Can a Man be Happily Married to a Fat Woman?

[tumbledquartz]

He is tortured by seeing women at church? Normal in church women? Have you considered that your husband has a sex addiction?

He just can't stand that there are so many righteous women in our ward who are also hot trophy wives. Seriously, bishop's wife = hot. Stake Pres's wife = hot. Primary teacher of one of our kids = smokin' hot. There are several others, too. And some of them don't dress so modestly, either.

He feels cheated (he got me and he could have had one of them) and he doesn't like feeling cheated, so he doesn't go to church. Several people he works with also have hot trophy wives, so he doesn't go to work functions either. He claims he doesn't fantasize about any particular woman and he's never had any kind of interaction with any of them (I wrote an earlier post about why I believe him - I don't think he can lie to me straight-up, but then I've been wrong about other things, too... Still, I don't think I am about this. He has a deer-in-the-headlights look when I ask him questions he doesn't want to answer.) so I don't think it's anything beyond the fact that he is just plain jealous. And his modus operandi is to avoid discomfort, stuff feelings, and blame others.

Truthfully, as of tonight, my husband and I have called a truce and a ban on all conversation related to this topic until he sees a counselor a few times. We'll see how that goes.

[Eleven]

TumbledQuartz,

dont mean to be repetitive, but I would really like to know the answer to the question i asked earlier.

Quite honestly, and with all respect given, i couldnt care less what your husband thinks of you, Im more interested in your opinion.

Are you content with yourself? If you didnt have your husband nagging at you about your weight, would you even think about it?

Lets be honest, people come in all shapes and sizes. Sometimes asking someone to lose weight is like asking my 5ft wife to grow a couple inches. Ive seen too many times, big boned people try so hard to be skinny, they accomplish it and their body just goes into absolute shock because it just wasnt made to do that. everyday they were fighting head colds.. flu.. the shakes.. all those symptoms all because they went past their limits.

Have you ever heard the phrase "you wear it well" , in reference to someone asking about anothers weight? numbers on a scale mean nothing, If you have a sincere smile on your face and life is good, to me that constitutes "wearing it well"

Edited July 27, 2012 by Eleven
typing in the dark

[shdwlkr]

I have not read all the posts but some things come to mind.

First I have an idea of what I would like in a partner but the funny thing is Heavenly Father just might have other ideas so I guess I am open to his promptings. YOU see I really don't care what the world sees in my companion only what I see in her and she sees in me beyond that little matters.

I have friend that has the same issue with weight lost her husband because he was sort of like the original posts man but you know I have known her for over 40 years and never thought about her size until one day she brought it up and it is health related and we talked about it and you know something we wondered if it might be one of her challenges in this life.

Me I am bald, have a beard, tend to be blunt when talking to people and have a type A personality and yes this can be an issue if you want it to be and many many women see it as such along with my having very young kids at my age. Oh well we knew when we came here things just might be a challenge and very hard to accept and deal with but in the end does it really matter?

As to the original post if she has totally decided it is a dead relationship then she needs to take steps to get her life in order and move on realizing life just a whole lot harder.

Can size be an issue in a relationship totally if one partner wants it to be and it can be a non issue also just depends on the individuals and how well they understand the road called life. None of us that have some years on us look like we did when we were young. None of us will leave this life alive, none of us will be happy with someone else if we are not happy with who and what we are.

Size of women's clothes I have never understood and really don't care unless I have some special person in my life that I want to buy some clothes for. If either spouse looks at the other and really means it when they say you are getting fat then they really most of the time need to look in the mirror first. I know I am much larger than I was 40 years ago part of it is getting older and part of it is events in my life that have messed up my ability to loose weight. Do I let it upset me not really unless I need to get into some place that there is just to much of me to let me do it then it upsets me. Usually I end up laughing about it because I can't change me but I can change how I think of me and do quite often once I get my head back on straight.

Best of luck in your life situation and realize this is all part of our journey we call life and heavenly father calls it the road home.

[Backroads]

He just can't stand that there are so many righteous women in our ward who are also hot trophy wives. Seriously, bishop's wife = hot. Stake Pres's wife = hot. Primary teacher of one of our kids = smokin' hot. There are several others, too. And some of them don't dress so modestly, either.

He feels cheated (he got me and he could have had one of them) and he doesn't like feeling cheated, so he doesn't go to church. Several people he works with also have hot trophy wives, so he doesn't go to work functions either. He claims he doesn't fantasize about any particular woman and he's never had any kind of interaction with any of them (I wrote an earlier post about why I believe him - I don't think he can lie to me straight-up, but then I've been wrong about other things, too... Still, I don't think I am about this. He has a deer-in-the-headlights look when I ask him questions he doesn't want to answer.) so I don't think it's anything beyond the fact that he is just plain jealous. And his modus operandi is to avoid discomfort, stuff feelings, and blame others.

Truthfully, as of tonight, my husband and I have called a truce and a ban on all conversation related to this topic until he sees a counselor a few times. We'll see how that goes.

Earlier you said he seems humbled, and that's good, but that he is still struggling with his own sins.

Assuming these hot women in the ward are also spiritual and living the gospel, what makes him think that he with his current lifestyle could attract these women?

[applepansy]

Obesity is accepted and tolerated .... And not just in the church everywhere, I was talking to my buddy about it and asked why are all the girl that we see fat he said "it's the new style bro"

No its not! Not in my life.

My experience is that people who are overweight or obese have health issues. When those health issues are resolved the weight disappears. Those who diet and exercise but never find or address the underlying health issue never lose the weight.

This fact doesn't make them less loveable or less cherishable (is that a word?). The commandment is to love others as we love ourselves. Shouldn't that apply to our spouses? Even more when they are dealing with health issues?

[Bini]

Earlier you said he seems humbled, and that's good, but that he is still struggling with his own sins.

Assuming these hot women in the ward are also spiritual and living the gospel, what makes him think that he with his current lifestyle could attract these women?

It's amazing what a loving and supportive relationship between husband and wife can do. When one spouse shows love and support to the other, it shows outwardly, and in many ways. Feeling good about oneself, is an example. Having confidence in what one does, is another example. Maybe these women are so attractive and glowing because they feel valued! You treat someone like dirt, they feel like dirt. You treat someone with respect, and they feel respected. How anyone figures that by degrading or bullying their spouse will conclude in results THEY want, is beyond me.

[garryw]

Then when and where is the cherishing taking place? Is this your version of the crazy wife in the attic? Pretend she doesn't exist?

It would take place in the dark of course.

To be honest I've never had a fat wife, not sure I'm missing out on anything. I suppose some would argue otherwise.

[Guest]

All of your wives have been thin?

[Backroads]

But garryw, you seem that you would be ashamed of your wife. Is that what you're saying? If I were the "fat wife" of yours in question, I would be definition getting mixed signals if you claimed to love me but didn't want to admit to anyone we were together. Please explain further so I can see where you're coming from.

[Bini]

It would take place in the dark of course.

To be honest I've never had a fat wife, not sure I'm missing out on anything. I suppose some would argue otherwise.

If someone believes that love is conditional by "skin deep" standards - they've missed out on everything that IS a loving marriage. There's nothing to argue. What someone is as a WHOLE, is of much more value than how many inches their waistline is.

[annewandering]

What would take place in the dark? Sex? Ok if so then you should know sex does not equal cherish. It equals sex. Cherish is so much more and CAN be shown in sex but that is hardly all of it.

[tumbledquartz]

TumbledQuartz,

dont mean to be repetitive, but I would really like to know the answer to the question i asked earlier.

Quite honestly, and with all respect given, i couldnt care less what your husband thinks of you, Im more interested in your opinion.

Are you content with yourself? If you didnt have your husband nagging at you about your weight, would you even think about it?

Lets be honest, people come in all shapes and sizes. Sometimes asking someone to lose weight is like asking my 5ft wife to grow a couple inches. Ive seen too many times, big boned people try so hard to be skinny, they accomplish it and their body just goes into absolute shock because it just wasnt made to do that. everyday they were fighting head colds.. flu.. the shakes.. all those symptoms all because they went past their limits.

Have you ever heard the phrase "you wear it well" , in reference to someone asking about anothers weight? numbers on a scale mean nothing, If you have a sincere smile on your face and life is good, to me that constitutes "wearing it well"

A few years a ago, I would've said yes. I liked who I was, I felt accomplished, and I actually thought I was pretty. In the last year, that answer has degraded to a resounding NO. When I look in the mirror these days, all I see is a fat, lazy loser. I hate sounding like a victim, but he's told me I'm a fat, lazy loser just a few too many times and I can't get his voice out of my head. I'm trying to see ME again, but as long as I know that he is waiting to see if I can get skinny before his patience runs out, I can't seem to do it. (feel confident about myself, that is.) And honestly, as long as we're together, I don't know if I'll be able to change that. He's made his parameters very clear of what "hot" looks like and there's absolutely no way to wear my weight well enough in his eyes. I have to lose at least 50 lbs and/or look like I could compete in a fitness competition. The end. That's what he wants.

Edited July 27, 2012 by tumbledquartz
Clarification

[Finrock]

Question: Why are you ladies even bothering with garryw? He doesn't know what he is saying.

Regards,

Finrock

[annewandering]

A few years a ago, I would've said yes. I liked who I was, I felt accomplished, and I actually thought I was pretty. In the last year, that answer has degraded to a resounding NO. When I look in the mirror these days, all I see is a fat, lazy loser. I hate sounding like a victim, but he's told me I'm a fat, lazy loser just a few too many times and I can't get his voice out of my head. I'm trying to see ME again, but as long as I know that he is waiting to see if I can get skinny before his patience runs out, I can't seem to do it. (feel confident about myself, that is.) And honestly, as long as we're together, I don't know if I'll be able to change that. He's made his parameters very clear of what "hot" looks like and there's absolutely no way to wear my weight well enough in his eyes. I have to lose at least 50 lbs and/or look like I could compete in a fitness competition. The end. That's what he wants.

Tumbled, you are worth so much more than that. He has got you where he can manipulate you however he wants now and make you take the guilt for anything he does. You deserve way more than that. Think back to how you felt a year ago looking in the mirror. Pretty, accomplished and likable. Guess what? That is what is true.

Maybe it threatened him that you were doing so good and he was messing up so bad. I dont know but he has done a number on you. You are that woman you saw then. His vision is very clouded. Please dont believe him.

[tumbledquartz]

Tumbled, you are worth so much more than that. He has got you where he can manipulate you however he wants now and make you take the guilt for anything he does. You deserve way more than that. Think back to how you felt a year ago looking in the mirror. Pretty, accomplished and likable. Guess what? That is what is true.

Maybe it threatened him that you were doing so good and he was messing up so bad. I dont know but he has done a number on you. You are that woman you saw then. His vision is very clouded. Please dont believe him.

Thank you, Anne. Something about what you said here and the way you said it really struck a chord with me. Hopefully agreeing not to talk about this with him any more for a while will help get his opinions out of my self-talk, too. The thing that helps me the most is when I pray, I feel comfort. I can't say I necessarily feel happy about how I look when I pray, but I feel a general peace and calm. When I look in the mirror again, it goes away usually, but when I pray again, it comes back, so I think I need to do that more and think about how I look less. I am also going to concentrate on getting some more exercise and eating healthier, and maybe that will make a difference in my weight and maybe even in his approval, but I can't have that be my goal. I really do want to be healthier and to feel good and be able to take the stairs two at a time and all that again.

Edited July 28, 2012 by tumbledquartz

[SunsetWatcher]

Hi TumbledQuartz,

I wanted to say that reading through these pages has let me change my perspective somewhat. I'll admit that I've only been physically attracted to women whose bodies show the effects of frequent exercise (and who are nice, and smart, and spiritual, and love children--these are all also important to my brain)... but as for which sisters in my ward I think I could have a happy marriage with, that number would be higher!

At only 21 and merely engaged, I don't have the experience of many of the senior members here, and it sounds like you got the answer to your original question... so I don't know if what I say will be all that helpful? But say it I will.

Thinking about your husband saying he desired a wife who was 50 pounds lighter made me almost worried about him fantasizing about a woman who wasn't you. But then reading on and considering how people can gain weight and quite certainly stay the same eternal being as they were earlier, I suppose that should go both ways. As your husband has seen you 50 pounds lighter (yes?) when you were younger, then he should be interested in a future you and not one of those "trophy wives." I would make sure to be clear with your husband that he is not fascinated with the idea of a woman that you're not going to be. If he is interested in your face on a slimmer version of your body... then your goal is at least feasible?

Not everybody here is taking your husband's word at face value (that his attitude will change after you lose weight), but it sounds like you'll need faith in his dedication if you're going to make this marriage a happy one? (May I say, I really admire your faith in your husband! You being able to find so many positive traits in your husband, when he's said negative things about you, and committed sins against your marriage... Tumbled, you are a true woman of faith, and a covenant keeper!)

I'm of the opinion that if you and your husband want to get you to lose weight, then it needs to be a group effort. If he's let himself go while you got yourself doing 5k's last year, then maybe he's really not going to enjoy exercising at first, but with effort he could build that back. I think if he expects you to exercise a lot then he should be willing to root you on and keep you company for your exercise, at least? I suppose you could also get a friend to go with you (or a pet maybe), but as he is the one asking for this it only seems reasonable that he be willing to help (at least with watching the kids, I guess?).

Thanks - this is definitely a good idea, although I know the gym idea won't work for me. Have you seen what girls wear to the gym? It's a meat market, and I don't really want to encourage him to go there. He has a membership, but hasn't been in a long time, and maybe that's why? If he doesn't want to go to church and be tortured by seeing gorgeous women, it's gotta be worse at the gym.

I'm not sure that is the whole truth for the reason your husband doesn't want to go to the gym. (He didn't want to see the women at church or social functions because he doesn't want to see the wives these men have? But if it helps your husband avoid temptation or pornography, then I suppose it's what he needs to do.) If he doesn't like the gym, and you don't either, then maybe just avoiding it is the best bet. That said, if you were to go together and ride stationary bikes or do some light strength training or swim in the pool, I'd have to hope that he can keep his eyes on the right woman? At the gyms I've been to, I would be more concerned (if I was a woman) to see too much of the many muscular men

(I came across a great Ensign article earlier today, so I thought I would share it!)

While I've been doing a lot of exercise to drop weight for an upcoming wedding I think the only reason that it is working for me is that I've been able to control my diet this summer, as I am in charge of all my own food shopping. If I have snacks around I tend to graze on them when I'm bored or stressed (i.e. always), so I've basically stopped buying them. (You've obviously had a lot of experience with trying to lose weight, so I'm not assuming that this applies to you.) But can you limit those types of purchases at the store? I'm not talking about forcing your entire family onto a rabbit food diet... but can you control the level of junk food in your home? If your husband wants you to lose weight, he better be willing to eat whole wheat pasta for dinner, and not tempt you with huge plates of nachos, and not suggest too many trips to get fast food, etc. (I've also never had to purchase food for kids and a spouse, so please forgive me if I'm simplifying this! When I was a kid I sure demanded we buy as many tasty things as possible when we went shopping!)

I'm feel optimistic about your chances, but hey, it seems that you are too :) I try to have a lot of faith in marriage working out. As for what is hardest on kids... for me my parents obviously had a lot of disagreements, because they divorced shortly after I moved out to college ...I am grateful that they mostly kept it to themselves--mostly: one argument that was had (literally over me) about whether physical punishment was appropriate or not... as a kid, it's really easy to blame yourself over your parents' decision to split? But if your husband is as good a dad as you say, then I hope you can show just love for each other in front of your children :)

Whether your weight loss effort succeeds, or you try to convince your husband that it is worth staying around for the wonderful, beautiful women that he already has, it is ultimately going to come down to him. Even with only getting one side of the story, it sure doesn't sound like the blame is split 50-50! He says that he values the righteous women that he would see at church, and he is going to need to be very righteous to overcome his struggles. I really hope that this journey is able to help both of you grow closer! Good luck!

Edited July 29, 2012 by SunsetWatcher

[tumbledquartz]

Thanks - you've said a lot of helpful things here and given me things to think about for sure.

As your husband has seen you 50 pounds lighter (yes?) when you were younger, then he should be interested in a future you and not one of those "trophy wives." I would make sure to be clear with your husband that he is not fascinated with the idea of a woman that you're not going to be. If he is interested in your face on a slimmer version of your body... then your goal is at least feasible?

He does, in fact, say that the reason he is still here is because he loves me and he doesn't think he could find someone else with everything he wants AND all of my great inherent qualities. And that part of why he fell in love with me is because he finds me pretty (phew! No plastic surgery!) and that, especially as weight is at least somewhat changeable and he has seen me skinny and therefore doesn't think it should be /that/ hard for me to get there again, he has hope that I can do it and magically transform into his princess charming. And that he would much rather have a skinny me than a skinny someone else.

At least that does take some of the sting out of the fact that it all hinges on the "skinny" part. It still hurts that he would rather take skinny-and-not-me over not-skinny-me, but not /so/ much.

(I came across a great Ensign article earlier today, so I thought I would share it!)

Thanks for sharing. That article has a ring of truth to it, and I was kind of surprised to see how long ago it was written. I think we may be losing some of our common sense as far as weight-loss goes because those myths are sure becoming more and more accepted as fact. But, like I said, a lot of it rang true to me.

I'm not talking about forcing your entire family onto a rabbit food diet... but can you control the level of junk food in your home? If your husband wants you to lose weight, he better be willing to eat whole wheat pasta for dinner, and not tempt you with huge plates of nachos, and not suggest too many trips to get fast food, etc. (I've also never had to purchase food for kids and a spouse, so please forgive me if I'm simplifying this! When I was a kid I sure demanded we buy as many tasty things as possible when we went shopping!)

Yes, shopping to feed a family (with picky kids!) is definitely harder than shopping to feed a person, but I'm somewhat lucky in this regard because my husband is already dieting and losing weight on Atkins (not my fave but he's an all-or-nothing person and that's an all-or-nothing diet that works for him) and basically makes his own food, or picks out what he can eat from what I make, so that's one down. And kids are just going to complain no matter what, so might as well be over something healthy. It has to be something /I/ can live with and stick to first and foremost. So, no mushrooms or sushi. (Okay, so I'm a little picky, too. Sue me) I'm actually pretty good at telling my kids to eat what we're having or go to bed hungry (and then sticking to it,) so they already know I'm mean. And they're great at complaining, so we're all set.

(Although, lest you think I'm too mean, I always tell them that they are free to eat any fruit or veggies we have in the house if they don't want the actual dinner I made. Just no sandwiches, hot dogs, or whatever else they want instead of dinner. So if it's something really despicable (like mushrooms or sushi, for example) they can still choose something healthy rather than go to bed actually hungry. They usually choose the dinner in the end.)

for me my parents obviously had a lot of disagreements, because they divorced shortly after I moved out to college ...I am grateful that they mostly kept it to themselves--mostly: one argument that was had (literally over me) about whether physical punishment was appropriate or not... as a kid, it's really easy to blame yourself over your parents' decision to split? But if your husband is as good a dad as you say, then I hope you can show just love for each other in front of your children

I'm so sorry - that's exactly when my parents divorced, too. We do argue in front of (and even over) the kids at times, though it's generally rare, but we also kiss in front of them, so I guess we're scarring them both ways. No, but really, I do think about this and try to make sure they see us make up and say nice things to each other and not just fight. Recently he got down on them for not doing chores and told them that he doesn't want to live in a dirty house, and it made me worried that if he leaves, they will think it's because of them. As we have already been separated in the past, I told them Dad leaving didn't have anything to do with them or chores; it had to do with lots of things they don't know about and that, while we need to do chores and keep our house nice and that that will even be a nice thing to do for Dad because he especially likes it clean, it's not the real issue. I don't know if what I said is enough, but if we divorce, I'm sure there will need to be more conversations along those lines.

Anyway, thanks for all your nice words and encouragement, too. And good luck on your upcoming marriage!

[NightSG]

In my experience, (and yes, I'm divorced, so I've been there) one of the biggest problems a man will have with a larger woman is the choice between remaining righteous and remaining happy. I've never had a thin woman ask me if an outfit makes her butt look big, but there's just no answer that is both fully true and happiness-promoting to a woman who shouldn't be trying to blame it on the outfit. (For reference, just saying no because the outfit has nothing to do with it won't be believed either.)

And no, trying to divert it with "you're beautiful to me" doesn't work either. Even if it's as true and complete as the Gospel, it will be taken as "you're a revolting cow to everyone else, but I, and I alone love you enough to overlook that."

I've occasionally pondered how Christ Himself would have handled such a question, and all I could come up with was complete silence. There just isn't an answer that is simultaneously honest, kind and believable. Unfortunately, when I tried silence, it was received even worse than "you're beautiful to me."

IMO, the only good way out of this is if you can, in full and complete honesty, say "no, in fact it makes you look so good I'm not taking you anywhere outside this bedroom for a few hours," and be fully prepared to back that up. Unfortunately, as I mentioned above, those women generally don't need such an assurance, so they don't ask.

ETA: Ok, it's not entirely true that they never ask, some athletically-built women who think they're fat do. Unfortunately, the last one that I really wanted to give that last answer to waited until after I converted to ask.

Edited August 13, 2012 by NightSG

[annewandering]

lol my husband just say of course a person can be and he said he was happily married to me. Am I insulted? No. I am not skinny for a fact and he is happy for a fact. It is still a pointless question. Its not weight that is the issue. Its love and acceptance that are the issues.

[MichaelPAGuy]

A man can be happily married to an over weight woman, and vice versa. All it takes is love.

[tumbledquartz]

I wonder what would happen if you kept the issue more about the clothes than about her? If the woman is overweight, she already knows it. She's not going to be suffering from any delusions that if she looks fat, it's the pants's fault. She probably just wants to know if the pants are more or less flattering than, say, the pants she was wearing yesterday.

So instead of saying "Yes, you look fat in that," why not say, "Honestly, those pants aren't as flattering as the jeans you wore yesterday," or something to that effect. This might require a little bit of attention being paid to which clothes look better on her than others in order for you to have an intelligent conversation about it, but I think it would be worth it.

You don't have to flat-out lie and say she looks skinny when she really doesn't, but if you keep the conversation about the clothes, you're not as likely to hurt her feelings. At least, that's my thought.

As far as what Christ would do, I don't know that his answer would be the same in every situation. He was able to discern people's thoughts and he would know if they were asking because they were vain or because they needed some reassurance or if they just simply wanted to know whether they should buy that particular dress or whatever.

And if she's beautiful to you, I don't see anything wrong with saying it. If it's the gospel truth that she's beautiful to you, then just leave off the "to me" at the end and say, "you're beautiful." You don't have to include the fact that everyone else might not agree. If she /really/ is beautiful to you, then she's beautiful.

My husband is going to have an uphill battle with this one since he's already told me flat-out that I'm fat and that he only wants to be married to a skinny wife. And furthermore, when I try to point out that there are a lot of people who are heavier than me and that I really don't look that bad, he says, "It doesn't matter. If you're not hot, you're fat." But if you haven't ever told your wife/girlfriend that she's fat, I don't think it's a stretch to think she could believe you if you say she looks beautiful.

[Guest]

"It doesn't matter. If you're not hot, you're fat."

What a despicably mean-spirited thing to say.

I say again, he is SO lucky to have you.

[annewandering]

What a despicably mean-spirited thing to say.

I say again, he is SO lucky to have you.

Not so sure she is lucky to have him. Mean is worse than fat. Let's ask this question. "Can you be happy married to a mean, selfish person?"

[Guest]

Not so sure she is lucky to have him. Mean is worse than fat. Let's ask this question. "Can you be happy married to a mean, selfish person?"

Lucky for him, she seems determined to do everything she can to hold the marriage together. I admire that. Me, I would have thrown the book at him a long time ago and told him that maybe I can lose weight, but he can't get a personality transplant.

[annewandering]

Lucky for him, she seems determined to do everything she can to hold the marriage together. I admire that. Me, I would have thrown the book at him a long time ago and told him that maybe I can lose weight, but he can't get a personality transplant.

And that is probably one reason, out of many, that our husbands arent going to do any such thing.