How selective should you be when choosing someone to marry


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Lurker coming out, be warned.

As a single, mid-20's guy currently struggling with a rather recent Multiple Sclerosis diagnosis that has so far cost me two jobs, I occasionally despair over that kind of attitude. I know Alucar is a guy, but I know that some women also share that sentiment concerning health issues, especially in the church environment where women are taught that Husbands are to be the Providers.

(I know all don't feel that way, necessarily, so don't interpret that as a blanket statement.)

How am I supposed to find someone if something I never wanted, never chose, and will never lose will prevent me from gaining that great blessing? I've experienced several relationships break down shortly after disclosing my illness (no cane yet, thankfully), and each time I wonder if I will ever actually find someone willing to go on this adventure with me. I know that my time being a productive member of society is dwindling at an accelerated rate. I know more permanent disability is in my future. I know that there is little I can do but take my medicine and pray that it actually works.

I'm sure women in similar situations feel much the same, like they're the broken toy left on the shelf during the Christmas rush.

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Do you park the new car in the garage and leave it there so that the paint won't fade, the belts won't wear out, and the mileage won't go above your liking? Or just drive it til you've worn it out and trade it in for a new one?

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Lurker coming out, be warned.

As a single, mid-20's guy currently struggling with a rather recent Multiple Sclerosis diagnosis that has so far cost me two jobs, I occasionally despair over that kind of attitude. I know Alucar is a guy, but I know that some women also share that sentiment concerning health issues, especially in the church environment where women are taught that Husbands are to be the Providers.

(I know all don't feel that way, necessarily, so don't interpret that as a blanket statement.)

How am I supposed to find someone if something I never wanted, never chose, and will never lose will prevent me from gaining that great blessing? I've experienced several relationships break down shortly after disclosing my illness (no cane yet, thankfully), and each time I wonder if I will ever actually find someone willing to go on this adventure with me. I know that my time being a productive member of society is dwindling at an accelerated rate. I know more permanent disability is in my future. I know that there is little I can do but take my medicine and pray that it actually works.

I'm sure women in similar situations feel much the same, like they're the broken toy left on the shelf during the Christmas rush.

I have a niece that married few years ago. She is a nice looking girl and fell in love with a man with ms. He is in a wheel chair a lot of the time. It doesnt seem to have slowed her down much in accepting him. A nephew married a girl with ms. Its beginning to sound like a lot of people with ms lol. Anyway from my experience I would say your situation is not bleak.

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Lurker coming out, be warned.

As a single, mid-20's guy currently struggling with a rather recent Multiple Sclerosis diagnosis that has so far cost me two jobs, I occasionally despair over that kind of attitude. I know Alucar is a guy, but I know that some women also share that sentiment concerning health issues, especially in the church environment where women are taught that Husbands are to be the Providers.

(I know all don't feel that way, necessarily, so don't interpret that as a blanket statement.)

How am I supposed to find someone if something I never wanted, never chose, and will never lose will prevent me from gaining that great blessing? I've experienced several relationships break down shortly after disclosing my illness (no cane yet, thankfully), and each time I wonder if I will ever actually find someone willing to go on this adventure with me. I know that my time being a productive member of society is dwindling at an accelerated rate. I know more permanent disability is in my future. I know that there is little I can do but take my medicine and pray that it actually works.

I'm sure women in similar situations feel much the same, like they're the broken toy left on the shelf during the Christmas rush.

Do not give up on the dream of marriage because you have MS. And - please - do not "know" that you have more disability in your future.

Do you have relapsing/remitting or primary progressive? Either way, it is NOT a given that you will get worse. And attitude is a large part of it.

There are those of us with MS (I was diagnosed in 2010) who have mild symptoms....those who have no relapses...that's one of the things with this disease, everyone is different. The disease can progress slowly or even not at all.

I even know someone with primary progressive who has IMPROVED.

MS.....even a wheelchair....doesn't mean your life is over or you can't lead a full life. AND be married. It happens. I've seen it.

I encourage you to talk with others with MS. I can even put you in touch with someone, if you life.

Having MS doesn't mean you can't live a full life!

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I worked for a doctor who had MS. She had learned over her adulthood what caused flares, so she tried to do the things that would keep her as healthy as possible. The worse of it was when she was pregnant, but she made the sacrifice to have her 2 boys. Her husband was healthy, and another doctor, and they had a very nice life together.

There will be a woman who is whole within herself, and who is wise and compassionate and eager to find a man who is good in his heart and in his spirit, and when you find her, you'll be ready for each other. Don't lose hope.

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Are we married? Yes of course she can have medical issues it's part of life, but I wouldn't marry into medical issues.

Here is a crude analogy when you go to buy a car do you look for the beater in the corner with a history of mechanical issues? Or do you buy new?

I bought new once. I'll never do it again. New, like perfection, is overrated.

I also, from a mental health standpoint, wanted to say that avoidance is the least evolved form of coping with life.

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Heh. I like it. Like what bacteria does in the presence of penicillin.

Okay LM. Here's your card. You are now a card-holding member of Vort's Geek Club... pending approval from Vort, of course.

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Are we married? Yes of course she can have medical issues it's part of life, but I wouldn't marry into medical issues.

Here is a crude analogy when you go to buy a car do you look for the beater in the corner with a history of mechanical issues? Or do you buy new?

Wow. A person is not a car. You could marry a person with mild health problems or you could marry someone with no health problems who later gets a devastating disease. My old neighbor's wife got ALS. Homepage - ALS Association She couldn't walk anymore or talk. Her husband took care of her though rather than claiming he got a lemon and trade her in. :rolleyes:

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Are we married? Yes of course she can have medical issues it's part of life, but I wouldn't marry into medical issues.

Here is a crude analogy when you go to buy a car do you look for the beater in the corner with a history of mechanical issues? Or do you buy new?

Actually, since I will never be able to afford a new car, I would look for a car where all mechanical issues have been repaired by prior owners.

Not sure what that means in the marriage analogy...

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Vort, seriously. It's a 10-minute-long video about CARS. :yuck: I couldn't get past 2 minutes. Can you summarize?

I applaud you. I didn't even make it to 1 minute. :lol:

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I bought new once. I'll never do it again. New, like perfection, is overrated.

I also, from a mental health standpoint, wanted to say that avoidance is the least evolved form of coping with life.

I tend to agree with alucar and his car analogy. If you have ever purchased a new car you know they are not perfect. problems crop up and you need to do maintenance. If you know that your tires are getting worn you fix them, you don't wait for a blow out. As far as comparing it to relationships, why would you purchase a car that leaks oil, has bad brakes, or has been in a wreck? All of those items are dis qualifiers for purchase.

I would argue that avoidance is a very evolved form of coping with life. I avoid going into bars. Would I be better off if I just went into bars and learned how to cope with what goes on there? I avoid purchasing cars that have been in a wreck, or have poor maintenance history. I'd say that is a pretty good method to ensure I don't have problems with the car in the future. Is it a guarantee that I will not have problems? No, of course not, but at least I did my best to get the best I could with the information in hand. I don't see how relationships are much different.

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I tend to agree with alucar and his car analogy. If you have ever purchased a new car you know they are not perfect. problems crop up and you need to do maintenance. If you know that your tires are getting worn you fix them, you don't wait for a blow out. As far as comparing it to relationships, why would you purchase a car that leaks oil, has bad brakes, or has been in a wreck? All of those items are dis qualifiers for purchase.

I would argue that avoidance is a very evolved form of coping with life. I avoid going into bars. Would I be better off if I just went into bars and learned how to cope with what goes on there? I avoid purchasing cars that have been in a wreck, or have poor maintenance history. I'd say that is a pretty good method to ensure I don't have problems with the car in the future. Is it a guarantee that I will not have problems? No, of course not, but at least I did my best to get the best I could with the information in hand. I don't see how relationships are much different.

Looks like I need to clarify a bit.

There was a flaw in the analogy. Only two options: Junkers or new. IMO, there are problems with both. When I shop for a car, I try to buy a GOOD one that meets my needs and worth the price. I'm not saying don't be smart about the spouse you pick. I'm just saying that looking for the flawless is impossible. Like the man who kept marrying the younger barbie wives who fulfilled all his fantasies and discovering that he'd maxed his dopamine threshold and couldn't have erections anymore.

On the avoidance front......I hear and agree with your point. Avoidance isn't all bad. If you are at war, avoiding the bullet is a good thing. But look at my carefully chosen wording.

"From a mental health standpoint, avoidance is the least evolved way to cope with life."

Whether it's the woman who needs heroin, to avoid reality or the husband who is avoiding the conflict with his wife, or the church lady who avoids telling the truth so everyone will think she's a saint, or the bishop who avoids the less active in the hall....it's all the least effective way of dealing with what is really going on in our lives.

Point #1: It is impossible to screen for all hardship and imperfection.

Point #2: Those who try will not only be disappointed, but will usually create more suffering by trying to avoid suffering.

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