What is “Happiness”?

[stveater]

I haven’t posted in a while and I have just been lurking around the different relationship forums. What I have read has been quite interesting. One particular topic that gets to me is this whole idea of “happiness”. Especially when you apply that term to a relationship. After being served divorce papers and gone through the entire divorce process because my ex was not “happy”, this topic personally gets to me. My original post was frantic and I wanted to know whether or not it was possible to save a relationship when one party has apparently given up. This was largely due to the fact that I had just been told that my ex wanted to divorce me and her original response from my expected response “Why?” was that it was because of my actions that caused her to be unhappy in our relationship. There are volumes I could write on the months that followed after that discussion. I wronged and she wronged was the final outcome. I was willing to work through the wrongs and she was not willing to work through them. She thought the effort was too much and that happiness should be found with little to no effort. She saw, and I see too, certain long lasting relationship that were married in the temple (e.g., her parents’, her grandparents’, some of her aunts’ and uncles’ marriages) and they are not visibly happy. Those relationships seem to be held by their temple covenants solely and they have not found happiness in that decision. Instead certain individuals chose to stick through their marriage no matter what (I’m not including any type of abuse here). My ex didn’t want that type of lifestyle and she was well on her way of going down that path and she had to make a choice: stay and be unhappy or leave and perhaps find happiness.

According to the interwebs, happiness is defined as “a mental or emotional state of well-being characterized by positive or pleasant emotions ranging from contentment to intense joy.” Shortly after I was given the horrible news about divorce, I noticed my soon to be ex seemed happy, which of course bothered me significantly. I found out that she had already started in another relationship with a non-member that spoke the same love language and they got along effortlessly and it was her definition of “happiness”. The relationship started before papers were severed on both of their parts. Their relationship was rapidly accelerated and needless to say I was beside myself anger wise. The statement of “wickedness was never happiness” was and still is such a conundrum to me at this point in my life. I’m not sure people would do things if it didn’t make them “happy”. There has to be some part of the brain that responds positively to whatever action we are taking; otherwise, why would we make that decision? Why would we do something that made us unhappy? By nature, I think certain actions spark what we may coin as happiness; however, I believe those actions are illusions of happiness under certain pretexts. Here is what I found:

1) Satan mimics happiness so well and tricks us to the point that we call or believe that actions we take that are contrary to the will of God are the very definition of “happiness”.

2 Nephi 28:20-21

20 For behold, at that day shall he rage in the hearts of the children of men, and stir them up to anger against that which is good.

21 And others will he pacify, and lull them away into carnal security, that they will say: All is well in Zion; yea, Zion prospereth, all is well—and thus the devil cheateth their souls, and leadeth them away carefully down to hell.

2) Our very nature is to seek out that which makes us happy and some of those items we seek are what the scriptures coin as “carnal, sensual, and devilish”.

Alma 42:10

10 Therefore, as they had become carnal, sensual, and devilish, by nature, this probationary state became a state for them to prepare; it became a preparatory state.

3) We can, with the subtle help of the devil, fool ourselves to believe that our own will is what will bring us happiness even though our natural will is contrary to that of God’s will.

D&C 3:4

4 For although a man may have many revelations, and have power to do many mighty works, yet if he boasts in his own strength, and sets at naught the counsels of God, and follows after the dictates of his own will and carnal desires, he must fall and incur the vengeance of a just God upon him.

So what is happiness? Why did this topic, or the lack of it in our relationship, lead to the destruction of my family? I'm sure my relationship isn't the only one that has ended under the "happiness" umbrella. Several points have been raised about happiness in a few threads, which have been along the following lines:

“I find happiness when I don’t focus on my happiness and I focus on other’s happiness.”

“Focusing on your own happiness in a marriage is selfish.”

“When you worry about your happiness you will never find it.

When you worry about your families’ happiness you will find yours in spades.”

I believe these statements to be true as they apply to myself; however, I believe that those statements outright are offensive to those that have been tricked into their state of happiness or perhaps even their state of unhappiness. In the end, happiness or statements about happiness are very fuzzy concepts when you try to apply it to everyone. For example, following certain church beliefs such as not drinking alcoholic beverage as part of the Word of Wisdom makes me happy; however, it does not necessarily make those that enjoy drinking to get the “buzz” and for the social aspect of drinking happy. Why did my ex's decision for happiness cause me so much unhappiness and what I see will cause problems with our 3 beautiful children down the road? Now try telling those people that enjoy what they do and are happy with those decisions that what it is that they do is just an illusion of happiness and prepare to be served :).

Thank you for reading my long-winded post. I'm just pondering happiness and interested in the whole concept in general. I am just like the rest of you and seeking happiness and have seen others apparently find it in manners in which I would have never imagined possible…

[Guest]

Happiness is quite simply when your desire and your reality match. So when you are unhappy, you have two choices, change your desire or change your reality.

Now, happiness is not always good. I know a person who is only happy when he escapes reality - so he is always drunk. One day, when he was sober, reality struck and he put a shotgun to his head.

I also know a person who is happy when she is in a relationship. She is very clingy and ultra dependent so her relationships don't last. But because she is so unhappy without a guy, she jumps at the first guy who shows a flicker of interest. She is a very very pretty woman... And she goes to dance clubs to find boyfriend material. So it's always the jerks she ends up with. And because she is so unhappy when she is not with a guy, she's happy being someone's doormat.

Anyway, good and lasting happiness is found in the teachings and examples of Jesus Christ. Make those things what you desire and then work to get your reality to match. A good marriage is founded on those principles with both husband and wife working towards a common desire to follow Christ.

[Bini]

A brother and myself were always the black sheep of the family - out of 10 children. We both struggled with the gospel, and more often than not, were drawn to things of the world. We were both inactive as teenagers and this trend continued onwards to adulthood. Speaking for myself, after having endured a divorce where I felt that I had been abused, I just wanted to reward myself with worldly happiness. Anyone that claims that things of the world don't bring you happiness - is wrong. Certainly, you can find happiness of the world in money, lust, and other self gratifying involvements but these things are not eternal happiness - they are temporal. My father once said that worldly happiness is not eternal happiness. I thought about that. Too frequently we seek the comforts of worldly happiness, and lose sight of the things that bring eternal happiness.

[applepansy]

... certain long lasting relationship that were married in the temple (e.g., her parents’, her grandparents’, some of her aunts’ and uncles’ marriages) and they are not visibly happy. Those relationships seem to be held by their temple covenants solely and they have not found happiness in that decision.…

How do you know they aren't happy? Just because there aren't visible signs when you're around them or when your ex was around them doesn't mean their relationship wasn't happy. Often we judge others happiness by experience in our own lives and sometimes we don't get it right.

My children know my husband and I are happily married even when we have difficult times. My niece stayed with us one summer for two weeks. She got really upset when my husband and I were discussing (not arguing, no raised voices) something which wasn't a "happy" topic. It wasn't even anything related to our relationship. It was something that happened in his day or mine or the news.... can't remember. What I remember is she thought we were fighting. My son (her age) interrupted us and told us we were scaring her. We immediately stopped talking and talked with her about why it scared her that we were talking. It turned out that her parents (my husband's brother and his wife) never "talked." If they talked they were fighting. They never raised their voices but they didn't talk. So Mr applepansy and I were fighting in her mind.

(side note: her parents are divorced and we're still happily married 36 years this week)

The only way to find true eternal happiness is to actively serve your spouse. Its through service that love grows. Its through communication that problems are solved.

I agree with Bini that worldly things can make us feel happy... for awhile. But if we don't realize that all worldly things come to an end we never look for the things that create eternal happiness. Often the worldly things that make us happy won't even last a lifetime.

Unless you talk to the couples you used as examples you won't know if there is happiness in their marriage or not.

[kartvines]

In last weeks Priesthood meeting we talked about marriage, and we were told that in our Stake and the Church overall there has been a 50% divorce rate even with those married in the Temple.

I am no longer married after 34 year and that is only due to being widowed, but it has been my opinion for a long time that too many people bail from marriages for reason of being unhappy, or because it is not easy. I have often hear that everything must be 50/50, but to me that makes no sense, if you are not able to devote 100% into your marriage/family then it will not last. When my kids were growing up they were teased because their parents were still together. Don't get me Wrong marriage is hard, but isn't everything worth while hard? Where are the rewards when something we want is easy to obtain? My wife was not a member of the church. and I was not active for 40 years, and we had our problems, but we didn't bail when thing got rough, and because of that we would have spend the rest of our life together because we were able to work though things that go in our path, and love prevailed. We were committed to each other and to our family and to me that is why our marriage worked

Edited August 8, 2012 by kartvines
spelling

[Guest]

we're still happily married 36 years this week

That's super awesome apple.

I didn't realize you're as old as pam.

[Anddenex]

Happiness, the ultimate search for all humankind. I believe the city of Enoch found true happiness. It is interesting that even the Son of God, Jesus Christ, is said to be a man "acquainted with grief", or a man acquainted with sorrow.

I have always found these words interesting in scriptures, "wickedness never was happiness", yet it appears the wicked do find happiness. Is it happiness, or is it a self-gratifying pleasure, which takes on the appearance of happiness?

Happiness, as anatess shared is highly influenced by our personal desires and our reality. Yet, I disagree with people who tell people to change their desires to find happiness, unless, the desire is within wicked pursuits to enjoy the appearance of happiness in self-gratifying pleasures (i.e. breaking commandments of God).

Happiness in itself is unobtainable without other virtues and principles:

1. Gratitude

2. Faith & Hope

3. Charity

4. Discernment

5. Patience

I have wondered if we should look at happiness as a law, or the law of happiness. Happiness is achieved when we honor the laws by which it has been predicated.

I would say, part of these laws are the previously stated virtues, or principles, by which happiness is intricately woven together.

Happiness then to me is the outward expression of my inward gratitude, faith, hope, charity, patience and discernment. The level at which I exercise these virtues and principles will be the height of my happiness, or joy.

[Anddenex]

(side note: her parents are divorced and we're still happily married 36 years this week)

Very interesting apple, I was born apparently the same time you were married. I am 36 today.

P.S. No one steal this thread wishing me a happy birthday. The happy in the birthday doesn't correlate with this thread.

[Bini]

Yaay! Happy anniversary Applepansy! And happy happy birthday Anddenex!

/Hijack

[stveater]

How do you know they aren't happy? Just because there aren't visible signs when you're around them or when your ex was around them doesn't mean their relationship wasn't happy. Often we judge others happiness by experience in our own lives and sometimes we don't get it right.

I don't know fully that those individuals are not happy. I didn't even know my ex was unhappy the majority of the time because it was bottled up and never expressed in any of our conversations with each other. When the d-word was brought up and I was told it was because she was not happy, my ex used those couples as examples of what she did not want and coined them as "unhappy". I believe that she thinks they are unhappy because of their actions and behavior around each other over a long extended period of time. Her grandparents' happiness also came up in conversation to her mother when she notified her mother that she was going to divorce me and the reason she gave her mom of her decision to divorce was because she was not happy. Her mother was trying to go down the path of reconciliation and mentioned that even though her grandma had put up with a lot of difficult trials with her companion, which she decided to stick to her covenants even though it was extremely difficult. I've been around both her grandma and grandpa and you can feel a certain vibe from people by their words, actions, mannerisms, and the manner in which they treat each other. Her grandparents seem stressed in a relationship stance, which my ex did not desire. I agree that happiness is determined on a personal level, which was one of my original points. One person/couple may find what they define as happiness by treating each other a certain way where another person/couple may find that to be unpleasant or not desired, which to them equates to unhappiness. In the end, my ex did not want that type of seemingly stressed relationship just for the sake of saying "I kept my covenants even though it cost me my happiness", which is what it would have cost my ex.

Unless you talk to the couples you used as examples you won't know if there is happiness in their marriage or not.

I agree.

[classylady]

You bring up some good points, Stveater about happiness and marriage relationships. The ideal is for both spouses to be happy in their relationship--overcoming their trials together, being-on-the-same-page with each other commitment wise and in other aspects of their relationship. So, what happens when one (or even both) spouses are no longer happy with each other? Do they just give up? Seek counseling? Try to improve things? Just stay married because of the covenants they have made? What if one spouse, no matter what, remains unhappy? To me, these are all questions that an individual would need to address. I think a lot of prayer would be in order, and hopefully personal revelation would be received on how to proceed with the marriage. I just know, that I would have a very difficult time in a marriage knowing that my spouse was not happy being with me. Life, day in and day out would be so hard knowing that my spouse was only remaining in the marriage because of the "divine institution of marriage", and not because they loved me. It takes two to make a marriage work, and if my spouse was determined to leave after all that I had done to make it work, then hopefully I would have the grace to allow my spouse to leave without acrimony or spite, even if I didn't agree with the choices they were making. It's just a hard situation.

Edited August 9, 2012 by classylady