How selective should you be when choosing someone to marry

[Misshalfway]

I'm not going to harp on others lists of deal-makers and deal-breakers. Personal preference is important, if you don't want something, then don't get involved with it. In the end, odds are it will save everyone a lot of heartache :]

And apparently a lot of headaches too....

[alucarD1975]

Random replies:

Alucar, out of curiosity, what happens if your wife later on in life develops a severe medical problem? Is it a deal-breaker?

Yes absolutely a total deal breaker how dare she get sick or have any medical issues. She know my heart is black and made of stone and would never dream of troubling me with any such issues.

[Backroads]

Yes absolutely a total deal breaker how dare she get sick or have any medical issues. She know my heart is black and made of stone and would never dream of troubling me with any such issues.

All right, I'm taking that as sarcasm. But my question was serious. I know it's not uncommon for married couples to offer each other "outs" when serious medical problems or injuries come up.

[Misshalfway]

Why is this thread reminding me of the movie "Gattaca"?

[Leah]

Obviously I have been taken out of context again, while outward apperance is important and should be discussed I am not that shallow to make it a deal breaker.

That said baring and medical issues, disease etc etc I think physical apperance should be maintained

(keep in mind that when your wife carries you child all bets are off for about 18mo)

So...both of you should look exactly the same as you did in the beginning for the duration of your marriage, correct?

[alucarD1975]

All right, I'm taking that as sarcasm. But my question was serious. I know it's not uncommon for married couples to offer each other "outs" when serious medical problems or injuries come up.

Of course not look you hedge your bets before hand by being selective, but then you play the hand you are delt.

[Backroads]

Of course not look you hedge your bets before hand by being selective, but then you play the hand you are delt.

Thanks.

See, was it so hard not to answer with a rude and sarcastic answer?

[Misshalfway]

I like to hedge my bets too. That's why I always send a packet to fill out before the first date. My assistent usually takes care of the first visual screening.

[Bini]

My husband and I joke about our age difference of about 20 years. He says to me, "You gonna be there when I need someone to push me around in a wheelchair?" -- my answer, "You bet!".

[Guest]

It was very important to me to have a man who could clearly and intelligently express himself, who was kind and compassionate, who was happy enough with himself that he didn't need someone else to meet the Celestial Barbie expectations, who didn't need a trophy wife to be proud of her, who was concerned with the pursuit of health as a whole and not just the appearance of optimal physical health, who tried his best to look on the heart as God does, whose ambitions in life were focused toward making the world better.

You wouldn't have made it to a first date.

[Backroads]

Of course not look you hedge your bets before hand by being selective, but then you play the hand you are delt.

I really do think this is a fair way to go. Like my aforementioned qualitification of not dating a guy who needs meds and refuses to take them. A little different from your approach, but still in the same ballpark, I think.

[annewandering]

She doesn't get migraines.

I find that very hard to believe.

[estradling75]

My red flags don't have to be your red flags.... Many people beat the odds, I like to hedge my bets

But, I agree with alucar's Red Flag items too. .

I don't necessary disagree with all of them or potential takes or understandings on many of them.

I am fully accepting that my wife and I broke a lot of conventional wisdom and recommendations, and ideas I think are good and wise. In fact there is only one aspect of how my marriage went down that I would unreservedly recommend. An aspect that I haven't seen really presented here. That is pray for guidance, maybe people are just assuming that as a given?

[Guest]

I like to hedge my bets too. That's why I always send a packet to fill out before the first date. My assistent usually takes care of the first visual screening.

I have several friends who did that. They're all from India.

:)

I actually helped one of them go through a tall pile of folders that his mom sent with something like a Curriculum Vitae of the "contestant". I tell ya, it felt like a Miss Universe contest - picture from the front, side, full Indian dress, casual dress... talents, educational achievement, different kinds of star charts, ... complete write up of the family too!

Oh yeah, one of them got rejected just because her brother's star chart was incompatible with his star chart...

He eventually got married - picked one out of the pile, went to India and married her within a month, and brought her to the US... that was over 10 years ago. They're still happily married today. Amazing!

[Dravin]

Come on folks - I have an errand to run - you can do this!

It's horrible but...

[alucarD1975]

Thanks.

See, was it so hard not to answer with a rude and sarcastic answer?

silly question, silly anwser.....

[Guest]

I don't necessary disagree with all of them or potential takes or understandings on many of them.

I am fully accepting that my wife and I broke a lot of conventional wisdom and recommendations, and ideas I think are good and wise. In fact there is only one aspect of how my marriage went down that I would unreservedly recommend. An aspect that I haven't seen really presented here. That is pray for guidance, maybe people are just assuming that as a given?

Oh yeah, that's a given.

Do your best and God will do the rest and all that jazz.

[alucarD1975]

I like to hedge my bets too. That's why I always send a packet to fill out before the first date. My assistent usually takes care of the first visual screening.

thats smart, make sure to include a credit report

[Bini]

It's horrible but...

Yes Dravin, it IS horrible. I demand you remove that image at once. Surely it's gonna give me nightmares..

JK Hey.. did you do that all by yerself?

[Leah]

I would dump a chick who was on anti depressants..... I would also dump a chick who though sex should only be performed in the mission position.....

Yeah ok whatever I'm shallow......

My wife is currently carrying our second child, I have not put any sort of time line on her getting back to (form) nor would I. My wife takes pride in her physical appreance This may be a cultural thing (she is mexican) as she refuses to sit around he house in sweat pant, and does not understand why others (people in our ward) look at having kids as an excuse to not look their best. she like to feel that i find her attractive and more importantly she likes to look good for herself.....

however if it takes 18yr to lose a little baby weight......that's just being lazy

Given your attitude and phraseology, I can't say that I would disagree.

[alucarD1975]

It was very important to me to have a man who could clearly and intelligently express himself, who was kind and compassionate, who was happy enough with himself that he didn't need someone else to meet the Celestial Barbie expectations, who didn't need a trophy wife to be proud of her, who was concerned with the pursuit of health as a whole and not just the appearance of optimal physical health, who tried his best to look on the heart as God does, whose ambitions in life were focused toward making the world better.

You wouldn't have made it to a first date.

oh I bet I would have.......

[Misshalfway]

Oh yeah, one of them got rejected just because her brother's star chart was incompatible with his star chart...

That's it! It wasn't the eyebrows at all. It was the star charts! I should have known...

[Backroads]

silly question, silly anwser.....

Yet you were willing to give me a serious answer later. What's so wrong with the question?

[annewandering]

I think I am going to assume that AlucarD married his female counterpart. Or Barbie. Anyway...

It is best to check out all the red flags but remember you are marrying a real person not a fantasy. I remember when I met my husband to be there were about five hundred red flags. Some of them very serious. And yes they have causes serious problems for us.

On the other hand, I knew I would never be happy without him. We needed each other very much and I do not mean sex.

We have been together for over 41 years now. I knew about the red flags and I decided that I could deal with them and have. It hasnt been easy many times but it has been very much worth it. The thing is to SEE the flags and evaluate them. If you really cant deal with someone you cant show off on your arm then they are not the one for you. Shallow or not. If you can deal with a man with schizophrenia and heart problems then mark that flag checked off. (I know a woman who is mpd/did from severe child hood abuse, who married a man who is unmedicated schizophrenic with heart problems and they are perfect for each other. So happy God put them in each others path)

A deal breaker for some is just an obstacle to deal with for others. You have to decide what works for you.

[Misshalfway]

Alucar,

I'll admit that I'm having a little fun at your expense.

And I swear I'll repent of it just as soon as I'm done.