I feel scared/lost at what to do with my 4 year marriage

[Elegreen]

This is going to be long, but I feel that I need it to be so I can have people better understand my situation, thus obtaining good advice?

I have almost been married for 4 years, and for these 4 years I thoughts of divorce have raced through my head off and on. I feel like I like I just made the wrong decision because my choice was based on faith not necassarily love. I felt like becuase it was a faith vased decision it was a good thing? I have just kept this attitude since.

Begining: -- the first guy I started right after i moved out from home (18) dating was my now husband. We became steady pretty quickly. I think I was infatuated at the time because he was an RM, and I felt really good about being in a relationship with him. Although i felt really good about this relationship, I soon realized that our persoanlity were very different, and as time went on it became a bigger issue. Im a very outgoing, social person, while he is nothing of the sort ( a big homebody, to himself) It was hard going to friends places while he would socialize very little. On top of this I found out that he had a porn problem, which almost ended our 1.5 relationship. But after praying about these diffrences i felt like i should still stay with him becuase he was so overly sweet and obsessed with us staying together. I did love him, and I knew that I would ultimatly crush his life/dreams/hopes/ everything If i broke up. thoughts of breaking up came up over those 2 years we dated, these thoughts came up becuase of our personality differences,I wasn't ready for a serious realtionship and other uncertanties that I felt. But I would always just stay with him becuase he would litteraly treat me like a queen and i couldn't bare to crush his heart. We ended up getting engaged, and I would I started to feel these anxieties even stronger(which i took as satan). the reason why i took them as satan is becuase when i would pray about marrying him i truely felt good about it. So i took this non good feelings as temptations. these anxious feelings were so overwhelming sometimes I almost called of the wedding twice. In the end, I just told heavenly father that I was going to marry this man becuase I had felt through prayers that it was a good thing. SO i took a leap of faith, and married him based on that.

4 years later, I now realize that those feelings were not satan, they were just me telling my self that I was not ready to get married. I was still trying to find my identiy I was only 20, and my life plan was not to get married, but i did it anyways. It was such a HUGE adjustment to what i saw my life would be that it pushed me into a deep depression. It was so hard becuase I thought that those anxiesties of being with him would go away, but they didn't. ( and I feel like they still haven't)

These feelings of not wanting to be married have been intensified by our personality differences. I feel like when my married couple friends are over for a party, my husband comes off as a rude husband because he says nothing to them or to me, and usually avoids be around the group like going out side (to do chores). Its not that he dosent' like my friends he just has severe insecurities about him self and how he handles himself. I also feel like he dosn't push me to become my better self, I am much more lazy in health and spiritualty.My feelings of not wanting to be married have also intensified becuase the porn problem comes and goes, and lieing always follows. I feel like I have big trust issues> Also when i was pregnate I found out that his parents were giving us 200$ a month to help pay for rent, but he was taking it for himself for almost a year. this upset me becuase i was quiting my job to stay at home, and i was very worried about money that whole year. his spending habits have been bad, he'll open credit cards and then cancel them. I'll find items hidden all thorughout the house. He's even gone as far as to steal money from his paretns drawers to buy items. He is now in a 12 step program, which i am very proud of him for.

I have very bad trust issues with him, and I feel that he is irresponsible sometimes. I would have never guessed these things of him becuase all 5 of his siblings are nothing like this. He has a very tough time with school. infact he just failed 2 of his classes. and has failed other classes in the past. I know he'll get through it. But even then, i worry that he'll get a job. This has been such a worry of mine that i have decided to go back to school, and pursue finishing my bachelors and masters. Which has been stressfull becasue i am the only one working right now becuase he focuses all his time on school. I have little faith that he'll support our family.

He has extremley bad self esteem and little confidence in himself. this is why i feel like he won't be able to support us becuase i feel like he'll always settle for what ever job he thinks "he" can do. But really he has so much more potentail.

He really is an amazing father and husband. The sad thing is, is that I have no other complaints about our marriage. he still treats me like a queen and does so much more around the house that i could ever do. He do what ever he can to make me happy. (this is what he says). He is also constantly worried that I'll leave him( this is becuase he knows I have had a hard time being married)

I don't bring up the fact that i am STILL having hard time being here with him. The reason behind this is becuase I have been trying to help him build up his confidence and self esteem. I have prayed alot about what i should do. OF course ( just like in the past) i always stay. I guess i just hope that things will get better. I just don't want to have anymore kids if its not going to be. I also am scared I'll feel this same way in the eternities? Its not always glum though. Sometimes I am happy with him and my marraige life. But this takes alot of cognitive postive thoughts, prayer and patients> Sometimes I feel like I can keep doing this. and other times I am so tired of working so hard to be happy. I feel at sometimes its unfair i Have to work SO SO hard to be happy in a relationship, when I see others realationships who have this naturaly happen. I feel Like this has never been the case with me and him. There has always been something missing.

- do i just keep sticking this out. I am only 24. I feel like i could still start over. But i also know that this idea is EXTREMLY selfish, and in a way very stupid. I guess i am just scared of what my future holds. I have actually prayed to see if I would always have some sort of issue with my marriage, and I am pretty sure it was a yes?

As far as advice.... I know that i can learn be happy in my marriage. I am actually 2 years away my masters Marriage/family thearpy. So I know that any marriage can work if you are willing for it to work. I guess my question is.... Do i have the energy to keep working on it, and Did i completly screw my entire life over my basing my decisions soley on faith. I guess i just need some words of encouragement or advice. PLEASE....... has anyone else been in this same situation, did divorce make you any happier?

Edited July 11, 2012 by Elegreen

[Dove]

Hi Elegreen;

First, I'm sorry that you are having such a difficult time with your marriage. My heart goes out to you. I hope what I say will help you either with what you are going to choose to do or just as a comfort....

It sounds like to me that he has a lot of problems with pornography, stealing, lying, etc. Wow, that would be very difficult for me to deal with in a spouse....

Some thoughts. First of all, you did the best you knew how when you married him~His choosing to sin cannot screw your life up, in an eternal sense, unless you allow it to bring you to sin or fall short of your divine potential....As I say this, I also think how easy that is for me to say....Believe me, I have fallen short of this counsel many a time, to my sorrow.

I would say, work on loving yourself more. Forgive yourself of the decision you made to marry him. Don't take responsibility for his sins. Love and take care of your children. Let him take care of himself and take responsibility for his faults and failings. Don't stay with him out of guilt or fear of what he'll do if you live. Don't be his therapist, even if you are trained in this area. You are his wife. Let him seek his own therapy/help. Let him take accountability for his life. Please note, I am not necessarily telling you to seek a divorce. Actually, I'm trying to give you ideas on how to be happy while you're married to him.

Have you thought of fasting and praying/going to your own therapist/asking for counsel from your bishop concerning this? Seek support/loving interchanges for what you're going through. There is actually a program for spouses of those with addictions, if you're interested in going.

My loved dearly sister-in-law used to tell me that if I wasn't happy being single, I wouldn't be happy being married. I'm saying this to you, that it's your responsibility to make yourself happy. It's also your husbands' responsibility to make himself happy. Let go and let God. Maybe if you disengage from your husband (a mini vacation, just you and your kids, or emotionally creating a distance) you may be able to see this in a clearer light, without feeling guilty about him....

Just my .02 cents/ Best of wishes/prayers for you

Dove

[Sunshine40]

Dear Elegreen,

My husband is also very insecure. He also did not so well in school. The hardest thing about being married is realizing that you and your spouse are not the same person. It would be an adjustment for anyone. No one automatically lives happily ever after. Marraige is WORK. You are VERY blessed to have a man that will "treat you like a queen" while so insecure. Others (ahhem..mine) would put me down to make ME feel so much more insecure than him to make himself feel better. It took almost 20 years for him to stop.

I suggest only a few things. Maybe school is NOT his thing. Maybe he needs to find a job, or training in a field that he CAN do that will not require a degree in anything. And you should let him find a passion and go with it. That will also help with the pronography. I know it is a terrbile cirle of insecurity/porn but he can break out of it. There are tons of great paying jobs that do not require a degree. I have a brother that worked at a grocery store and ended up making 20,000 MORE a year than we ever have, without student loan payemnts of 500 a month...and another one that works for the post office..same scenario and couple sisters who cannot get a job with a degree at all. Also specialized training in a feild such as radiology can get a great job with no degree..and yes you may have to work to help supprt the family, but if he does all the work around the house that you say he does, you should be extremely grateful..there are some husbands who sit and watch TV all the time they are hime..or play video games..or some other non helpful waste of time ...but I digress. Appreciate him for who he is and what he does. NOT who you want him to be.

One thing I had to learn was to take resposibility for my own spiritual health and not blame anything on my husband. If you are leading him by example and that is the only thing you can do, then go ahead and lead. Don't nag, don't pressure. And when he gets an inkling of wanting to lead, you can let him. Ask him to give you a preisthood blessing...for practice of feeling the spirit. (this worked great with my spouse) Do it often.

My other advice it to realize that the pressure of school on you and work are high. YOU are going through a lot and doing a lot right now. Do not give up on your marraige over this stress. You know it can be saved. He is a good man, and you got the spiritual confirmation to go ahead and marry him. This is where you get to learn charity. Practice patience and trust in the Lord. There is great hope for your marraige. YOUR education has tought you this. Concentrate on what you can do to show your husband that you appreciate him. This will help him feel less insecure (positive reinforcement).

It works. Even for the extremely insecure man.

You are doing the right thing by staying and trying. Just keep going.

-Sunhine

Edited July 11, 2012 by Sunshine40

[Elegreen]

Thank you Dove and Sunshine40. YOu have no Idea how much that helped just hearing some words of encouragment/thought. I realize that I do try to be our therapist. I know i that i need to let go, and let him seek his own therapies. I guess i just have a fear that he'll never get around to it ( and i want him to get better). But i agree, I think it would be more healthy for me to let go of his problems. Thank your for helping me realize this. I also know that he is a great husband, I think thats why i get sad when im not so happy becusae i know that he is a really good guy. I know it took some time reading all this, so I apricate your love and concern.

[Timpman]

Hi Elegreen!

So toward the end of your first post, you wrote "Did i completly screw my entire life over my basing my decisions soley on faith"? First, you might need to remember that you really didn't base the decision on faith alone. You wrote:

-"I felt really good about being in a relationship with him"

-"But after praying about these diffrences i felt like i should still stay with him becuase he was so overly sweet"

-"I did love him"

-"he would litteraly treat me like a queen"

-"when i would pray about marrying him i truely felt good about it"

So besides faith, the Spirit made you feel good about it, you loved him, and he treats you like a queen. That's awesome!

The following things caused me some concern about your husband:

-"my husband comes off as a rude husband because he says nothing to them or to me"

-"he just has severe insecurities about him self and how he handles himself"

-"his spending habits have been bad"

-"he is irresponsible sometimes"

-"He has a very tough time with school"

-"He has extremley bad self esteem and little confidence in himself"

That was me exactly! I was eventually diagnosed with Adult ADD and I have improved a lot. I think you should read THIS.

It's cool that he still treats you like a queen. I think it can work out. For what it's worth, I made a thread on this forum called "I wish I had never married". I eventually wrote:

I have been FOOLISH. The mind has a way of filtering out good memories and others' good qualities. It sometimes focuses in on the negatives. I have been succumbing to cognitive distortions and, frankly, the whisperings of devils.

I spent time with my wife last night and had a merciful revelation. I remembered the good times and her good qualities. Our marriage is good and we can make it better.

There are many wise people here. Thanks for your comments.

Edited July 12, 2012 by Timpman

[Timpman]

Also, my wife studied psychology and I go nuts when she tries to be my therapist. If your husband is anything like me, he needs love and support from you, NOT therapy (especially in the form of probing questions).

Edited July 12, 2012 by Timpman

[Guest]

I don't know if this helps, but the 4th year was tough for us. We had worked most of the kinks in our relationship out by about year 7. ADD is probably a good thing to look into, though.

[Elegreen]

I just read your post about not wanting to be married anymore back in March. I feel like thats very much my situtation. I am very scared that I will still feel this way when I am 11 years into it. Does it ever get easier, or do you just find that you deal witht the episodes of regret better?

Besides the fact that i need to forgive myself for decisions , I wonder if underneath this confusion am I really happy with the realtionship? I feel like we have nothing in common. Do you and your wife's personalities go well, do you like the same things"? If not, how do you deal with it? I am confused on how to have a good time with eachother in which we both agree on the activity? any advice?

[Elegreen]

That was me exactly! I was eventually diagnosed with Adult ADD and I have improved a lot. I think you should read THIS.

It's cool that he still treats you like a queen. I think it can work out. For what it's worth, I made a thread on this forum called "I wish I had never married". I eventually wrote:

Timmpan

-----------

I just read your post about not wanting to be married anymore back in March. I feel like thats very much my situtation. I am very scared that I will still feel this way when I am 11 years into it. Does it ever get easier, or do you just find that you deal witht the episodes of regret better?

Besides the fact that i need to forgive myself for decisions , I wonder if underneath this confusion am I really happy with the realtionship? I feel like we have nothing in common. Do you and your wife's personalities go well, do you like the same things"? If not, how do you deal with it? I am confused on how to have a good time with eachother in which we both agree on the activity? any advice?

[Elegreen]

Hi Elegreen!

That was me exactly! I was eventually diagnosed with Adult ADD and I have improved a lot. I think you should read THIS.

It's cool that he still treats you like a queen. I think it can work out. For what it's worth, I made a thread on this forum called "I wish I had never married". I eventually wrote:

Timpman

-----------

I just read your post about not wanting to be married anymore back in March. I feel like thats very much my situtation. I am very scared that I will still feel this way when I am 11 years into it. Does it ever get easier, or do you just find that you deal witht the episodes of regret better?

Besides the fact that i need to forgive myself for decisions , I wonder if underneath this confusion am I really happy with the realtionship? I feel like we have nothing in common. Do you and your wife's personalities go well, do you like the same things"? If not, how do you deal with it? I am confused on how to have a good time with eachother in which we both agree on the activity? any advice?

[FairChild]

- do i just keep sticking this out. I am only 24. I feel like i could still start over. But i also know that this idea is EXTREMLY selfish, and in a way very stupid

why do you feel that you are being selfish? Because you think of leaving? Because you feel the need to remove stress or fear of what is going to be the next thing wrong? Because you shouldn't worry about if I? Because...?

I don't see any selfishness in being concerned or accountable about the choices you make in your life.