I was a bad husband & my wife had an affair.

[About2GiveUp24_7]

This is a hard thing for me to do but I'm so lost and I've just had my life crash down all around me, so bare with me. I'm 30 years old and have been with my "wife " ten years and married 3.5 I also have a beautiful daughter. I have always been trouble I seem to learn the hard way and I haven't been active in the church for 12 years. I'll only write about my new devastating situation. For a year I haven't had a real job I've been depressed and I was ignoring my wife's needs wasn't a good team mate and was just a negative person. I don't like who I am. My wife was everything to me....... Still is I think but she asked me to leave about a month ago to give me a wake up call and give me time to find a job and find myself because i was and still am lost. So I agreed and left. I thought that's what would happen and all would be well again. How stupid I was. Then my best friend in the world my wife had an affair with a coworker. I know I could have been so much better and we could have been the best family ever. I was trying to change everything about my self because the real me is a good looking charismatic man. But then not even a week of separation I found out because I felt it and asked she said yes and it has only gone on for about a week. She is not like that we have been through a ton we are or were rather best friends who overcame drugs and recovery together. We have a beautiful daughter and used to love each other more than anything. It's my fault I feel like I've failed her but how could she do that? I think she was right to kick me out to fix my life and I've made big good changes. She says she loves me and wants to try and work it out because of how much we both loved each other but I don't know what to do now.

She still wants me out of our apparent and we are not together. I know she is not returning to her..... "fling" for sure and hope not either. I am a wreck now more than ever. Do I even want her back? I'm so disgusted and hurt I can't think of anything but the situation. I see her every day and we fight and talk and talk about how to fix this. And now she wants to not see each other hoping she will miss me and fall back in love with "the real me" and honestly I wanted that too. I wasn't happy with our marriage and took her for granted. But the affair is killing me I can't get over it I am worse off now than I've ever been. And she shows no emotion, she says she cried a year and is numb. But it will hit her when I'm gone. I want to save my family but how can I do that. I can't fix my life when I feel like I lost it. We had so much love for each other and Satan is winning now. I won't have that. If I do want her back how can I make her or rather help her see the man she fell in love with. I want my daughter to have us around together and happy. I want to do it right this time around. Because I haven't been perfect cheated on her right before we got married. But we are good people how did it come to this. I hate my self and her right now. But in my heart I feel like we should try but I cant stop moping around I can't eat sleep or be happy at all. How can I make her fall back in love with me. And how do I fall back in love with her .I love her but right now I'm not in love with her and obviously she feels the same but she's willing to try.

In a nutshell how do I save my marriage how do I feel good about myself again. I'm trying to pull up I'm trying to seek the lord's help and feel the spirit. How can I forget forgive?

Any advice would be helpful. Sorry about all the grammar errors I'm on my phone and it's like 4 in the morning. I have to give up on life or at least that's how I feel lately. She is the greatest thing on earth or was in my eyes and I know she thought the world of me. She's convinced we will make it but I feel betrayed I feel sick about her affair. But I don't want to lose her for good and be another statistic. Is the separation a good idea? I mean not seeing her for a while a going to be good?

Sorry for rambling on.

[Sunshine40]

Dear About2giveup,

DO NOT GIVE UP..

My husband was a bad husband..He pushed me away..he criticized everything I did..There is a whole lot more to it, but in essence, he was a bad husband...and like you, he knew it..and I fell in love with someone else..

My husband forgave me, and worked his butt off to do everything he could to show me that he appreciated me....eventhough he was hurting terribly. It WILL hit your wife at some point how much she hurt you and she will be devastated by her own actions. His forgiveness showed me how much he truly loved me, and I knew that despite his faults he would love more than any other man possibly could.

My opinion is that you should NOT separate. If you are separated, DATE that woman like you did before you were married. Do everything you can to rebuild that relationship from the ground up. She needs to know that YOU are willing to change your past behavior... She needs to feel safe with you.

You need to completely repent as well. (of course she does too, but that is also going to be a difficult process for her and she is going to need your patience)..You have to focus on what she needs and you have to deliver it. Even if that means sucking up the hurt and acting as if you are in love with her even if you do not feel it at the moment.

That is what my husband did. It has been two years, and I am eternally grateful that he did not give up.

[About2GiveUp24_7]

Ya I'm still up and I just read that great reply. But......she is the one who wants more time, I guess I did to but I didn't say it. And by the way it's been a month already. But after I was sure her fling was over we have seen each other every day and every night I go back to my parents. Although she changes her mind hourly about wanting to see me and then more time apart. She's confused and sad she says and we fight or rather talk about our problems and then fight. Because she thought foe years I was cheating on her when I wasn't. I did but that was before we married and we broke up. Anyways we had a date this Saturday and now it's off because of my attitude I guess and my pride. I'm trying to fix alot of things and I'm overwhelmed. I love my wife best friend and if there is eternity I'll love her there again. I just get sick when I think about another man touching her. I don't want to push her or make her feel pressure I've already acted like a fool texting to much trying hard to tell and not show her. I won't give up.....I'm afraid she will. She acts like it's fine and we will make it. Maybe she doesn't care and is just going through the motions. We had such a strong bond and how I trust her again?

[Sunshine40]

Well, my husband tried hard to just trust..and that did not work..he could not do it either...but I was not trust WORTHY, was I?

She does have to earn your trust...but look at this way...as my husband did.. Have I been in contact with the other person? No.I have not .. trust points earned..Have I done anything TO hurt my husband...in the past day? week? month? year? ...no, I have not. I have respected him. Turst points..look at what she is NOT doing and let trust BE earned.

But that all said ..you should not smother the woman..it will only push her away.

If your attitude and pride are getting in the way (and you realize that) get angry at your own attitude and your own pride...and let humilty soften your heart. Give your wife the benefit of the doubt that she loves you. If nothing else, she loves God enough to give it another shot with the afther of her children. That is enough reason to stay and work things out.

My husband and I argue ALL the time. There are still days I just want to shoot myself or drive off a cliff because I do not see things getting any better...or he gets lazy and stops trying..

I suggest counseling with your wife. The two of you need to learn to talk things out without always arguing. There are steps to learning to trust and to communicate. I do beleive that with counseling, the two of you can work through this AND develop a better relationship. It sounds like your marraige started off with trust issues to begin with...and she obviously forgave you..because she did marry you. And if she ever brought up THAT past mistake, how did it make you feel? Don't do it to her. Part of this is moving forward.

One other thing..be the man all wives deserve. Go back to church..even if you hate it (my husband does)..develop your personal relationship with Heavenly Father and your Savior. It is through the atonement that you will both be able to heal.

[Windseeker]

I agree with everything Sunshine has said. It's great advice. My wife left me and our kids and had multiple affairs in a very short time. I was able to forgive her and change the person I was. Eventually she wanted to come back but at that point it was too late and she never showed me she had really changed. She still hasn't and I'm now remarried and have the kids.

The best way to "Fight" for your relationship is to stop fighting. Your marriage is broken, you can't fix it by beating on it. If possible I would avoid seperating. You need to provide an environment where she and you can heal and where she feels safe. As much as you want to call or text her or stress about what's going on, you need to focus on being the person that will attract the person you love. Become a person that you yourself like. You need to focus on getting your life together, be a wonderful father to your daughter, get a job, work hard, clean up your life, exercise etc. Learn the meaning of Charity and start living it. Listen to her, as painful as it might be, listen to her concerns, frustrations, and pain. You can do this by seperating yourself from the problem. Try to look at her as you would your daughter in a similar situation and just be there to love and support her. Don't criticize.

As far as Trust goes, like Sunshine said you may not be able to just Trust, but you kind of half too in a sense. You can't control when she wants to leave or be alone. Where you need to place your trust is in your Heavenly Father and in yourself. Prayer and confidence in yourself will assist you going forward.

Another suggestion, may seem weird, but you should try Yoga. You are going thru some major stress right now. Learn to just breath. Be grateful for those things you do have, especially your daughter, she's the real innocent victim in all this.

Edited July 6, 2012 by Windseeker

[Guest]

marriagebuilders.com. She's in a cheater's fog. Go find the forums and especially the surviving an affair forum. They will be a great help to you.

[ClickyClack]

(deleted)

[Timpman]

For a year I haven't had a real job I've been depressed and I was ignoring my wife's needs wasn't a good team mate and was just a negative person.

Can you tell us why you were like that for a year?

[John11111]

Eowyn gave an excellent link, there is so much useful information on that website. It has been a wonderful resource and helped me greatly to get through my wifes affair. Also try reading his needs her needs.

The forums on marriage builders is a great place to link up with others who have gone through this and have a lot of useful advice. Be active and commit to the relationship, it is said often times it is the victim who has to fight for the marriage at first it isnt fair it isnt easy but if you really love your wife and want to make it work you have to start with yourself.

[About2GiveUp24_7]

I was like that for a year because I am a selfish person and I was on adderall and I thought that was helping me but it was not. I told my doctor and I'm not taking that anymore but the damage is done. I played in bands and I was gigging all the time I would watch my daughter all day then go play music. Now I cant even play the piano or guitar without having a bad taste in my mouth.

My wife doesn't know what she wants I really think I messed it up for good this time. At the same time I didn't have an affair. I need to stop being so clingy I am never like that she used to be but the roles are reversed now.

She says she wants to work it out and that she is trying but when she says that I dont feel like she means it. I don't feel like she is sorry and I am crushed. How do I cope? I want to give her space like she wants but then she calls me and we hang out but it of course is not the same. And of course we have a child together so we have to see each other. I want to go out as a family and build back what we had but I cant be the only one. We were so happy at one time and the longer we are apart the more we will drift. But at the same time maybe she will remember that she does love me or maybe not. I just want closure and I'm scared to loose my best friend. I just need to put my head down and work hard and not think about her but easier said than done.

I'm lost and I beat myself up for not noticing earlier how sad I was making her.

[About2GiveUp24_7]

I just don't see how she could do that to our family. No I didn't work a real job but I would watch our sweet daughter all day and some nights while she worked and I gigged. She still works with the guy and I don't know if I can handle all this. She needs to show me and not just have me show her that I do love her.

[Dove]

Forgive yourself, don't blame yourself for your wifes' infidelity, let go and let God. Find your way to Him......You say you are lost. Focus on getting your "stuff" together before worrying about saving your marriage. You said you have been quite depressed. Get treatment/help. Through the atonement and His grace, feel your absolute worth and value. Through Him, love yourself. Love yourself. Love and forgive yourself.....

[Timpman]

I was like that for a year because I am a selfish person and I was on adderall and I thought that was helping me but it was not. I told my doctor and I'm not taking that anymore but the damage is done.

Maybe there's a good reason for Adderall being prescribed. I don't see what damage it could have done. Anyway, if there is something that was diagnosed, you could always try different meds.

[Eleven]

I just commented in another thread that it is hard to love someone that doesnt love themself. Get yourself together, pray hard and long on your knees to the point of tears and get up and do something. Maybe try things like even though she wants time, sending flowers to show her youre thinking about her constantly would help?

Remember that the past is the past, and i think it would be exceptionally important for you to forget her faults if you expect her to forget yours.

I hope this doesnt come off wrong or with too much levity, but i think it would be fun to date like the old days. once you guys get over the first couple of bumps and have become close enough to be civil, plan some romantic and fun dates. A lot of times men and women forget what its like to try and impress their spouse with simple things like how sharp they dress, how caring they are, did you hold the door for her.. etc. Are your dates awkward? i think a good thing to pray for and ask of your wife is a fresh start. Memories are always good too, have a date where all you do is go to the places you proposed, look at pictures, all that good stuff that got that ring on her finger.

Too many times in the short amount of time ive been married do i leave the magic of marriage in the past and forget how fun it is.