Sign in to follow this  
moocow

Breaking the cycle

Recommended Posts

I am in a real pickle. I love my boyfriend, we have already decided to get married, and we would really like to just start our lives together already, but we can't. We're not worthy for the temple. We both attend church regularly, but we've been struggling with the law of chastity for a while now. It's not improving, either. It's complicated, but he is afraid of going to the bishop now since it will impact his employment and education. I'm ready to go to the bishop whenever, but we want to do it together. He keeps saying that we'll be good for awhile and then when we've been good for some time, we'll go to the bishop. But the problem is that it's not working. We definitely need help.

We already ruled out a civil marriage because it's not what we want. Although, I was more pro-civil marriage than he was. But I'm not opposed to trying to repent before we are married.

So now it's like we definitely act like a married couple, and yet we're not, and it's so frustrating. We're committed to each other just the same as if we made actual vows of marriage, but we didn't. Has anyone ever been stuck in a situation like this? What did you do about it? We are still interested in being sealed in the temple one day, but we're really caught up right now in this mess.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Yup. Been there.

Neither my husband nor I were endowed, but there was another thread about how the person's attitude matters more than any endowment when deciding excommunication. My husband and I saw the bishop before getting married, because we knew we wanted a temple marriage and that we wouldn't be able to have that when we were breaking the law of chastity. The bishop gave us really great advice on how to avoid temptation. We were committed not only to each other, but to God and the goal of going to the temple, so we were able to repent. Then I went to school about six months later, which wasn't long enough in order to go to the temple, so we just got a civil marriage and are waiting to get sealed. So, my advice is: Go see your bishop. Whether or not excommunication will happen is not important. What is important is that you get your life back on track. You need to realign your actions to match God's commandments. It's not just about being together or getting married, it is also about living worthily so that you can enter the celestial kingdom. Repent. It will hurt for a while, but then it is going to feel so good!

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

You are already doing the act of marriage, so why not get married? There's no point in waiting so you can go to the temple. And maybe you will NEVER get there. A sealing after a civil wedding is just as valid. You have pretty much thrown out the option of a temple marriage now. Just get married!

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I am in a real pickle. I love my boyfriend, we have already decided to get married, and we would really like to just start our lives together already, but we can't. We're not worthy for the temple. We both attend church regularly, but we've been struggling with the law of chastity for a while now. It's not improving, either. It's complicated, but he is afraid of going to the bishop now since it will impact his employment and education. I'm ready to go to the bishop whenever, but we want to do it together. He keeps saying that we'll be good for awhile and then when we've been good for some time, we'll go to the bishop. But the problem is that it's not working. We definitely need help.

We already ruled out a civil marriage because it's not what we want. Although, I was more pro-civil marriage than he was. But I'm not opposed to trying to repent before we are married.

So now it's like we definitely act like a married couple, and yet we're not, and it's so frustrating. We're committed to each other just the same as if we made actual vows of marriage, but we didn't. Has anyone ever been stuck in a situation like this? What did you do about it? We are still interested in being sealed in the temple one day, but we're really caught up right now in this mess.

Regarding this statement: "He keeps saying that we'll be good for awhile and then when we've been good for some time, we'll go to the bishop"....why are you letting him dictate your behavior? He can't have sex with you unless you willingly participate. Just because he can't control himself, doesn't mean you don't have the ability to control your own actions and stand firm in your own convictions. You cannot blame him for your actions.

Have you ever thought about making your own choice to be temple-worthy? If I wanted to be temple-worthy for marriage, no one would stand in my way...least of all the person who supposedly loves me.

And if you aren't endowed yet, don't you want to be temple-worthy for that? I wouldn't let a person who supposedly loves me, stand in the way of that, either.

Don't be scared of speaking to the Bishop. The sooner you do that, the sooner you can on the right track. That's what you want, right?

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

It's complicated, but he is afraid of going to the bishop now since it will impact his employment and education.

Sounds like he's at BYU. That is a real pickle. Do you want to marry a man who won't own up to his actions and face the consequences?

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Guest

Looking at your post history, this has been an issue for awhile, and not just with him. If you're absolutely sure he's the one you want to be married to, just do it. If not, I think it might be a good idea to spend some time away from guys and get this taken care of for yourself.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Guest

You could also go back and read the advice you got in this thread http://www.lds.net/forums/advice-board/41631-civil-marriage.html and this thread http://www.lds.net/forums/advice-board/43018-temple-vs-civil-marriage.html

I get that you're living in an largely LDS community and going to an LDS school. Don't worry about what other people think or the consequences of repentance. Being square with the Lord and at peace with yourself is way more important.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I agree with Timpman, you are acting like a married couple, therefore why not make it legit and get married. Your church is not opposed to civil marriages, they would prefer that you were married than breaking the law of chastity. If you get married civilly you can avoid this endless struggle that you are going through and concentrate on the next step, to get sealed.

M.

Edited by Maureen

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I love my boyfriend, we have already decided to get married, and we would really like to just start our lives together already, but we can't. We're not worthy for the temple. We both attend church regularly, but we've been struggling with the law of chastity for a while now.

Moocow, it's time to get over your denial. Look at what you posted here, over three years ago:

My boyfriend and I can't seem to stay worthy long enough to get recommends. But we don't want to just get married civilly because that's more of a cop out.

(moocow, March 17, 2009)

It's time to accept reality - he isn't interested in marrying you in the temple. He isn't interested in marrying you at all. He's happy to have all the sex with you that you can handle, and tell you nice things to keep you from leaving him.

And you keep falling for it. Year after year.

Aren't you like 25 now?

How long are you going to keep refusing to look in the mirror to see what you are to him?

Here's the answer you keep asking: No, you won't progress, you won't get closer to the temple, you won't come closer to God - until you act to end this nonsense. You already know this is true.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I would look into this site: The RELATE Institute - The RELATE Institute. There is a place for individuals to take the READY test which will identify strengths and weaknesses you have before getting married. For engaged couples, you can take the RELATE test on the same website. It will identify personal strengths/weaknesses, as well as strengths/weaknesses within the relationship.

This test is scientifically based. It is not an msn.com compatiblity quiz. I think it might be helpful for you to take the READY test and then talk with a bishop or counselor about improving on and dealing with your own personal weaknesses BEFORE getting married.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I didn't realize how long this had been going on. Let me add: I would NEVER have married my husband if he hadn't shown the ability to control himself and if I hadn't proven to myself that I could control myself. Self control is really important in a marriage. If you have been living like this for this long, whether it is with the same guy or not, I suggest you take a break for guys. I had a friend who had the same issues, and she actually ended up having a friend tell her bishop at BYUI. My friend was sent home, and told not to date anyone for a pretty long time. It was during this time that she met her husband, and she was finally worthy to marry him in the temple. If you want to marry this guy, make sure he will be a worthy priesthood holder. Either get a civil marriage so that you aren't sinning anymore or break up until you two can truly exercise self-control.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Hmm. Another thought: If you've both decided to get married, why haven't you? Why aren't the both of you taking the steps necessary to get sealed OR just getting a civil ceremony? It seems that promising each other to not have sex would be relatively easy if you're both truly committed to each other. At least, that's how it was for my husband and I. I let him know that I was not going to get a civil marriage just because of a weakness, and that if he and I couldn't stop then I would break up with him. He realized I was serious, and we cleaned up our act soon afterward.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

IF....you marry, then repentance is a bit more difficult as their really isn't a space of time to really have a mighty change of heart. I would go to the Bishop alone, start the process and ask the boyfriend to do the same. You don't seem very broken hearted to me and you are going to marry a guy that doesn't honor his covenants.

Bad idea...IMO.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Thanks for all of your advice. This is not the same guy from 3 years ago, but yes, it's the same problem AGAIN.

I would like to get married civilly. I really think it's best. It is hard given the fact that it's a highly Mormon community so my friends and co-workers will all think a little less of me (it's natural). Also, he will get kicked out of school and lose his job. But I mean, this has to be resolved a soon as possible one way or another. I once felt like it would be easy to just repent together, but so far we haven't been successful and it's been a year that we've been dating and trying to repent. He does want to marry me, though. It's a two-way street. I don't put all the blame on him for this. I have my past too.

Now it's just up to us to see it for what it is and make a decision. Thanks for your help.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

it's a highly Mormon community so my friends and co-workers will all think a little less of me (it's natural).

Something to think about: If your friends and co-workers know what you're doing, they're thinking less of you right now. If you decide to choose to finally respect yourself enough to put an end to this nonsense, you'd think your friends and co-workers would think more highly of you. (Unless you have crummy friends and co-workers that is, which is certainly possible.)

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Something to think about: If your friends and co-workers know what you're doing, they're thinking less of you right now.

They shouldn't be thinking less of her*, though they will probably be saddened and/or disappointed by her behavior. Though if they are inclined to think less of her for violating the Law of Chastity they'll probably do so for 'having' to do a civil ceremony anyway, which is your point, you aren't avoiding anything in that department by not getting the civil ceremony.

*We may have different ideas of what 'thinking less of' entails.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Thanks for all of your advice. This is not the same guy from 3 years ago, but yes, it's the same problem AGAIN.

I would like to get married civilly. I really think it's best. It is hard given the fact that it's a highly Mormon community so my friends and co-workers will all think a little less of me (it's natural). Also, he will get kicked out of school and lose his job. But I mean, this has to be resolved a soon as possible one way or another. I once felt like it would be easy to just repent together, but so far we haven't been successful and it's been a year that we've been dating and trying to repent. He does want to marry me, though. It's a two-way street. I don't put all the blame on him for this. I have my past too.

Now it's just up to us to see it for what it is and make a decision. Thanks for your help.

All the more reason for you to go to your bishop and get on with repenting.

What I'm worried about for you is this: If you stop having sex with this man who is getting sex without marriage, will he break off the relationship? Then... are you going to repeat the behavior again with the next guy? You have already established a small pattern here....two guys, chastity issues, want to marry in the temple, can't seem to repent long enough to get to the temple, won't go to the bishop.

How about change things up a bit and get yourself temple ready, and then talk about marriage?

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

You do what you need to do. If that means going to the bishop now, that means you go now to the bishop. Then, you decide if you need to marry now or wait for the temple. If you wait on the second, then you HAVE to see the bishop. There can be no more chastity problems. You do not date him or see him until he gets his problem handled. You go through your repentance issues. If he has job/school issues (at BYU?) due to chastity problems, then he needs to be a man and face up to them. You do not want to marry a guy who will hide serious sins from the bishop in order to stay in school/be employed. You also don't want to marry a guy who is so weak, he cannot keep from sinning again and again.

So, separate yourselves for several months. During that time, work on your repentance and growing spiritually. Otherwise, get married by the local Justice of the Peace, and stop burning! And then work on your repentance to get into the temple.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Dear Sister, I am thinking you will not do anything without some more help. How about being a little accountable to us? Let us know when you have an appointment with you bishop! Make it for this Sunday! We will not stop inquiring about whether you have done it.

You wrote:

I'm ready to go to the bishop whenever, but we want to do it together....

Now it's just up to us to see it for what it is and make a decision.

I really think you need to start out by going ALONE. It is up to YOU. Is your boyfriend in your ward? If not, maybe he will not even lose his job.

As a sidenote, I think mhsmd's situation was quite different. It sounds like your problems have gone on for far longer and you are far less likely to get the result that mhsmd did.

bytor2112 IF....you marry, then repentance is a bit more difficult as their really isn't a space of time to really have a mighty change of heart.

I just have to disagree with this. Getting married can show that a couple is ready to own up to how they have been living. They can still have a change of heart.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Hidden

I think you might not do anything without more help. How about being a little accountable to us? Let us know when you have set the appointment. You wrote:

I'm ready to go to the bishop whenever, but we want to do it together....

Now it's just up to us to see it for what it is and make a decision.

Frankly, you just need to go on your own. It's up to YOU.

As a sidenote, mhsmd's situation was not like your's. It's been going on far too long for you.

bytor2112 IF....you marry, then repentance is a bit more difficult as their really isn't a space of time to really have a mighty change of heart.

I must disagree. For some couples, getting married is the first step to accept responsibility. They can still have a change of heart.

Share this post


Link to post

I agree with those who suggest you get married. Right now, it's either break up and work on your problems or get married and work on your problems. Getting married will probably be a lot easier. If he is committed to being sealed, he needs to focus.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Guest

To break a cycle, you have to do something differently, not just wish that things were different.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now
Sign in to follow this