My Husband is Breaking his Covenants....


natsumi
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Guest SquidMom

And by all means, stop working, cleaning, and whatever else. You'll be single again very quickly. But you do not HAVE to, you choose to because you love your family, I assume, and WANT to take care of them and help them be happy. There is nothing wrong with doing and helping eachother out of love.

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Thank you, VORT

It is obvious that you are male and have never been, or are close to anyone who has ever been, in a dominatiing relationship where one person expected all and gave nothing back. I have very a close friend who has suffered greatly because of the attitude of "you're supposed to, even if it is not pleasing to you." Thankfully, she finally decided not to put up with it anymore and is VERY happily divorced.

As for my poor husband that you feel so sorry for, he is very satisfied with our intimacy. In fact it's usually HE who turns ME down. And you know what? I say "OKAY." Because we do respect eachother. If I have terrible breath, or smell bad from working in the yard or something, he kisses me quickly and says " You smell." I'm okay with that.

I notice you pointedly refuse to answer any of the questions I asked or the points I raised. I wonder why?

(P.S. I don't really wonder why.)

(P.P.S. I am glad it's obvious I'm male. Being male is a wonderful and glorious thing, something I am quite happy about.)

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Just as it's important for both spouses to consider the sexual needs of the other, I also think "loving and caring" for spouse includes dealing with sex when it's difficult. Sex is challenging for most couples. And the reason's it's challenging changes. Maybe it's hard for her to get an orgasm in the first 10 years. In the last 10, he can't get an erection.

Meeting each others needs is a two way street. And when one need overpowers all the other needs (like needing a orgasm), something is wrong.

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Guest SquidMom

You want answers? I feel that gratifying the physical needs of your spouse should also be gratifying to you. It should be done out of courtesy or obligation. It should be done for love, not to avoid being made to feel guilty for not doing it.

[ his wife things that is "subjugation" and "obligation to put out"?]

No. Not if it is a request. I was referring the a situation where it is EXPECTED, as in the spouse will be made to feel that to refuse (for whatever reason) will make them an inadequate spous, not fulfiling their role.

[i hope you are somehow caught up in a momentary feminist, man-hating dark fantasy of the meaning of married sex, ]

My husband read that and couldn't stop laughing. I like men and sex just fine.

[ Do you think it's wrong for a man to feel the need or even the obligation to go kiss and hug his wife when he gets home from work and tell her that he loves her, even if he's not in the mood and thinks she kind of smells bad and needs a shower?]

No. I think it is unfortunate that you would describe kissing or hugging your spouse as an obligation. There are times when I feel claustrophobic and literally cringe at physical contact. He respects that.

[That you would use the term "give it up" to describe what should be one of the most holy and beautiful of marital activities betrays a decidedly unhealthy and negative attitude toward sex, I fear.]

I'm sorry if that offended your delicate sensibilties. I was trying to keep it short.

[if you really feel this way, then I hope you never, ever, ever expect your husband to treat you with kindness or tenderness unless he happens to be feeling kind and tender at the particular moment. After all, you would not want him to feel wrongly obligated.]

While I WAS only speaking of the sexual aspect, (and I'm sure you know that), I'll answer your totally inappropriate jab anyway. It is very infrequent that either of us are NOT feeling warm fuzzies for eachother. I think alot of people, even if very rarely, are sometimes not in the mindset to be overly affectionate. That should be respected, as everyone is entitled their space now and then.

[so if I don't feel like earning a living for my family or picking up my dirty socks, I certainly should not do so. Or does that rule only apply to women and sex?]

I think you know I WAS only referring to men/ women and sex.

[A husband asking his wife for sex when she's not in the mood is rape. ]

I said nothing about asking. I said expecting, or requiring. There is a very big difference.

[i am truly sorry for your husband.]

I think that comment was particularly uncalled for. The rules of this website prohibit me from saying what my husband thought of it. Something about being a pompous......

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There is a major difference between a relationship where one person is always giving and where both are giving equally. I highly doubt Vort is meaning to say that one individual should always give without ever getting anything from their spouse in return. There is absolutely nothing wrong with serving out of a sense of duty, so long as the give and take of the relationship remains equal and is not overbearing on either side.

Don't we treat our church/gospel related actions in much the same way? Certainly it is better to serve out of love, to pray and pay our tithing and anything else the Lord asks us to do because we want to. But sometimes, we really just don't want to. Whether it's the pull of the natural man or whether we're just worn out and tired from everything we're asked to bear, there are times for each of us where we just don't want to do what God has asked of us. Does that mean we shouldn't? No. This is where duty comes in. If you've made a covenant with the Lord, you have a duty to keep it, even when you don't want to. Even when you don't feel the love. Even when it is hard.

I think that marriage is where we learn the most about ourselves and our position with our Savior, because this is where we get to experience both the best and the worst. This is where we must find it in ourselves to exercise the ultimate selflessness and give our all to another- and hopefully our spouse does the same in return. This covers every aspect of marriage, and as long as nobody is taking advantage of the other's selfless giving and is in turn doing what they can to selflessly give, I think we can serve out of both love and duty. And doing so will make the marriage stronger, just as continuing to hold ourselves to our covenants with God when times are hard and we don't want to makes us stronger.

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To Squidmom: (Sorry to everyone else, it seems we are all replying to her and I didn't have time to read everyone's remarks. I am merely just responding to clarify - which seems to clear up some of the misunderstandings)

My husband serves me in the most medial tasks. He will stop doing whatever he is doing to get my glasses that are just outside my reach, or bring me a drink, or a kleenex, or whatever I desire - even if it were just as easy for me to get up and do so. He does these things because he loves to serve me. I do things for him because I love to serve him. If you misunderstood when I said that I feel it is my duty to serve him as a wife that I meant sexually - then you are mistaken. I do feel a sense of duty to please him in many ways - by making sure my house is clean, his laundry is folded, a hot dinner is ready when he gets home from work, and he is able to relax upon getting home.

To clairfy a bit more: I live in the United States, AND I'm 24 years old. Farily young to have such "Old Fashioned" values and looks on life. Yes, I do seem to fit more of a "50's" wife or something like that. But, I don't really care! I like it this way! I enjoy having these tasks which make me feel accomplished as a housewife and a wife! Does this mean I "put out" as you put it to my husband whenever he feels like it? Um, no. (That would seem rather silly!) He values me and loves me and most of all, respects me. It may not seem so with his problem that he has - but I do know that he does (especially in the bedroom respect). There are many times that I've said no, had to say no, or had to stop because of problems that I have. He respects that, and he loves me for it. Any man that would continue with sexual relations with a woman who was truly unwilling (Married or not) does not love her, respect her, and yes it is wrong. My husband never forces me to do anything. And to be clear: I do not have sex with my husband because of some "obligation" I do it because I love him, I care for him, and because it is a sacred act because a husband and a wife.

Of what I did read on some of the other responses, I tend to agree with what has been posted. This is not a "duty to service" in a sexual nature, but obviously a wife AND a husband have the duty to service each other mentally, physically, and spiritually in their marriage to care for one another and love each other as the Lord has asked us to do. They are your eternal companions. I'd want no other in this mortal life to have such an enlisted duty than my husband. And I'd want no one else besides myself to carry the task for my husband. You and I have very different views on our marriage, but I am glad that yours has been a happy 8 years. I wish you many more.

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Thank you for your advice. I haven't actually said anything to him or nagged him at all. This is only the first full day after his confession to me. So far, we've gone on like any other normal day. I know it's not easy and I know that I cannot force him to just resolve his issues. Only he can do that. I am just hoping for some advice on how to go to him about getting help or approach him to let him know that he needs to address this serious issue without making him feel like he's a horrible person. I am not trying to condemn him or take away his recommend + priesthoods + sacrament (because that obviously didn't work and that's not my call) I am his wife, my duty is to service him but I am unsure how to service him at this point when our issues - while similiar - are seperate and need seperate treatment.

For further clarification, here is the ORIGINAL of when I said "I am his wife, my duty is to service him" Where in the WORLD someone got sex out of this - when clearly it seems that here I am talking about getting him treatment and help....I am unsure. But, now that we can be clear, no one said that I'm on my knees everytime he wants me to be.

And for even further reference, this quote can be found on Page 2 of this thread, the very first post (in case you want to read the entire thing).

Edited by natsumi
quoting;reference
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For further clarification, here is the ORIGINAL of when I said "I am his wife, my duty is to service him" Where in the WORLD someone got sex out of this - when clearly it seems that here I am talking about getting him treatment and help....I am unsure. But, now that we can be clear, no one said that I'm on my knees everytime he wants me to be.

And for even further reference, this quote can be found on Page 2 of this thread, the very first post (in case you want to read the entire thing).

Perhaps a better word would have been to serve him instead of service him. When you use the word service him, it does come off with sexual connotations.

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Well, it is kind of hard to change the past. However, in context - it did make sense that I was talking about treatment. Since, it does say in that same sentence I say I am not sure how since our issues are different and need different treatment. Moreso, I had asked for advice on how to approach getting him help that wouldn't seem like nagging - not for sexual ideas and perverse suggestions. No one took my sentence like this in fact. Everyone that responded in the way that was on the sexual nature side stated clearly, "I don't know where you originally said" or "I can't find the original post" they were merely taking the quote from another poster who had only quoted "I am his wife and it is my duty to service him" and said, "I really hope you don't feel this way". (Which happened on page 4, so people who had not been around, could have easily jumped on the bandwagon that service = bedroom service) I am still on the firm ground that if you would have read the entire post or some of the posts even around it you would clearly know that I was not in any way talking about my bedroom life. This topic of "sex" did not even come up until page 5 I believe when someone posted about how I need to up the excitement so my husband doesn't turn away from me and that masturbation and viewing pornography wasn't a sin, because the law of chasity wasn't exactly clear enough on those statements for said commenter.

I, of course, don't believe that I should have to construe my sexual life all over this thread to get my point across. In fact, I don't know why any dignified person would come to expose their married sexual life. I think that I agree with Vort who said it's sacred in a marriage. I have ranted off a few pieces because the backlash from this post that seemingly says that I'm some kind of rapist's-wife is ridiculous. Or that I just lie there sobbing while my husband disrespects me and humps away at my corpse. I have not intended this thread to paint my husband in a bad light. I was here simply to get advice. (Most of which, in the beginning, was very useful). Although my husband is ill and needs serious help, he is a good husband. I will repeat once more just for emphasis, I did not come here to tarnish my husband or to "bash" on my husband for being an addict. I came for support and advice.

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This topic of "sex" did not even come up until page 5 I believe when someone posted about how I need to up the excitement so my husband doesn't turn away from me and that masturbation and viewing pornography wasn't a sin, because the law of chasity wasn't exactly clear enough on those statements for said commenter.

Actually you brought up the subject of sex in your OP when you stated:

Come to find out, last night we were intimate and he could not finish. I knew from previous experience that meant that he had pleasured himself earilier in the day.

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Guest SquidMom

I apologize. I certainly did not mean to offend you. I admit I did come in late on this and missed the oringinal post when I was looking for it. I'm afriad it just really struck with me becuase someone I am very close to was married to someone who mistreated her in exactly the disgusting manner you described for nearly 10 years. Even her bishop told her to 'deal with it' because she was 'obligated' to 'provide' in that area. The red haze went up and I became very defensive over it. Sorry.

Edited by SquidMom
rephrasing for clarification
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Pam: Ok, so sex brought up in a manner that was not "tactful" let's put it that way. In no way in my OP did I make that experience the center of this thread.

Squidmom: It is okay, this is why I clarified for you. I am not offended, just flustered that a post where I have been asking for advice seems to have flared up to this. Perhaps my quest for suppose has been misguided.

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This thread has been going awhile, it's so easy for things to take on a life of their own. I hope things are improving for you and your husband.

Even threads that have been going for 5 minutes take on a life of their own. :lol:

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