Son without a testimony

[kimzirker]

My son recently told me that he no longer has a testimony. He doesn't believe there is a God or that there's a heaven or hell. He says none of it makes any sense to him. He's 16 and he's been struggling for several years. Bishop knows and meets with him regularly. YM president knows as well and works with him too. My son loves both these men (as well as his seminary teacher) and has a deep respect for each. My son has a very poor relationship with his dad. (that's a long story-but you can 'read all about it' on the marriage advice forum pages if you want.) Of course, I bare my testimony to him often, pray, and fast and we have an extremely close relationship. He talks very openly with me. I can see that it hurts him to tell me this. But at this point, I just don't know what to do or say. Has anyone on here gone through this? Any advice?

[Dravin]

I haven't gone through it, but make sure he understands that his lack of testimony does not diminish your love for him. And not, "I love you despite this." but just "I love you." Advice beyond that? I'm afraid I don't really have any.

[kimzirker]

Thanks Dravin. He knows. I tell him everyday. We are very close. He wouldn't even question whether that'd change my love for him. And it doesn't. I'm just really at odds knowing what I could do differently to help him on his discovery. It's just a rough balancing act being a parent to teenagers. :)

[Backroads]

Focus on your own spirituality. Sometimes it seems a lack of faith on someone else means we did something wrong, or we are more prone to fail, or we were poor examples, and, and, and. It's his agency, his feelings, his situation, his faith. Love him just for who is, support him where you can, do not judge him. Then focus on your own testimony.

[Guest]

My husband left the Church at age 17. He started questioning everything and couldn't get satisfactory answers from Church leadership or his parents. At this time, his home was going through a really rough patch (don't want to have to get into it but parents were contemplating divorce, one sibling got put in juvie, another sibling ran off with a boyfriend, etc. etc.). It is really wierd because he went through a very spiritual time with his brother who was preparing to go on a mission. When his brother left for the MTC, he went the other way and left the church entirely.

Anyway, he went searching for 4 years - attended every Church his friends were going to, including a Hindu gathering, a Buddhist temple, a Jewish synagogue and a mosque. When we met, he attended Catholic services regularly - more regular than some of my Catholic friends even. But, before he asked me to marry him, he went back to the LDS Church. He said he has not found any other Church that has the complete gospel other than the LDS Church. He felt he can't get married until he "squared it up with God" first...

So, I'm saying, going through the fire is okay. What is important is that he does not lose sight of the consistent, diligent, honest search for truth in all things.

[kimzirker]

Thank you anatess. That's excellent advice. My husband and I are also having marital problems and the subject of divorce has come up more than once this past year. It's such a difficult time, but your story really stirred something up inside me. Thank you so much.

[TheStig]

I think the Plan of Salvation makes sense only through the Spirit.

[skippy740]

My son recently told me that he no longer has a testimony. He doesn't believe there is a God or that there's a heaven or hell. He says none of it makes any sense to him. He's 16 and he's been struggling for several years. Bishop knows and meets with him regularly. YM president knows as well and works with him too. My son loves both these men (as well as his seminary teacher) and has a deep respect for each. My son has a very poor relationship with his dad. (that's a long story-but you can 'read all about it' on the marriage advice forum pages if you want.) Of course, I bare my testimony to him often, pray, and fast and we have an extremely close relationship. He talks very openly with me. I can see that it hurts him to tell me this. But at this point, I just don't know what to do or say. Has anyone on here gone through this? Any advice?

Well, with the bolded statements, I hope we can rule out 'teenage rebellion'.

Help him search and clarify his own internal thoughts and beliefs. "Preaching" to him or at him probably won't help.

Ask questions like:

- "What is the purpose of life?"

- "What do you think happens to those who die?"

and other such questions.

Let him think through these things himself. If he answers with a gospel related answer, ask him if it's what he believes, or just what he's taught?

Help him search out his own answers. Then help him receive a spiritual confirmation - either 'for' or 'against'. That's part of D&C 9:7-9.

Now, through this process, it may be possible, that he'll feel led to another path. Support him on his spiritual quest - no matter where it leads him. You're still his mother, no matter what. :)

[RadioactiveWolfboy]

When my son was 16 he also stopped believing, and only went to church because I told him to come with us. I finally told him I wasn't going to force him to go and he stopped going. He now smokes and drinks and claims there is no God. If I had forced him to go though..I would be taking away his agency. I can relate to you. I only hope that one day my son will find his way back. My daughter stopped coming because she was molested for 7 years by a members son, also a member, and the family looks down at her because her and I got their son sent to jail for child molestation. So I can relate to the worry of a child who is inactive. I pray for them alot, and just continue to set the example living the gospel as best I can. I hope your son finds his way.

Rich

[Misshalfway]

My son recently told me that he no longer has a testimony. He doesn't believe there is a God or that there's a heaven or hell. He says none of it makes any sense to him. He's 16 and he's been struggling for several years. Bishop knows and meets with him regularly. YM president knows as well and works with him too. My son loves both these men (as well as his seminary teacher) and has a deep respect for each. My son has a very poor relationship with his dad. (that's a long story-but you can 'read all about it' on the marriage advice forum pages if you want.) Of course, I bare my testimony to him often, pray, and fast and we have an extremely close relationship. He talks very openly with me. I can see that it hurts him to tell me this. But at this point, I just don't know what to do or say. Has anyone on here gone through this? Any advice?

Hm. What would it feel like to let go and let God on this one?

When stuff like this happens with our kids, that parental mind goes crazy with fear, doesn't it? What about this? What about that? And then we transmit that fear to our kids! We do it out of love, of course. We try to preach to them, convince them, change them. But what tends to happen is a "fight or flight" response.....in both the parent and the kid.

What would it be like it he learned that it was Ok to question....that it was ok NOT to know? Of course, that might mean looking within to decide whether it is or isn't ok within yourself. That might be the harder work, eh?

What would it be like for your son to experience your interest and gentle curiosity, instead of your judgment ? What if God was more worried about your relationship with your son than your son's relationship with him just now? Everything has its time and season and maybe God is laying important foundation. Or maybe God knows that your son needs some time in the wilderness before he's all safe and warm in the promised land. Worked for Nephi. :)

It's normal to fear. But I'm convinced God isn't afraid. He told us to ask questions, right? And your son is so young. He has lots of time to either find or be found by God.

Instead, focus on building his character and his values... and your precious relationship with him. Some of the most atheistic people are some of the most moral and virtuous. I've met some of them right here on this very forum. They have been some of my most important teachers. Maybe your son, through his journeyings, can be a teacher for you. I guess what I am saying is that maybe what is staring you in the face isn't a catastrophe, but an opportunity in disguise.

[kimzirker]

Thank you Misshalfway. Just what I needed to hear. Well stated and I wholeheartedly agree. Just so hard to see a loved one turn from the one thing that gives you strength. So hard. But ok.

[mrmarklin]

I've been though this. When I was 16 I was essentially the same as your son.

I was able to get a testimony later on by learning to pray while I was on my mission. Did I mention that I only went on my mission to get out of the house? And because everyone expected it?

I was able to be turned because I don't think the things I was taught from childhood ever really died, and basically I wanted to live a good life.

I don't recommend sending non-believers on missions BTW.

Childhood teachings die hard, especially if the examples he grew up with live good lives, and are essentially happy people. Don't give up hope. Some of this is just your son's way of "finding" himself.

Edited May 31, 2012 by mrmarklin

[mrmarklin]

When my son was 16 he also stopped believing, and only went to church because I told him to come with us. I finally told him I wasn't going to force him to go and he stopped going. He now smokes and drinks and claims there is no God. If I had forced him to go though..I would be taking away his agency. I can relate to you. I only hope that one day my son will find his way back. My daughter stopped coming because she was molested for 7 years by a members son, also a member, and the family looks down at her because her and I got their son sent to jail for child molestation. So I can relate to the worry of a child who is inactive. I pray for them alot, and just continue to set the example living the gospel as best I can. I hope your son finds his way.

Rich

I disagree with some of this. At 16 the subject is not an adult, and is subject to house rules. Which in my parents house, and my own I may add, included going to church. There is no curtailment free agency involved, because the subject can always "move out".

One thing I do agree with is sending the miscreant who molested your daughter to jail.

[Guest]

I disagree with some of this. At 16 the subject is not an adult, and is subject to house rules. Which in my parents house, and my own I may add, included going to church. There is no curtailment free agency involved, because the subject can always "move out".

One thing I do agree with is sending the miscreant who molested your daughter to jail.

I see what you're saying here but I have a different take on the matter. Of course, these differences are just different parenting styles - no right or wrong method really.

In my understanding of American law, at age 16, a child can't move out unless he gets legally emancipated from you and that's a difficult process to get a court to approve. You can send them to someone else's house while you continue to provide for their care if you can find someone to take them, but he can't really just "move out" or you can't just "kick him out". He has the legal right to demand care from you and you have the legal right to force him to stay in your house. So, basically, you're both stuck.

So, it is better to just get that out of the equation and just face the realities of life until he turns 18 (some states have 17, I think) and you can have more teeth about legally kicking him out.

So, house rules... sure, going to Church can be a house rule just as much as going to school. Not going can be dealt with harsh consequences. School is easy. As we have witnessed in Texas, a child refusing to go to school can go to jail. But, if a child really hates school, forcing him to go there would be pointless. He's not going to learn anything. It is better to address the cause for such hatred and try to correct it. If in this process we find that he is just not thriving in school, then learning alternatives can be found - homeschooling, private instruction, etc. Same with Church. Find out what he hates about it and try to correct it. If he just don't want to go because he'd rather play football... eh, that's not good enough of a reason. But, if he refuses to go because it gives him negative feelings, then forcing him to go would just magnify that feeling and he'll be lost longer. It is better to find spiritual alternatives. In my case, I'll probably try sending him to the Catholic church my brother goes to and see how that goes. Or maybe do scripture studies instead of church. Help him find his own path.

[lizzy16]

It's great that he's told you. As someone else said, make sure he knows you love him. Even if he doesn't believe.

I skipped church one week and my dad told me to move out. "If you live in this house. you go to church with us!" He was soo angry, screaming and yelling ect.

If I told my parents my true thoughts about the church I have no idea how they'd react. I don't want to hurt them, nor do I want them to think of me differently.

People can be good people without being true believing Mormons.

[pooter1]

I know exactly how you feel. My son was born and raised in the church and left at 16.He has such a hatred for the church.this breaks my heart.we forced him to to church and he would throw chairs and start yelling at church.He didn't care what people thought of him.We finally left him at home on sundays.He is now 22 years old.On drugs.I have no idea what went wrong.I know the hurt you are feeling and the worry.I worry and pray every night for my son.My prayers are with you.Keep being an example for your son. My son moved out because he did not like our rules.We had the cops here all the time.Very embarrassing for two endowed members of the church who go to the temple regularly and church AND my husband was in the Bishobric.As much as I love my son it was also a blessing when he moved out.The holy ghost was not in our home.There was no peace in our home.Home was not where i wanted to be each night when I came home from work. All I know for you to do is pray pray pray and don't give hope.I still have hope for my son.

[kimzirker]

Thank you all for your input. I took misshalfway's advice and Took another approach. After much prayer and thought, I changed my attitude and my heart. I went from terrified to peaceful. It feels wonderful. I told him (with complete honest sincerity) that I was proud of him for questioning. I told him it was very mature of him to want to know the truth for himself. Afterall, I seem to recall stories of a certain 14 Yr old boy that did the same thing... The change that happened was immediate. And he was surprised and happy. He could tell I was being real. I told him that nothing he could do would ever change my love for him. (then likened how I have siblings that have left the church and he knows how much I love them.). He tested it out with a few surprising statements and let me just say we've been happy as pie ever since. :) (Not that he's bounding with testimony yet...haha) I think that with all the family trouble we have been having this past year, he just wanted to know that I'd love him no matter what direction he chose regarding religion, schools, career, girlfriends, etc. Great advice on this thread. Thank you all so very much.