New from the Inland Empire of California

[kartvines]

I have already posted on some of the forums but was not able to introduce myself.

I have just lost my wife of 34 years last month, forcing myself to take stock of my life and where it is headed, have not been to church in about 40 years, for more reasons I could list.

If you are interested I guess you can review some of my other posts.

I hope that my plan to attend next Sunday works out for me being last Sunday it didn't, I made it as far as the parking lot.

My wife was not a member but was a kind sweet woman who I am sure had a path to heaven and my goal is to now find mine, in hope to reconnect with her when I die, I am 62 years old currently so my time may be short, and I am lost without her being she was the person who got me this far in life, and was responsible for the person I am today, and improved version from the one she met 34 years ago.

[Windseeker]

I'm sorry for you loss. I like how you speak of your wife. Surely you loved her very much.

Good luck making it past the parking lot. I'm sure it's not easy. The ward I attend is filled with people who have returned after being inactive for large portions of their life. I'm sure you won't find yourself alone.

Welcome back.

[HEthePrimate]

(((Kartvines)))

I'm so sorry about your loss. I'm a widower myself, and know how much it hurts. The death of a loved one affects different people in different ways. For you, it seems to be nudging you do attend church, and hopefully some comfort there. For me, it almost knocked me out of the Church, wondering how God could let such a horrible thing happen. But in the months following my wife's death, a kind and scholarly friend of mine listened to me and talked with me for hours on end about religion, philosophy, and God, and even though he was not pressuring me to keep attending church, I came away from that with a better understanding of God's character, and a renewed sense of His love, despite all the pain I was feeling. Largely what it came down to was a more personal relationship with God, and a more honest one. Meaning that I came to realize that it's okay to have a real relationship with him, and express frustration, even anger, with him when necessary, as well as more pleasant feelings when appropriate. God is a Big Boy--he can handle the tough stuff, and the fact that He does is yet another reason to believe that he loves us.

Anyway, I didn't mean to wander off on a tangent.

My condolences to you, and I hope you'll know that you're not alone.

HEP

[LittleWyvern]

Welcome! I served my mission in the IE, and I can definitely say that there are plenty of wonderful and comforting people in the wards there. :)

[kartvines]

Thank you for the feed back, yes I loved my wife very much, as I still do. I have gotten angry at almost everybody, questioning why her and not me, I have done so many things that would make me so much more deserving to die instead, where as he was almost a saint in compassion. I am tortured of having to be the one to pull the plug because that is what she wanted and the watching her slowly die over two hours. Those are my demons to now bear.

Prior to her death we talked about going back to Church, but being she was not a member, and really didn't like strangers getting that close to her it never happened, but she was willing to give it a try just for me.

I had only 2 choices to make first return to the life I led before she got me straighted out, and to me it would be the same as saying it didn't matter, and all of her effort would have been for nothing , it would be the same as dishonoring her memory or try and continue improving myself, and being the church is the one I know, and still believe it, I choose that path.

I have not yet been successful in crossing the church's threshold yet, being I never got beyond being ordained a Priest, [before enlisting in the Navy right out of high school in 1968] and now at the age of 62 it makes me feel awkward about that.

Yes I am alone, our once home is now just a house I come home to, she was the one who brought joy into our household and made it a home. We have children and they have their own families, they try but they can never fill her void, and I would not burden them with that.

So that is my story in a nutshell, one step at a time and I hope it will be in the right directions. She was my rudder in life and now my ship of life has a broken mast floating aimlessly, missing her in every way possible

(((Kartvines)))

I'm so sorry about your loss. I'm a widower myself, and know how much it hurts. The death of a loved one affects different people in different ways. For you, it seems to be nudging you do attend church, and hopefully some comfort there. For me, it almost knocked me out of the Church, wondering how God could let such a horrible thing happen. But in the months following my wife's death, a kind and scholarly friend of mine listened to me and talked with me for hours on end about religion, philosophy, and God, and even though he was not pressuring me to keep attending church, I came away from that with a better understanding of God's character, and a renewed sense of His love, despite all the pain I was feeling. Largely what it came down to was a more personal relationship with God, and a more honest one. Meaning that I came to realize that it's okay to have a real relationship with him, and express frustration, even anger, with him when necessary, as well as more pleasant feelings when appropriate. God is a Big Boy--he can handle the tough stuff, and the fact that He does is yet another reason to believe that he loves us.

Anyway, I didn't mean to wander off on a tangent.

My condolences to you, and I hope you'll know that you're not alone.

HEP

[Vort]

You have my sincere sympathies. Please come home and get to know your Church ward family.

[Leah]

You have my sincere sympathies. Please come home and get to know your Church ward family.

I love how Vort put this.

I was widowed three years ago, so I have an inkling of your pain.

I think Vort put it beautifully. It's time to come home. You will find a loving family there, and answers and comfort for your grief.

[kartvines]

Thank you for the feedback, I have my first [maybe my last, being I am not much of a talker] appointment this morning for counseling to discuss my grief and hopefully it allow me to take the steps I need to and in the right direction

[Leah]

Thank you for the feedback, I have my first [maybe my last, being I am not much of a talker] appointment this morning for counseling to discuss my grief and hopefully it allow me to take the steps I need to and in the right direction

That sounds like a very good step.

I also found it helpful to attend a grief support group. While others may be sympathetic, there is something especially helpful about being able to talk to others who have experienced the same kind of loss. No one really knows what it feels like to lose a spouse, other than those who have gone through it themselves.

[kartvines]

Well I just got back for having a intake so they can determine my needs and will see a professional in Aug, so hopefully that will put me on the right path. Only time will tell

I am not a joiner so the group thing is out of the question

That sounds like a very good step.

I also found it helpful to attend a grief support group. While others may be sympathetic, there is something especially helpful about being able to talk to others who have experienced the same kind of loss. No one really knows what it feels like to lose a spouse, other than those who have gone through it themselves.

[Leah]

Well I just got back for having a intake so they can determine my needs and will see a professional in Aug, so hopefully that will put me on the right path. Only time will tell

I am not a joiner so the group thing is out of the question

I never was a joiner, either, but sometimes we need to push ourselves or reach take the label off ourselves in order to move forward and find a better place. The support can be greatly healing.

[kartvines]

I never was a joiner, either, but sometimes we need to push ourselves or reach take the label off ourselves in order to move forward and find a better place. The support can be greatly healing.

Thank you for the feed back, I hope the church becomes that group that will start the healing process.

[Arnolt]

I have already posted on some of the forums but was not able to introduce myself.

I have just lost my wife of 34 years last month, forcing myself to take stock of my life and where it is headed, have not been to church in about 40 years, for more reasons I could list.

If you are interested I guess you can review some of my other posts.

I hope that my plan to attend next Sunday works out for me being last Sunday it didn't, I made it as far as the parking lot.

My wife was not a member but was a kind sweet woman who I am sure had a path to heaven and my goal is to now find mine, in hope to reconnect with her when I die, I am 62 years old currently so my time may be short, and I am lost without her being she was the person who got me this far in life, and was responsible for the person I am today, and improved version from the one she met 34 years ago.

Trust in God. Believe in Him. And you'll find her again. The rest, "beyond" the parking lot, might be important as well, but your everlasting love to her and to the Allmighty counts.

Edited June 21, 2012 by Arnolt

[kartvines]

For what it is worth I got beyond the parking lot today , things have really change since my last Priesthood meeting etc. 44 years ago, didn't hate but again I was not as conformable as I hope I would be, of course nobody judged me but I felt as if I was a fish out of water, I really hope it gets better, because it feels as if I am drowning in grief, not as if I thought attending Church would solve my grief, I had hoped it would give me a tiny sense of comfort, I understand it is too soon and this is the cross I must bear, but being I posted about it I merely wanted to follow up.

It didn't help to have to pass the cemetery where I buried my wife on the trip there, and that is where I ended up after the services today as usual.

[Leah]

For what it is worth I got beyond the parking lot today , things have really change since my last Priesthood meeting etc. 44 years ago, didn't hate but again I was not as conformable as I hope I would be, of course nobody judged me but I felt as if I was a fish out of water, I really hope it gets better, because it feels as if I am drowning in grief, not as if I thought attending Church would solve my grief, I had hoped it would give me a tiny sense of comfort, I understand it is too soon and this is the cross I must bear, but being I posted about it I merely wanted to follow up.

It didn't help to have to pass the cemetery where I buried my wife on the trip there, and that is where I ended up after the services today as usual.

Good for you! That's a huge step for you and I know it will only lead to better things and to healing in your grief. I am not saying the grief will magically go away. I got/get frustrated with people who are impatient for those grieving to "get over it". The truth is...you don't "get over" it...you just learn to live with it and to go on. You never stop missing your wife. The pain just softens and gets easier to live with. I think we do a disservice to ourselves when we also get impatient with ourselves to "get over" it. Give yourself time to heal. I am not saying just sit around and wallow in it...and I doubt that you do...I am just saying that you have to feel it and go through it, in order to move forward. You will always miss her, but the pain does get easier.

I was widowed before I joined the Church. I was Jewish, so I sat shiva the first week, and moved through the ritual mourning stages from there. Those rituals were a blessing for me, as they recognized the stages of grief that do exist. I remember thinking - particularly during that week of sitting shiva - that I could not possibly bear the grief. That it would kill me. But I did survive.

It has been almost three years now (which seems impossible!) and I do still miss him.....but I also experience true joy in my life, as well. I would not have that joy had I not found the Church (actually, the Church found me!) and I can guarantee you that if you keep going to church and keep drawing closer to Heavenly Father....you will also have joy in your life again.

[kartvines]

Thank you, please understand I don't want to get over the grief, it seem as if I did it would be the same as erasing her from my life, I just want to pain to dull a bit, no I will never forget now want to forget Carolyn, if I did I would retreat to my past life, doing so would benefit no one especially our children [adults].

I could truly do with some joy in my life currently, so much for my whine for the day.....