angelbaby Posted October 27, 2006 Author Report Share Posted October 27, 2006 the jokes have been really good. i loved that one about the skunks fighting over the pickle. i put this in a post some where recently, but it's one of my fave's at the moment. Why Did the Chicken Cross the Road? Laman: To usurp the authority of his older brother chickens and to take possession of their coop. Brigham Young: Because this is the right place in the road. Thomas: I don't really believe the chicken crossed the road. Noah: Are you sure there weren't two chickens? Lilburn W Boggs: I don't care which side of the road the chicken's on, you have permission to kill it. Elder's Quorum President: It was the 31st and he had to get his Home Teaching done. Relief Society President: That's where the refreshments were. The Doctrine and Covenants: "The duty of a chicken is to cross the road when there is no other poultry present." Mark Hoffman: Would you like to buy the chicken's original diary documenting his crossing of the road? Lamoni's servants: We don't know why it crossed the road; all we know is it's wings had been cut off. Martin Harris: I have never denied seeing the chicken cross the road. Temple Square Guide: The acoustics are so good you can hear the chicken cross the road from any seat in the Tabernacle. President Merrill J Bateman: I'm not so much concerned that the chicken crossed the road but that its feathers were not knee-length. Gerald Lund: Not only did this chicken cross the road, but his whole family crossed the road as well. The grand, panoramic story of this chicken's family will be told in my soon-to-be-released 36 volume set "The Cluck and the Glory." Nephi: It is better for a chicken to cross the road than a nation dwindle in unbelief. Lorenzo Snow: As the egg is, the chicken once was; as the chicken is, the egg may become. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gwen Posted October 27, 2006 Report Share Posted October 27, 2006 Why did the chicken cross the road?--To prove to the skunk that it can be done.arround here is is "To show the opossum it could be done." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pushka Posted October 27, 2006 Report Share Posted October 27, 2006 I'm really pleased to hear of the way that skunks are de-skunked and kept as pets...I suppose my animal rights friends wouldn't agree to this tho, taking away the skunk's only form of defense? I too am a great cat lover...I love their attitude/aloofment and the cuddly kind as well...must admit I can't resist cuddling a cat last thing at night, nothing better to send me off to a peaceful sleep...if only the darned things didn't keep escaping my clutches!!! :) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dr T Posted October 27, 2006 Report Share Posted October 27, 2006 Push, someone e-mailed this to me. I don't know where it's from but I laughed:Cat Diary:DAY 752 - My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction I get from shredding the occasional piece of furniture. Tomorrow I may eat another houseplant and cough it up on the carpeting.DAY 761 - Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded, must try this at the top of the stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favourite chair...must try this on their bed (again).DAY 762 - Slept all day so that I could annoy my captors with sleep depriving, incessant pleas for food at ungodly hours of the night.DAY 765 - Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body, in attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear into their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I was...Hmmm. Not working according to plan...DAY 768 - I am finally aware of how sadistic they are. For no good reason I was chosen for the water torture. This time however it included a burning foamy chemical called "shampoo." What sick minds could invent such a liquid. My only consolation is the piece of thumb still stuck between my teeth and the tiny bit of flesh under my claws.DAY 771 - There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise and smell the foul odor of the glass tubes they call "beer." More importantly I overheard that my confinement was due to MY power of "allergies." Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage.DAY 774 - I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit. The Bird on the other hand has got to be an informant. He has mastered their frightful tongue (something akin to mole speak) and speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the metal room his safety is assured. But I can wait, it is only a matter of time. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Maureen Posted October 27, 2006 Report Share Posted October 27, 2006 Cat Diary:DAY 752 - My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction I get from shredding the occasional piece of furniture. Tomorrow I may eat another houseplant and cough it up on the carpeting.DAY 761 - Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded, must try this at the top of the stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favourite chair...must try this on their bed (again).DAY 762 - Slept all day so that I could annoy my captors with sleep depriving, incessant pleas for food at ungodly hours of the night.DAY 765 - Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body, in attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear into their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I was...Hmmm. Not working according to plan...DAY 768 - I am finally aware of how sadistic they are. For no good reason I was chosen for the water torture. This time however it included a burning foamy chemical called "shampoo." What sick minds could invent such a liquid. My only consolation is the piece of thumb still stuck between my teeth and the tiny bit of flesh under my claws.DAY 771 - There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise and smell the foul odor of the glass tubes they call "beer." More importantly I overheard that my confinement was due to MY power of "allergies." Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage.DAY 774 - I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit. The Bird on the other hand has got to be an informant. He has mastered their frightful tongue (something akin to mole speak) and speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the metal room his safety is assured. But I can wait, it is only a matter of time.I love the Cat Diary Dr. T, I have two cats and my family and I as captors always try to imagine, what could those kitties be thinking. I'm emailing this to my kids and husband. Thanks!M. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest MrsS Posted October 28, 2006 Report Share Posted October 28, 2006 Thanks Dr.T - I haven't seen that one in a long time. Think I will start a thread about pets and animales so we will stop de-railing this one. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LionHeart Posted October 28, 2006 Report Share Posted October 28, 2006 A Frenchman, an Englishman, and a New Yorker were captured by a fierce tribe. The chief comes to them and says, "The bad news is that now that we've caught you, we're going to kill you, and then use your skins to build a canoe. The good news is that you get to choose how you die." The Frenchman says, "I take ze poison." The chief gives him some poison, the Frenchman says, "Vive la France!" and drinks it down. The Englishman says, "A pistol for me, please." The chief gives him a pistol, he points it at his head, says, "God save the queen!" and shoots himself. The New Yorker says, "Gimme a fork." The chief is puzzled, but he shrugs and gives him a fork. The New Yorker takes the fork and starts jabbing himself all over --the stomach, the sides, the chest, everywhere. There's blood gushing out all over, it's horrible. The chief is appalled, and screams, "What are you doing???" The New Yorker looks at the chief and says, "So much for your canoe, shmuck!" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dr T Posted October 28, 2006 Report Share Posted October 28, 2006 My pleasure MrsS. I enjoyed reading it again. Good idea about a new thread. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pushka Posted October 28, 2006 Report Share Posted October 28, 2006 LOL Dr. T. The purrrfect cat joke!! L.H. That canoe joke was fantastic too!!! LOL. :) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dr T Posted October 28, 2006 Report Share Posted October 28, 2006 The purrrfect cat joke!! well done Push! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
angelbaby Posted October 30, 2006 Author Report Share Posted October 30, 2006 Found this and thought it was cute. Wise Parables From Children A first grade teacher collected well-known proverbs. She gave each child in her class the first half of a proverb, and had them come up with the rest. Their insight may surprise you... • Better to be safe than.....Punch a 5th grader. • Strike While the.....Bug is close. • It's always darkest before.....Daylight Savings time. • Never underestimate the power of.....Termites. • You can lead a horse to water but.....how? • Don't bite the hand that.....looks dirty. • No news is.....impossible. • A miss is as good as a .....Mr. • You can't teach an old dog new.....math. • If you lie down with dogs, you'll.....stink in the morning. • Love all, trust.....me. • The pen is mightier than the .....pigs. • An idle mind is.....The best way to relax. • Where there's smoke there's.....Pollution. • Happy the bride who.....gets all the presents. • A penny saved is.....not much. • Two's company, three's.....the Musketeers. • Don't put off till tomorrow what.....you put on to go to bed. • Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and.....you have to blow your nose. • None are so blind as.....Helen Keller. • Children should be seen and not.....spanked or grounded. • If at first you don't succeed.....get new batteries. • You get out of something what you.....see pictured on the box. • When the blind leadeth the blind.....get out of the way. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dr T Posted October 30, 2006 Report Share Posted October 30, 2006 Those are good. Thanks for posting those. :) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LionHeart Posted October 31, 2006 Report Share Posted October 31, 2006 A man was wandering through the South American jungle when suddenly he entered a clearing and was instantly surrounded by heathens. Upon realizing this, and being very concerned for his well being, he muttered to himself: "Oh no, I'm in trouble now." Just as he said this, he heard a voice that said: "No you're not. See that biggest heathen standing in front of you? And see that big rock at your feet? Take that rock, and use it to beat that big heathen to a pulp." So he picks up the rock, charges at the big heathen and beats him down. As soon as he gets done, he looks around at the rest of the heathens as they look at him with astonishment. And the voice says to him: "Now you're in trouble." L.H. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dr T Posted October 31, 2006 Report Share Posted October 31, 2006 LOL LH. Thanks Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Maureen Posted October 31, 2006 Report Share Posted October 31, 2006 LionHeart, you have the craziest jokes! I enjoy reading them. :) M. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
prisonchaplain Posted November 1, 2006 Report Share Posted November 1, 2006 Why'd the chicken fail to cross the road? (He was chicken) Why'd the monkey fall out of the tree? (He was dead). Sorry for this next--it's a religious joke. What do you get when you cross a Jehovah's Witness with a Universalists (the latter believe everyone will be saved and enter the CK)? Someone who goes around knocking on people's doors for no apparent reason. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LionHeart Posted November 1, 2006 Report Share Posted November 1, 2006 LionHeart, you have the craziest jokes! I enjoy reading them. :) M.My pleasure Maureen. Oh, P.C., I like that joke about the Jehova's witness and the universalist. Thanks for that.L.H. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
boyando Posted November 1, 2006 Report Share Posted November 1, 2006 Today at work, there were five guys who all showed up in superman t-shirts and it reminded me of a superman joke. Why, in the television series, does superman let bullets bounce of his chest and then duck when they throw the gun at him? allmosthumble Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dr T Posted November 1, 2006 Report Share Posted November 1, 2006 For halloween: Why didn't the skeleton cross the road? He didn't have the guts Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Maureen Posted November 16, 2006 Report Share Posted November 16, 2006 Just heard this one this week..... What did the zero say to the eight? * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * Nice belt! M. :) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dr T Posted November 17, 2006 Report Share Posted November 17, 2006 Why was 6 afraid of 7? Cause 7, 8 (ate), 9 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
boyando Posted November 18, 2006 Report Share Posted November 18, 2006 Did you hear about the man who went down the road? He turned into a parking lot. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
anthony Posted November 18, 2006 Report Share Posted November 18, 2006 These jokes might be corny but I still like them hehe: Why do birds fly south for the winter ? Because it's too far to walk Where do polar bears vote? The North Poll. What do you get when you cross an archer with a gift-wrapper? Ribbon Hood. If athletes get athletes foot, what do astronauts get? Mistletoe. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Outshined Posted November 18, 2006 Report Share Posted November 18, 2006 My kids told me this one: What do you call cheese that doesn't belong to you? Nacho cheese! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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