How selective should you be when choosing someone to marry


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Yeh! What about us inbetweeners that don't buy old beaters or new off the lot? We go pre-owned on vehicles that are one-owner-leased and only a couple years old with LOW miles. WIN.

Putting the cars back in analogy, my husband was "pre-owned... with low miles".

I thought he was a pretty good deal.

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Yeh! What about us inbetweeners that don't buy old beaters or new off the lot? We go pre-owned on vehicles that are one-owner-leased and only a couple years old with LOW miles. WIN.

I just wish I knew if you were talking about motor vehicles or spouses...

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Younger Finrock was an idiot and had all sorts of ridiculous criteria for a potential spouse.

Older Finrock is still an idiot but now I'm beginning to realize that, in the end, the only thing that really, really matters is how dedicated my wife and I are to following Heavenly Father's plan. That dedication to God and to his commandments encompasses everything that is of significance in this life and in the life to come.

Regards,

Finrock

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To go back to the car analogy..... Let's tell the truth about buying cars. We don't buy them out of pure vulcan logic. At the end of all the processing, we buy them because of how they make us feel. It's amazing how people's identities are wrapped up in the car they drive.

My point is that we do this when we pick our spouses too! So we call big talk all day about how brilliantly "selective" we are, but the truth is.....we marry based on our emotions. :)

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I won't pretend that I don't love the car that I drive, how I feel driving it, and how others generally respond to it. That said, it really was a fantastic investment for us. It's spacious, it's comfortable, it handles all kinds of weather effortlessly, and it's considered a quality brand that can hold up to lots and lots and lots of miles. It didn't come in white though (being pre-owned), but we try not to let colour blindside us from it's overall qualities (and performance). :D

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To go back to the car analogy..... Let's tell the truth about buying cars. We don't buy them out of pure vulcan logic. At the end of all the processing, we buy them because of how they make us feel. It's amazing how people's identities are wrapped up in the car they drive.

My point is that we do this when we pick our spouses too! So we call big talk all day about how brilliantly "selective" we are, but the truth is.....we marry based on our emotions. :)

Well...unless you are from India. ^_^

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I won't pretend that I don't love the car that I drive, how I feel driving it, and how others generally respond to it. That said, it really was a fantastic investment for us. It's spacious, it's comfortable, it handles all kinds of weather effortlessly, and it's considered a quality brand that can hold up to lots and lots and lots of miles. It didn't come in white though (being pre-owned), but we try not to let colour blindside us from it's overall qualities (and performance). :D

Well, your car didn't take anti-depressants...

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My "fiance then" never told me she in debt until she brought it up as a little quip " when I pay my debts off". Cannot recall the exact wording, but I asked her how much in debt are you. She sheepishly said 20k in credit card debt.

Now the comments weeks earlier she made over the phone "I dont have any money left to pay for groshries" even though she is living at home paying 400 in rent. So now, this made sence then.

She still has issues with it eight years after marrige. made many expensive purchaces, including a new car from dealership when I was not working.

Best advice, dont believe her if she says everything is fine. Some how get a credit check on her and see how much Debt to income she has.

Nothing should be off limits.

At minimum, you should talk about the following things:

  • Past medical history
  • Family medical history
  • Financial status (including the amount of current debt)
  • Past serious relationships (do they have financial ties to former spouses or children)
  • Past sexual history (names and details aren't necessary, but you should know if your potential spouse will put you at risk for STDs
  • Expectations and limits for your sexual relationship
  • Family planning (birth control, number of children, etc)
  • Current philosophy on raising children
  • Concerns or reservations about the Church's structure and/or doctrine
  • Any addictions to drugs, alcohol, gambling, or pornography

If your potential spouse isn't willing to talk about all of those topics*, then you might want to delay marrying them until they are.

* some people may add more.

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Looks never change, and are 100% honest, what the person does with there time, can be hidden from a future spouce. Get the source and find out what she/he is like at work. Talk to there neighboors. Account for her "off time" or after work time what she does.

Do not rush into a marrige. Time is the enemy of satan and over time, you can get to know more about the person you think you love.

Remember, dating is like a test drive. If you do not like the product, refuse it and try another one :)

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I would not say "dump them if they do not measure up" you asked a truthfull question, and got a truthfull answer. What if they lied, and you found out after marrige?

I like the term forgivness. It works very if the person has a true conviction to change there ways. We had a member who was lds, then suddenly left long time ago. He was a vietnam vetran with PTSD and His wife was divorsing him. He was a biker with a really bad attitude and was not workin living on welfare. Missionaries were persistant and still asked to see him even though first time he thought they were wasting his time. Soon after, two famillies from our ward, moved next door to him. He became friends with them and Over time, he changed and eventually returned to the church. He said this was the best thing he has ever done and was sooo thankfull he did as he told us members his story.

Now, if you are looking for a knight in shining armor, they do not exist. Everyone has faults. You can be like some woman I know, waiting for the right guy to come into there life and get married. What ends up happening, is they age, get old, now no guy wants to marry them and never have children.

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Of course you need to ask all of these things. You need to make sure you're on the same page about major things like number of kids, sexual history and illnesses.

You don't need to go overboard though, there is no perfect spouse out there. But in general it's just best to stay away from people who have severe mental issues, physical disabilities or have been through any sexual abuse. I've been sexually abused and the mental issues that come with it are detrimental to a marriage, even after counseling. Just something to think about!

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A wanna-be-my-husband running a credit check on me? Ngeeek... next.

Those words are coming from someone whose credit rating may not be within good measure. Is it really worth your time trying to have a relationship with someone who is significantly in debt, has a poor credit score, and doesn't even have the decency to fill you in on all of this information?

You don't have to know of every instance when their checking account did not match up to the penny, but go to freecreditscore.com together and give each other the main sense of what is going on in your financial lives. Honesty is the best policy.

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Those words are coming from someone whose credit rating may not be within good measure. Is it really worth your time trying to have a relationship with someone who is significantly in debt, has a poor credit score, and doesn't even have the decency to fill you in on all of this information?

You don't have to know of every instance when their checking account did not match up to the penny, but go to freecreditscore.com together and give each other the main sense of what is going on in your financial lives. Honesty is the best policy.

Well, I was significantly in debt, had a poor credit score but of course, I'm decent enough not to hide it from a husband-to-be. If he doesn't trust my word enough that he had to run credit checks on me, then no, he doesn't know me at all and so marriage is not possible.

TRUST. Quite a giant requirement for marriage. If you do not know somebody enough that you can't trust her, so much so that you feel you have to run a credit check on her - run. Regardless of whether her credit score is hideous or sparkling.

This goes with suspicions of cheating - if you feel like you can't trust her word so much so that you have to check her phone messages to make sure she's not cheating on you... run. You don't know her enough to marry her.

And lastly, if you don't trust that your marriage is going to last forever so much so that you feel you have to have a prenuptial agreement. Don't bother getting married.

Edited by anatess
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Of course you need to ask all of these things. You need to make sure you're on the same page about major things like number of kids, sexual history and illnesses.

You don't need to go overboard though, there is no perfect spouse out there. But in general it's just best to stay away from people who have severe mental issues, physical disabilities or have been through any sexual abuse. I've been sexually abused and the mental issues that come with it are detrimental to a marriage, even after counseling. Just something to think about!

Stay away from people with physical disabilities? Sooo...someone who is blind or deaf or a paraplegic or an amputee....is somehow automatically not worthy for marriage? Some of the best people I know have physical disabilities....and amazing marriages.

As for your comments about also staying away from someone who has been sexually abused...wow. Just because counseling didn't work for you, doesn't make that true for everyone else. Victims of sexual abuse CAN recover and can go on to lead a good life...complete with a successful marriage.

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Stay away from people with physical disabilities? Sooo...someone who is blind or deaf or a paraplegic or an amputee....is somehow automatically not worthy for marriage? Some of the best people I know have physical disabilities....and amazing marriages.

As for your comments about also staying away from someone who has been sexually abused...wow. Just because counseling didn't work for you, doesn't make that true for everyone else. Victims of sexual abuse CAN recover and can go on to lead a good life...complete with a successful marriage.

Isn't the statistic like 1 in 4 adults have been sexually abused? That's a lot of unworthy marriage partners...

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Isn't the statistic like 1 in 4 adults have been sexually abused? That's a lot of unworthy marriage partners...

So if you put 8 women in a room together I would have to automatically exclude 2..... Sorry....

That does not mean that they are not marriage material. They are just not

Marriage material for me. Hey some guys like a project.

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But in general it's just best to stay away from people who have severe mental issues, physical disabilities or have been through any sexual abuse. I've been sexually abused and the mental issues that come with it are detrimental to a marriage, even after counseling.

Pianist, you're generalizing with a pretty broad brush there. Nobody who has ever been sexually abused will ever be good marriage material? I'm sorry that you seem to think that way about yourself, but you don't get to place such a horrible judgement on all other folks who are struggling with similar burdens.

It is true that sexual abuse can be a terrible burden that will impact relationships. But no pianist, you don't get to take away hope from people who carry a little baggage in that area.

I'm going on 14 years with a chick on antidepressants who has been through sexual abuse and counseling. Our marriage has not been easy. Normal folk tell me no marriage is easy. But I can't begin to explain the wonderfulness of the shared humor, the deepness of the love, how unforgettably great the high points are. Normal folk tell me that doesn't always happen in a normal marriage.

This link should have been posted in this thread by now:

Myths about Mental Illness By Elder Alexander B. Morrison Of the Seventy

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