Another 'would an lds girl date me' question

[dahlia]

My 35 yr old son went to church with me on Mother's Day. He already knew a few of the guys and met a few more. Interestingly, they are mostly about his age (we live in a college town) and are all married with kids. Of course they were all asking whether he was married, who was he dating, etc.

Although he isn't ready to join the Church, we have been talking about the Mormon idea of marriage, family, etc. All of this appeals to him. In fact, there are many things about the Church that appeal to him, but he's just not ready to be a member yet.

He is serious about looking for a wife and starting a family. He is getting a masters now and may go for the PhD (in a field that actually pays well and has jobs), so I think he would be a good catch.

We talked to the YSA missionaries, but they said he had to be <31. I want to try again with the YSA - they were supposed to at least put him on their email and never did. Maybe he can't be a member, but he can attend their events. Plus, he's in school, just like they are, so their social environment is the same, even though the he may be a bit older.

I'm saying all this to ask, if you were a nice YSA young woman, would you be interested in a guy who wasn't LDS, but wanted to get married, was sympathetic to the Church, had an LDS mother, and would let the children be baptized and raised in the Church?

[Dravin]

I'm a guy but I'm gonna respond to the underlying issue. It was extremely important for me to marry a temple worthy (and interested) LDS woman. Not all LDS are temple worthy and so it requires dating to figure that out (along with other important things), but someone who isn't LDS is automatically off the table. I don't have to date them to know they can't get married and sealed in the temple from the outgo.

I'm not the only person who feels that is extremely important (temple worthy and temple marriage aren't just about the marriage/sealing itself but other important aspects such as having shared faith and testimony fall under it's umbrella). And after a certain point one is dating for marriage and there isn't a point to dating someone where the potential for marriage isn't there. That the goal is a marriage to a temple worthy individual (among other things, once again temple worthy is not the only criteria that's important) is common enough thinking in the Church that he's going to be at a disadvantage in the LDS dating pool. For instance a recent conference address by President Monson reinforced temple marriage as a goal:

I plead with you to make a determination right here, right now, not to deviate from the path which will lead to our goal: eternal life with our Father in Heaven. Along that straight and true path there are other goals: missionary service, temple marriage, Church activity, scripture study, prayer, temple work. There are countless worthy goals to reach as we travel through life. Needed is our commitment to reach them.

Link: https://www.lds.org/general-conference/2010/10/the-three-rs-of-choice?

Edited June 2, 2012 by Dravin

[pam]

Whew...at first Dahlia I thought this was about you. I was going to say no way would I date you. You just aren't my type. :)

[Guest]

I agree with Dravin.

[beefche]

dahlia, there are LDS woman who would want such a guy. But, it's not likely that he would find them in a YSA ward. At 35 y/o, he's too old to attend the ward or the activities (most areas are pretty strict on the age limits). Further, even if he did attend the YSA ward or activities, my experience with most 20 something LDS women is that they want what Dravin pointed out.

Of course the best thing is for him to follow his momma and get baptized then endowed. But, if he isn't ready for that or is never ready for that, if he wants to marry an LDS woman, his best course of action (in my opinion) is to go to an online LDS dating site. There, he can state he isn't LDS and has no plans to become one and there will be women his age who would be willing to date or even marry him.

[dahlia]

Well, I talked to the elders (just happened to see them in the store) and my bishop and they seemed OK with his being on the email listserv and attending functions. Maybe because we are in a college town and he's a student, which is a big common denominator.

I was fortunate to hear Elder L. Tom Perry tonight and he spoke so well on family life; I wish my son had heard it (I'm gonna tell him about it, but it's not the same coming from your mother) as it might give him a reason to get serious about the Church, that is, if you want this kind of family life, you're going to have to consider joining the Church.

I will suggest the LDS dating sites. He dates a lot off of such sites, so it won't be new to him. The only thing I wonder about is, I was registered on one of those sites and saw guys who weren't LDS or were, but weren't active, etc. Why would they bother going on an LDS site? I joined because I wanted to meet a temple-worthy guy and enjoy a church-based married life. I couldn't figure out why those inactives, etc. were there.

[Wingnut]

dahlia, there are LDS woman who would want such a guy. But, it's not likely that he would find them in a YSA ward. At 35 y/o, he's too old to attend the ward or the activities (most areas are pretty strict on the age limits). Further, even if he did attend the YSA ward or activities, my experience with most 20 something LDS women is that they want what Dravin pointed out.

If he did attend YSA activities, many of the women there might be a little creeped out by a 35-year-old man attending those activities still. When I was 23, there were 32- and 33-year-old men who still attended some of our activities, and it was always a little awkward.

[lizzy16]

It's a shame theirs not more midsingles groups around. Hopefully the area has a few older YSA in it. Going to BYU-Idaho to a student ward we were mostly younger 17-23ish. When I realized one of my FHE brother was 27 I was kind of shocked. He seemed younger. My home teacher there was late 20's and it was quite awkward. In my ward he was 'the older guy....whats his name. OH. John" I'd hate to be over 25 and in a YSA ward.

When you reach YSA age, (and aren't going to a church school where attendance is mandatory to stay in college), I pretty much assume that they are their because they want to be and truly believe. That being said, finding a women in a YSA ward that would want to date a non-member seems slim. Unless the pickings there are slim.

Personally, with my level of belief&views at this point in time ect. I'm hoping to marry someone that was raised in the church, goes for social reasons but doesn't fully believe :) But, if I wasn't going to a church school, I wouldn't ever be in church.

Edited June 14, 2012 by lizzy16

[audreyII]

Yeah, it's unlikely he would have success in a YSA ward. I'm 25, and realistically speaking, I'm one of the older ones. The age limit technically goes up to 30, but there aren't many of them. (In my experience) And as pointed out, being able to be sealed in the temple is a HUGE deal. Also in my experience, YSA wards tend to have young single Mormons that are active and faithful, looking for just that - a temple marriage. (Which, let's be honest - that is why they are attending a YSA ward.) He might be able to find a less active young woman who would be willing to marry him. OR - perhaps a widow (a younger one, not a 70 year old) who has already been sealed? I don't know. Point being, a YSA ward is probably not the best place to look because of 1) the age difference and 2) the goals of the members of those wards.

[C_T_R]

Why would he want an LDS bride, and condone his children being baptized and raised in the church if he doesn't feel like he wants to become a member?

I worked for a Mormon psychologist who specialized in marriage and family counselling. It was a real eye-opener to me.. these people would come out of their sessions and want to keep talking.. so they talked to me! lol I learned a lot.

God is the most important thing in my life. The teachings of the Gospel are how I conduct my life, or try to. And while I don't think any.. ANY less of a guy for not wanting to convert, and while I think there are times in the past when I would have been open to it, I think it's such a huge part of who I am (the actual Gospel) and the direction I want to go in.. I mean my eternal perspective is one that is on my mind a great deal of the time.. I think it would divide us in some really substantial ways. I used to think it wouldn't.. that the two could be separate. But for how much this religion asks of you.. being with someone who doesn't feel the need to follow those same guidelines would be difficult.. You'd both be on two different playing fields trying to have a marriage. :-/ If I didn't believe it as strongly as I've come to, I'd say hook me up! That's just my opinion.

[Guest]

Why would he want an LDS bride, and condone his children being baptized and raised in the church if he doesn't feel like he wants to become a member?

.

There are tons of possibilities. Here's one:

Because he likes the Church and all that it stands for and the effect it has on people. He looks at the Church members as heroes and, like a little boy dreaming of being Superman's best friend, he dreams of having one of them bestow him with such honor as to be his wife.

But, with all the admiration he has for the Church and the people in it, he doesn't feel he is strong enough or worthy enough to be a hero. So, he is content to be Jimmy Olsen doing what he can to be Superman's ever loyal sidekick.

[C_T_R]

There are tons of possibilities. Here's one:

Because he likes the Church and all that it stands for and the effect it has on people. He looks at the Church members as heroes and, like a little boy dreaming of being Superman's best friend, he dreams of having one of them bestow him with such honor as to be his wife.

But, with all the admiration he has for the Church and the people in it, he doesn't feel he is strong enough or worthy enough to be a hero. So, he is content to be Jimmy Olsen doing what he can to be Superman's ever loyal sidekick.

You can't ask for what you can't offer. If you've not on the same page, and held to the same standard, it's just not what this member of the church would be looking for. If he was an exceptional guy who had strong faith in Jesus Christ, and lived by similar moral standards, then yeah, I could date him. I don't want a sidekick, I want a partner.. in a dating relationship and in a marriage.

Again, that's just my perspective.

Edited September 9, 2012 by C_T_R