Has any one been through postpartum depression?

[Ashcan]

I'm new here so I hope I'm posting in a good place.

I had my daughter 6 months ago and ever since I have suffered from severe postpartum depression. On top of that my husband officially resigned from the church, but that's for a different post when I'm ready to deal with that. I've recently been well enough to start going back to church. My bishop, who is also my father in law, knows what has been going on and has been trying to support me where he can. Unfortunately understanding postpartum is the one thing he can't do as hard as he may try.

I'm looking for advice from someone who can understand better. I feel so guilty about missing out on precious time with my daughter because I can't get enough motivation to be there for her. Medication makes me sleep all the time and causes me to miss out on moments of her life. Also when I do see her I cant help feel like she deserves better than me. I can't shake the guilty feeling that I've missed out on her life thus far. I cant help but question how my daughter or heavenly father can forgive me for missing out on so much and not appropriately appreciating this precious gift I have been given.

Do any moms out there know how I can better use the atonement to overcome this feeling? I feel so lost when talking to other moms in my wars. They all seem to have it together from day one and here I am at day 170 and I still can't get it together.

[Guest]

I have 4 times at varying degrees, and it usually hit hardest at 5 or 6 months. I never asked for medication. Maybe I should have. Well, with my second child, I definitely should have. I just kind of pushed through it until I felt better. Have you told your doctor about the sleepiness and apathy? And that you're still feeling guilty? Some of that is surely side effects of the meds, and some of it the meds should be helping with. You may need to try something else.

First, be assured that your tiny daughter adores you. I assume she's being fed, kept clean, and having her other basic needs met (if not, you definitely need to seek more help ASAP). She isn't measuring you by anything or anyone else. You are her mama and her world. She's not sitting there aware that you're not enjoying her infancy to the fullest. The truth is, I didn't like infancy all that much. Yes, they're adorable and I love them, but I found the first 6-9 months to be largely just a lot of muddling through without a lot of reward. She'll start opening up more and more, and it will be easier to enjoy the time. Especially if she isn't sleeping yet, this first part just isn't the most fun. Again, in my opinion.

Second, your Heavenly Father understands. He doesn't expect you to be a perfect parent out of the gate. He knows what you're going through, He knows that there is a chemical/hormonal component, and all He expects is that you do the best you can with what you have. Don't get into the trap of thinking "best" means "perfect". It doesn't. Some days your best will mean that you got out of bed, fed her when she was hungry, and changed her when she needed it. Other days your best will be doing all of that and taking her on a walk (which I recommend- please don't keep yourself cooped up. It only makes things worse.) and playing a game with her and really taking in her sweet face and voice and chubby little rolls. . . And the days will get better, and as you go along your best days will be better days more and more often.

Third, do not believe your perception of other mothers. We see each other all polished up for church. We see each other's houses all picked up for company. So rarely do we see each other in the days where we haven't managed to shower for 3 or 4 days, our families are eating corn dogs or chicken nuggets AGAIN, and the same loads of laundry have been on the couch for several days. Stop doing the woman thing where you compare your worst to someone else's best. Realize that a LOT of women struggle with PPD, but many never talk about it. It's easy to put up a veneer for 3 hours.

I feel for you. It's tough. Do remember to take whatever chances you can to get out of the house, with or without her. Take care of yourself as much as you can. Ask your FIL for Priesthood blessings. Love your husband in spite of his sad choices right now, and pray for yourself AND himself. Look- really look at your daughter whenever you remember to, and consider what a miracle she is. This too WILL pass.

[Bini]

They all seem to have it together from day one and here I am at day 170 and I still can't get it together.

I remember feeling the exact same way you do. Just remember, not everything is always as it seems. Regardless if these women do have "it" together, you're not alone, PPD is not uncommon. Unfortunately, PPD has a stigma tied to it and women are often not candid about their experiences.

I was diagnosed with PPD and had a horrible time. I won't hijack your thread but I share some of my own emotions during those times in the Shameful Vent thread. My daughter is only a couple months older than your child and I can attest that things do get better. I can also attest that being a mother is just plain hard. There are so many expectations on us and we so easily get caught up into believing we must meet every single one of those expectations. I was put on Wellbutrin for about a month. It did help regulate my emotions and I was able to get past the PPD funk I was in. I did not experience drowsy/zombie like side affects or weight gain on this drug. I was also able to stop taking it shortly after and I have been doing well since. On a spiritual note, maybe ask for a blessing from your FIL if you haven't already. Sounds like there are some other factors contributing to your overall well-being. A day at a time, focus on your health and your precious baby. Best of luck and feel free to shoot me a PM if you need to chat.

[Gwen]

Eowyn had a great response for you. Not sure I can do better but so you don't have only one response to a thread that is a cry for help and to know that there are more in the world that have been where you are.....

What medications have you tried? They all have different side effects. Lexapro worked great for me when I was suffering from postpartum depression. It is very hard. Recognizing it is the most important and sometimes the hardest part.

I didn't realize how bad mine was for a very long time. I knew I wasn't functioning like I should but just didn't see it. It was around 6 months when I had an experience that opened my eyes and sent me to the dr. It's not my proudest moment and I still sometimes feel guilty over it. I find myself questioning the damage the whole situation may have done that I'll never know. But getting caught up in all that keeps me from being here, now. Which is what my kids need. When I get caught up in those thoughts I try to remind myself that it's in Heavenly Father's hands, it was a long time ago, they were his kids first, he will take care of them. For all I know he gave me that experience to wake me up and seek out help before I did something that would cause real long term damage.

Remember that babies at that age have very short term memories and they are very forgiving. Get the help you need to be there now. What you do from today forward can make up for a lot of mistakes in the past.

No mom has it all together. If it looks like it from where you stand it just means that there is a lot you can't/don't see. I've had 5 and have ppl ask me all the time how I do it. I don't have it all together. I just don't stop. I try to do better today than I did yesterday. I know when to keep my personal business private and keep putting one foot in front of the other.

[Guest]

I went through it twice. Without medication. The first one because I was in denial that it was postpartum depression and my husband sure didn't even know that such a thing exists. The 2nd one because since I went through the first med free I figured I can go through it again and survive it.

Mine lasted about 7 months on the first and almost a year the 2nd time. Mine was the opposite of your reaction. My PPD caused me to fear that anybody touching my child is going to end up killing him, and that included my husband. So, you cannot separate me from my baby and I went psychotic if my husband takes the baby from me.

Anyway, the thing that got me through it is knowing what it is and being able to just muscle through it. My husband doesn't really "get" it either but he was willing to muscle right through with it as well.

My friend had her first child a few months before me. She went through a really severe case of PPD that she had to get admitted to some kind of a rehab place. She was seeing "demons" everywhere. It got so bad that she took off in the middle of the night and drove from Florida with every intention of making it to Utah to tell the Prophet that her husband and his mother are satanic. Her mother happened to catch her before she left and told her she will go with her to Utah so they can take turns driving. She was raving like a loon and her mother was able to just be the sounding board of her crazy ravings until she got exhausted and her mother got her convinced that maybe they should go back to Florida. Anyway, she got admitted to the rehab place after that. It broke her husband's heart because they had to trick her to get her to the rehab and she was screaming "Satan is taking me away from my baby!" as he took off from the rehab. Anyway, she stayed a few months, completely separated from her family. The child is now going on 12 and they're one of the closest mother and son I know.

So, no, I don't think the first few months of being apart from your child will hurt your relationship too much. The child will be with you for at least 18 years. You still have their formative years to be a part of. So yes, when you get past this, you have all those years to look forward to.

Hope this helps.

[Wingnut]

Medication makes me sleep all the time and causes me to miss out on moments of her life.

You can talk to your doctor about changing your medication. Most depression medications work the same way and have very similar chemical compositions, but each person's body interacts with each medication differently.

Do any moms out there know how I can better use the atonement to overcome this feeling?

I didn't have PPD after my first (that I noticed), but did after my second, who is only seven months old right now. I'm still taking Zoloft. I've struggled with mild (non-PP-related) depression in the past, and I didn't even think this time around to try applying the Atonement in relation to this struggle. I have taken advantage of modern medicine, but like Anatess, I kind-of have just "muscled through it." I think the fact that you're thinking this way and wanting to use the Atonement is an excellent start. I wish I'd thought of that five months ago.

[laydeebugg]

I really don't have anything to add that hasn't already been said-you've been given some great advice. :) I have two daughters & after my second was born I was miserable for months. I honesstly didn't even like-let alone love-my 2nd daughter until she was 6 mo old. She is now almost 5 and I absolutely adore her.

I really just want you to know that you are not alone. Read your scriptures-even if its just one verse-pray, and don't hesitate to ask for help!

[zombiemommy]

So I am not sure if you are still reading up on this post but I thought I'd add my two bits sense I am in the heat of PDD myself. This is my 4th baby and the first time I have ever really experienced it this bad. I love that all you expressed are things I too have felt. Its a nice reminder again that we aren't alone. One thing that has helped me through the past and now is something a councelor told me. She said that through times of trial we need to stop expecting so much of ourselves. That we need to start small. Start allowing yourself to feel proud of yourself for just getting out of bed and meeting the physical needs of your baby. Start acknowledging EVERY little thing you do each day and praise yourself for it. I started to feel better each day in realizing that even through all that I was going through I was always doing something and it made me want to do more as each day went on. We feel like failures when we compare or have such high expectations. Right now is a time to be gentle withourselves. The Lord is, Satan doesn't want us to feel good so he will use anything he can to take advantage of this time so build your wall of protection by reading scriptures, prayer and for me keeping yourldsradio songs playing all day helps me function better. The Lord sent his son to experience ALL pains of the earth. When we feel like our husbands don't get it, or friends don't HE does. Kneeling in prayer and expressing EVERY pain, guilty feeling, fear etc is the way we utilize the atonement.

O what peace we often forfeit,

O what needless pain we bear,

All because we do not carry,

Everything to God in prayer!

Now, its easy to say these things but putting it into action is the next step. Sometimes day by day, sometimes minute by minute we will survive by prayer!

Good Luck, your not alone.

(I have 4 kids all under 5, one who is autistic, and I am also in healing mode from my marriage falling apart. I'm trying to put the peices together while fighting PPD with a two month old, 2 yr old, 3 yr old and 5 yr old....WITH all the weight on my body (use to be skinny, had kids am now chubby) that keeps me even further in depression...but like the other reply said "This too shall Pass" )