How selective should you be when choosing someone to marry

[alucarD1975]

Is it ok to ask about medical history? Their own and families? Is it inappropriate to ask about their financial situation?

What about a frank and open discussion about sex? Number of kids? Birth control?

What should be off limits when you decide to marry?

[MarginOfError]

Nothing should be off limits.

At minimum, you should talk about the following things:

• Past medical history
• Family medical history
• Financial status (including the amount of current debt)
• Past serious relationships (do they have financial ties to former spouses or children)
• Past sexual history (names and details aren't necessary, but you should know if your potential spouse will put you at risk for STDs
• Expectations and limits for your sexual relationship
• Family planning (birth control, number of children, etc)
• Current philosophy on raising children
• Concerns or reservations about the Church's structure and/or doctrine
• Any addictions to drugs, alcohol, gambling, or pornography

If your potential spouse isn't willing to talk about all of those topics*, then you might want to delay marrying them until they are.

* some people may add more.

[Bini]

I completely agree with, MOE.

I would add: Don't only ask these questions but when red flags pop-up -- don't ignore them for heck sakes -- listen to your gut instinct and the Spirit to guide you.

[Bini]

Alucar, I am recalling some of your comments from a previous thread. In your case, if you are very much focused on outward appearance, then it would also be important that the woman you become involved with understands this, so she knows what she's getting herself into as well.

[Guest]

Okay, this is not an "interview". All those things should come up in the course of friendship. For example, I have best friends. I know their medical history because we've been friends for a while, not because I sat them down and asked them "What's your medical history?"...

So, if you don't know any of those things in the course of your friendship, you probably don't know him enough to marry him.

How selective should you be? VERY. Marriage is best when you know everything about the person you are going to marry and decide to accept everything about him, including what he's bound to do in the future, for the rest of your lives.

Edited August 2, 2012 by anatess

[applepansy]

I would add "have a pet peeve discussion"

[Wingnut]

When my husband and I were dating, my mom gave us two books to read together, once she realized that we were getting serious. I recommend them as a good way to begin these types of conversations:

1001 Questions to Ask Before You Get Married (0639785415848): Monica Leahy: Books

Intellectual Foreplay: A Book of Questions for Lovers and Lovers-to-Be (9780897932776): M.A. Eve Eschner Hogan, Eve Eschner Hogan: Books

[alucarD1975]

Alucar, I am recalling some of your comments from a previous thread. In your case, if you are very much focused on outward appearance, then it would also be important that the woman you become involved with understands this, so she knows what she's getting herself into as well.

Obviously I have been taken out of context again, while outward apperance is important and should be discussed I am not that shallow to make it a deal breaker.

That said baring and medical issues, disease etc etc I think physical apperance should be maintained

(keep in mind that when your wife carries you child all bets are off for about 18mo)

[alucarD1975]

It's funny that I am seeing these responses, in another thread I mentioned some of the thing that I looked for before getting married and the sense I got was that I was very shallow for wanting to know about these things and for excluding (dumping) those that did not measure up.

[MarginOfError]

Okay, this is not an "interview". All those things should come up in the course of friendship. For example, I have best friends. I know their medical history because we've been friends for a while, not because I sat them down and asked them "What's your medical history?"...

So, if you don't know any of those things in the course of your friendship, you probably don't know him enough to marry him.

How selective should you be? VERY. Marriage is best when you know everything about the person you are going to marry and decide to accept everything about him, including what he's bound to do in the future, for the rest of your lives.

For many topics, this may be true. But different people are more reserved about some information than others.

Some examples, I have never known the salaries or the debt levels of any of my close friends. It just isn't my business. I've also known some people that are very quiet about things like depression. They don't want anyone to know that they have been treated for depression before because they don't want to be stigmatized. Anorexia and bulimia are other health issues that people may not admit to, but those are very important to know about when a relationship begins to turn toward marriage.

Certainly, there are many people, especially in the Church, that won't casually discuss their sexual preferences, desires, fantasies, or limitations with people before they are considering marriage. So there are topics that don't get discussed before a more serious discussion is initiated. The issue is figuring out how to maturely and tactfully begin those discussions.

[applepansy]

It's funny that I am seeing these responses, in another thread I mentioned some of the thing that I looked for before getting married and the sense I got was that I was very shallow for wanting to know about these things and for excluding (dumping) those that did not measure up.

It was the context and the way you worded it that created the impression.

[Misshalfway]

Is it ok to ask about medical history? Their own and families? Is it inappropriate to ask about their financial situation?

What about a frank and open discussion about sex? Number of kids? Birth control?

What should be off limits when you decide to marry?

Of course it's appropriate to ask all those questions. What makes you wonder that it's not ok?

I was engaged once to a young man who kept insisting that he buy me a large diamond engagement ring. I didn't know how he could afford such a purchase having just returned from the mish and having little money to take me on dates. I confronted this gently one day. He became enraged because I had "questioned" him. It was a huge red flag and I later ended the relationship.

I'm not sure that there is any topic that is off limits. But I do think that one should go into these conversations in wisdom and discernment. If one is looking for perfection, they are going to be disappointed. If one is overlooking or minimizing red flags because they don't want to be judged or rejected, or because they don't want to hurt someone's feelings, then something is out of balance and we should be red flagging ourselves for not acting in self love/protection. It's ok to screen people to see if they are a good addition to our lives. There is no perfect relationships. I know of no scenario within relationships that are friction or problem free. But we can and should make wise decisions about who we allow into our intimate lives.

[MarginOfError]

Obviously I have been taken out of context again, while outward apperance is important and should be discussed I am not that shallow to make it a deal breaker.

That said baring and medical issues, disease etc etc I think physical apperance should be maintained

(keep in mind that when your wife carries you child all bets are off for about 18mo)

18 months? For some women it takes 18 years. Until you can appreciate the vast variability of responses to pregnancy from woman to woman, I'd strongly advise against putting time limits on "returning to form."

It's funny that I am seeing these responses, in another thread I mentioned some of the thing that I looked for before getting married and the sense I got was that I was very shallow for wanting to know about these things and for excluding (dumping) those that did not measure up.

Having the discussion and what you do with the knowledge are entirely different issues. It's appropriate to ask about these things, but if you dump a girl because she is on anti-depressants, or because she thinks sex should only be in the missionary position, well then it's possible you're shallow (not to mention short sighted).

[Dravin]

When my husband and I were dating, my mom gave us two books to read together, once she realized that we were getting serious. I recommend them as a good way to begin these types of conversations:

1001 Questions to Ask Before You Get Married (0639785415848): Monica Leahy: Books

Heh, I remember looking through a book like that, the questions were poorly phrased. It was a LDS aimed one IIRC.

Edited August 2, 2012 by Dravin

[alucarD1975]

18 months? For some women it takes 18 years. Until you can appreciate the vast variability of responses to pregnancy from woman to woman, I'd strongly advise against putting time limits on "returning to form."

Having the discussion and what you do with the knowledge are entirely different issues. It's appropriate to ask about these things, but if you dump a girl because she is on anti-depressants, or because she thinks sex should only be in the missionary position, well then it's possible you're shallow (not to mention short sighted).

I would dump a chick who was on anti depressants..... I would also dump a chick who though sex should only be performed in the mission position.....

Yeah ok whatever I'm shallow......

My wife is currently carrying our second child, I have not put any sort of time line on her getting back to (form) nor would I. My wife takes pride in her physical appreance This may be a cultural thing (she is mexican) as she refuses to sit around he house in sweat pant, and does not understand why others (people in our ward) look at having kids as an excuse to not look their best. she like to feel that i find her attractive and more importantly she likes to look good for herself.....

however if it takes 18yr to lose a little baby weight......that's just being lazy

Edited August 2, 2012 by alucarD1975

[alucarD1975]

It was the context and the way you worded it that created the impression.

Differently than the current context?

[Misshalfway]

Obviously I have been taken out of context again, while outward apperance is important and should be discussed I am not that shallow to make it a deal breaker.

That said baring and medical issues, disease etc etc I think physical apperance should be maintained

(keep in mind that when your wife carries you child all bets are off for about 18mo)

I think it's ok to talk about the importance of physical appearance. There is no doubt in my mind that simple things like taking care of oneself helps support the relationship in various ways. And it's ok to say to ask that your partner try to look nice and stay fit. It's fair to ask for a lifestyle that maintains health of all kinds.

I think this becomes problematic when these preferences turn perfectionistic and lose important leavening agents like empathy and compassion.

[Wingnut]

I would dump a chick who was on anti depressants..... I would also dump a chick who though sex should only be performed in the mission position.....

That's okay. I would dump a guy who so disrespectfully referred to his girlfriend a "chick."

[Misshalfway]

I would dump a chick who was on anti depressants..... I would also dump a chick who though sex should only be performed in the mission position.....

Yeah ok whatever I'm shallow......

My wife is currently carrying our second child, I have not put any sort of time line on her getting back to (form) however if it takes 18yrs......that's just being lazy

Well, this is good. If you'd dump them, then you saved them from being in a very corrosive and unsupportive relationship. You can sleep well at night knowing you've done a public service.

[alucarD1975]

I don't ask for perfection, no one is perfect as we age our bodies let us down. Hair falls out, things begin to droop ( gravity takes over) if a woman has kids expectations need to change as this can totally transform the female body. It becomes harder to lose weight that's just how life works if my wife puts on 20lbs over the course of our marriage I don't have an issue with that. 50-100? Well if I want twice the woman I would have just married 2

I ask for effort and I put in the same. Baring medical issues as you age you should eat healthier, and be more active.

[NeuroTypical]

I was engaged once to a young man who kept insisting that he buy me a large diamond engagement ring. I didn't know how he could afford such a purchase having just returned from the mish and having little money to take me on dates. I confronted this gently one day. He became enraged because I had "questioned" him. It was a huge red flag and I later ended the relationship.

Every time someone avoids a long-term horrible experience full of regrets and pain, by bringing up an uncomfortable subject in the short term, an angel gets her wings. (I really believe this. *)

I would dump a chick who was on anti depressants.....

On behalf of all the chicks on antidepressants out there, allow me to convey their thanks and gratitude. They wanted me to tell you that most of them don't naturally assume it's because you're shallow (or ignorant or closed minded or acting on bad information or whatever.) It could also be simply because your own problems and hangups might prevent you from ever being what they need out of a relationship in a first place. Oh - and one or two of them would consider going on a date or two with you before telling you, because your reaction to their medication would be a great way to gain insight into how open or closed you are to facts and information. They can help fix shallow, but they can't fix bullheaded stubbornness.

LM

* (Well, I don't really believe it, but I still jump for joy whenever I hear someone dodging such a bullet.)

[alucarD1975]

Well, this is good. If you'd dump them, then you saved them from being in a very corrosive and unsupportive relationship. You can sleep well at night knowing you've done a public service.

I sleep like a baby.......

Would you marry a guy who was on anti depressants?

[alucarD1975]

Every time someone avoids a long-term horrible experience full of regrets and pain, by bringing up an uncomfortable subject in the short term, an angel gets her wings. (I really believe this. *)

On behalf of all the chicks on antidepressants out there, allow me to convey their thanks and gratitude. They wanted me to tell you that most of them don't naturally assume it's because you're shallow (or ignorant or closed minded or acting on bad information or whatever.) It could also be simply because your own problems and hangups might prevent you from ever being what they need out of a relationship in a first place. Oh - and one or two of them would consider going on a date or two with you before telling you, because your reaction to their medication would be a great way to gain insight into how open or closed you are to facts and information. They can help fix shallow, but they can't fix bullheaded stubbornness.

LM

* (Well, I don't really believe it, but I still jump for joy whenever I hear someone dodging such a bullet.)

Lol you contradict yourself in your own post.... It's ok to run for the hills if a red flag about money issues comes up (I suspect it was more to his reaction of being questioned) but a medical issue (anti depressants) should be acceptable?

You marry who you date and in the course of dating when it comes up that a woman is on anti depressants that's a deal breaker. I wouldn't freak out or make a face.....it's funny that you assume that I'm some sub human devoid of all tact and compassion because I chose to be selective in my mate

[Guest]

Would you marry a guy who was on anti depressants?

To be honest with you, I won't.

I'm with Tom Cruise on this one. But that's just me.

[Wingnut]

Would you marry a guy who was on anti depressants?

I would not. In my case though, it's because I personally have a history of depression (albeit mild), and I would be concerned about both of us falling into unhealthy patterns together (or at least, at the same time). I dated a guy once (not seriously, though we did really like each other), with whom I've remained good friends over the years. Sometime after we dated, he was diagnosed with manic-depression. Knowing that, and observing some of his life choices, I've often thought that it's a good thing that we never married, because we would be so dysfunctional together.