the bomb was dropped


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I have been happily married for almost 10 years in the temple, or so I thought. A week ago to the day I walked in the room to find my husband talking on the phone. When he saw me he turned red, so I asked who he was talking to. He told me "a friend" and tried to shoo me out of the room. I asked again and he then gave me a name and told me he'd be right out. I told him later that was strange and he agreed.

Two days later, he was acting funny, said he wasn't hungry for dinner and was going to go lay on the couch. Not 10 min later, he jumps up runs upstairs and says he's going to Michaels. Ok, my husband hates the store, let alone a craft store. An hour and a half later, he was not answering his phone or text. The thought came to my mind to check our phone log. Sure enough, he spoke to the same "friend" for 6 min before leaving the house. I drove up to Michaels knowing he wouldn't be there. Drove back home and called again, now 2 hours later. This time he answered, but was quiet. He told me he got hungry and decided to get a "bite to eat afterall." I responded "are you alone?" He told me no. I knew immediately what was going on, but not the extent of it.

He rushed home and met me on the lawn and told me he met someone at work and she wants to marry him and he wants to marry her. He told me "you're my best friend and I love you, but I don't want to be with you anymore." What!!??

He has told me to not talk to anyone, go to an attorney with him and file and that he's not going to move out of our house until it is final to make a judge see that he's not abandoning his children (8 & 5). In the meantime he has told me to pretend we're not married, don't ask what he's doing or try to talk to him.

I know who she is by name and want oh so badly to call his work in Provo and tell HR, his boss or someone that he's having an affair with the girl that sits next to him.

I went against his will to our 1st counselor in the bishopric because the bishop was out of town and I didn't have the stake president's phone number. He is now angry that I'm going to "his priesthood leaders" and insists he's done nothing wrong because he has not had physical contact with her. Going to dinner, going on a hike for 10 hours and talking of marriage don't count as things done wrong I suppose.

I'm so frustrated, hurt, angry, sad, and betrayed. I don't want a divorce. He says he's made up his mind and no counseling. He tells me we are two different people. He sites that when we do go hiking I don't keep up, our house (very neat and clean home) is not neat enough and that I don't intellectually stimulate him. This is frustrating especially knowing that the girl is 23 (he's 36 and I am 33).

I know he's not happy in his job, he's underemployed and making squat compared to what he has made in the past. I wonder if this is not a mid-life crisis that he will snap out of. I am at a loss. This is not the man I have been married to and I want that one back. He decided to tell our 8 year old daughter about this yesterday before dropping her off to piano lessons. I didn't know he had done it until I picked her up. He told me later that she handled it well. Bologna! She cried for two hours when I picked her up.

She told me she wanted a blessing and insisted she speak with the bishop that night. Since my husband was still gone, I scheduled to take her to the church at 7:30. He arrived home at 7. I told him that she had asked for a blessing and I had asked bishop and 1st counselor to do it. He asked, "what, you don't think I'm worthy?" I told him I questioned it. He told me he thought he was, but didn't want to discuss it with me. I offered for him to take her to the church and he did. According to my daughter he did not talk to them though.

This is me venting. I don't know what to do. I keep thinking I want to wait it out and make him miserable by having to wait. He always makes me fill in paperwork. I'm thinking to just wait and have him do the paperwork and go from there. I just keep praying for a change of heart/mind and to pull him out of the trance he is in. He told me he prayed about it and felt like he could leave if it would make him happy. I'm sorry, but I don't know that is possible. How do you go from being the ward clerk and having other similar callings to this?!

Thank you for words of wisdom. My strength is weak!

Edited by momoftwo
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Wait... He wants you to 'pretend you're not married' and he doesn't want to move out of the house?

Why does he get to dictate the terms of this?

He's being utterly unreasonable, though he can claim he's being reasonable all he wants. He's being a colossal jerk. In fact, the only real word for him is 'cad', and I don't break out early twentieth century slang lightly.

Couple of things: Don't let him bait you and don't get angry. Carefully arrange where you'll be living after the divorce, if it gets that far.

IMPORTANT: Look at all your finances to make sure he isn't moving money around to shelter it from you and your daughter during the divorce. Some men do this during the build up and that really hurts their wives. It is vital that you look at the finances very carefully from the last few months. This will protect you and your daughter.

Carefully inform him that he is having an affair with a woman just a few years over half his age and that you won't be in the same house as him, nor will you allow your daughter to as you don't want your daughter to think this is an appropriate way to treat your wife.

Tell him you've found a place and you'll be moving there with your daughter.

He will try to pick a fight. He will say you're using your daughter as a club to hurt him. Don't let him bait you. Inform him tersely that you are protecting your daughter from thinking it would be okay for her husband to do this to her. When he tries to argue the point, inform him that you aren't going to talk about it while he's demanding that you handle the affair on his terms.

Then leave. You should also inform the girl he's having an affair with that the man was married, but that when you heard that he was having an affair you left and thought she should know. Let her know you don't blame her as she wasn't the one married to you, but that you want to make sure she has her eyes wide open in this relationship and can make her own decision.

This won't be easy, but it will protect your daughter and protect you from what he's doing.

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The girl he's having the affair with knows he's married. I have tried to call but he has instructed her not to answer. He says she's a "good Mormon girl". My reply was that good mormon girls don't date married men. So far our 5 yr old son is clueless...thank goodness! I spoke to an attorney for consult. He told me I will get the house. My husband says that's fine, he doesnt want it. I will check finances. I will be going on vacation with our kids in a little over a week for two weeks to visit my family. It's been planned since Feb And I need an emotional break! Thank you

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Hello, momoftwo;

What a horrible and difficult situation to be in! I can only imagine the pain and loss you must be going through. I appreciate the courage it took for you to share this awful situation you've found yourself in here on lds net.....My heart goes out to you. I hesitate to offer any advice out of fear I may say something hurtful or insensitive. Please know what I'm going to say is said with the best of intent to offer friendship and support at this difficult time.

Just so you know a little about me, I've been married for several years now to a wonderfully loving man. His spirit is pure and he is very faithful to me and I know he will always be. However, it would devastate me if he did decide to be unfaithful and leave me.

Before I was married, I was involved in some relationships that were very exploitive in an emotional way. I've thought long and hard in the past (before I was married) what I would do if I found my husband cheating on me. Very simply, I would allow him his agency to either leave his lover or divorce me. What I'm trying to say to you is to let your husband go...if this is what he really wants....Don't try to make it more difficult for him out of spite.....This doesn't mean for you to not do what is in the best interest for you and your children financially/emotionally/physically/spiritually. If your husband is truly the cad who will take all he can get while leaving his/your marriage, be sure to watch your back and defend what is rightfully yours and your children's

What I was trying to say before is try to retain your dignity and self-respect by striving for a Christ-like attitude throughout this horrible storm in your life. Just because he has chosen to stop loving you doesn't mean you are not loved or worthy of love. It's not your fault he has chosen to commit emotional adultery. It's his loss, not yours. Think of the eternal consequences/ramifications of his choices in this. Leave vengeance in God's hands. As I write this a section in the Doctrine and Covenants comes to mind. It is Doctrine and Covenants section 42. Please read it when you get a chance. It outlines the seriousness of adultery and the stiff consequences that come as a result of doing this. Realize your husband is not exempt from these consequences.

Meanwhile, focus on taking care of yourself and your children. Work towards healing (I realize you will probably go through a process of grief in dealing with this) and forgiveness. Know how much worth and value you have in God's eyes....and that he is pleased with you. I pity the man/woman at the receiving end of God's justice. I find it easier myself to go to Him to work through the act of forgiving others. I have been really going through a process of forgiving others and letting go of "the arm of flesh" while trusting in God first.....It's wondrous to feel His love and healing in letting go of the hurt caused by others in my life.....I'm hoping you will turn to Him to get through the pain/sorrow/loss your husband is bringing to you now.

Best of wishes in your journey.

Dove

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Change the locks on ALL the doors before you leave and do NOT give him a key.

Move all the money out of your joint accounts into account(s) that are ONLY in your name, preferably at a different bank. Gather together all of you important papers: Insurance, marriage certificate, banking papers(mortgage, car, etc.). Give him copies of the ones that he needs, such as the contract on the vehicle he is driving. Notify your neighbors that you and hubby have separated, that you are going to your folks for some rest, loving support and that if he shows up to 1. Call the local police, and alert them to a trespasser. 2. Call you.

Keep your Bishop appraised of what is happening. He is there for you and your children. If he balks, then ask him wasn't he given the Mantle of Stewardship over you? His answer had better be Yes.

If it was me, I would go to her parents and ask them if they are aware that she is romantically involved with your husband. Also if it was me, I would NOT want him back. I would file for divorcee and for child support. I would find me the coldest, snakiest divorce lawyer around and hock my wedding rings, family heirloom silver to pay the retainer!

When you get back from vacation, get yourself a job if you are not already employed. Don't date, don't even meet any gentleman at public places, let alone your home. You are still married, act like it.

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Protect yourself and your children!!!!!

He doesn't get to dictate what you do. He never did have that right and now he doesn't even deserve to have what he wants considered. Do what is best for you and your two children.

He may want the judge to think he hasn't abandoned his children, but he did worse. He told a 8yo he was abandoning her and alone where she had no support. That's just cruel.

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Listen to what everyone else here has said. Take all the legal and financial steps to protect yourself and the kids. He may still be your kids' father, but right now he does not get to live in the family home. He can find another place to crash, and he is also perfectly welcome to start building up his own finances for his "new family"--he doesn't need your share.

You may not want a divorce, but with him acting like this it is not healthy or safe for you to be the pleading little wife. He's probably counting on that.

If this is a midlife crisis, you can't ease him through it. Maybe he'll be happy with this girl or maybe he'll wind up failing that relationship. But he can't have you and your resources as Plan B.

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Wait... He wants you to 'pretend you're not married' and he doesn't want to move out of the house?

Why does he get to dictate the terms of this?

He's being utterly unreasonable, though he can claim he's being reasonable all he wants. He's being a colossal jerk. In fact, the only real word for him is 'cad', and I don't break out early twentieth century slang lightly.

Couple of things: Don't let him bait you and don't get angry. Carefully arrange where you'll be living after the divorce, if it gets that far.

IMPORTANT: Look at all your finances to make sure he isn't moving money around to shelter it from you and your daughter during the divorce. Some men do this during the build up and that really hurts their wives. It is vital that you look at the finances very carefully from the last few months. This will protect you and your daughter.

Carefully inform him that he is having an affair with a woman just a few years over half his age and that you won't be in the same house as him, nor will you allow your daughter to as you don't want your daughter to think this is an appropriate way to treat your wife.

Tell him you've found a place and you'll be moving there with your daughter.

He will try to pick a fight. He will say you're using your daughter as a club to hurt him. Don't let him bait you. Inform him tersely that you are protecting your daughter from thinking it would be okay for her husband to do this to her. When he tries to argue the point, inform him that you aren't going to talk about it while he's demanding that you handle the affair on his terms.

Then leave. You should also inform the girl he's having an affair with that the man was married, but that when you heard that he was having an affair you left and thought she should know. Let her know you don't blame her as she wasn't the one married to you, but that you want to make sure she has her eyes wide open in this relationship and can make her own decision.

This won't be easy, but it will protect your daughter and protect you from what he's doing.

Wow. Your husband is a real prince!

I love this post by Funkytown....but with one adjustment.

I think you should get mad! Not in a way that indulges attacks or plays into husband's manipulations. The kind that helps you find your strength and your boundaries. Anger is a great friend in times like this. It offers temporary power when the rest of us wants to curl in a ball. So, lean on it! Just until other strength emerges from the ashes.

Having said that... I can only imagine how you must be feeling. It must feel like a private hiroshima. I'm sending you all the female strength energy I can. The energy from all the women of all the ages who know this kind of pain. And a few angels too. The ones who know how badly this hurts....and the ones who can help you carry all the parts of it.

I hope that you husband will wake one day and realize he's in a huge happiness trap. And I hope he reaps what he sows!!

Blessings to you and your child.

OH! And if it were me....I'd go find this girls house and give her a piece of my mind.

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Don't go see the lawyer with him. Get your own. He is having the affair, that means you will get farther with a judge. You need to make sure all of the right people know what is going on. Don't let him make things look good to everyone on the outside. I am not saying tell everyone, just people that need to know lawyer and bishop. Don't pretend you are married to him, move out, or tell him to move since he is the cheater. Then change the locks. Get a temporary custoty order to decide visitations or else you have no say as to when he sees the kids. He can pick them up from scool or someplace and you never see them, and sice there is no court order, he has the right. I would call HR at his work. I work in HR, there are rules in place. Take nots as to dates and times. You need to let the judge know that you were blind sited. It makes a difference in court. He might try to convince them your marrige was in danger before that. You had no idea. Even if he argees to counsleing, for now, take these steps. You are smart enough to be prepared if it comes to divorce to be ready. You can have dates times, and everything written down. You can get temporary custoty rulings even if if you end up woring it out. I am not saying give up, I am just saying ot do tese things, now, so he knows he won't let you walk all over him. You have rights, too. You don't need to let him dictate what happens.

Sorry, this is such a mess. This kind of thing always is.

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Blessings to you and your child.

OH! And if it were me....I'd go find this girls house and give her a piece of my mind.

I would desperately want to, too.

But that would be playing in to his hands.

Nobody wants to feel like they're a bad person, so if she goes over to this girls house and gets angry, she just shows that her husband was probably right about... Whatever it is he's lying to her about to make her feel okay about dating a married man.

If I were her, I would show up, put on my brave face, knock on the door and say: "Hi. I'm (x). You know my husband."

Be sweet. Be kind. Let her know the reason you're there is to make sure she knows he's currently married and you'd thought everything was fine up until a month ago.

Tell her that you thought you'd want to know if you were in that position, then nod and leave. Feel free to cry at this point.

Your hubbie says this is a 'good Mormon girl'. If you play the psycho ex-role, your husband will just play it off as you being crazy and you always being like that. If you act like the nicest woman in the world, she is far more likely to dump his worthless behind.

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Has your husband always been this manipulative? Exercised unrighteous dominion? Split parenting decisions and helped pit the kids against the parents? Rationalizing? If these are new behaviors, it's possible that he has some kind of mental condition that is actually new, and that he needs help with. If not, it's too bad you've had to deal with it for ten years and not even realized it.

Don't go see the lawyer with him. Get your own.

Definitely.

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I believe that if you file for legal separation it protects you in the event that he tries to take all your money or do anything that will financially cripple you, and makes it so he can't take the kids out of state without your written consent. But I'm no lawyer and I've never been through this. My point is, do what you can to legally protect your interests. Don't play nice in hopes of reconciliation if you just give him what he wants. My BIL did that when his wife of 9 years left. She took the kids out of state, and denied him contact for a month. He thought she was just going through something so he didn't do anything about it. He quit a very good job, followed her, and hoped that he could "nice" her into keeping the family together. What he got was a divorce, inadequate custody, and financial ruin. Some fifteen years down the road, the effects on his children have been devastating, but that's another topic.

What does he say about the kids? He's just leaving you all, or he wants to share custody, or what? I can't believe he did that to your 8-year-old. I have a daughter about the same age and when I think of how she would handle that, it puts a knot in my stomach. I'd like to put a foot in his.

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Yep.

Get a lawyer.

Get a support system. Tell them everything that is happening.

Protect yourself and your children.

After that, the only thing you can do, is work on your end of things. You won't be able to change him, you can only change yourself.

Sorry to hear this is happening to your children.

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After being divorced for almost 13 years, I just recently found out that my ex had planned on taking off with our 3 kids. The only reason he didn't was because I had quickly filed papers to have my kids legally protected.

So yes I would advise seeing an attorney as quickly as possible to protect them and yourself. Don't wait. I'm glad I didn't.

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Just FYI, my ex told the kids that we were getting divorced. We were supposed to tell them together, he just took it upon himself, even though we talked about it. It was horrible. Made me look like the bad guy. I feel for you and your children. Just know your kids know you love them. Protect them.

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He asked, "what, you don't think I'm worthy?"

First, I am sorry you and your children will be going through such a great trial. It appears you have received some good advice regarding the situation.

I would add one thing to FunkyTown's response regarding visiting this young lady and being as polite as you can, however, I am not sure this will be very polite, but it will be frank.

After you say this, "Tell her that you thought you'd want to know if you were in that position, then nod and leave."

Before you leave her house then say, "I also want you to know, men have a tendency not to change and repeat similar behaviors. Should you need a shoulder to cry on, when this happens to you, I am there for you."

But then again, that probably isn't good to say, even though I would really want to say it.

Maybe you can pull a Ms. Lorena Bobbit??? NO, NO, forget I even said it.

I am sorry. Our prayers are with you and may your soul be comforted during this hard time in Christ.

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What is wrong with men?! I am SO sorry...I'm in a similar situation...my perfect temple marriage of almost 12 years is in shambles. 3 weeks ago he dropped it on me and over the preceding week all sorts of things came out, including an affair. My life was shattered...abandoned with 4 little kids! I feel your pain. And on top of mine, he has left the church. Drinks. Gah...it breaks my heart. He moved in with his parents for awhile to figure things out...and we have started counseling and are going on weekly dates. My husband lost his job back in December and I wonder too if he is in some sort of midlife crisis (he's 34). Anyways, his affair was with a married lady that also had kids. He says he ended things, and won't leave me for someone else, but needs to figure out if he can love me again. I'm so sorry you are going through this! I can say that the only thing that has helped me get through this is my own faith...although it wasn't great at first...My heavenly father is carrying me!! I am praying my heart out, and studying the scriptures and the latest conference talks. I am also going to the temple once a week! I KNOW that I will be ok after all of this...although I don't know what OK is going be (with him or not), i know I will come out of this a better person!! Praying for you!!

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Thank you all for your encouragement and support! My attorney that I consulted with has been out of town this past week. I will be getting in touch with him soon though. The last straw happened today. He told me in an email to remove my cell phone from our plan and get my own. We had a few exchanges about this and I decided to go and take care of this, but did not tell him. The guy at the phone company asked me if I wanted to change his family plan to a single. I told him no, he did this to me, he can pay a higher rate. He stayed gone all evening. Didn't get home till 11:30 pm from "work." I happened to go onto his cell account and found out he bought her a phone and put it on his account!! What a jerk! So now my plan is higher and he still has a family plan? I printed the sheet as well as his usage report. I am definitely taking this one to the attorney! Interesting enough, the first thing he did when he got home was to change the cellphone username and password. He just forgot to change the email address too, so I got the notification of the changes he made. What a jerk! The locks will be changed soon and he will be out on his rear! I'm done playing games and playing nice while he tramples all over me. Not to mention not being a decent example to our children. This is not the man I married. I am of the opinion that he is having a Mental Health problem and I don't just say that. He had a crappy childhood and I think I'm seeing some of the effects of things he never dealt with. It's sad to see, but see you later!

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Has been a lot of this going on lately I feel for all of you ill post this again as well as a link to some forums with a lot of people who have experience with husbands/wives doing exactly what your husband is doing. Protect yourself and you children before anything else

Steps to Recover from an affair/infidelity in marriage

For Newly Betrayed Spouses - Marriage Builders® Forums

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Guest jollyroger
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I'd go and see the girl and her parents. If you meet, you'll see she's just a child and she'll see she's out of her depth. If she backs down your husband will think twice about leaving. His reasons for leaving are petty. If you can stop it at this stage there might not be a need for divorce lawyers, however, even if she did go away you might not want him to stay anyway.

If he does leave chances are both he and the girl will get excommunicated, so you'd be doing them both a favour by speaking to her and her parents to stop it now. In any case, just stay strong in the Gospel, if he can't be a good dad and husband the Lord will find someone else who can be responsible.

I hope you have a good rest and go to the temple. Hugs from here.

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