How selective should you be when choosing someone to marry


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That's how I feel.

Yet the horrible part of me feels terrible for spouses who are stuck supporting a needy husband or wife.

My husband died three days before our first anniversary. Was his illness hard? You betcha. But he was the one truly suffering, not me. And I know that going through that was part of Heavenly Father's plan for both of us.

I spoke with a woman in the temple once, whose husband had Alzheimer's before his death. She told me how angry she had been at times, and feeling sorry for herself. Then she received revelation that her husband's illness was there for her to learn and grow in the ways that she needed to in order to return home to Heavenly Father.

We're sent here to be tested and see what choices we make, is how I look at it.

It was a privilege to take care of my husband. Was it easy? Heck, no. But oh, how I was blessed.

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It is known that anti-depressants may pose a risk in pregnancy. Some medications pose a lower risk but anti-depressant prescription is a tricky thing - changes to medications can be very risky. Here's a quick google Mayo Clinic write-up:

Antidepressants: Safe during pregnancy? - MayoClinic.com

About fertility - most anti-depressants side-effect is a lower sex drive. Fertility impact of the medication is only significant in men, as far as I know. But depression and chronic migraine, in and of themselves, may be indications or causes of fertility issues. For example, endometriosis (a condition that causes infertility in women) a lot of times lead to chronic migraines.

Okay, alucar... you owe me like, 100 bucks. ;)

I was addressing this to Alucar and interested in how HE came to his conclusions. I am sure he is capable of speaking for himself.

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Oh my gosh. I have trouble understanding some people but this whole self centered approach to marriage just nauseates me.

My gosh what do YOU have to offer a mate? Love, kindness, understanding, humor, self sufficiency, moral ethics, or just self centered pain in the rear attitudes?

I hear ya. But, unfortunately, society today paints everything...including marriage...as being all about me, me, me. And some hapless people actually believe that. Of course, these are the marriages that usually fail.

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I was addressing this to Alucar and interested in how HE came to his conclusions. I am sure he is capable of speaking for himself.

I was hoping to earn 100 bucks.

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But yeah, I'm sure he is capable of speaking for himself, but I do know a lot about anti-depressants having studied it extensively as an option for treatment and having decided to go meds-free, so I'm expressing my own views as well. You don't have to read them.

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My husband died three days before our first anniversary. Was his illness hard? You betcha. But he was the one truly suffering, not me. And I know that going through that was part of Heavenly Father's plan for both of us.

I spoke with a woman in the temple once, whose husband had Alzheimer's before his death. She told me how angry she had been at times, and feeling sorry for herself. Then she received revelation that her husband's illness was there for her to learn and grow in the ways that she needed to in order to return home to Heavenly Father.

We're sent here to be tested and see what choices we make, is how I look at it.

It was a privilege to take care of my husband. Was it easy? Heck, no. But oh, how I was blessed.

This is a beautiful story. Thanks for sharing it.

In a completely unrelated event, I recall hearing this story of a young man who was badly injured on his mission and became little more than a vegetable. Some girl, who did not know him before his mission, decided to marry him, work to support him, never have a family, etc.

I know I was supposed to be touched by the sacrifice of this young woman, but I've never been able to be. All I can think is "Who would do that to herself?" I suppose I have trouble comprehending falling in love with someone who was incapable of making any sign or response to me.

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When my niece's husband was a baby, his parents got a flat tire in the canyon above Logan on a narrow road. His dad was lying under the car changing the tire when another car came by too fast and ran over him. He has been partially paralyzed since, with speech issues as well. His mom took the cart by the horse and did what needed doing. She takes care of him, works to support the family, and never utters a word of complaint. He is still the same person he was, but his temporary shell has been damaged. They have a beautiful family and seem to be very happy together. What a shame that they would have missed out on that, had she decided to walk because it "wasn't what she signed up for".

My cousin was born with a heart defect and later had a transplant. One day when he was young and invincible, he forgot to take one of his meds to prevent blood clots and had a stroke. He had to work to learn to walk and talk again. It's been many, many years and he's still not quite the same. He eventually found an amazing woman who understood that he is still the same person he was, but his temporary shell has been damaged. She has been blessed with an amazing man for a husband, even if he isn't physically perfect.

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I know a man in my parent's ward whom I have never known not to be paralyzed and in a wheelchair. He was in a motorcycle accident a few years' into his marriage. He and his wife have a great relationship, they both work now that their six children are out of the house. I imagine it's still hard for her in many ways, but they seem so happy.

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Clearly you dO not know anyone who suffers from chronic migranes..... Not a normal headache.

It is terrible and debilitating, Most people with this issue. An only function through heavy medication. the medication that they need to take can have serious side effects that can effect pregency, the ability to have kids etc etc.

So yeah migranes..... Deal breaker..

Alucar, you should have quit while you were ahead. Migraines...serious migraines is a deal breaker? I don't know one woman over 40 who hasn't has real migraines sometime during her life. Hormones can cause real migraines.

Not all medications for migraines cause side effects or birth defects.

As was asked before...how did your wife make the cut?

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Asking your spouse whether they want to opt out because of something that is out of your control is outside my realm of reasoning. I, don't, get, that. I guess I'm lucky because I know that I'd never have to bring up such a question to my husband, and he knows that I'm not going anywhere either.

Backroads, that's a nutty story. I don't understand how that's healthy, actually..

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When my niece's husband was a baby, his parents got a flat tire in the canyon above Logan on a narrow road. His dad was lying under the car changing the tire when another car came by too fast and ran over him. He has been partially paralyzed since, with speech issues as well. His mom took the cart by the horse and did what needed doing. She takes care of him, works to support the family, and never utters a word of complaint. He is still the same person he was, but his temporary shell has been damaged. They have a beautiful family and seem to be very happy together. What a shame that they would have missed out on that, had she decided to walk because it "wasn't what she signed up for".

My cousin was born with a heart defect and later had a transplant. One day when he was young and invincible, he forgot to take one of his meds to prevent blood clots and had a stroke. He had to work to learn to walk and talk again. It's been many, many years and he's still not quite the same. He eventually found an amazing woman who understood that he is still the same person he was, but his temporary shell has been damaged. She has been blessed with an amazing man for a husband, even if he isn't physically perfect.

You made a point that I think far too many people overlook.

We are spiritual beings temporarily in a mortal body. Those who over-emphasize the physical (especially when it comes to "looks") seem to not understand that. As though our mortal body represents who we really are or is more important than the person inside the temporary shell.

This mortal life is such a short time in our eternal existence, why get hung up on someone's weight or scars or what-have-you? When my husband's leg was amupuated, he didn't become somehow 'less'. Indeed, the strength he showed in handling that devastating event was humbling and only increased my love for him.

I was brought to the gospel through MS. After I was diagnosed, someone (a total stranger at the time) with MS felt prompted by the Spririt to step forward and share their testimony with me. They also shared Ether 12:27 with me and I think it pertains not only to the person with the physical 'weakness' but to those around them.

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...I don't know one woman over 40 who hasn't has real migraines sometime during her life. Hormones can cause real migraines....

I've never had a migraine or experienced any form of depression (but did experience panic attacks in my thirties) and I'm 52. And I'm sure I'm not the only one. (knock on wood)

M.

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I may take some slack for this comment, however this was an important one for me, seeing my first desire was to be a Seminary Teacher, and I knew I wasn't going to be rich.

"What type of ring do you want?"

I worked with a young lady whose fiance had saved up about $6K. He used all of his money to buy her an expensive, nice, godly ring. One day a woman came in with a bigger ring. As I was talking with her she said, "Andrew, do you think my ring is big enough, or should I have him take it back and buy me another one?" I couldn't believe the arrogance, it infuriated me inside.

If I knew this young man better, I would have had a quite conversation with him and told him to run, and run as fast as he could.

I heard other women say, "I won't accept a ring unless it is $3K or more." These women I quickly ignored and never cared to date. They made it clear that a righteous priesthood holder wasn't what they desired most. They desired material wealth, more than a honorable priesthood holder.

I am glad I met someone who was glad to have a ring, it only cost $300, because that is what I had in savings at the time.

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Or course they can be prescribed for:

Panic attacks

Anxiety

OCD

Bulimia, and anorexia

Migraines

The list goes on and on....

By the way these are all deal breakers

I was prescribed a low dose for Irritable Bowel Syndrome. Would that be a deal breaker? Is your wife allowed to have any medical problems? You know people can become depressed at any point during their life, right? You might get depressed.

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Anddenex, what you describe is a major character flaw, in my eyes, at least. I would have warned the young man to run too! But what you witnessed is really common.

When my husband (then fiance) and I went ring shopping, he didn't give me a limit, I just got to pick out whatever I wanted. But I knew it would be selfish of me to demand the most expensive ring in the display case. Well after browsing around in various jewelery stores, I spotted the most gorgeous ring I had ever laid eyes upon. I knew it was going to cost a fortune but I decided to pull my husband's leg and pointed to THAT ONE. I remember him joking saying something like, "You don't mess around, do you?". I wandered off for a moment looking at other rings while the jeweler pulled it out. And then my husband calls me over and whispers, "Hey it's on clearance. You want it?" LOL :lol: I guess that ring had sat in their store for over a year and they just needed to get rid of it.

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I may take some slack for this comment, however this was an important one for me, seeing my first desire was to be a Seminary Teacher, and I knew I wasn't going to be rich.

"What type of ring do you want?"

I worked with a young lady whose fiance had saved up about $6K. He used all of his money to buy her an expensive, nice, godly ring. One day a woman came in with a bigger ring. As I was talking with her she said, "Andrew, do you think my ring is big enough, or should I have him take it back and buy me another one?" I couldn't believe the arrogance, it infuriated me inside.

If I knew this young man better, I would have had a quite conversation with him and told him to run, and run as fast as he could.

I heard other women say, "I won't accept a ring unless it is $3K or more." These women I quickly ignored and never cared to date. They made it clear that a righteous priesthood holder wasn't what they desired most. They desired material wealth, more than a honorable priesthood holder.

I am glad I met someone who was glad to have a ring, it only cost $300, because that is what I had in savings at the time.

I remember my husband saying something about the fact that I was proud of him for buying me a clearance ring was a good sign of my nature.

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My husband and I got married without wedding rings. He got me a cheap engagement ring (I mentioned before he is a cash-only guy and that was all the cash he can afford) that he gave me when he asked me to marry him. Then on our court-house wedding that cost a grand total of $100 plus $40 for the pizza party afterwards, he gave me his CTR ring that he's had since he was 12 and I gave him the engagement ring and we exchanged it when the Justice of the Peace said it's time to exchange rings...

We discussed getting wedding rings - I was gonna buy us one (I made good money then) but he said he wants me to spend my money paying off all my mall cards... and he already spent all his money on the engagement ring. So, anyway, the day after we got married, he chopped up all my credit cards and spent the first year of our marriage paying them all off. So, after all the cards got paid off (I had $45,000 worth of debt!), we bought 2 identical rings for $800 (all the cash we had at the time) that we exchanged privately - 19 months after our wedding. We've lived our lives on that principle ever since...

Edited by anatess
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Rings. Well my husband took me out looking at rings before we married. There were lots of pretty ones. I just could not get over the idea rings used to be symbols of ownership. We never got any. Later, when I used to make jewelry, I made him a couple of rings he liked so he wore one of them on his left finger but I have never worn one and never will. He can do as he wishes. :)

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Anddenex, what you describe is a major character flaw, in my eyes, at least. I would have warned the young man to run too! But what you witnessed is really common.

When my husband (then fiance) and I went ring shopping, he didn't give me a limit, I just got to pick out whatever I wanted. But I knew it would be selfish of me to demand the most expensive ring in the display case. Well after browsing around in various jewelery stores, I spotted the most gorgeous ring I had ever laid eyes upon. I knew it was going to cost a fortune but I decided to pull my husband's leg and pointed to THAT ONE. I remember him joking saying something like, "You don't mess around, do you?". I wandered off for a moment looking at other rings while the jeweler pulled it out. And then my husband calls me over and whispers, "Hey it's on clearance. You want it?" LOL :lol: I guess that ring had sat in their store for over a year and they just needed to get rid of it.

I should point out something with regards to this. If I was a rich man, believe me, I wouldn't mind purchasing a really nice ring for my wife.

It just really bothered me when I heard young women say, this was another women I worked with, "If a man doesn't buy you a ring over $2k, then he doesn't really care about you."

I think it is wonderful, your fiance was willing to do this, however, in my opinion, you acted with class. You were willing to accept whatever ring he was able to afford, and was willing to afford.

This one is for you Bini

* This is solely Anddenex's thoughts ;)

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I was prescribed a low dose for Irritable Bowel Syndrome. Would that be a deal breaker? Is your wife allowed to have any medical problems? You know people can become depressed at any point during their life, right? You might get depressed.

Are we married? Yes of course she can have medical issues it's part of life, but I wouldn't marry into medical issues.

Here is a crude analogy when you go to buy a car do you look for the beater in the corner with a history of mechanical issues? Or do you buy new?

Edited by alucarD1975
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