filing for divorce...

[krcp]

I figured I should give you all an update! It's been just about 2 months since my husband walked out on us...(left the church, porn, drinking, and month long affair). After 3 weeks of trying I finally opened my eyes and realized that he didn't care to save our marriage. Counseling was pretty much so that he could point out all of my faults and tell me what I needed to change. Anything that I said about him just rolled off his shoulder and he didn't care one bit.

Every time he opened his mouth I was closer and closer to being done. Then finally when I said I was tired of feeling like I was the one that had to win him back, he said "you do! I'm the one that left". I'm so sick of the way he always cut me down and constantly makes me feel bad.

For 3 weeks I told him I was done...and he acted like it wasn't. When I told him I started filing he freaked out...and acted so shocked. I don't understand him.

He told me from the day he left that he would pay for everything so that I could stay home with our 4 kids. That I wouldn't have to get a job. But as soon as I said I was done, he said I would have to get a job...because he will only pay the minimum that the state will require of him. :/ So I decided to get a lawyer! I have to protect myself and the kids! I meet with her on Monday and am just ready to get this over with.

He was over here the other day, and while he was cutting our boys hair, I looked at his phone. I don't know why...and I saw a bunch of texts between him and the girl he cheated on me with. Reading things like "I want to fight to save what we have (with her)" and "you're the one I want to hold in my arms at night" felt like I was being punched in the gut. I couldn't breathe. I asked him to be honest with me about her, and he said he didn't have to be anything with me. That is was none of my business. I'm glad that he has to fight to save what he has with the skanky married woman he's sleeping with, that is crazy and suicidal...that is more important than his 12 year marriage to me and our 4 kids. It's ok, I know I will be ok...I miss him like crazy, who he was...but I hate who he is now! I don't even know him!

He acts like we don't need a child visitation schedule...that we can just do "whatever". Hence the lawyer. He is living with his parents until he starts getting paid at his new job and can get his own place. I have had 1 night away from the kids in 2 months. It's not fair...I get to be the single mom while he is running around with his girlfriend. Sorry...lots of rambling!

[Maureen]

krcp, I really don't know what to say but, I do wish the best for you and your kids.

M.

[Just_A_Guy]

krcp -

I'm sorry you're going through this. A few suggestions for you (I practice family law in Utah; but I think these principles are generally applicable pretty much anywhere):

1) Save every text and email you get from him. If he tells you he's not going to pay support or he'll only pay the bare minimum, that may have bearing later on questions like whether he's voluntarily un/under employed, etc. Lots of phones automatically delete old texts as they get older. Find a way to save and archive your texts in a way that will be retrievable later.

2) Resist the temptation to get into his phone/email accounts and putter around to see what's on there, unless your lawyer green-lights such an endeavor. In some states, accessing that kind of info without permission--even about a spouse--constitutes wire fraud. In most--not all, but most--states, a husband's record of philandering probably isn't going to help the wife in court as much as the wife thinks it should.

3) You absolutely, positively, 100% need a parent-time schedule; and it doesn't matter how "nice" he's being about it now. In fact, it's a good idea to ask your attorney about getting a temporary order setting up parent time and temporary spousal support even before the divorce is final.

4) Start keeping a calendar of where the kids are on which night. At some point, he's going to talk to a lawyer and he'll figure out that the more he has the kids, the lower his child support will be (in many states, anyways). At that point he's suddenly going to start claiming he's had the kids 50/50 since you separated; and you'll need sufficient documentation to show where the kids have really been on each and every night.

5) Open a separate banking account. Today. (Talk to a lawyer before cleaning out any joint accounts; but at least have a new account somewhere that he can't touch.)

6) Ask your attorney if you're permitted to change the locks on your residence. If you are, you might want to think about doing so as quickly as possible.

7) Any threat of violence needs to be reported to your attorney as quickly as possible.

Best of luck--

Edited July 27, 2012 by Just_A_Guy

[applepansy]

The only thing I would add to JAG's advice (he's good and an attorney) is: Any threat of violence needs to be not only reported to your attorney but to the police. My sister went through this and the judge only believed the police reports.

Ask for a separation order. After my sister had a separation order she could change the locks. Her husband was violent to begin with so the police were there when he picked up his personal belongings and again when the divorce was final and the judge had decided who got what. Her ex wasted all the money spent on mediation (thousands of dollars). He went to mediation and then lied to the judge about his participation. Every time they would come close to an agreement he would back down and get nasty. And medication isn't admissible in divorce proceedings.

Some of the things you are saying about your spouse remind me of things my ex-BIL said and did. When it came down to it he got very vindicitve and still is. Just a few months ago he tried to run her off the road.

Be careful. Be proactive in protecting you and your children. Your husband may have never been violent before but he's already treating you as a non-person and that is the first step to violence.

[shdwlkr]

All I will say is that you need a well defined schedule for parent time right down to pickup times and return times and keep track of every time he misses those times and a reason for it. Some maybe valid some may not.

Also make sure holidays are laid out, if the kids are old enough then there should be a a few weeks usually in the summer when you don't have the kids and he does and a few weeks when you have the kids and he doesn't. The reason for this is it allows you to have some totally free time, time for a real vacation with the kids

My ex and I go around sometimes about visitation issues and so far after some heated discussions we find a solution sometimes it takes our lawyers input but we have worked out many issues. Yes there are still more but they will get worked out when the time comes.

[NeuroTypical]

Counseling was pretty much so that he could point out all of my faults and tell me what I needed to change. Anything that I said about him just rolled off his shoulder and he didn't care one bit.

That's a shame. Counseling works best when both sides are willing to accept and validate and own legitimate criticism from the other.

So anyway, the horrible difficult honest truth here: there's not much you can do about his faults, there's only what you can do about your faults. For example - if he were here telling his side of the story, how would he characterize your reaction to his complaints about you in counseling? Which of his complaints about your faults did you accept and validate and own?

(Please don't get me wrong - I'm not validating his infidelity. I'm not blaming it on you. I'm only pointing out that there's only one person you can control and change here, and it isn't him.)

[Guest]

So sorry you are going through such a difficult time, krcp. It always gets really bad before it gets better. So, hopefully, the light at the end of the tunnel is just around the corner for you.

I just have one teeny thing to add to the excellent posts above regarding the children. As a kid, it is harder to understand the tug-of-war happening with the parents. My advice is - no matter what happens regarding the schedules and such - don't feel that it is unfair that the father never takes his turn with the children. This makes the kids feel you are trying to get rid of them because they're a burden. Instead, welcome the opportunity to have the children with you at all times, then the children will not feel so abandoned by their absent father. I know this is difficult - the great thing about marriage is you can share burdens - but just keep your spirits up, cling to Christ, and it will all work out in the end.