Starting to hate Church

[Anon16]

Recently I have been struggling with the social aspect of church. Overall I am fine with the doctrine, that isn't the problem.

I am leaving for college(church) in 3 weeks. I am 16, 17 in 2 months. I have found myself being dragged down by attending my meetings-especially Wednesday activities. For whatever reason, I find that I am always very upset in some way after them.

As far as church, nobody in my Sunday school class that comes on a regular basis will sit with me. The class is mostly boys, but the 2 girls I am not good friends with. I am good friends with the girl who doesn't come often.

Currently I am the only laurel for a few weeks going to the Wednesday activities. It is literally me and the beehives. I have no issue with that, they are all very nice, but there is a big age difference and they are all friends.

I have, if you've seen my other posts had to work with my bishop on a couple of things for the past year. I feel like he is really starting to dislike me and doesn't want to help me-like he has given up almost. He said that hefelt like his job had changed to helping me to hold on until I left, that nothing of real progress could be made. The last meeting I had with him, I thought it was a waste. I'm struggling but I am making some progress. In some ways he makes it worse.

So, any suggestions on how I can change so I enjoy church? It isn't all me. It has sort of been like this all my life, but not as bad as it is right now. I could see part of it being my transitioning into being a college student but it makes it very hard to want to go to church. I think I am really starting to hate it.

[Dravin]

As far as church, nobody in my Sunday school class that comes on a regular basis will sit with me.

Just to make sure I understand, when you sit down next to them they move?

[Bini]

I have, if you've seen my other posts had to work with my bishop on a couple of things for the past year. I feel like he is really starting to dislike me and doesn't want to help me-like he has given up almost. He said that he felt like his job had changed to helping me to hold on until I left, that nothing of real progress could be made. The last meeting I had with him, I thought it was a waste. I'm struggling but I am making some progress. In some ways he makes it worse.

Your bishop actually said that? I think I would cry.

On a different note, you are almost out of there. I wouldn't over stress on this too much. It'll only be a few more weeks, right? Sit down with the other kids, even if you don't have anything in common with them, and be friendly and in tune yourself with whatever the lesson is. Like you said, there's a big age difference, so I wouldn't worry too much about bonding with these girls at this stage. As for as the bishop thing goes, I'm not sure what the procedure is when you don't see eye-to-eye with him, or you feel he is not assisting you properly. I know someone else will be able to address that for you.

[applepansy]

what are you reasons for going to church? Do you go for the social aspects or are you going because you have a testimony and want to renew your baptism covenants?

Midweek youth activities aren't a requirement. Have you talked with your YW leaders about the concerns you're having? Have you talked with your parents about your feelings?

[mnn727]

He said that hefelt like his job had changed to helping me to hold on until I left, that nothing of real progress could be made. The last meeting I had with him, I thought it was a waste. I'm struggling but I am making some progress. In some ways he makes it worse.

Anon, I don't know why you are meeting with him however:

If you're leaving in 3 weeks, what kind of progress do you think you can make?

His job HAS changed. Its not like you'll be there long term for him to see whatever it is to the end.

As far as the other girls - teenage time is full of cliques, personality conflicts, social awkwardness, etc.

Tough it out for 3 weeks and then remember when you get to your new ward -- to have friends you need to be a friend.

As far as Wednesday night activities, perhaps you're just growing out of them, that happens at some point for just about everyone.

Edited July 26, 2012 by mnn727

[Bini]

.. to have friends you need to be a friend.

That's nice advice but that doesn't always hold true. Girls, especially teenaged girls, are just plain cruel and brutal with each other - especially to someone that may consider themselves or be perceived as awkward. Target! Or you're completely invisible.

[annewandering]

Arent you young to be going off to college? If so are you concerned that you will be younger than everyone for a bit?

I dont know where you live but where I grew up, church is a major part of the life, social and otherwise. My family were converts then inactive due to hurt feelings so we are always 'out'. I always sat alone. It was a big relief to leave to go to college. Things did change there. People did accept me there. If you are pretty smart, which you seem to be, you will find there are lots of others like you. Lol at our institute we had a good sized group of 'super brains' who were a big part of the social life.

[annewandering]

Arent you young to be going off to college? If so are you concerned that you will be younger than everyone for a bit?

I dont know where you live but where I grew up, church is a major part of the life, social and otherwise. My family were converts then inactive due to hurt feelings so we are always 'out'. I always sat alone. It was a big relief to leave to go to college. Things did change there. People did accept me there. If you are pretty smart, which you seem to be, you will find there are lots of others like you. Lol at our institute we had a good sized group of 'super brains' who were a big part of the social life.

[Anon16]

Yes, I do agree-3 weeks isn't enough to make that much of a difference. It is going very fast for me, and I don't always realize how much time I have left. But I feel like he is maybe beating himself up of not making more of a difference and has given up.

I don't know but you do bring up a good point.

As far as the girls, it is a situation in which my friend is gone for the summer and the other girls my age are also gone. I like the beehives, but there is a experience level difference in some areas.

Generally I get to class first, so that isn't really an option.

I know about the age thing and I am nervous about it but I'm going to work at it. I'm just hoping I'm not a social outcast.

[annewandering]

Anon, you are going to met more people like you. Being a girl will make it easier I am sure. Dating wise anyway. :)

[Dravin]

Generally I get to class first, so that isn't really an option.

What isn't an option? It looks like you're responding to multiple posts but you've made no indication of where your comments should be directed.

[annewandering]

Dravin, I think it was the question of whether girls moved when she sat down beside them. My suspicious are they wouldnt move but would turn away or talk over her. been there and seen it.

Anon, one day they will grow up and most likely learn to be nicer people. At least in person. lol.

Watch them and decide what they do you like and what you hope you never will do and at least learn something from them. Kinda like a science project.

[Dravin]

Dravin, I think it was the question of whether girls moved when she sat down beside them.

That's what I suspect too, but it is thrown out there without being directed at me. The simple solution is to not arrive early and see what happens. It is possible that all the girls and boys in the class detest her, it's also possible that they think of her as a loaner and thus let her be alone. Not everyone likes to sit next to people, and if people have you pegged as one of those people they'll generally not insist on sitting next to you.

[annewandering]

Dang there is that 'pegged' thing again. I can not say how much that just totally annoys me. lol pegged not you, Dravin.

Personal experience yes but arg. 'oh your family is sooooo smart.' Over and over and I just get so tired of it. I am me. Not some genetic clone. My three younger brothers pretended our family did not exist an guess what? Everyone liked them. Didnt hold them to any 'pegged' state.

Get pegged the bad girl and see where that gets you for your entire life. (I was always 'pegged' the good girl by the way)

I am thinking Anon may be having some of those issues with being pegged in some slot she doesnt feel like she fits.

[Eleven]

Anon, Though i kinda see where your bishop is coming from, i still dont agree with his statements... Obviously you've had some hurdles to jump over and Im glad to hear that youre willing to jump them. But If i could defend the Bishop that cant defend himself here, sometimes conversation between men and women get so misinterpreted. Obviously because men most of the time are very short and brief, without a lot of emotion to read.

I REALLY doubt he meant that you were a waste of time, or that trying to help you wouldnt be worth it to him. Some disciplinary actions take more time than three weeks, and if youre moving soon, I bet what he failed to convey was that he thought it would be better for you to have the whole repentence process monitored by a single bishop than try and split things between two. I will be honest and say me and my wife had some hurdles of ourselves that we needed to get over while we were engaged, and i had just moved into a new ward that was just getting a change of bishopric the next sunday. He listened intently and simply challenged me to relay everything that i had told him to the next bishopric who could better help me, compared to the little time this bishop had.

It made sense to me at the time and we did. Long story short were happily married in the temple now :)

Sometime we are our worst enemies and when our heart have a heavy feeling, we tend to look for the bad. I would take your meeting in a different light and Im sure you could come to a better conclusion of what your bishop meant.

hopefully that helps

[Eleven]

PS a fresh start will be amazing for you. Moving for college means = singles wards = kids your age.

I love new beginnings. Reminds me of the Song Boston by Augustana.

[NikiB]

i felt the same when i was your age. the girls my age that had strong testimonies of the gospel werent my friend and the girls that didnt have strong testimonies were. i was judged for being good and it was hard. i had alot of resentment because of this and i left. i left because of the people and i regret it. im older now and know that my faith is between me and god and not for anyone else to judge. you hold ur head up high when you go back, if these girls dont talk to you show them love and dont let anyone get you down. if you feel bad about your bishop talk to him about it. bishops can still learn a thing or 2.... good luck when u go to college, dont forget ever to read the book of mormon or pray. that is what will help you the most. i promise :)

[MomInBabylon]

I had a frustrating summer like that when I was 16. All of the kids my age left on the Church History Trip, which I could not afford to go on, and I was left ALL alone (with the beehives). So, I decided to prove to myself that I didn't need to spend a ton of money to go on a trip to gain a testimony, so I decided to read the Book of Mormon in 3 weeks. I would sit down and read for about an hour every day. I came to know that summer that I didn't need all the kids in the world to be my friend, because I had a best friend in my Savior and Redeemer.

College will be awesome for you. Your first stop needs to be the Institute building. Sign up for a class or two, and then hang out there often. I'm sure you will meet some awesome people that are just like you.

Good luck!

[Anddenex]

Anon16,

I am not sure if someone already shared this with you, however I would recommend that you learn now, and at such a young age, to distinguish the church from its members.

One of my favorite scriptures in the Book of Mormon is when we are told pride entered into the church, better said, it wasn't pride in the church, but it was pride entered into the hearts of members of the church.

What you hate, is not the church. What you hate, is the weakness of men/women within the church, as we all do.

The sooner you learn, we go to church not because of people, but because of our love for Christ, the easier it is to deal with these types of situations, even though it still hurts.

[ADoyle90815]

One nice thing about non-LDS churches is that people can chose to go to another congregation if they have issues with their local group. I'm saying that since the only ways a LDS person can switch is if they actually move to another area, or if they're single, get married.

[Misshalfway]

Anon16,

I am not sure if someone already shared this with you, however I would recommend that you learn now, and at such a young age, to distinguish the church from its members.

One of my favorite scriptures in the Book of Mormon is when we are told pride entered into the church, better said, it wasn't pride in the church, but it was pride entered into the hearts of members of the church.

What you hate, is not the church. What you hate, is the weakness of men/women within the church, as we all do.

The sooner you learn, we go to church not because of people, but because of our love for Christ, the easier it is to deal with these types of situations, even though it still hurts.

I completely agree with this. But I do empathize because its hard not to want church to be a safe place or respite from the yuck of the world. When YM's is the same as or worse than the Jr. high, it's really hard to want to be there. We humans are social beings. The need to belong and the need to leave when we don't, is as primal as finding food when we are hungry.

Edited August 3, 2012 by Misshalfway

[Anddenex]

One nice thing about non-LDS churches is that people can chose to go to another congregation if they have issues with their local group. I'm saying that since the only ways a LDS person can switch is if they actually move to another area, or if they're single, get married.

Partially correct. A member actually has the option to discuss with their Bishop and Stake President to attend another ward in a different area if the need arises. I use the term need, carefully, because it isn't just a whim of thought.

We have a women who is technically in another ward, when she moved, however she received permission from both Bishops and Stake Presidents that it was Ok for her to attend our ward.

[Anddenex]

I completely agree with this. But I do empathize because its hard not to want church to be a safe place or respite from the yuck of the world. When YM's is the same as or worse than the Jr. high, it's really hard to want to be there. We animals are social beings. The need to belong and the need to leave when we don't, is as primal as finding food when we are hungry.

Thanks Misshalfway. I am glad you emphasize this, because it is very important. I was actually the awkward (still a little awkward) teenager in my ward, and was not the best of friends with the popular kids in my ward growing up. It wasn't until my junior year in high school things changed. It was easier to go and have fun at church.

I am glad for a Father and Mother, despite my belly aching, who had compassion but still insisted I go. That need to belong is definitely a reality.