Advice Please

[G-Money]

I made a mistake, that I am very ashamed of and feel guilty about. I joined this forum to ask for advice.

For about two weeks I masturbated about day to day, perhaps every other day. I originally didn't know the church policy on this said activity, but after doing research and praying I knew that it was not just a sin, but a fairly large sin at that. I felt heaps of guilt, and more recently have had trouble sleeping, I want to get back on the path and continue to spiritually grow.

I abstained for one week after that two week period, then fell pray to temptation right as that week was ending, I have now been free of the poison for about a week. I have been pouring my heart out at night and in the morning, and I have fasted the past two Sundays. I've increased scripture study, and gone back to the book of Mormon to increase my faith. At times I feel like I have been forgiven, but then randomly I will get waves of doubt, this confirms to me that my repentance cycle has not yet been completed.

My first thought was that I might need to talk to the bishop, but fear has plagued me, he scheduled a meeting this Wednesday for an unrelated thing( I don't even know) and I've been considering telling him then. Here are the things that are stopping me.

1. I've always been the good kid in the ward, in my family, etc. -I'm the kid that stops bullying or bears his testimony, or goes to church when no one else is. I'm the kid who doesn't skip seminary, etc. I don't want that reputation to be soiled. If I confessed to the bishop, I would have to cease priesthood duties temporarily and everyone in the ward family would know I screwed up. I love my ward family desperately, they have helped my through trials, and I have been known to come to church early or stay late to speak with many of the members. Not to mention my family who trusts me wholeheartedly, they let me stay out late, go where I want, etc. because of their unbetrayed trust. I can't disappoint my father especially because we've been through a really rough time recently and he is not himself/very sad. I don't know if I have it in my to hurt him further.

2. The thought of saying those words to my bishop seems so daunting. I love me bishop, and he think very highly of me. I talk to him all the time in and outside of church. Telling him this, I fear, would ruin our relationship. I live in a small ward with few young men, and I've never seen or heard of seen one of them meeting with the bishop, let alone cease their priesthood duties. It just seems like I would be noticed even more so because of this. I am the teachers quorum president, and I who is supposed to set the example made the mistake. If everyone knew that it could change the way they look at me forever.

I'm not justifying my mistake, not at all, it was wrong and I see that. I want to continue my spiritual growth no matter the cost, but if at all possible, I would love to keep this repentance process to myself. I just don't know if that is enough. I'm not looking for a shortcut. I'm miserable now, I can't handle the guilt.When I was younger I once burst into tears crying telling my parents that I had said a swear word on accident because it felt so good to be free of that burden, and this is much worse. Please any advice would be greatly appreciated.

Edited May 22, 2012 by G-Money

[pam]

Even the best have faltered in some way or another. No one is immune. Just talk to him. Personally I think he would be impressed that you had the courage. I think that says a lot as well.

[jayanna]

Come on, get it over with, you will feel better. Maybe it won't be as bad as you think. Don't let your pride get in the way of repentance. This is not something that you want to question yourself about while you are on your mission. If you don't go through with the repentence process, you will probably always question whether or not you are truly worthy of whatever priesthood you hold and will hold in the future. Hurry up, so you can put this behind you, you have great work to do :)

[G-Money]

I will tell him on Wednesday. Do I need to tell my parents? What kind of consequences will I be subject to? I have never gone to the bishop for anything like this. With no further incidents, how soon will I be able to return to the temple? Is there any way to keep this between my bishop, myself, and heavenly father? After the repentance process is completed how can I stay away from this? I realized I am surprisingly uninformed about this process.

[pam]

Talk to your Bishop and let him advise you of these things.

[lehi1902]

Dude, it is a sin, yes, but don't beat yourself up because of it. You're amazing and this is just a minor mistake (although it can lead to much more serious sins). So you can have a little comparison, here's some info for you on this subject:

1) New members of the church are not even asked in their baptismal interviews about this. Actually, the church instructs you not to ask them. You ask about sexual relations and pornography, but not about masturbation. You don't even teach this doctrine to investigators. This is an issue that the new member will have to deal with their Bishops in the future.

2) I'd guess that about 70% of all missionaries masturbate at least once in their missions, and I'd say... about 40% do so throughout their whole missions. I was my MP's assistant for one year and he always knew I struggled with it.

3) According to a well-known mormon psychologist I've met, some General Authorities will tell you masturbation is not a serious sin. You can go on a mission, you can go to the temple.

HOWEVER, let me tell you one thing, buddy. Use all of your strength and willpower to overcome this addiction if you can, and it seems that you can. Masturbation will easily lead you to pornography, and then things get much more complicated.

[G-Money]

Dude, it is a sin, yes, but don't beat yourself up because of it. You're amazing and this is just a minor mistake (although it can lead to much more serious sins). So you can have a little comparison, here's some info for you on this subject:

1) New members of the church are not even asked in their baptismal interviews about this. Actually, the church instructs you not to ask them. You ask about sexual relations and pornography, but not about masturbation. You don't even teach this doctrine to investigators. This is an issue that the new member will have to deal with their Bishops in the future.

2) I'd guess that about 70% of all missionaries masturbate at least once in their missions, and I'd say... about 40% do so throughout their whole missions. I was my MP's assistant for one year and he always knew I struggled with it.

3) According to a well-known mormon psychologist I've met, some General Authorities will tell you masturbation is not a serious sin. You can go on a mission, you can go to the temple.

HOWEVER, let me tell you one thing, buddy. Use all of your strength and willpower to overcome this addiction if you can, and it seems that you can. Masturbation will easily lead you to pornography, and then things get much more complicated.

Thanks for the advice, I'm going to talk to my bishop tomorrow. I just hope that I don't lose my calling as teachers quorum president. I'm just glad that it's not as big as I perceived it to be. Guilt is an agent of hyperbole.

[batman16]

Different bishops also have different views of the seriousness of the sin. I've struggled with it for a long time and have gone through quite a few different bishops discussing the matter. Some didn't feel I was a horrible person just that I needed to work on it, where as others wouldn't allow me to have a temple recommend until I went for a certain period of time without slipping. An important step I've found though is to not beat yourself up over it. You will obviously feel guilt but I have found when I tend to think of my self as worthless it becomes easier to make a mistake again. What consequence would there be if something worthless has committed a sin? none really. Which is why it is easier to make a mistake if one feels worthless, because it feels like there is less consequence that way. Because no one is worthless there is always a consequence to sin. its important to remember your worth. But alas it is frustrating having the feeling of not having self control, I know exactly how you feel brother.

[G-Money]

Different bishops also have different views of the seriousness of the sin. I've struggled with it for a long time and have gone through quite a few different bishops discussing the matter. Some didn't feel I was a horrible person just that I needed to work on it, where as others wouldn't allow me to have a temple recommend until I went for a certain period of time without slipping. An important step I've found though is to not beat yourself up over it. You will obviously feel guilt but I have found when I tend to think of my self as worthless it becomes easier to make a mistake again. What consequence would there be if something worthless has committed a sin? none really. Which is why it is easier to make a mistake if one feels worthless, because it feels like there is less consequence that way. Because no one is worthless there is always a consequence to sin. its important to remember your worth. But alas it is frustrating having the feeling of not having self control, I know exactly how you feel brother.

Tonight is the night of truth. Extremely nervous, school just ended, but I still don't feel free with this burden. How long did the bishop require you to abstain before you could get a temple recommend, etc?

[G-Money]

So on Wednesday I talked with my bishop, and he said that it was ok, and that he knew I was a good kid, he said that was that and as far as bishoping he didn't have anything else to do. As you can imagine I was over the moon, then today, I had another incident. It is extremely humbling, I thought I was home free, but obviously not. I need advice on how to stop this and what it is I need to do next. I'm at an all time low, I feel completely awful, I had told my dad, and bishop, and now I made another silly mistake. Please any advice would be extremely helpful. I was one day away from taking the sacrament and being done with this mess!

[beefche]

G, one of the members here, JudoMinja, has gone through this. Here is her advice:

And last of all- keep a tally for yourself to help you see your progress. Don't just mark every time you give in. Mark every time you feel the temptation, and you resist it. And I can assure you, that as you keep a tally this way, you will see that you are doing better than you think. I went through a time when I would masturbate every day, and then maybe once a week, then about once a month. I would beat myself up every time and feel like a failure. But when I started keeping this tally, I realized that I wasn't failing. I was WINNING. And I eventually also noticed that I would feel that temptation less and less, until such thoughts hardly, if ever, even entered my mind.

It's from this thread, in case you'd like to read the whole thread.

[Onhech]

I have dealt with a lot of people who feel they are addicted to an action or substance (and how isn't.. I am... I just can't stop eating... It happens 3 times a day and no matter how hard i try i just keep going back!) and I have come to see a few patterns and things that I saw help. I had a roommate that had a similar issue and we talked about it in-depth.

Remember that the sexual desire is a good thing, we just must keep it within the commandments of God. You are not sinning to have desire, and you can't always control what comes into your mind but you CAN control, and it is a sin, to give room for those thoughts to grow.

As one once said "you can't control if bird flies over your head, but you can control if it builds a nest on your head."

If you control your thoughts than you will control you actions. So you want to learn how to control your thoughts in times of temptation.

How do you do that? I don't know if there is a magic bullet. Defiantly growing spiritually close to the savior will help. Remember, not matter what you do he loves you and will be there for you. Just put in sincere effort to talk to him.

One parable of Jesus to me is very helpful (Luke 11:23-26 (see JST)). Christ told of a man who was cleansed of a devil. This man kept himself the same - clean and empty. However it then said that the devil came back with 7 more of his friends and the man was worse than he was at the start. Jesus stated that "He that is not with me is against me"(Luke 11:23). It is not merely enough to be cleansed from out sins and call it good - we must replace the sin with Christ and good. So as it applies here - fll your old ways with Christ and good. Read your scriptures, pray, read good books, work out. You must fill yourself with good.

But as far as external controls. I would take note of the circumstances in which you are tempted (the location, the time, the atmosphere, the company) and if you can seek to avoid those atmospheres. For instance, if it happens late at night than go to bed early - set a bedtime. If it happens when everyone is gone than don't be alone, find a friend and go there, or just go outside for a walk. If electronics is an issue than you may need to have parental controls on it. Also having a friend could help a lot too, someone who will understand, perhaps your father. If you think things are going to be bad, start early (as soon as you start thinking about it or feeling) and talk to them. Or maybe arrange that at those certain times you can go do something with them.

Lastly, I would suggest not beating yourself up about it too much. You obviously know it is wrong and you want to discontinue. Focus on being better and positive things, not the negative things. Often times in addiction it is hard to stop because to stop you need to stop thinking about it. However, when you feel guilty about something you think about it a lot and focus on it giving it attention. I would advise you to see yourself as a good person and a fresh person. You actions now are not bound by what you have done in the past. Keep the bishop informed of the situation if you slip again, but don't get depressed as that could lead to an increase of the activity. Just because you slip up once doesn't mean you have not changed or repented at all. It is a process. Work on improvement. Good Luck! You seem like a good person.

[G-Money]

Thanks for all the great feedback! I've confessed my sins, now for the abandonment of them!