Can a Man be Happily Married to a Fat Woman?


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Not sure we can. Why is it that some people eat themselves into morbid obesity? Medicine has begun to view that as a disease rather than a moral failing. We can despise the alcoholic, or we can acknowledge that he has a dependency that is stronger than he is, despite his good intentions, and find ways to help him. I am not convinced that obesity is fundamentally different, except that we don't have to drink alcohol, while we have to eat food.

My husband asked me a few weeks ago which I thought was easier - giving up alcohol or losing weight. He wouldn't take any of my variations on "it depends" or "I don't know, I've never drank alcohol" for an answer, so I told him - I think losing weight might be harder because with alcohol, there is a clear line between the acceptable amount (NONE) and the unacceptable amount (everything else). He didn't like that answer, and I still don't know if it's the truth or not, but the way I see it, you HAVE to eat, so you have to find a balance. With alcohol, you immediately know if you drank too much (i.e. one drop).

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Lots of posts here, but here are my thoughts:

Yes, I think a man can be happily married to a fat woman. Might he prefer a skinnier wife? Sure and like others said it's really depends on what he finds physically attractive. But happiness in a marriage goes far beyond physical appearance. In the OPs case it seems the husband in question has absolutely no desire to have a happy marriage with her. He is making unrealistic demands in an uncaring way without any respect to the steps she has taken.

I'm sure there are plenty of men out there who dream of being married to a "hot wife", but beauty is in the eye of the beholder. I'm suddenly reminded of the music video to that "One Hot Mama" song. We watch this hurried, tired, chaotic, maybe-not-in-her-best-appearance housewife and then we are treated to the sultry version of her he constantly sees. THAT is how men should view their wives if they so dream of having a hot wife.

Is it wrong for a man to want a hot wife? Not at all, as long as this desire is in perspective of reality and eternal family, commitment, and blessings.

Any man who wants a "hot wife" and nothing else out of her as some serious value issues and no wife deserves such a husband.

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The only comment i wanted to add was your question of "can a man be in love with a fat woman?" strikes me with a deeper question: Is the woman happy with herself? . . . Its sometimes trying to love someone that doesnt love themself. If you find yourself wallowing in sorrow, embarrassment.. etc.. lets put it easier, happy wife, happy life. If you feel content, he should feel content. . . . MEN LOVE CONFIDENT WOMEN WHO KNOW WHO THEY ARE :)

You know, I have definitely been up and down on this one. My husband has complained in the past that he had to walk on eggshells around me because of my low self-esteem. But over the years, I did grow much more confident and secure and got to a place where I was at peace with my weight even though I was 25 lbs or so more than pre-marriage. I feel like I'm a pretty darn cool person, to be honest with you. But it's hard to maintain that level of confidence when the person who is most supposed to support you and love you is tearing you down.

It also didn't help that for the last year and a half, he's been locking himself in his office pretty much every moment he's not at work or asleep. Now that I know why - he was hiding addictions from me - I don't feel so bad about it, but at the time, it just felt like he hated me and had given up on me and didn't want anything to do with me. That really wears you down.

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You know, I have definitely been up and down on this one. My husband has complained in the past that he had to walk on eggshells around me because of my low self-esteem. But over the years, I did grow much more confident and secure and got to a place where I was at peace with my weight even though I was 25 lbs or so more than pre-marriage. I feel like I'm a pretty darn cool person, to be honest with you. But it's hard to maintain that level of confidence when the person who is most supposed to support you and love you is tearing you down.

It also didn't help that for the last year and a half, he's been locking himself in his office pretty much every moment he's not at work or asleep. Now that I know why - he was hiding addictions from me - I don't feel so bad about it, but at the time, it just felt like he hated me and had given up on me and didn't want anything to do with me. That really wears you down.

Someone had mentioned this earlier but I forget who.

I don't know what kind of shape your husband is in but it sounds like he could benefit getting out (away from the office) and both of you hitting the gym together and get some kind of exercise routine going. Start with once a week and then graduate to a couple times a week. If you'd rather not hassle with a gym membership, throw on some running shoes and do a quick paced walk or job around the block. If he doesn't want to go with you, just start by yourself. I love love love running. It's very calming to me and I can think very clearly about things. This time might also allow you to reflect on things in your life that you want to change or improve on - for yourself :]

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Just because a person hasn't lost weight doesn't mean that person hasn't tried to lose weight. If you've read all my posts, you'll see that I tried very hard to lose weight last year. And it wasn't my first attempt. Sometimes I've been successful. Sometimes I haven't. And I never said anything about stopping having sex with him. I haven't.

Under the same critical eye of judgement, let's turn this around. Can you really say it's ALL my fault that I've gained weight when from the very beginning of our marriage, we would sit down TOGETHER every night and eat and watch TV, and we BOTH gained an equal amount of weight? Can you say it's ALL my fault when he then started hypocritically complaining about my weight while still eating junk food every night? Can you say it's ALL my fault when five years ago, I decided I wanted to be healthy for ME and started following the Body-for-Life plan to the T, lost 15 pounds, and was still losing weight, when he left me completely without warning? I had to read an email he sent in order to find out that he was leaving me. Yes, I have issues with weight and food. But it isn't ALL my fault.

He says it's his life-long dream to have a hot wife. If that was true, maybe he shouldn't have been breaking out the ice cream, cheese and crackers, cereal, and chocolates EVERY NIGHT for the first five years of our marriage.

Clearly it's not ALL your fault.......but is it 50/50? Did you hold up your end of the bargin? Or when he complained did you point the finger right back at him? "well you fat also so I don't have to change"

How about as an adult some personal responsibility is accepted for your part In This fiasco..... Or was he always like this? Is he was then I'd point back at you.......you picked him to marry and have kids with somewhere along the line you thought it was a good idea and ignored all of the red flags. People don't change they are who they are (in general) odds are he was like this before you got marriEd...........just sayin

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My husband says this same kind of thing - that if you gain weight or change in some other way, you're not "the same person." How are you not the same person? People change, but they're still the same person. I don't know if you're LDS or not, but my husband is, and that's part of why this kind of comment from him baffles me. I'm the same person I was eons ago in the preexistence. But I've certainly changed a lot since then! For instance, I have a physical body. That's a pretty huge change, no matter what that body looks like. But I'm still ME. And I'll still be this same person years, decades, millennia, eternities from now.

And for the record, my husband has CERTAINLY changed from when I was sealed to him in the temple. I didn't sign up to be married to a cheating drunk. I may look a little different from when we married, but I at least act the same and profess the same beliefs. But he's still "the same person" and I still made covenants with him and I still see good in him.

The fact of the matter is that even in civil marriage ceremonies, the CONTRACT says "for better or worse, in sickness or in health, until death do you part." It doesn't say, "unless you change, I'll stick with you."

As a matter of fact I am LDS very active also.......and yes marriage is a contract if your spouse cheats he broke that contract, if he or she refuses "relations" (a normal acceptable amount)it is breach of contract an undisclosed mental issue or addiction ( something they knew about before marriage) it is breach or contract.....if they go off the deep end and start drinking and useing drugs it is a breach......

Sorry or better yet congratulations you do not have to be stuck (miserable for time and all eternity) do you not hink you distunctional marriage has serious side effects on your children?

And I'm not speaking about you specifically so please don't take this response personally, it is really a general response about the responsibilities of marriage

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Clearly it's not ALL your fault.......but is it 50/50? Did you hold up your end of the bargain?

Yes, I'd say our marriage problems are probably 50/50 my fault/his fault. I've acknowledged my issues and tried to work with him to fix them, we've been to marriage counseling several times, and I've been working hard to change the things he has issues with. But his use of porn is 100% his fault. His drinking and cheating are 100% his fault. You can't say that because I'm not the perfect wife (surprise! No one is) that it's therefore not totally his /fault/ that he cheated on me. When we have gone to counseling in the past, he's made it clear that he's going in order to get me fixed; that he didn't really have any problems to speak of. This was before the substance abuse and cheating, but still, he didn't have ZERO problems. The fact that he wouldn't acknowledge his problems is what sent him over the deep end. The fact that he has spent his whole life blaming other people for every problem so he never had to feel bad about himself is what sent him over the deep end.

Sorry or better yet congratulations you do not have to be stuck (miserable for time and all eternity) do you not think your dysfunctional marriage has serious side effects on your children?

The thing is, divorce has serious side effects on children, too. :( Don't think I haven't thought this one through. And if we divorce, I'll have to send the kids off to live with him for periods of time where I have absolutely no say what the conditions are like or what happens or anything. OR go through nasty court battles to get sole custody and vilify him in their eyes.

And I have news for you - no one is going to be miserable in their marriage for time and all eternity. Time, yes. But if you make it to eternity - you must, as an LDS person, know that no matter how big of a jerk your spouse is, if they make it to eternity with you, you're going to be pretty darn joyous.

The bottom line is, I've had impressions from the spirit more than once in the last 5 years that my husband and I made covenants with each other in the preexistence to help each other in this life. And right now, when I pray, I get strong impressions that I'm supposed to stay with him. And so that's what I'm going to do. For now. If I get an impression in the future that it's time to leave, I'll leave. But until then, I'm going to keep trying to make it work.

yes marriage is a contract if your spouse cheats he broke that contract, if he or she refuses "relations" (a normal acceptable amount)it is breach of contract an undisclosed mental issue or addiction ( something they knew about before marriage) it is breach or contract.....if they go off the deep end and start drinking and useing drugs it is a breach......

Dallin H. Oaks said in April of 2007,

"Modern prophets have warned that looking upon marriage “as a mere contract that may be entered into at pleasure … and severed at the first difficulty … is an evil meriting severe condemnation,” especially where children are made to suffer.

From the website, The Covenant Marriage Movement

A covenant marriage is intended by God to be a lifelong relationship exemplifying unconditional love, reconciliation, sexual purity, and growth. A covenant is an eternal commitment with God. People can negotiate out of contracts, but not out of a covenant. The heart of covenant marriage is “the steadfast love of the Lord,” which comes from the very heart of God and “never ceases” (Lam. 3:22, RSV)

The fact is, the church has taught repeatedly that we shouldn't look at marriage as a "contract" but rather a covenant. Especially if we are sealed in the temple, it is a covenant between the husband, the wife, and the Lord.

And to be totally honest, I have more hope for him and for our marriage right now than I did a year ago because he's actually humble right now, admitting he's not doing a very good job at handling life by himself, and actually willing to go to a counselor to get help for HIMSELF for once. This would be the exact wrong time to give up on him.

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Do I have any hope of being really loved and cherished if I'm not a size 8 or less?

I think that depends on your definition of loved and cherished. Considering 2/3 of the US is fat and 1/3 obese, it seems that people are "used to it"

Personally I would love and cherish a fat wife but would not want to be seen in public with her.

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I think that depends on your definition of loved and cherished. Considering 2/3 of the US is fat and 1/3 obese, it seems that people are "used to it"

Personally I would love and cherish a fat wife but would not want to be seen in public with her.

If you would not want to be seen in public with her, then you cannot possibly love and cherish her. That is not how you feel about, nor how you treat, someone you love.

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If you would not want to be seen in public with her, then you cannot possibly love and cherish her. That is not how you feel about, nor how you treat, someone you love.

I agree, this is strange. How do you "love" and "cherish" someone with whom you're embarrassed to be seen? I have a fond hope that God loves and cherishes me, and if he does, I assume he won't be embarrassed to be seen with me, despite my manifold imperfections (and the fact that I'm fat).

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I think that depends on your definition of loved and cherished. Considering 2/3 of the US is fat and 1/3 obese, it seems that people are "used to it"

Personally I would love and cherish a fat wife but would not want to be seen in public with her.

Then when and where is the cherishing taking place? Is this your version of the crazy wife in the attic? Pretend she doesn't exist?

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I don't know what kind of shape your husband is in but it sounds like he could benefit getting out (away from the office) and both of you hitting the gym together and get some kind of exercise routine going. Start with once a week and then graduate to a couple times a week. If you'd rather not hassle with a gym membership, throw on some running shoes and do a quick paced walk or job around the block. If he doesn't want to go with you, just start by yourself. I love love love running. It's very calming to me and I can think very clearly about things. This time might also allow you to reflect on things in your life that you want to change or improve on - for yourself :]

Thanks - this is definitely a good idea, although I know the gym idea won't work for me. Have you seen what girls wear to the gym? :eek: It's a meat market, and I don't really want to encourage him to go there. He has a membership, but hasn't been in a long time, and maybe that's why? If he doesn't want to go to church and be tortured by seeing gorgeous women, it's gotta be worse at the gym.

Running won't work either because I have a foot injury, but biking together or some other active pursuit could be a good thing.

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I think that depends on your definition of loved and cherished. Considering 2/3 of the US is fat and 1/3 obese, it seems that people are "used to it"

Personally I would love and cherish a fat wife but would not want to be seen in public with her.

Just goes to show that not everyone has the same definition of love and cherish. If I loved and cherished my diamond earrings enough, I might never want to be seen in public with them either because I'd be afraid someone would steal them. Maybe that's why Garry wouldn't want to be seen with her in public? Because he would love and cherish her so much that he would be afraid she would be stolen away by a hotter guy or something? Not sure...

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I love garry's stats on fat. 33.3% are obese. 66.66% are overweight. Hmmm. So where are the skinny models? I KNEW they were not real people!!!

I'm pretty sure he meant that the third that are obese are part of the two thirds that are fat, leaving one third skinny. But that's pretty funny...

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