So what you're saying is that Marriage eventually becomes Codependency?

[Leah]

I completely agree.

I've been married for 6 years and marriage is not what it's cracked up to be. If I could go back and redo the last 7 years, I would have dated my husband MUCH longer than I did (5 months) and put off marriage altogether.

I've never been interested in being married but I succumbed to his pressure to do so. Do I love him? Yes. Do I enjoy being married to him? No. No, no, no. I'm extremely independent and having someone around me all the time is stifling for me. We've been in counseling a few times, all without much success. But alas, I've made a commitment and it just wouldn't be right to leave him. I'll have to find some way to endure.

The sad part is, there isn't any major issues in our marriage, just general incompatibility. There are very few things we agree on and fight constantly. It's gotten to the point where we don't even want to be around each other. Of course I would have better known our incompatibility had I gotten to know him better. Regrets? I've had a few.

You're doing the right thing, my friend. Marriage is NOT for everyone. It's hard, it's annoying and physically, emotionally and spiritually exhausting.

It seems there is a major issue....you state you were never interested in getting married. Unless and until that attitude changes, your marriage won't change. I am not saying your husband is perfect, but the only thing you can work on is YOU.

As long as you have such strongly negative feelings about marriage, you aren't going to have a good marriage. You get out of it what you put into it. Given what you have written, I am not so sure that you are incompatible with your husband specifically. Given your attitude that being married is "stifling", I am not sure you would have been happy with anyone.

Marriage is our foundation. It is a wonderful thing, created by our Heavenly Father. That doesn't mean it's all puppies and rainbows all the time. It does take work. It doesn't sound like you are interested in doing that work.

[Misshalfway]

I have a favorite quote:

"Nothing prepares you for marriage, except marriage."

Edited August 5, 2012 by Misshalfway

[C_T_R]

I'm kind of with the OP, tbh. I dunno, I mean I can sit here and say what ideally a marriage should be.. which I imagine is being roommates with your best friend.. with benefits.

But that sounds a little too good to be true. And it is in my experience! I mean I've had some relationships that have been what I call "healthy" but I've also fallen into co-dependency waaay more times than I'd like to admit. Co-dependency does take two people. It isn't one-sided in that one person IS putting all of their individuality on the back burner, but the other has to be giving them a little something, at least once in awhile, to keep them hanging on. If the 'giver' finally gets fed up, the 'taker' will step up and be loving and bait them back in.. and the cycle continues. Pretty miserable.. and from what I've heard, it's misery for both sides.

Even the "healthy" relationships I've had haven't been that perfect ideal I just described. I've never been married, but I imagine it's a lot harder than dating. There are the perks! But yea. I think the only way it'd work for me is having someone who's mature enough to let me have my space when I need it.. and for me to be mature enough to do the same. It shouldn't feel like you're being smothered.. and it can definitely feel that way even when you're both just trying to keep it "equally yoked."

Good.. I mean reeeally good communication is _essential_. Finding a woman you WANT to be with even if she got fat and went bald. lol. Seriously tho! And I feel like I'm capable of feeling that for someone.. but I haven't found a best friend who feels that for me. But like I said, I'm kind of with the OP. I'm not even sure how it would look if I found that kind of connection. I have a hard time imagining why it would be as hard as everyone says if I did..

*shrug* I don't know. The idea of marriage is lovely to me. The actuality from what I've personally seen makes me feel basically content with the idea of being single. I don't believe it's something we're supposed to endure.

[NightSG]

Even the "healthy" relationships I've had haven't been that perfect ideal I just described.

I have to agree, and the best example of marriage that I've seen was my maternal grandparents, who mostly raised me after my parents were divorced and my father was killed.

Sure, they argued weekly, (I sometimes wonder if they actually scheduled an afternoon for arguing) but they were still completely devoted to each other and their marriage. They never let the sun set on their anger, and in 44 years, I'm pretty sure neither of them ever gave a thought to divorce.

When grandma got sick, granddad stayed right by her side until the hospital staff convinced him that she could not only hear him, but also smell him. Then he got a motel room a block from the hospital and for the next two weeks, he still spent 16 hours a day by her side. For four more years after she died, he would talk to her chair. After he was mostly paralyzed in a wreck, he would have conversations, and sometimes arguments with any empty chair in the room. You'll never convince anyone who heard him that she wasn't there in some way, every single day.

I've known couples who might appear to be better off, in that they rarely argued, and certainly not with the verbal intensity my grandparents did, but I sometimes wonder if what they had was more of a matter of sharing everything with each other, even the worst of it in the form of anger, venting it so that it wouldn't damage the most precious thing they had.

[Anddenex]

It doesn't appear to me that marriage is the problem, it appears our own self-interest, arrogance, conceit, lack of self-control, only willing to let others loose their lives for our needs, but not allowing ourselves to loose our lives for their needs.

There are three counsels I have found to be the most profound regarding marriage:

President Hinckley,

"True love is not so much a matter of romance as it is a matter of anxious concern for the well being of ones companion."

President Monson,

The Apostle Paul asks in Ephesians, chapter 4, verse 26 of the Joseph Smith Translation: “Can ye be angry, and not sin? let not the sun go down upon your wrath.”

I ask, is it possible to feel the Spirit of our Heavenly Father when we are angry? I know of no instance where such would be the case.

Elder Jeffrey R Holland, (I am only going to quote a portion, however the whole talk is well worth the read, "How do I Love Thee?")

I have heard President Hinckley teach publicly and privately what I suppose all leaders have said—that most problems in love and marriage ultimately start with selfishness. In outlining ideal love in which Christ, the most unselfish man who ever lived, is the great example, it is not surprising that this scriptural commentary starts here.

As far as I am concerned marriage is all it is CRACKED up to be. I don't remember any prophet saying marriage is without difficulty.

I love how I once read from, I believe it was David O McKay, and how it is said that he never had an argument with his wife. When first married they made an agreement that if their disagreement ever increased to a point where words might be said which one would regret, he would leave the house until he was calmed down. Then returned. I remember reading why some asked why he lived to be so old and healthy. He said it was because of the fresh air he received on so many walks.

If someone remembers it being a different prophet, please correct me.

Edited August 5, 2012 by Anddenex

[Misshalfway]

As far as I am concerned marriage is all it is CRACKED up to be. I don't remember any prophet saying marriage is without difficulty.

I love how I once read from, I believe it was David O McKay, and how it is said that he never had an argument with his wife. When first married they made an agreement that if their disagreement ever increased to a point where words might be said which one would regret, he would leave the house until he was calmed down. Then returned. I remember reading why some asked why he lived to be so old and healthy. He said it was because of the fresh air he received on so many walks.

If someone remembers it being a different prophet, please correct me.

I agree with your first statement. I mean we love marriage in our culture. We promote it and romanticize it. But at the end of the day it's a lot of work (within ourselves mostly) to help maintain it's good effects. I read a book a while back about how marriage is a crucible. I love that concept.

And in regards to this David O story, I have to say that examples like this bother me. They bother me because they only tell one part of the solution to conflict... and because they promote some habits/attitudes that actually promote more disconnection.

I think we all need a time out when our tempers run high. But the most important thing is what we do next. We need to come back! We need to communicate about our feelings and receive the feelings of our spouse. Both need to be heard and considered and soothed.

If we decide to define healthy marriage as "I never had a fight with my wife" then I think we are missing the big picture and we're not teaching people how to manage what is inherently hard about intimate relationships. We also fail to show people how to achieve the best of what marriage can be.

[Guest]

Yeah, anything that takes work and effort is definitely not worth doing, no matter what the rewards. Who needs that headache? Just forget it.

[Anddenex]

I read a book a while back about how marriage is a crucible. I love that concept.

I really like this sentiment also, and find it to be very true in my life.

And in regards to this David O story, I have to say that examples like this bother me. They bother me because they only tell one part of the solution to conflict... and because they promote some habits/attitudes that actually promote more disconnection.

I think we all need a time out when our tempers run high. But the most important thing is what we do next. We need to come back! We need to communicate about our feelings and receive the feelings of our spouse. Both need to be heard and considered and soothed.

If we decide to define healthy marriage as "I never had a fight with my wife" then I think we are missing the big picture and we're not teaching people how to manage what is inherently hard about intimate relationships. We also fail to show people how to achieve the best of what marriage can be.

I understand your point, however I wouldn't agree that this promotes any habits or attitudes of disconnection.

The habit here promoted the idea it is better to remove oneself from a situation, then to continue in a potential heated disagreement where words might be said that an individual will regret later.

If you read about David O McKay and the relationship between him and his wife, you will see for yourself they truly knew how wonderful marriage can be.

I remember the article continuing and specifying that when he returned from his walks, they would talk again, apologize if an apology was needed, and resume the conversation when both had let go of their pride. However, due to their walks, they avoided words being said in a time of passion. I think this is a great principle for any marriage.

I agree, though, we definitely need to promote habits of connection. I like these types of stories when the premise is understood correctly.

[Bini]

I understand where Misshalfway is coming from. I got the story but I too got the impression that he simply went for a walk and the whole ordeal was just dropped -- without further communication. So maybe that personal experience isn't as clear as intended to be.