How selective should you be when choosing someone to marry

[MarginOfError]

I would dump a chick who was on anti depressants.....

I have ruled out women because of emotional issues as well. But I didn't rule them out because of anti-depressants; I ruled them out because I didn't think I was capable of supporting and helping to manage those issues.

I also went on to marry a woman with a past history of depression, and then proceeded to encourage her to get medication when it became apparent that she was losing control. The difference was that her issues were ones that I felt I was capable of supporting and helping to manage (a couple years of maturity helped, I'm sure).

But yes, to summarily dump a woman because she is on anti-depressants is shallow.

I would also dump a chick who though sex should only be performed in the mission position.....

I'd discuss it a little, but this is one I wouldn't worry too much about unless her attitude sent up huge red flags. The reason: most people's attitudes about what is permissible in intimacy change after they become sexually active--the vast majority becoming more willing to expand their limits a little bit. So if she had had multiple partners and that was still her opinion, there's a red flag. If she's never had sex and that's her position--not so concerning.

Yeah ok whatever I'm shallow......

If you say so.

My wife is currently carrying our second child, I have not put any sort of time line on her getting back to (form) nor would I. My wife takes pride in her physical appreance This may be a cultural thing (she is mexican) as she refuses to sit around he house in sweat pant, and does not understand why others (people in our ward) look at having kids as an excuse to not look their best. she like to feel that i find her attractive and more importantly she likes to look good for herself.....

however if it takes 18yr to lose a little baby weight......that's just being lazy

It really isn't that easy for many women. Perhaps I'm seeing more of the extremes than most people (I do a lot of work with gynecology), but there are some women who never really recover from the hormonal shifts and weight loss becomes extremely difficult. I'd advise caution against categorically declaring people lazy when they struggle to lose or maintain weight.

[pam]

I sleep like a baby.......

Would you marry a guy who was on anti depressants?

You do know that some anti depressants are prescribed for things other than depression right?

[Misshalfway]

I sleep like a baby.......

Would you marry a guy who was on anti depressants?

Well....I don't typically make decisions about people based upon such arbitrary information.

Being on an antidepressant is a very poor indicator of how a person would manage in marriage.

[MarginOfError]

Lol you contradict yourself in your own post.... It's ok to run for the hills if a red flag about money issues comes up (I suspect it was more to his reaction of being questioned) but a medical issue (anti depressants) should be acceptable?

Well, you nailed it...it wasn't about the money, it was about the reaction to the question. Similarly, if I were to ask someone about whether they were on anti-depressants and they got mortally offended, I'd consider that a red flag (whether they are on the anti-depressants or not).

You marry who you date and in the course of dating when it comes up that a woman is on anti depressants that's a deal breaker. I wouldn't freak out or make a face.....it's funny that you assume that I'm some sub human devoid of all tact and compassion because I chose to be selective in my mate

I don't think you're sub human. I would guess that either you suffer from similar issues, are incapable of handling such issues, or are poorly educated about depression and depression related issues.

I guess I would summarize my point by saying that when you choose a spouse, you are choosing a person. And people are more than the sum of their characteristics. Eliminating a prospect solely due to a failure to match up to a list is, indeed, shallow and immature. But it's certainly within a person's right to do so.

[applepansy]

Differently than the current context?

You have softened your stance a bit in this thread. In the other thread you came across as callus and cold with appearance your main requirement. I don't want to go pull quotes.

[Misshalfway]

I don't ask for perfection, no one is perfect as we age our bodies let us down. Hair falls out, things begin to droop ( gravity takes over) if a woman has kids expectations need to change as this can totally transform the female body. It becomes harder to lose weight that's just how life works if my wife puts on 20lbs over the course of our marriage I don't have an issue with that. 50-100? Well if I want twice the woman I would have just married 2

I ask for effort and I put in the same. Baring medical issues as you age you should eat healthier, and be more active.

This post sounds more balanced to me.

[Guest]

For many topics, this may be true. But different people are more reserved about some information than others.

Some examples, I have never known the salaries or the debt levels of any of my close friends. It just isn't my business. I've also known some people that are very quiet about things like depression. They don't want anyone to know that they have been treated for depression before because they don't want to be stigmatized. Anorexia and bulimia are other health issues that people may not admit to, but those are very important to know about when a relationship begins to turn toward marriage.

Certainly, there are many people, especially in the Church, that won't casually discuss their sexual preferences, desires, fantasies, or limitations with people before they are considering marriage. So there are topics that don't get discussed before a more serious discussion is initiated. The issue is figuring out how to maturely and tactfully begin those discussions.

I'm speaking from experience. My husband was in my inner circle of best friends for 2 years before we got married. He asked me out on our first date, then asked me to marry him, and we got married - all of that within a span of a few weeks.

How do I know his financial situation? The guy was a runway model - feast or famine. Some days the feast don't last long enough to finance the famine, so he works as a bouncer so he can pay the rent. He does not have a single credit card. He is a cash-only person on principle. And that included his car. I knew all this while we were friends. He also knew that I had 9 mall cards all maxed out because sometimes while we're trolling the mall (we did that a lot), I would buy something and my card would be declined...

I have anger management issues. Not many people know this. My family and closest friends know this. My husband knew this because I had to stay in a hotel for 2 weeks after I lit on my brother (my brother was staying with me at the time). Yeah, things like depression and anger management issues, you can't really hide that if you're as close as we were. We had a friend that was bipolar...

We didn't talk about sexual stuff. There's nothing about it that's a deal breaker. We struggled with it the first 10 years...

What we did talk about within the few minutes that he asked me to marry him to when I said Yes, was my Catholic conviction that divorce is not an option. I already knew he agreed with it - it's come up on conversations before. I just wanted to make a formal pact on it before I said Yes.

But the thing is - I knew him. I've seen him in his best and worst. He's seen me in mine. Being friends, we were ourselves with each other. We've done so many things together - some in really dire situations, like helping out some shrapnel-laden Bosnian refugees... well before he expressed interest in me as a girlfriend.

Edited August 2, 2012 by anatess

[MarginOfError]

I'm speaking from experience. My husband was in my inner circle of best friends for 2 years before we got married. He asked me out on our first date, then asked me to marry him, and we got married - all of that within a span of a few weeks.

How do I know his financial situation? The guy was a runway model - feast or famine. Some days the feast don't last long enough to finance the famine, so he works as a bouncer so he can pay the rent. He does not have a single credit card. He is a cash-only person on principle. And that included his car. I knew all this while we were friends. He also knew that I had 9 mall cards all maxed out because sometimes while we're trolling the mall (we did that a lot), I would buy something and my card would be declined...

I have anger management issues. Not many people know this. My family and closest friends know this. My husband knew this because I had to stay in a hotel for 2 weeks after I lit on my brother (my brother was staying with me at the time). Yeah, things like depression and anger management issues, you can't really hide that if you're as close as we were. We had a friend that was bipolar...

We didn't talk about sexual stuff. There's nothing about it that's a deal breaker. We struggled with it the first 10 years...

What we did talk about within the few minutes that he asked me to marry him to when I said Yes, was my Catholic conviction that divorce is not an option. I already knew he agreed with it - it's come up on conversations before. I just wanted to make a formal pact on it before I said Yes.

But the thing is - I knew him. I've seen him in his best and worst. He's seen me in mine. Being friends, we were ourselves with each other. We've done so many things together - some in really dire situations, like helping out some shrapnel-laden Bosnian refugees... well before he expressed interest in me as a girlfriend.

I think that's great, and I honestly wish that knowing your spouse for a year or two before getting married was standard. In this Church, however, it isn't standard. (If it were, we'd be dealing with a lot less divorce than we do)

[estradling75]

Interesting... in another thread alucard1975 gave a list of potential red flags... I find it interesting that I tripped everyone of them when my wife and I got married.

But I didn't want to derailed that thread so I'm posting it here

If his best friend is a girl that's a red flag,

Check...My best friend in high school was a girl. I cut ties when I went on a mission and was married within 9 months of returning home. I barely had time to have my potential wife become my new best friend in that time frame.

if your the only girl he has ever kissed that's a red flag,

Check... my wife was the only girl (besides like mom and aunts which I am sure you did not mean)

if he still lives at home with mommy thats another one,

Check.. I returned home, started school, started part time job... Was living with my parents trying to get my feet under me when I meet my future wife. This has been corrected now. :)

if he cant show you the respect of asking you father for his permission to marry you thats a red flag,

Check... Never asked her dad... Still haven't... He loves me now though.

and if he acts like Peter priesthood 24/7 that's a red flag.

Check?? Maybe?? Depends on how you define 'Peter Priesthood'. I served a mission, to the best of my ability. I came home and worked on getting an career and and education that could be used to support a family. I served in callings, gave talks, and fulfilled assignments as given. I did what I thought was expected/needful for me to do. If that is what you meant then yes... If what you meant was 'Self Righteous' and Judgmental... I would like to think I avoided that... but I am sure I had my moments.

I have now been married for over 15 years, we had our struggles and we expect to have more struggles but it is working.

I think the bottom line is that 'Red Flags' are going to be very personal and customized... While we might disagree with some of the Flags a person might choose it is their right to do so

[Guest]

I think that's great, and I honestly wish that knowing your spouse for a year or two before getting married was standard. In this Church, however, it isn't standard. (If it were, we'd be dealing with a lot less divorce than we do)

My deep conviction - from my days as a Catholic and being Filipino where divorce is illegal - is that Divorce Is Not An Option. In any way shape or form. The way I decided who to marry was molded by this conviction. The way I deal with challenges in my marriage is molded by this conviction.

Do I know for a fact that my husband was not a wife beater? Nope. I've never seen him with a wife. So, what if he would have ended up as a wife beater a few months/years after we got married? Well, of course, I'm going to have to protect myself physically and legally. This would mean separation. But, that's it for me. Forever. There's no - I'm going to heal and then date and get married again. Nope. I decided to marry my husband, come what may, he's IT. No one else.

... Yes, I went to Chik-Fil-A yesterday. Dan Cathy holds the same conviction in my understanding.

Edited August 2, 2012 by anatess

[Misshalfway]

Interesting... in another thread alucard1975 gave a list of potential red flags... I find it interesting that I tripped everyone of them when my wife and I got married.

But I didn't want to derailed that thread so I'm posting it here

Check...My best friend in high school was a girl. I cut ties when I went on a mission and was married within 9 months of returning home. I barely had time to have my potential wife become my new best friend in that time frame.

Check... my wife was the only girl (besides like mom and aunts which I am sure you did not mean)

Check.. I returned home, started school, started part time job... Was living with my parents trying to get my feet under me when I meet my future wife. This has been corrected now. :)

Check... Never asked her dad... Still haven't... He loves me now though.

Check?? Maybe?? Depends on how you define 'Peter Priesthood'. I served a mission, to the best of my ability. I came home and worked on getting an career and and education that could be used to support a family. I served in callings, gave talks, and fulfilled assignments as given. I did what I thought was expected/needful for me to do. If that is what you meant then yes... If what you meant was 'Self Righteous' and Judgmental... I would like to think I avoided that... but I am sure I had my moments.

I have now been married for over 15 years, we had our struggles and we expect to have more struggles but it is working.

I think the bottom line is that 'Red Flags' are going to be very personal and customized... While we might disagree with some of the Flags a person might choose it is their right to do so

I really enjoyed this.:)

It made me remember how I broke up with this guy because of his eye brows. The truth was, I just wasn't that into him, but all I could picture was our children running around school with his eye brow mess across their foreheads.

[NeuroTypical]

Lol you contradict yourself in your own post.... It's ok to run for the hills if a red flag about money issues comes up (I suspect it was more to his reaction of being questioned) but a medical issue (anti depressants) should be acceptable?

You misunderstand me. I know my post sounded snarky, but no really - the 'chicks on antidepressants' and you should stay out of each other's dating circles until one or both of you change. I really believe that. And since quite a lot of such chicks are treating medical conditions that aren't going away any time soon, that means you'd have to be the one changing. You dont' seem to see that happening, so yeah - every time one of them dodges one of you, I'll do my happy dance.

I've been around quite a number of chicks on antidepressants (including my wife), and I honestly am representing the range of their reactions towards a guy like you. Most of them learn pretty quickly about your mindset. Most of them are content to have people like you be somewhere else. My wife is one of the "one or two" of them. Here's a story:

My wife worked for a lady who owned a dog grooming business. She had been there 6 months, and the lady was very open about how useful, dependable, important my wife was, etc. The best groomers know it's more than about the dogs, it's about connecting with the dog owner, knowing their likes and dislikes, helping them feel good about themselves and their dogs. Anyway, my wife was great at what she did, and her boss knew it. Life was good. Wife and boss were good friends and had lots of fun talks about all sorts of things. Similar politics, similar views on life, the universe, and everything.

Until the subject of mental illness came up. Boss was someone like alucar. Suddenly my wife was sitting there trying to keep a straight face while her boss/friend was saying things like "I could never hire a crazy person - I'd be afraid they were gonna go postal on me, or just stop showing up out of the blue or whatever." "They'd scare the customers - one of them could never be as good with them as you are." "People just take those pills because they can't handle reality." It went on and on.

So my wife talked about how there are a lot of different things that can go wrong with a brain, biochemical imbalances, the impact of trauma, how different kinds of drug abuse can damage the brain in different ways, just exposing her boss to some facts to keep the conversation going. It was a pretty good conversation.

Then boss says "This is fascinating - how come you know so much about all these crazy people?" My wife just gave her good direct eye contact and smiled the most friendly smile she could muster. The Boss' eyes widened a little. "Oh - you must have a family member or something. Is your husband..."

"Nope." said my wife.

Boss' eyes got even bigger - and showed a little fear. "You don't mean..."

"Yep."

The boss looked like she wanted to run, cry, hug my wife, and faint at the same time. She was totally unable to make any sort of response for a while. My wife told her it was ok, she's been hearing this sort of thing for years and years, and she really hadn't planned on 'going postal' on her boss today.

Things were still pretty ok afterwords. The boss had an eye opening moment and some new information - she did ok re-examining her opinions.

Anyway, yeah alucar - on behalf of the chicks on antidepressants, most of them have enough of people like you in their lives without allowing them into their hearts only to be hurt. So I mean what I say - stay away from these girls and do everyone a favor. They need more than you have to offer at this point.

.....it's funny that you assume that I'm some sub human devoid of all tact and compassion because I chose to be selective in my mate

Are you talking about me, or the general response? I don't think any such thing about you. Honestly, really, truly - I assume you're some normal guy in his teens or early 20's full of opinions about things. I remember some of the idiotic things I thought back in those years - I can hardly fault you.. Edited August 2, 2012 by Loudmouth_Mormon

[MarginOfError]

if he cant show you the respect of asking you father for his permission to marry you thats a red flag

Wow. He said that?! I'm pretty sure if any man ever asks me for permission to marry my daughter I'm going to tell him to get lost.

The only reason* I can think a man would need to do that is if my daughter was younger than 18 and needed me to sign the marriage license (in which case, if she isn't the one asking me, she's clearly not ready to be making a decision about marriage). Otherwise, my daughter isn't my property to give away. If he thinks he needs my permission to marry her, I don't want him involved with her.

*Barring special circumstances

[Dravin]

I really enjoyed this.:)

It made me remember how I broke up with this guy because of his eye brows. The truth was, I just wasn't that into him, but all I could picture was our children running around school with his eye brow mess across their foreheads.

You dated Bert?

[NeuroTypical]

Oh man. This is too funny.

marries

9 months later, they've got...

Come on folks - I have an errand to run - you can do this!

[alucarD1975]

You do know that some anti depressants are prescribed for things other than depression right?

Or course they can be prescribed for:

Panic attacks

Anxiety

OCD

Bulimia, and anorexia

Migraines

The list goes on and on....

By the way these are all deal breakers

[Wingnut]

Migraines are a deal-breaker? Seriously?

[Misshalfway]

Or course they can be prescribed for:

Panic attacks

Anxiety

OCD

Bulimia, and anorexia

Migraines

The list goes on and on....

By the way these are all deal breakers

Sometimes we need anti-depressants before the wedding. And sometimes we need them after.

Migraines. Wow. And the list goes on and on? How exactly did your wife make the cut?

[Guest]

Interesting... in another thread alucard1975 gave a list of potential red flags... I find it interesting that I tripped everyone of them when my wife and I got married.

But I didn't want to derailed that thread so I'm posting it here

Check...My best friend in high school was a girl. I cut ties when I went on a mission and was married within 9 months of returning home. I barely had time to have my potential wife become my new best friend in that time frame.

Check... my wife was the only girl (besides like mom and aunts which I am sure you did not mean)

Check.. I returned home, started school, started part time job... Was living with my parents trying to get my feet under me when I meet my future wife. This has been corrected now. :)

Check... Never asked her dad... Still haven't... He loves me now though.

Check?? Maybe?? Depends on how you define 'Peter Priesthood'. I served a mission, to the best of my ability. I came home and worked on getting an career and and education that could be used to support a family. I served in callings, gave talks, and fulfilled assignments as given. I did what I thought was expected/needful for me to do. If that is what you meant then yes... If what you meant was 'Self Righteous' and Judgmental... I would like to think I avoided that... but I am sure I had my moments.

I have now been married for over 15 years, we had our struggles and we expect to have more struggles but it is working.

I think the bottom line is that 'Red Flags' are going to be very personal and customized... While we might disagree with some of the Flags a person might choose it is their right to do so

I understand all this.

But, I agree with alucar's Red Flag items too. But then I might have a different understanding of what a Red Flag means. For me, a Red Flag is something that would send out a warning sign that I would then need to investigate deeper to see the why's and wherefore's - if it's something I can accept or if it's something I can't.

For example, if my husband-to-be's best friend is a girl, I'm going to have to investigate the why's and wherefore's of that... what's my husband-to-be's idea of the role his best friend plays? Can I accept that relationship staying on after marriage?

If I feel my husband-to-be is Peter Priesthood, I'm going to have to investigate the why's and wherefore's of that.. is he going to pound on me if I fall off the beaten path? And if so, can I accept that pressure?

If he's kissed some girl before... can I deal with the possibility that the girl will come back in contact with him in the course of our marriage? Do I have the strength to deal with that?

... etc. etc.

If any one of the answers is No... then that pretty much tells me I can't marry the dude.

Edited August 2, 2012 by anatess

[Guest]

Sometimes we need anti-depressants before the wedding. And sometimes we need them after.

Migraines. Wow. And the list goes on and on? How exactly did your wife make the cut?

She doesn't get migraines.

[alucarD1975]

Migraines are a deal-breaker? Seriously?

Clearly you dO not know anyone who suffers from chronic migranes..... Not a normal headache.

It is terrible and debilitating, Most people with this issue. An only function through heavy medication. the medication that they need to take can have serious side effects that can effect pregency, the ability to have kids etc etc.

So yeah migranes..... Deal breaker..

[Dravin]

I understand all this.

But, I agree with alucar's Red Flag items too. But then I might have a different understanding of what a Red Flag means. For me, a Red Flag is something that would send out a warning sign that I would then need to investigate deeper to see the why's and wherefore's - if it's something I can accept or if it's something I can't.

Alucar has tended towards a certain...

If anti-depressants = 1    Then relationship = 0

He may mean it like you do but considering his past explanations of marriage criteria I'm not so sure he does. I suppose he can clarify.

Edited August 2, 2012 by Dravin

[Backroads]

Random replies:

To the original post: yes, I think those are all good things to discuss.

Depending on how severe the need for anti-depressants would impact by decision to marry, but I also think a person should be given credit for USING anti-depressants. If they are taking the right dose of the right kind, they should be more or less fine. One of the reasons I broke up with a guy once was because he had severe depression and DID NOT use anti-depressents. If they need to medicate and it makes them better, hey, it's all good. (Personally, I think my husband could use a mild anti-depressant, but he has nothing severe and says he gets horrible side effects whenver he had tried them. He prefers more natural means of dealing with the blues). My young brother suffers from severe depression as well as Tourette's. His wife doesn't care as long as he takes his meds.

I can understand breaking up with someone due to medical problems, but it's also a grey area for me. What if you break up with someone due to family medical history, marry someone who has none, your spouse later develops a severe medical problem, and the person with the history lives a long healthy life?

I believe sex is a big part of the discussion, but I do want to bring up alucor's point about not marrying a girl because she says missionary position or nothing at all. I think there is a difference between not wanting to acknowledge one's partner's sexual preferences and simply PREFERRING a position. Suppose you had a sex discussion with a potential spouse who, for whatever reason, has been sexually active in the past, and she simply said "I honestly prefer the missionary position and here's why". Is that so wrong?

For beauty and health, I agree that everyone should make an effort to keep a standard.

Alucar, out of curiosity, what happens if your wife later on in life develops a severe medical problem? Is it a deal-breaker?

[Bini]

I'm not going to harp on others lists of deal-makers and deal-breakers. Personal preference is important, if you don't want something, then don't get involved with it. In the end, odds are it will save everyone a lot of heartache :]

I would never date someone who was the same height or shorter than I am. May be shallow but I just couldn't do it.

[alucarD1975]

Interesting... in another thread alucard1975 gave a list of potential red flags... I find it interesting that I tripped everyone of them when my wife and I got married.

But I didn't want to derailed that thread so I'm posting it here

Check...My best friend in high school was a girl. I cut ties when I went on a mission and was married within 9 months of returning home. I barely had time to have my potential wife become my new best friend in that time frame.

Check... my wife was the only girl (besides like mom and aunts which I am sure you did not mean)

Check.. I returned home, started school, started part time job... Was living with my parents trying to get my feet under me when I meet my future wife. This has been corrected now. :)

Check... Never asked her dad... Still haven't... He loves me now though.

Check?? Maybe?? Depends on how you define 'Peter Priesthood'. I served a mission, to the best of my ability. I came home and worked on getting an career and and education that could be used to support a family. I served in callings, gave talks, and fulfilled assignments as given. I did what I thought was expected/needful for me to do. If that is what you meant then yes... If what you meant was 'Self Righteous' and Judgmental... I would like to think I avoided that... but I am sure I had my moments.

I have now been married for over 15 years, we had our struggles and we expect to have more struggles but it is working.

I think the bottom line is that 'Red Flags' are going to be very personal and customized... While we might disagree with some of the Flags a person might choose it is their right to do so

My red flags don't have to be your red flags.... Many people beat the odds, I like to hedge my bets