your marriage. I think you need to do more than just casually suggest therapy.

Well...they haven't actually been casual suggestions. Several times, we've had quite the yelling matches over it. It comes down to me being physically unable to force him to go to counseling. And I'm afraid I don't know any therapists willing to make house calls.

As a side note, I don't personally like to discuss marital issues with my friends, but if I do, I never do it with a member of the opposite sex (even though I do have several male -- and married -- friends). It's a major danger zone, as you've already seen.

Yep. Go that ;)

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Thank you so much, Judo. Your kind words are greatly appreciated. It's especially heartening to hear that your father and mother saw an improvement through counseling.

perhaps he'd be willing to follow if you took the initiative... maybe a therapist in the home

Perhaps I should. I've been so focused on agency, remembering how hard it was for me to seek help, that I think I may not being as proactive as I should.

As far as dealing with temptations while you strive to wait patiently for your husband to be willing to engage- I believe this "friend" needs to be completely cut out of your life, and you need to confide this temptation to someone who will help hold you accountable and perhaps even filter any attempts this man makes to contact you again.

We no longer communicate. I wish I had a friend or family member in whom I could confide, but I don't. I tried speaking with my husband about it even, but he saw my "serious face" and wouldn't talk to me. Instead, he gave me a hug, told me he would love me no matter what, and changed the subject.

While what you are dealing with is not really an addiction- it could also be a good idea to attend the church 12 step program to learn some good coping skills and preventive measures, so you can be stronger in resisting the temptation to indulge yourself through mediums other than your husband's willing participation.

Why not? I'm willing to try almost anything. I'll look one up and check it out.

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Coruscate, the advice you've been given so far has been good. I don't really have any more advice to add. But, I want you to know that I'm rooting for you. I know you can overcome any temptations sent your way. i'm sending hugs and prayers your way!

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Have you heard of Laura Brotherson? She is a therapist in Utah and specializes in working with LDS couples with sexual related problems. Her website is Strengthening Marriage through Sexual Fulfillment. Her book is also fantastic. It is called "And They Were Not Ashamed: Stengthening Marriage Through Sexual Fulfillment". She does not mind if people contact her through her website (sending an email). She would probably be very helpful in giving you both some direction.

Some counselors are able to do counseling through Skype (I can do Skype Counseling with anyone in California). Skyping might be more comfortable for your husband. Though it sounds like you have a good counselor you are aware of in your area. You can start going to counseling by yourself, even if your husband is reluctant to go.

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  • 2 weeks later...

I just wanted to say thank you again to everyone who supported me and provided me with links I needed. I'm happy to report the temptation is permanently gone. I burned all remaining bridges, confessed my struggles to my husband and bishop, and things are going well.

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