My Sister-in-Law Walked Out On Her Family

[Edelweiss]

Nevermind. It was wrong to vent here.

Edited May 23, 2012 by Edelweiss

[annewandering]

Well this episode started when she DECIDED she wanted a different lifestyle. Her husband did make his own choices too. Sounds pretty rotten all around.

Your choice is to do as God said and forgive everyone, or not.

[Guest]

Focus your efforts on loving your brother and his children. Pray for her, and otherwise release yourself of any responsibility toward her.

[JudoMinja]

It sounds like your feelings toward your mother for walking out on you when you were thirteen are extending out to your sister-in-law for doing the same thing to her children. What she is doing is clearly wrong, but she is right that it is not your place to step in. Essentially- you are allowing yourself to get worked up over nothing. Whether you delt with it or not, you were emotionally damaged when your mother walked out on you and that is making this situation hit you harder than it would otherwise.

People make bad decisions, and we must do our best to deal with the consequences of those decisions. Typically, when we make bad decisions, we fail to look past ourselves to realize how much it will affect those around us, but it does. Often in ways we will never ever realize or understand. Instead of focusing on how much you feel hurt by the wrongness of your sister-in-laws decision, focus on "damage control" and do whatever you can to be an understanding support to her children who will probably be looking to you for empathy.

[NeuroTypical]

What she's done is so selfish, and I actually hate her for it. If she does come back, I don't know how I'm going to forgive her.

Sounds like you're carrying around a sin greater than destroying a marriage. That's a pretty hefty burden to be carrying around - are you sure you can't do what's necessary to remove this burden from your soul?

I just poured out my heart, and she responds with, "Please leave everyone alone. I'm fine. I understand your concern but to be harshly honest it's not your place to step in."

I think she's right. Doesn't the world have enough people angry at other people for stuff that isn't any of their business? How come you're adding to it?

It doesn't really help to sit there and confess someone else's sins, you know... I think we're supposed to work on our own first...

Edited May 23, 2012 by Loudmouth_Mormon

[classylady]

My husband's first wife did a similar thing to him after she had several affairs. He received full custody of their two children, and all she had was visitation. She left the church and has never come back. Over the years she has reaped the consequences of her actions. Once she matured, she realized just what she lost with her children. She has managed to get her life in order, but she missed out in her children's lives. Her children have long forgiven her. There isn't much you can do but forgive her and hope she will come to her senses. By then, it may be too late, and her husband may have moved on, taking the children with him. I know my husband's ex feels bad about what she did. But, it took her quite a few years to get to that point.

[Wingnut]

How on earth can I forgive such a thing?

To start with, remember that she did this to her husband and her kids, not to you.

and she responds with,

"Please leave everyone alone. I'm fine. I understand your concern but to be harshly honest it's not your place to step in."

And she's right. I have sister-in-law drama, too, and I've been a lot happier and less annoyed since I hid her posts on Facebook and stopped worrying about her bad decisions, since they don't actually affect me and my family.

[applepansy]

Regardless if she comes back or not, you need to let go of the anger you feel. We are commanded to forgive. I hope you'll be able to put the negative feelings aside and move on. Forgiveness if for us. When we are angry and upset at others the Spirit moves away.

I wish you and your family all the best. Hopefully she'll grow up sooner rather than later.

[FunkyTown]

It doesn't really help to sit there and confess someone else's sins, you know... I think we're supposed to work on our own first...

I have a confession to make about LM, actually.

Deep breaths. It's a tough one.

LM not only walked out on all his maternal obligations, but I have never seen him fulfill his motherly roles ever.

Phew. I feel better now that I've confessed that.

[NeuroTypical]

Why you little...

[Edelweiss]

I came here for emotional support, and now people are calling me a sinner. I cam here, hoping I could find someone who understands what I'm going through. Of course I'll forgive her, eventually.

Some of you, actually did help me, and made good points. I understand I shouldn't have bud in, but I'll tell you exactly what I sent her.

"(SIL), I know you wouldn't listen to my anger, but just think about this. What you're feeling right now is a high. It's temporary happiness. When I was 19, I was rebellious. Maybe not now, but I promise you're going to regret this. You may think this isn't the life for you, but you can't just run away from it all. You chose this. You made promises. Please don't run away from your family, (SIL). I've seen it happen way too much in my life. I'm not going to see it happen again. Please come back to (Name), (Name), & (Name). They love you. We all love you. What you've done is selfish. Being single is not what it's cracked up to be. The world is a horrible place. Family is where true happiness & safety is."

I know I shouldn't have sent anything at all, but what's done is done. What she did, didn't just affect her husband and children. It affected her entire family. It's ok to worry about family isn't it? Anyway, this will be my last post. I will go elsewhere, where I won't be judged by those in charge.

Thank You to those who gave me your advice, and didn't judge me. I was angry when I posted that yesterday.

[Guest]

I get venting in anger. I REALLY get in-law issues. I don't think anyone here was trying to judge you in the way you're feeling. By experience, taking someone else's actions so personally and letting their mistakes affect you so much only hurts you in the long run. It reads to me like people were trying to help you avoid that. I've let myself be hurt and resentful for 14 years against certain in-laws, and it hasn't changed anything. It's just hurt me.

I don't think you were wrong to send her one message expressing your love and concerns, but at this point the ball is in her court, and you only have control over yourself and how you'll support your brother and his children.

[Gargantuan]

Dear Edelweiss, Please don't give up on this site. Many people with diverse backgrounds and opinions who really need each other are members of LDS.net. We are all learning more how we can be a positive part of life. Sympathetic feelings are good to receive and you will from time to time from some of the good people that you will interact on the net, and then again, you may not receive any helpful thoughts. Life is like that and you won't always receive flowers after you ask for them, but it is up to you to gather the ones you want when they are ready. Gar Edited June 1, 2012 by Gargantuan
two words could be three

[Edelweiss]

Sounds like you're carrying around a sin greater than destroying a marriage. That's a pretty hefty burden to be carrying around - are you sure you can't do what's necessary to remove this burden from your soul?

I think she's right. Doesn't the world have enough people angry at other people for stuff that isn't any of their business? How come you're adding to it?

It doesn't really help to sit there and confess someone else's sins, you know... I think we're supposed to work on our own first...

I know it's been a while. I was coming back to delete my account, but apparently that's impossible. I was referring to this quote above me. That was extremely hurtful. How can I even want to come back when someone like that MODERATES the forums?

[Misshalfway]

I came here for emotional support, and now people are calling me a sinner. I cam here, hoping I could find someone who understands what I'm going through. Of course I'll forgive her, eventually.

Some of you, actually did help me, and made good points. I understand I shouldn't have bud in, but I'll tell you exactly what I sent her.

"(SIL), I know you wouldn't listen to my anger, but just think about this. What you're feeling right now is a high. It's temporary happiness. When I was 19, I was rebellious. Maybe not now, but I promise you're going to regret this. You may think this isn't the life for you, but you can't just run away from it all. You chose this. You made promises. Please don't run away from your family, (SIL). I've seen it happen way too much in my life. I'm not going to see it happen again. Please come back to (Name), (Name), & (Name). They love you. We all love you. What you've done is selfish. Being single is not what it's cracked up to be. The world is a horrible place. Family is where true happiness & safety is."

I know I shouldn't have sent anything at all, but what's done is done. What she did, didn't just affect her husband and children. It affected her entire family. It's ok to worry about family isn't it? Anyway, this will be my last post. I will go elsewhere, where I won't be judged by those in charge.

Thank You to those who gave me your advice, and didn't judge me. I was angry when I posted that yesterday.

One of my favorite pieces of advice came from a therapist a few years back. She said, "The second we start judging is the second we stop loving." She said it's impossible to judge and love at the same time. I've never forgotten that. And I try to apply it. It's never failed me.

As I watch people, in life and on these boards, it is always interesting to me when people immediately shame/correct/judge emotional responses. As if righteous people never experience emotions. Is that what people suppose? Or maybe it's just certain emotions that get all that distain. In my opinion, this is a misunderstanding of emotions, what they are for, and how righteousness refines them without suppressing them.

You were angry. Well, that is normal and understandable. Anger tends to follow pain. And you've just sustained a painful shock where people you love were hurt deeply. Why wouldn't you feel anger? The last thing you needed was to be shamed for it. And I think we can see that to be true judging by your reaction. It didn't help you move any closer to forgiveness or healing, did it?

What you really needed what to have your anger heard and validated. Anger is cool that way. When we listen to it...to the message it is sending us, it relaxes and we can move on to processing the deeper emotions of hurt, fear, and loss.

So, maybe what I'm saying is go ahead and feel angry about this situation. It's even ok to feel it intensely. The most important thing is NOT to be reactive with it. I think venting to a trusted someone or some other such safe arena is such a healthy thing to do. Have a good cry! A zesty game of racquetball! Blasting our anger at our enemies...not so much. Beat the pillow, not the person! Healthy people know this. They honor their emotions, listen to them, take this information to heart, and then let the emotions go. This is, of course, a process like the way we digest food. Telling ourselves a bunch of "should's and thou shalt nots" about emotions just isn't helpful or healthy. Our God is a process God. The way He creates...the way He teaches... it's all about process! Emotions and emotional growth ...it's no different.

OK. Enough of that stump speech. So sorry this happened. Relationships are so painful sometimes!!

Edited July 3, 2012 by Misshalfway