Hometeaching vs. being a doormat

[skoshmom]

Hello friends,

I am looking for advice and am sorry that this is going to be long. Any advice will be very much appreciated.

I'd like advice and ideas on how I can support my husband in his calling as a hometeacher - a stretched-to-the-limit hometeacher (he also has 2 other callings as well). My hubby asked if I could be his hometeaching companion, was given permission, and we've been doing our hometeaching thing since he's joined the church (almost 4 years). In the 4 years, we have served and helped out as best we could, giving rides, taking people to the hospital, buying groceries, fixing washing machines and cars and roofs.....The problem is that our ward, which happens to be a wonderful ward, is a ward that has many many many (do you get the point) poor and down and out members. Although we aren't by any means rich, we aren't down and out and have tried to help out with our time, talents, and money as much as we can. I think that out of the 4 families we hometeach, 3 are probably the most financially strapped down and out families in the ward. Now they want to add another financially strapped family to our already overstuffed plate and hubby is very upset by this.

Examples of what I mean are: 1 man is an alcoholic - very bad. He has stolen from his family over the years, and his family has very little contact with him from what I understand. He hasn't attempted to find a job and thinks it's ok to just stay drunk but yet have the bishop's storehouse provide him food on a monthly basis. The bishop has asked that he comes and help clean the ward, pick-up weeds, etc., just little things and oh yeah, come to church on Sundays. Well, in the almost 4 years he has been asking for bishoop storehouse assistance, he has made meager attempts to clean up or pick weeds, and him showing up for sacrament is probably never going to happen. He did come 1 time last month, but left halfway through with some kind lame excuse that he had to leave. Last night we got another phone call from him for the same demands of food - asking for help is one thing, demanding it is quite another. When my husband didn't answer the phone, he left - no kidding 5 more messages to call him back,reminding us that he has been a member his whole life and how he has helped the church since boyhood - really? His tone has totally turned my husband off. My husband now is at the point where he just doesn't want to deal with this man and is totally ignoring this guy's calls, believe me when I say that my husband is not a happy camper, his usual happy, sweet and kind demeanor is gone.

One of the other families (who is quite active in our ward) mainly concerns the father who is bipolar. They are extremely poor, but because of his bipolarism, will not even attempt to find any kind of job (which I know there are certain jobs he can do, but he refuses to even look for a job, even at the bishop's urging). His wife is the main breadwinner and she will not turn down any opportunities to earn an income. She is going to school and in between school, her studies, and taking care of her kids, will work very hard cleaning homes in order to stay afloat while hubby stays home watching tv. They live in very meager conditions.

We were in the fortunate situation that we got new furniture and decided to give them our "old" furniture which includes leather reclining sofa and loveseat, coffee table and end tables, lamps, and tv. All we asked this man to do was ask one of his friends if he could borrow his pickup truck. The thing that makes me so mad is that when it was time to get our old furniture out and into their house, the husband and wife had a major fight, and he walked out on his wife (he returned home 2 days later) and refused to help my husband move the furniture and said "it's not his problem". My husband was left alone at the very last second, trying to move all of this furniture out of our house and into their house before our new furniture was to be delivered - we are talking literally a 5 hour timeframe. He also had to contact the man with the pick-up truck and go and get the truck, etc., a very uncomfortable situation, since we don't know this man very well. Thank goodness for the missionaries at the last minute being able to help my husband. Now this man has come back home, and had the nerve at church to say to us thank you for the furniture - I sure am enjoying it!!!!!! I was so furious and ready to call out this man on his behavior, but his wife begged me not to. Even though it was my idea to give them our furniture, I couldn't even look at this man or talk to him in church I was so angry. I have prayed and fasted and realized that I don' ever want to be angry at church, the place I love to be, and partaking of the sacrament is something I always want to be worthy of.

I don't know what to do to support him in his calling as a hometeacher. The bishop is slowly realizing my husband's frustration, but hasn't done anything about it. Is it ok/can we ask to be released from the families we hometeach and get other families to hometeach, or do we have to wait until he decides it's time for a change? This in no ways has affected our testimonies, but I am walking on eggshells around my husband right now and don't want to make an already bad situation worse. I totally understand that we as LDS are to serve one another and help and I know that there are probably countless stories of very valient hometeachers, but where do you draw the line between being a good, effective, hometeacher and fulfilling your responsibility as opposed to being a doormat?

[NeuroTypical]

Is your husband an elder or a high priest? Your husband should take up the matter with his EQP or HPGL.

Sounds like a very frustrating story. Hard to not judge, but that's probably where you should focus your efforts. Are you able to love this alcoholic slacker as thyself? Do you respect that he is a son of God, and do you see his position as heir to a divine birthright? If not, that's certainly the place you should focus your energies.

[skoshmom]

My hubby is a HP and has already taken it up with the HPGL, it is the HPGL that is adding one more family to our hometeaching route, understanding that we already feel stretched.

I understand that we are to love and serve this man. But where I'm confused is are we supposed to keep providing food to this man for possibly the rest of his life (that's the way it's looking to me right now) while he continues to do what he wants (drink) while he ignores the requests of the bishop to come to attend church and help clean? This man not only demands food every month, but also demands that it be brought to him, he will not even attempt to find other sources in which he might be able to go and pick the food up himself. One time when we brought his food order to him, he got mad because he got powdered milk instead of a gallon of whole milk - no thank you - nothing. The church should not enable this kind of behavior is all I'm saying.

[Sunshine40]

Hello Skoshmom,

Your situation does sounds very frustrating.

Your huband does need to take it up with the high priest group leader or elder's quorum pres. The bishop does not oversee whom home teaches whom.

Nevertheless, in the mean time, ignore the husband/father of the family and focus on everyone else in it. It was right of your husband to ignore that man's demands. The church does not owe him anything. AND if he is not paying tithing, the bishop can say no to the food orders. (out where i live people were joining the church JUST for the food orders, so tithing was made a criteria for receiving them.) However, if he has a wife and children, think of them and make her the head of household in your heart. Ask her what she needs etc. And I have never heard of someone helping out their home teachees financially. That is not your resonsibility. I would ask the HPGL or the EQP to take over this person and family. I think once the stress of this guy is removed, you can handle others very well.

My husband has General Anxiety disorder. He, in some ways, is much like the bipolar guy. I can put myself in his wife's shoes.. He behaved poorly. But his wife and children appreciate your efforts. Please do not let your anger towards his bad behavior affect his wife and children, because they need good home teachers. You did a good thing. The Lord knows you did it. (by the way, imagine his wife , with all her efforts, living with a husband who is so ungrateful. He probably is the same to her, and she is under A LOT of added stress because of his attitude/bipolar-ness.) You can forgive him. He did make an effort to show gratitude. So focus on other members of the family and your Father in Heaven's gratitude that you are willing to serve his children.

Hope this helps.

By the way, kudos to you, my home teachers NEVER come.

-sunshine

[rameumptom]

Your husband and you are not expected to financially assist these families. Nor are you expected to do everything for them. Your husband is to report the needs to the EQP, and allow the quorum to share the burden. Get with your husband on what he/you both can/will do to help these families. Anything above that goes to the quorum to assist and manage.

In fact, the Quorum president is in charge of long term welfare, and so should put in place a system that can help the down and out get back on their feet. He should be looking at local government and charitable resources when possible. If someone needs training for a new job, then there are resources which the quorum can find. Your husband is not to do everything, and should discuss with his quorum leaders where he needs help in this. This can also include rides, etc.

[skoshmom]

Thank you all for the responses so far. It is so nice to get a different viewpoint and advice which is greatly appreciated. Just so hard to watch my usually happy-go-lucky husband seem so unhappy.

I admit, my husband and I are kinda softies and giving money is something that at the time seemed like the right thing to do (given with nothing but love and good intentions). I understand that that is the purpose of our fast offerings. It is sometimes so hard to watch when you see families who are going through some extremely hard financial situations and don't have money to even put gas in their cars.

[applepansy]

skoshmom,

I agree with everyone who has told you that as home teachers its not your job to financially support the families. Its really hard to be in your situation. However, its best to report back on the family situation on the big issues and let the HPGL who then reports to the Bishop, who should then meet with the family about these big issues, and then deal with it.

There are things you can do though. The alcoholic? Don't enable him. If he wants the food bad enough he can come get it. The church has an addiction program and I would hope your Bishop has talked to him about the program. Whatever happens, don't enable. He won't quit until he has too.

My heart goes out to the wife of the Bipolar patient. She is in a very difficult situation. Support her and put some distance between yourselves and her husband. Don't expect anything from him. He is incapable of following through. Even in his "up" times he won't be able to follow through. When he can't follow through it will drop him in to the depths of a depression that makes clinical depression seem like a walk in the park. When that happens his wife and children will suffer. Just do what you can for her and the children (but again you're not required to support her financially). Let the Spirit lead you. It was very kind of you to give her your old furniture. His "thank you" was probably sincere in that moment. He cannot see his bad behavior in the same light you do. Bipolar victims just don't see life events and circumstances the same way. They can't. I hope he is willing to see a doctor and take or find the medications which will help him for his family's sake.

Fasting and prayer, then following the impressions you'll receive from the Spirit will help a lot. If you are doing all you can to follow the Spirit and you or your husband get bad feelings about something you need to listen. The only thing that will stand in the way of the Spirit speaking to you is to become offended by either man.

If these families are truly too much, then your husband needs to tell his HPGL. It may be that he just needs a break for a little while. We all get run down when faced with situations such as you are describing. Its really hard to stay positive. But that's where the test comes. Its when we're the most frustrated that we need to love them the most. But love doesn't mean enable. Sometimes the most loving thing you can do for an addict is not give him what he thinks he needs.

I find it helpful to put the names of people on the prayer roll of the temples, including my own. It really works especially if you're fasting and praying too.

I wish you and your husband the best.

[skoshmom]

Thanks for the advice - please keep it coming. I understand that there are agencies and government programs, etc for assistance. The families that I've mentioned, however are families that have been in this destitute situation for many many years (from what I'm seeing at least 20 - 30 years, no joke). They are probably more aware of all the programs (both government and church sponsored) than I am aware of. Their situation seems to be one of hopelessness and helplessness. I've only been in this ward 4 years, and their problems were there a lot longer time. It seems that the HPGL/EQ, RS, Bishop, and everyone under the sun knows of their situation, this is not something new.

Again, thanks everybody. Just being able to "vent" has helped.

[EarlJibbs]

My hubby is a HP and has already taken it up with the HPGL, it is the HPGL that is adding one more family to our hometeaching route, understanding that we already feel stretched.

I understand that we are to love and serve this man. But where I'm confused is are we supposed to keep providing food to this man for possibly the rest of his life (that's the way it's looking to me right now) while he continues to do what he wants (drink) while he ignores the requests of the bishop to come to attend church and help clean? This man not only demands food every month, but also demands that it be brought to him, he will not even attempt to find other sources in which he might be able to go and pick the food up himself. One time when we brought his food order to him, he got mad because he got powdered milk instead of a gallon of whole milk - no thank you - nothing. The church should not enable this kind of behavior is all I'm saying.

Sounds a little like my ward :) We have some "lifers" like this. I know that my Bishop will not at least pay any bills if they are drinking or smoking. The way he puts it is that he knows of some members of our ward that barely make it every month and go without some items to be able to give a generous fast offering. How is it fair that they give so that someone else can live a frivolous lifestyle? With the storehouse it is a little different since it is not coming directly out of the ward/stake money.

I think that you are warranted to let the person know that they cannot simply expect you to be their delivery service. But I think we should all be careful of judgement (mind you, I am not claiming you are) about if the Bishop decides to give food orders to some people that we ourselves do not feel that he should. Beleive me it is hard. I drive by the Bishops store house every day and see up to 3 grocery carts piled high going into an escalade. I have never had that many groceries in my life! But, hey, that is the decision of the Bishop to use the sacred resources of the church.

We limit our home teachers to no more than 2 families that are going to take up a lot of time. If they have those two, they normally do not get any more families.

Keep talking to your HP group leader about it. There may be some communication problems and the Bishop may not be hearing about what you are reporting. You may want to place a bug into an councelors ear and maybe the Bishops. He and his councelors personally approve all HT routes. Good Luck

[skippy740]

My father is a great home teacher. In fact, that was how he met my mother all those years ago!

My father is also legally blind and can't do a whole lot on his own simply because he can't see as well. So, when one of his families needed a new fence to be built, he knows he can't do it himself (nor did he have the skills). He calls his HPGL to 'corral the quorum' for service projects, etc.

In essence, my father serves as a "point of contact" for his families to get the help that they need.

How does this apply? Well, my father isn't ABLE to help on many things, but he does coordinate with others to help get those needs met. He communicates the need to the HPGL and together work out how to meet the needs of his families.

You may say "But my husband has no handicaps of his own". The principle still stands. He doesn't have to shoulder all of this on his own. He needs to delegate and coordinate with his HPGL regarding these families' needs.

I believe that once you take the burden off of your shoulders, and place them on the Lord and the HP quorum... you will feel less stress and able to feel more love towards your families. You may be able to focus on serving the OTHERS in the family instead of the ones that you feel some animosity towards at this time.

In addition to doing more "returning and reporting", a greater sense of the situation will be reported back to the HPGL and the Bishop. They can make other decisions in light of continuing "returning and reporting".

[skoshmom]

We limit our home teachers to no more than 2 families that are going to take up a lot of time. If they have those two, they normally do not get any more families.

We currently have 4 families we hometeach, with one more being added. That's a total of 5 families of which 4 are unemployed.

[Vort]

Fyi, having four or five families to home teach is not unusual. In wards with high inactivity rates, it's the norm to home teach that many or sometimes more.

[EarlJibbs]

Fyi, having four or five families to home teach is not unusual. In wards with high inactivity rates, it's the norm to home teach that many or sometimes more.

Definitely not unusual. The majority of our ward are assigned around 4+ families. Our exception is if you have a few families that are needy. When I was EQP I made the mistake of assigning 4 needy families to myself. It about dragged me under. Luckily for myself, the Bishop realized the error and asked that I spread that out.

[Yehshen]

If you are feeling like a doormat (even asking question), that is your first warning sign to cut back.

I'm in my first year of membership in church, but I don't think you are responsible for anything beside visiting and then communicating any perceived need to bishopric/quorum leaders.

Having said that, I've struggled for years with a friend who is totally hopeless at money, keeps getting herself in stupid fixes, and then EXPECTS financial and other assistance at the drop of a hat....and not always for necessities. I finally took the position that I am not a bank, and no money from me. Guess what? She found more friends, all seemingly very generous for awhile. But during the time I was open to helping, I can tell you that every discreet problem seemed to warrant help, and I felt cheap and uncaring if I failed to do anything. It was only when I could see the pattern that I finally cut back.

I think that is the value of bishopric/quorum leaders: they may be able to see a pattern that would justify assistance or denial of assistance, and takes the sole responsibility from you. In the unlikely event that I would loan money/give gifts, I would want to funnel through church and maintain anonyminity.

On the other hand, I saw my home teacher once and he promptly disappeared. Perhaps I just didn't ask him for enough. My kitchen needs remodeling. Perhaps I should request such service from the next priesthood holder who is unforturnate enough to pass by my house:D

[Finrock]

Good afternoon skoshmom! I hope you are doing well. :)

Before I give you my "advice" let me provide some context. In my ward there are roughly 400 members with perhaps 100 members who are active. In elders quorum we have six companionships, each companionship is assigned 6 to 8 families. We probably don't even have half of the families assigned hometeachers because we don't have the man power to do it. Many, many of our members live beneath the poverty line. There are many needs to fill in our Ward. Please understand that you and your husband are not alone in this struggle. Below, I have provided some things that have helped me with my hometeaching.

As hard as it might be, try not to judge these families and/or individuals. The wounds of sin are real even though we cannot see them like we can see physical wounds. There are people in this world who don't even know they need to be healed. We can pray to be able to see people as God sees them. We cannot control how others act but we can control how we act. There is no need for us to be taken advantage of, I am not suggesting that, but I am suggesting that if you place your burdens before the Lord, he will provide a solution. The solution isn't going to be magical and it likely isn't going to be instant. It will likely be a struggle and it will likely test your faith; but I am learning that as we take a chance and just give up on these foolish notions we sometimes feel are so important and just allow God to work through us, then I have begun to see that God will give us the power to do good and to bring about much righteousness. I don't know what the specific solution is but I do know that the solution is found in the Gospel of Jesus Christ. So, look to the scriptures for examples on how to deal with people who seem to have hardened their hearts or are just too lost to see.

Home teaching is the ever present struggle within much of the church and we have to find a way to do it the Lord's way.

Regards,

Finrock

[mirkwood]

Some good comments ahead of mine. The only thing I have to add is related to the below comment.

My hubby is a HP and has already taken it up with the HPGL, it is the HPGL that is adding one more family to our hometeaching route, understanding that we already feel stretched.

My EQ Pres. tried this with me. It was not possible for me to have another family with my work schedule and fulfill my HT assignments and other family/church commitments. I told them this was the case and I would no longer be able to meet with all my families each month. They removed the extra family after one month.

[mrmarklin]

Every time we have given furniture away, the recipient has come for it. Otherwise it goes to Goodwill or the dump.............................just saying.

I don't loan my vehicles, nor would I expect anyone else to loan me one.

[mnn727]

My hubby asked if I could be his hometeaching companion, was given permission

My opinion is that this is a mistake except in extreme circumstances (and the Brethern have said this also.

You would be doing your husband and all people involved a favor to get this back to the way its supposed to be -- 2 Priesthood holders - they then share both the burden and the blessings.

[mnn727]

I understand that we are to love and serve this man. But where I'm confused is are we supposed to keep providing food to this man for possibly the rest of his life (that's the way it's looking to me right now) while he continues to do what he wants (drink) while he ignores the requests of the bishop to come to attend church and help clean? This man not only demands food every month, but also demands that it be brought to him, he will not even attempt to find other sources in which he might be able to go and pick the food up himself. One time when we brought his food order to him, he got mad because he got powdered milk instead of a gallon of whole milk - no thank you - nothing. The church should not enable this kind of behavior is all I'm saying.

That's the Bishops call, not yours. However it is not your duty to bring the food to him.

"Oops sorry, we're busy that day, you'll have to make other arrangements" is the only excuse you need to give him.

As I said above your husband need another HP as his companion, as it stands everything is on your families shoulders, that's not the program and its obviously causing problems/concerns. Your husband also needs to be reporting to the HP Group leader and letting them share the burdens. Its a group for a reason.

Edited July 27, 2012 by mnn727

[skoshmom]

Every time we have given furniture away, the recipient has come for it. Otherwise it goes to Goodwill or the dump.............................just saying.

I don't loan my vehicles, nor would I expect anyone else to loan me one.

I completely agree with you, but also think that different situations require different responses. When I say this family lives barebones, I truly mean it.

They didn't have the money to rent a truck so the goodness of our ward members willing to help out by lending their truck was a true blessing. The things I take for granted in life are luxuries for them and it truly humbles me. I have gotten over the husband's behavior and now understand and sympathize even more with the trials the wife goes through and greatly admire her for her faith and diligence in the gospel. There are no words to express how I felt when their children came to us and thanked us for the furniture - they were so excited that they now have a TV that works "and it's so big".