How do I tell my wife I am leaving the church?

[Swiper]

But if you have already prejudiced yourself against the Church by deciding that its social teachings are not fashionable in the face of popular ideas of the last ten or so years, that is unlikely to happen.

I suspect that its as unlikely to happen as the abolishment of polygamy and allowing blacks to have the priesthood.

[Guest]

I suspect that its as unlikely to happen as the abolishment of polygamy and allowing blacks to have the priesthood.

Okay, then this is an easy fix. This is just a matter of you not understanding what is policy and what is doctrine.

Polygamy - policy. Noah, Jacob, David of the Old Testament - they all had many wives... all approved by God (well, except for David's last wife). Therefore, the number of wives allowed for man is something that changes according to God's dictates - this has always been the case since time immemorial. And even in the time of the early LDS church - polygamy was only allowed for specific people, not everybody.

Blacks and the Priesthood - policy. Priesthood has always been selective. In the olden days only Levites can be priests.

Gay marriage - doctrine. The gender composition of the family unit is set at the time of Adam and Eve and has not - and never has - changed.

Edited July 23, 2012 by anatess

[Swiper]

--- as it seems then that his whole membership/marriage may be built on deceit? How awful. I do not see any way that he can expect to not devastate his wife and daughter with that confession, still it is better to begin today to be as honest as possible

... as it seems to me that he has had a hard time to deal with people honestly

I think that I'm a pretty honest person. I try my best to do the right in life and treat others like I want to be treated myself. Sometimes I fail, but that's a human thing to do. There was no deceit behind me joining the church, I did that with pure heart and intent. It was a big leap of faith for me as I grew up in a Lutheran/Atheist-family. I wanted to be a member for the right reasons and I wanted to have strong testimony.

Well, at least I am only a closet-Apostate. It could be worse, my last bishop is now in jail for child molestation. I'm sure he also had a current temple recommend unlike me.

I don't think that Swiper began his marriage in deceit. I think they began like most young couples...in good faith. I remember what I was like back in my 20's. I did the best I could. But what I wouldn't give to go back and make my decisions with the brain I have now. :)

And while we make promises at marriage, we don't promise that we'll never change or that we'll never struggle. The fact is that people do change and that MANY pass through trials of faith. We grow....and we grow up. Marriage is about growing up together....even if its hard and even if we have to deal with the unexpected. So what if his trial looks on its face different than some others. And who knows how this story will end. I think it takes a load of courage to have this conversation....with us AND with his wife. It's ok if he is hesitating and trying to prepare for the best outcome. I think that shows the love he has for his wife.

Thank you. I might have faultered on certain issues when it comes to my faith and my marriage, but I have always had the best of intentions.

[Backroads]

So what I'm taking from this is that you really don't have too much complaint with actual doctrines--your biggie is current political policies of the Church. Is that correct?

I'm saying this because I think you ought to be honest with your wife about what you do have issues with and what you don't. You might not want her begging you to work on your testimony, but if you're going to be honest, be completely honest. I'm sure she's going to have questions.

[Swiper]

Okay, then this is an easy fix. This is just a matter of you not understanding what is policy and what is doctrine.

Polygamy - policy. Noah, Jacob, David of the Old Testament - they all had many wives... all approved by God (well, except for David's last wife). Therefore, the number of wives allowed for man is something that changes according to God's dictates - this has always been the case since time immemorial. And even in the time of the early LDS church - polygamy was only allowed for specific people, not everybody.

Blacks and the Priesthood - policy. Priesthood has always been selective. In the olden days only Levites can be priests.

Gay marriage - doctrine. The gender composition of the family unit is set at the time of Adam and Eve and has not - and never has - changed.

I'm not convinced of your argument, but time will tell. I do suspect, however, that the Church will find that its increasingly more difficult to recruit and retain members as the society in large becomes more secular and gay friendly.

[Guest]

Okay, I have a simple contribution to this advice thread. I think I can relate to this because I had to tell my devout Catholic family I'm getting baptized LDS and so I had to come up with the courage to do so in a way that don't alienate them.

My advice for your marriage:

It is worse for you to continue pretending to be LDS if in your heart you really can't be one. So, I suggest you open up to your wife completely and honestly. Your wife will react negatively. You can't really control that. A negative reaction is expected when one feels that someone they love is making a mistake (regardless of whether it really is a mistake or not). But, you can make it easier on your wife by the way you approach it. I think this will be a little less painful if you approach it as - My testimony is weak to non-existent. I want to really search for the truth for myself on my own way. If she has a strong testimony of the truth of the LDS Church, then she can feel assurance that if you're diligently and honestly seeking for truth that you will eventually find it in the LDS Church.

Now, she has found the truth in the LDS Church - and I would think the rest of your family has too. So, you need to leave them to their own truths and not interfere with it in your own search for truth. What I'm trying to say here is that - this will only work if you maintain the utmost level of respect for the LDS Church and not bash it in their presence. Unfortunately, you can't control what they do - so you might hear them bash whatever church you are looking into. Just accept this with humility.

That's all you can really do about that.

Now, my advice for you:

Truth is gained line upon line, precept upon precept, here a little, there a little. We are judged by our own understanding. In the search for truth - what religion you start off at is not as important as the search itself. For example, I started off as a Catholic. I was a very devout Catholic. I have a strong testimony of the truths I gained in the Catholic Church. So, you might ask, how am I LDS now? Well, because, I never stopped searching for truth. If the LDS missionaries would have told me that the truths I learned as a Catholic was evil, I would have slammed the door in their faces.

I have a strong testimony that there is a God while Catholic. Just because I am LDS now doesn't change that testimony. I have a strong testimony of the Trinity - 3 persons, one God. You might think - how is that possible that I'm LDS now? Simple. 3 persons, one God remained true as I studied LDS doctrine. What changed is that while I was learning about pre-mortal existence, my testimony of the Trinity got enhanced - added on. Not subtracted.

In my diligent and honest search for truth, I could have joined any of the other Christian Churches out there that held a doctrinal truth that is absent in Catholicism. As you yourself said - all Churches contain truth. But no, I didn't join any other church except the LDS Church. Why - because all of them would have subtracted a truth that I already had a strong testimony of - for example, Priesthood Authority by Apostolic Succession. Only the LDS Church added truths to my testimony without subtracting to it. My experience supports the claim the LDS holds - that all churches have truth but the LDS Church is the most complete. And these added truths that I learned are so strong that I gained a testimony on a rock. I can't deny it, I can't turn my back on it. It is more important to me than the feelings of my family.

I'm not done searching yet. I am still diligently searching, seeking for truth in all things. It's a lifetime project.

So this is my challenge to you. First and foremost, you have to be diligently and honestly seeking for truth. Don't just change direction when you haven't fully understood what path you are already on. Build your testimony line upon line, precept upon precept and stand your testimony on ROCK not SAND, no matter how small a testimony it may be. Study diligently, pray heartfully with humility. If after all this you find that the Unification Church is where you feel you should be - remove your name from the LDS rolls and join the Unification Church regardless of what your wife has to say about it. When you hold that kind of truth in your hands, it is more important than crushing the feelings of your wife.

I had the courage to leave my family and all my support system because I was THAT SURE of the truth I found. I didn't just switch because of a political issue! My testimony is built on a ROCK so much so that I can stand in the midst of my Catholic family ridiculing my church and not feel bad about it. I love them and they love me and the Gospel of Jesus Christ holds in my heart.

Good luck.

Edited July 23, 2012 by anatess

[Swiper]

So what I'm taking from this is that you really don't have too much complaint with actual doctrines--your biggie is current political policies of the Church. Is that correct?

I do have many issues with the doctrines of the church, but I could have overlooked those issues if the current policies of the church were more sound. I'm not a literal believer of The Bible or the Book of Mormon. I do think, however, that they contain valuable lessons that we can use in our life here on earth to better ourself, our families, and our society.

I'm saying this because I think you ought to be honest with your wife about what you do have issues with and what you don't. You might not want her begging you to work on your testimony, but if you're going to be honest, be completely honest. I'm sure she's going to have questions.

I agree, I think that I will give her the red pill or blue pill option. If she wants to know, I will take her down the rabbit hole.

[Guest]

I'm not convinced of your argument, but time will tell. I do suspect, however, that the Church will find that its increasingly more difficult to recruit and retain members as the society in large becomes more secular and gay friendly.

Are you implying that the LDS Church is not gay friendly? I'm not sure what this means.

The Church is not a political party. If membership declines because its doctrines are not popular, it doesn't really matter much. Not to the Church and not to its membership. The Church doesn't change by the desires of man. It only changes by the desires of God. That is - if it's what it is claimed to be - the TRUE Church.

[Backroads]

While I do respect your decision in this matter (hey, it's your spiritual journey, far be it from me to tell you what to do), I have to admit I do have a pet peeve when it comes to purely focusing on a religion's typical political views.

Then again, it seems more important to you than it does to me, so I guess I'll just stop talking...

[Vort]

I suspect that its as unlikely to happen as the abolishment of polygamy and allowing blacks to have the priesthood.

Not sure I follow your meaning. The two things you mentioned did, of course, happen. Are you suggesting that you may in fact be likely to embrace the truth claims of the LDS Church despite its non-conformity to your philosophies?

[Guest]

Not sure I follow your meaning. The two things you mentioned did, of course, happen. Are you suggesting that you may in fact be likely to embrace the truth claims of the LDS Church despite its non-conformity to your philosophies?

No, he means that gay marriage is going to go down the path of blacks in the priesthood - the Church will eventually "open their eyes?" and allow same-sex marriage within the Church...

[Vort]

No, he means that gay marriage is going to go down the path of blacks in the priesthood - the Church will eventually "open their eyes?" and allow same-sex marriage within the Church...

In context of the discussion, that makes no sense. He was responding to me, and I said nothing about the Church doing any such thing. (Not that you're wrong, just that if you're right, the response is a complete non sequitur.)

[Finrock]

Good afternoon Swiper. I hope you are doing well today! :)

If your wife is a faithful Latter-day Saint she will be devastated by your news.

As far as your reasons for wanting to leave the Church? Well, to be frank, they are false. However, you have your agency and you seem like you've made up your mind.

I'm very sorry for the likely pain and sufferring your revelation is going to produce in your life and the life of your family.

Regards,

Finrock

[NightSG]

In summary, I think the general answer to how to tell your wife you're leaving the church is: very carefully.

[Timpman]

Hey Swiper. I'm ashamed about some of the things people have said here. I am sorry for the harsh and judgmental comments. I commend you for not wanting to hurt your wife and her belief system.

I suppose you could start by recounting your history of why you got baptized and how you have not had a testimony for a long time. Then explain to her why you don't want to be LDS anymore. Tell you you love her and are dedicated to your family. Maybe you could attend sacrament meeting just to sit with her. That would be very cool of you, in my opinion.

[bytor2112]

Well Swiper....if I didn't have a testimony, if I didn't know by the power of the Holy Spirit that the church was true and that God lives and Jesus is the Christ, I certainly would not now or ever be a Latter Day Saint.

Too bad you couldn't have saved your wife and family some heart ache by being honest in the first place. If your family is like most faithful Saints, their social structure, friends, activities....there very lives center around church. I feel for your family. Have you considered being a bit more selfless and at least waiting till your kids are grown? Maybe share your struggles with your wife so she can petition the Lord for guidance and then later, if still nothing, then move on without hurting your kids. As for issues like g/l marriage....you realize that most Christian churches oppose g/l marriage right?

And, what exactly makes you a "spiritual" person and what criteria will this new religious group offer that will fulfill you? Have you already identified this group? How will you wife feel about this new religion or your kids? Will they be confused?

Edited July 25, 2012 by bytor2112

[genuine]

So, then, assuming the LDS Church were everything it claims: if God were willing to tell you that the LDS Church is actually and in very fact his own restored Church, and that the doctrine they preach will lead you to happiness, you would be unwilling to hear it until and unless the Church changed enough of their societal actions to meet with your approval. Only then would you be willing to hear the Lord saying it were true.

Do I understand you correctly?

I believe there will be more members who want to go the worlds way, that will be leaving.

I love that our church will not compromise.

Correct principles don't change. Sorry

[Anddenex]

The problem is that I do love my "Molly Mormon" wife and don't want to hurt her feeling. How can I best let her know about my disbelief without completely destroy her? Any advice is appreciated.

I worked with a woman whose husband joined the church because she said she would not marry outside of the Temple. After a year, he no longer decided to pretend anymore. As a result she divorced him. She was hurt that he would deceitfully join the church, and then stop living it, despite his promises.

You know your wife, if you are concerned this decision of coming out will completely destroy or hurt her, then you must accept the potential consequences of your decision. If she is the "Molly Mormon" you profess her to be, then you will shatter one of the most important gospel doctrines the LDS faith teaches, eternal families. Spiritually you are divorcing her.

However, are you giving your wife enough credit? Does she love the Lord, while loving you? Your marriage is not like my co-workers, in that she was an active Mormon before they dated. Your relationsip began very differently, and she seems to have loved you before you joined the Church. Do you think, yourself, her love will wax cold if you are honest with her?

Did you listen to, or have read, Elder Bednars talk about being a good little boy? His father wasn't a member of the Church until he was older. He would not join the church for anybody else. If I understood your words correctly you mentioned you joined the church for her, pretending you had a testimony and actively served.

I think it would be very hard for anybody to convince someone, or provide a witness to, if they are pretending. You say you sought, but in the same sentence you also say you pretended to believe, and are tired of pretending. Pretending and sincerely seeking a witness, as you already know, are not the same.

My suggestion would be to stop pretending you have a testimony, and actually sincerely seek an answer yourself?

A question that enters into my mind is, Does your wife already know you are pretending? In some relationships, a person will compensate for the decision of their companion. Her "Molly Mormon" decisions could be a direct result of your pretending, and she is hoping through her increased activity that this will help her companion? I am not saying this is it, but providing different thoughts.

[Eleven]

Swiper, Ill try to not deviate and answer your question clearly

best way to let her know is dont blurt it out all at once. Sit her down and prepare her and just say " hey sometime is troubling me and i need to discuss something with you"

I can tell you have animosity towards the church, your greatest mistake would be taking that and aiming it at your wife. Also, a lot of us members on this thread are asking you a lot of questions we may or may not have the right of asking, but thats up to you.. what i dont believe is up to you is to be fair to your wife and please allow her to ask these questions.. but be mad and short with her when she is persistent in asking a lot of questions too.. your conversation with her will definitely be devastating, but dont allow it to get hostile.

Remember, in her heart she believes that if you two live worthily, you can stay sealed. Any marriage outside of the temple always says "until death do you part". By leaving the church, your leaving this grand belief and way of life in your marriage.

I dont know how serious your wife is, and Ive heard two sides of this story.. Some wives stay with their husbands no matter what.. some leave with divorce because in their heart, they may feel "If i cant have him forever, why have him now?"

again, i dont know your wife... but just be cautious ok?

Can we at least agree that you're leaving the church UNTIL a testimony falls out of the sky? I would think that would be a worlds difference to your wife than just saying "Im leaving no matter what".

[NadiaStar]

I'm of the opinion you should say it now. Be honest, but refrain from being too mean. My mother has more or less left the Church (still technically has her name on the rolls) and one thing that drives the active members in the family nuts is her getting snooty or even downright mean about things in the Church she doesn't like. It doesn't so much for family togetherness, so PLEASE be respectful of your wife's beliefs and decisions--and by respect, I don't mean they "I'm going to love her even though she's an idiot for believing like she does". True respect.

With respect in place, that will do wonders for helping your family through this. I don't see the sense in "faking it". Be honest and be respectful and get it out in the open.

[Forget_me_not]

If you are still seeking advice or perhaps perspective on your quandary, I can offer you some insight that may be helpful as my husband told me a few years ago that he was leaving the church. We are still married and now have 5 children but it hasn't been easy...

[Dove]

This reminds me a lot of this thread; http://www.lds.net/forums/marriage-relationship-advice/41166-would-do-more-damage-come-clean.html

Hopefully this will help the OP as well...

[applepansy]

If you are still seeking advice or perhaps perspective on your quandary, I can offer you some insight that may be helpful as my husband told me a few years ago that he was leaving the church. We are still married and now have 5 children but it hasn't been easy...

I hope things are going better for you.

[annewandering]

Ouch. I would be leary of having more children. Sounds like you still have some faith and hope for him to change his mind. :)

[Schwesterherz]

I how now reached a point in my life when I can no longer pretend to be a true believer. I'm a very spiritual person, but I have not been able to follow my true spiritual path for many years and I am tired of not being able to do so.

@Swiper, as God restored the church on earth, he knew that we are all incomplete people. All of us want this often to go a different way. For our testimony nobody is responsibly other than us. And around this testimoy had to fight every single day.

I do not have (and will never have) a testimony about the truthfulness of the gospel;

Why do you think that you never receive a testimony of the Gospel? Because you doubt? Because you think not to be "worthy enough"? Or does not answer to you because you think God would not do this?

Doubts are good because they keep the human mind up. The doubt takes care that we do not believe everything blindly. We have made with blind faith and blind obedience make many bad experiences just in Nazi Germany .

The doubt only may get not too powerful. To quote Paul: "Checks everything and keep the best"!

God answers every person who asks him for an answer. Sometimes we do not hear his answer. Sometimes we do not want to hear the answer. Sometimes we even think we would be cleverer than God. But we are not so clever!

I disagree with many of the church doctrines; and I can not sustain the church leadership anymore. I want to resign my membership and join a different religious group.

I am a gay man. And I have also many problems with what the prophet and other leaders tell about this to the church. I struggle with this topic every day. I accept it because I have a testimony of God. I would prefer another message of God. A message, after which it is okay to be gay.

But God does not say this by his prophet. It is the will of God that I marry straight, or be celibate. I submit to the will of God because I know that it is the best for me.

The problem is that I do love my "Molly Mormon" wife and don't want to hurt her feeling. How can I best let her know about my disbelief without completely destroy her? Any advice is appreciated.

The best is always to talk frankly with her about your feelings and doubts. Perhaps she can help you? Perhaps will you be no more member of the church but still the man whom she loves? It is important that you tell her what you feel!