How do I tell my wife I am leaving the church?

[Schwesterherz]

It isnt a matter of hurting her feelings. It destroys her dream of being an eternal family. Or at the least puts a severe dent in it.

So what path do you dream of following that you prefer?

I agree with you there. She will have that fear. But shall he be silent? Shall he be pretending as if everything "is well in Zion"? He has doubts and questions. He is afraid. And, if he cannot frankly talk with the person whom he loves, it will destroy him and the family.

If he tells her that he will leave the church, she will have to face three questions:

1 ) Do I love my husband unconditionally?

2) What does it mean for me if the temple marriage will be no longer valid at the eternity )

3 ) Do I love my husband so much that I can accept it if he cannot share my faith any more?

The answers of these questions will be decisive for the continuation of the marriage.

[craftqueen1000]

I respect gay people in the church just like I respect black people in the church. Some things are hard to understand. by the way I am black. and I know the churches past

but I believe in Jesus Christ and I have felt the spirit in my life and I know I have and I can never and will never deny it.

[Schwesterherz]

There will not be any problems as long as gay members of the church keep the commandments of the LORD by themselves. I mean with that the law of chastity.

[Swiper]

Why do you think that you never receive a testimony of the Gospel? Because you doubt? Because you think not to be "worthy enough"? Or does not answer to you because you think God would not do this?

I grew up in an atheist family and was taught to only believe what can be supported by facts and evidence. Despite being raised in atheism I have always been a spiritual seeker looking for a spiritual home. My upbringing did, however, give me a great appreciation of science and history. I cannot have faith in something that I feel is being contradicted by science and historical facts.

"Facts are stubborn things; and whatever may be our wishes, our inclinations, or the dictates of our passions, they cannot alter the state of facts and evidence." -John Adams

I am a gay man. And I have also many problems with what the prophet and other leaders tell about this to the church. I struggle with this topic every day. I accept it because I have a testimony of God. I would prefer another message of God. A message, after which it is okay to be gay.

The church's view on same-sex attraction was one of the main issues that made me come to the conclusion that my perception of God and the teachings of Jesus is very different from the LDS view, too different even.

The best is always to talk frankly with her about your feelings and doubts. Perhaps she can help you? Perhaps will you be no more member of the church but still the man whom she loves? It is important that you tell her what you feel!

I will have to be frank with her. I feel that the current situation is destroying our marriage. She has voiced disappointment about me not living up to my responsibilities as the priesthood holder in the family. She doesn't think I am a very spiritual person; but in reality I am a very spiritual person, but who doesn't fit into the LDS mold.

[Swiper]

I believe there will be more members who want to go the worlds way, that will be leaving.

I love that our church will not compromise.

Correct principles don't change. Sorry

The church has compromised on many instances. The abolishment of polygamy was a huge compromise and it can also be argued that the removal of the priesthood ban was a compromise.

If you look at the history of the church you will also notice that other parts of church doctrine and principles has changed throughout the years, e.g. the introduction and abolishment of the United Order of Enoch as an example. In addition, both priesthoods and the principle of eternal marriages was not part of original church doctrine (came through later relevations).

[Swiper]

Too bad you couldn't have saved your wife and family some heart ache by being honest in the first place.

I got baptised with the best of intentions. I wanted to believe in the Gospel because it was important to my wife and I was attracted to the eternal family concept. I took a string of coincidences as a sign (or excuse) to get baptist despite still having doubts. I was comfortable the first few years in the church. I didn't let my doubts and lack of a strong testimony bug me and I ignored doctrinal and historical issues I had trouble with. The last few years I had a spiritual reawakening of my old beliefs in combination with a greater awareness about civil rights issues. Issues with the church that I had ignored suddenly became big elephants in the room.

If your family is like most faithful Saints, their social structure, friends, activities....there very lives center around church. I feel for your family. Have you considered being a bit more selfless and at least waiting till your kids are grown?

While most of my wife's friends are part of the Relief Society our social structure and lives doesn't center around church. We only have one child and she hasn't become deeply involved in church life yet. If we left the church today, our daughter would probably not even notice as she's too busy in her own little world (she has mental health issues).

Maybe share your struggles with your wife so she can petition the Lord for guidance and then later, if still nothing, then move on without hurting your kids. As for issues like g/l marriage....you realize that most Christian churches oppose g/l marriage right?

I acknowledge that most Christian churches in the United States opposes same-sex marriages; I am, however, aware that many others church not only tolerate but also approve of same-sex marriages. I personally believe that Jesus would approve of same-sex marriages if he walked on earth today.

And, what exactly makes you a "spiritual" person and what criteria will this new religious group offer that will fulfill you? Have you already identified this group? How will you wife feel about this new religion or your kids? Will they be confused?

Unitarian Universalist Christian Fellowship

UU CHRISTIAN FELLOWSHIP

Members of the Unitarian Universalist Christian Fellowship, like many Christians, and many Unitarian Universalists, hold a variety of religious and spiritual beliefs. The largest percentage of our membership does not hold a literal interpretation of scripture; instead, believing that it is a human book written by human hands, which attempts to express the relationship between humanity and that which we call divine.

Most Unitarian Universalist Christians vary in their opinions about the relationship of Jesus to God. Some would be comfortable stating that Jesus was the Son of God; meaning that his relationship with God, while a mystery, imbued him with a special quality of being and knowing that has not been experienced since. Others may call Jesus what he called himself, “the Son of Man,” who came not as a Divine Being, but as a man, born in the same way that all men and women are born, to “bear witness to the Truth.”

Regardless of what an individual “believes,” what most Unitarian Universalist Christians would agree on is that learning from the example of Jesus and studying Scripture for its wisdom is at the heart of their faith. Although that faith may be expressed in a variety of ways—through scholarly research, by devotional reading, through prayer, meditation and spiritual practices, Unitariian Universalist Christians join together in mutual celebration and confirmation of the Christian witness in larger movement of Unitarian Universalism.

Only a small percentage of Unitarian Universalists would identify their theological orientation as Christian. However, the UUCF continues to bear witness to the living truth of ancient Scripture, of the teachings and works of Jesus, and his lasting impact upon contemporary women and men of the 21st century.

[Swiper]

Hey Swiper. I'm ashamed about some of the things people have said here. I am sorry for the harsh and judgmental comments.

It's ok. I expected some harsh and judgmental comments. It's normal for people to be defensive and protective about their own beliefs. That's why I posted the question here and not on some other advice site. Even the most harsh and judgmental comments are helpful when it comes to planning my next move.

I commend you for not wanting to hurt your wife and her belief system.

Thank you. I had the best of intentions from the start. I thought that I would be able to adopt her belief system as mine. The very last talk I gave during sacrament meeting about a year ago had to do with the importance of family. I ended the talk with addressing my wife and I quoted Ruth 1:16.

"Don't urge me to leave you or to turn back from you. Where you go I will go, and where you stay I will stay. Your people will be my people and your God my God."

About thirteen years ago, I tried to do the right thing, or at least what I perceived to be the right thing, and adopted my wife's religion as my own. It didn't work out as I had hoped. If that makes me a bad person in the eyes of some, so be it.

I suppose you could start by recounting your history of why you got baptized and how you have not had a testimony for a long time. Then explain to her why you don't want to be LDS anymore. Tell you you love her and are dedicated to your family. Maybe you could attend sacrament meeting just to sit with her. That would be very cool of you, in my opinion.

I have bought her two books, a biography about Joseph Smith and another one about Emma Hale Smith. Both books can be bought at DeseretBooks. In the books several of the issues that I have problems with are discussed and should hopefully give her a better understanding of my opinions once I decide to "come clean" about my disatisfaction.

Edited August 13, 2012 by Swiper

[Swiper]

I would like to thank everyone who has participated in this thread, critics and supporters alike. Your opinions and wisdom has been greatly appreciated. Thank you.

[applepansy]

Swiper, I hope all the best for you and your family.

[Schwesterherz]

I grew up in an atheist family and was taught to only believe what can be supported by facts and evidence. Despite being raised in atheism I have always been a spiritual seeker looking for a spiritual home. My upbringing did, however, give me a great appreciation of science and history. I cannot have faith in something that I feel is being contradicted by science and historical facts.

There is much in the world which is available; however, what is not provable. Or do you know how the taste of salt comes? How it comes, that hermaphrodites or Siamese twins are born that way? One must only believe, only accept other things until we have understand how it works.

The church's view on same-sex attraction was one of the main issues that made me come to the conclusion that my perception of God and the teachings of Jesus is very different from the LDS view, too different even.

If one doubts it; this is that this is the church of God, of course one comes to this conclusion. Who has a testimony of the Gospel, though the Holy Ghost; accept the will of God, as it was told by his prophets.

Believe me it would be easy to leave the church for me. I do not do it because I know that this is the church of Jesus Christ. And this gives me the strength to live in celibacy.

[Schwesterherz]

Swiper, a suspicion just arose in me. Can it be that you are a troll? That you create a story to make trouble here? Some in your story seems namely very strange to me. It is only a "belly feeling".

[Swiper]

There is much in the world which is available; however, what is not provable. Or do you know how the taste of salt comes? How it comes, that hermaphrodites or Siamese twins are born that way? One must only believe, only accept other things until we have understand how it works.

I actually do know how hermaphrodites or Siamese twins are born that way; there is an explanation for it that I have come to accept as true. I do, however, understand what you are trying to say.

If one doubts it; this is that this is the church of God, of course one comes to this conclusion. Who has a testimony of the Gospel, though the Holy Ghost; accept the will of God, as it was told by his prophets.

In my case, I no longer have doubts and I will exercise my rights according to the 11th article of faith.

Believe me it would be easy to leave the church for me. I do not do it because I know that this is the church of Jesus Christ. And this gives me the strength to live in celibacy.

I do hope that you will have peace and happiness in the church; and that that things will get better for you.

[Swiper]

Swiper, a suspicion just arose in me. Can it be that you are a troll? That you create a story to make trouble here? Some in your story seems namely very strange to me. It is only a "belly feeling".

I'm sincere in my postings and there is no attempt to "troll" the forum to make trouble. It was definitely not my intent to do so (if you suspect that). I just wanted assistance on how to break the news to my wife from members with a strong testimony. I was hoping to find a way to make it less painful for her. It is, however, difficult to explain the reasons for leaving and, at the same time, remain respectful to the beliefs of the ones that still do have a strong testimony in the gospel. I have gotten answers on my question on how to the break the news to my wife and I will therefore end the discussion in the open forum. I do not think this is the time and place for a deeper theological or historical discussion about the gospel and the restoration of the church.

If you wish for me to elaborate on the parts of the story that seems very strange to you, please feel free to PM me.

[Sunnysprite]

I'm a convert into the church since the late 1990s. I'm married to a "Molly Mormon" for the last 15 years. We are sealed in the temple and we have a preteen daughter (baptised and born in the Covenant). I have followed the Commandments, the Covenant, Word of Wisdom, etc, and I been a good father and husband through the years.

The problem is that I never truly gained a real testimony about the truthfulness of the Gospel and the church. I joined the church to make my wife happy with the hopes that I one day would gain a testimony. Unfortunately,I never gained a this testimony and for the last decade I have pretty much only done enough in the church to get by and to please my wife.

I how now reached a point in my life when I can no longer pretend to be a true believer. I'm a very spiritual person, but I have not been able to follow my true spiritual path for many years and I am tired of not being able to do so. I do not have (and will never have) a testimony about the truthfulness of the gospel; I disagree with many of the church doctrines; and I can not sustain the church leadership anymore. I want to resign my membership and join a different religious group.

The problem is that I do love my "Molly Mormon" wife and don't want to hurt her feeling. How can I best let her know about my disbelief without completely destroy her? Any advice is appreciated.

My gosh, I doubt that there is a Mormon less active than I am, but for me the establishment of our church is simply a continuation of the word of Heavenly Father and that is pretty easy to see. Is your family worth your satisfaction? Brace yourself for lots of alimony and child support. Do you care about your child?

[Swiper]

My gosh, I doubt that there is a Mormon less active than I am, but for me the establishment of our church is simply a continuation of the word of Heavenly Father and that is pretty easy to see.

After having done extensive research into the history of the church and its doctrines, I have reached the conclusion that the LDS church is not the continuation of the word of Heavenly Father. That's my personal opinion based on the evidence presented to me.

Is your family worth your satisfaction? Brace yourself for lots of alimony and child support. Do you care about your child?

I do care about my child and I would give my life and soul to save her's. My love for my daughter is the driving force for me wanting to the leave the church right now. I believe that she would be much better off outside the LDS church than inside of it. I know that it's hard for true believers to understand; but apostates do love and care for their families.

[Vort]

My love for my daughter is the driving force for me wanting to the leave the church right now. I believe that she would be much better off outside the LDS church than inside of it.

Then why on earth are you here on this site?!

[Leah]

After having done extensive research into the history of the church and its doctrines, I have reached the conclusion that the LDS church is not the continuation of the word of Heavenly Father. That's my personal opinion based on the evidence presented to me.

I do care about my child and I would give my life and soul to save her's. My love for my daughter is the driving force for me wanting to the leave the church right now. I believe that she would be much better off outside the LDS church than inside of it. I know that it's hard for true believers to understand; but apostates do love and care for their families.

Who claimed that "apostates" don't love and care for their families?

I have no doubt that you love your daughter. I love my daughter, as well, and have doubt that she would be far better off as a member of the church than to be outside of the church. There is nothing in the church that would be harmful to her. But outside the church? She could be destroyed.

[Sunnysprite]

After having done extensive research into the history of the church and its doctrines, I have reached the conclusion that the LDS church is not the continuation of the word of Heavenly Father. That's my personal opinion based on the evidence presented to me.

I do care about my child and I would give my life and soul to save her's. My love for my daughter is the driving force for me wanting to the leave the church right now. I believe that she would be much better off outside the LDS church than inside of it. I know that it's hard for true believers to understand; but apostates do love and care for their families.

Well, let us know how that goes. I am sure that you will see differences.

[Backroads]

Whoa. I don't think anyone ever said non-Mormons don't love their families.

But I do find it interesting, Swiper, that your daughter's wellbeing is your driving force. What in particular bothers you? And what if, when is older, she makes spiritual decisions you don't like?

[bcguy]

swiper, let me ask you, do you really believe Adam and eve were made from the beginning? I hate to say it, but I think parts of the bible are wrong does not mean all of it should be condemned. Just Google "Arti and Lucy" these are humid "first human from possible evolution discover in the last 15 years. There bones have been radiological tested to be millions of years old. Alot older then when the garden of eden was created.

I would say, pick what you believe and disbelieve in this church but if you select another. I am putting in as much as I can into learning the historical significance of human kind and how it fits into religion as a whole.

[Swiper]

Quick update: I resigned in April and I'm officially no longer a member of the LDS church. I'm now attending a Unitarian Universalist Church instead. My wife, while she doesn't share my new religious beliefs, has been supportive of my decision to take a different spiritual path in life. I'm happier today than I have been for many years and I feel that our marriage is stronger now than it has ever been. Thank you for all your advice and opinions.

[Praetorian_Brow]

Thanks for the update.

Interesting how communication is more important than wishful thinking in a marriage.

[Guest]

No matter how much you grind that axe PB, the fact remains that most LDS women strive for an eternal marriage and family, as we're taught to do at church. Most have faith and hope that it's attainable, and most are able to find a partner with the same goals.

I do think the OP's wife did the right thing in sticking with him in spite of his religion change. I'm sure it's hard and painful for her, but she is keeping her covenants with him. I don't think an existing marriage should necessarily break up over a change of religion.

[Praetorian_Brow]

I grind that axe, because my ex used that reason, despite dating missionaries and telling me that I was the only one she loved. More damage was done to our relationship and our shared self esteem by this notion that someone with a better "eternal perspective" is out there. Her family destroyed itself because they thought that someone "better" was out there and so did mine. People forget about the person, when searching for something that they believe is more important that the other person.

I believe so many people miss the point of Christ's message when they reject and judge their potential spouse, mate, or anyone simply because their views on death differ. Considering that no one knows what will happen, its seems silly to tell your heart, sorry, we don't agree about death, so, I will go find more of a Mormon than you. I theorize that if someone was to apply the real teachings of the Christ, then less people would be subjected to the midden heap.

Then again, if you spent all your life in the church culture, then I highly doubt that would happen.

[Guest]

It sounds like she did the right thing, as painful as it is. Before marriage is the right time to make those choices, based on those kinds of reasons. Despite what it says in the song and in the movies, love is not all you need, there is not one "meant-to-be", and marriage does not mean happily ever after. It's all about picking someone compatible who will work with you toward what you both want. That she ended up marrying a louse doesn't mean she didn't make the right choice walking away from a marriage where she'd be compromising her desires. It means she made an unfortunate choice in a husband, not in her goals.

But that's my view from the outside with no emotional attachment to the situation. You of course are free to disagree with me. I think you would be better off, though, not feeling bitter toward women who won't give up the hope of eternal marriage just because you don't happen to believe in it.