Competing with a Soulmate

[SHMILY]

Right or Wrong Vs. Happiness

I'm a wife of 20 years to a good man.

Just recently, he has reconnected through FB, to his first love, whom he is now saying he has a spiritual connection and loves differently than from me. He has said nothing physical has happened.

He says he is committed to me and it would be wrong for him to leave. My heart is broken, and I'm trying to heal. He says, they could never be together because of religious covenance and how wrong it would be.

Apparently, she has always dwelled in his heart through his first marriage and now ours. She had broken his heart by declining a marriage with him so many years ago and then by sending letters how regretful she was to not of married him and the life they could of had, up until we met. In my mind stringing him along. Even now breaking his heart! I'm not sure he sees it this way.

I forgive him for still loving her, it was his first love. They are never forgotten. I just don't understand how this connection could be soo powerful, especially with such religious convictions. And soo much heart ache.

I keep thinking to let him go and be happy. All our hearts are hurting. His hurts for her, his conflict and confusion. Mine from the betrayal and deception.

It's such a tragedy. I feel as though I'm watching a movie and we all are the stars of the show.

We have decided to become active with church again and place it His hands.

Do I give us a chance based on the new found commitment and promises to Him?

Is there such thing as a soulmate in Heavenly Father's eyes?

[Guest]

Soulmates are made, not born. I understand that a first love has a special place in a person's heart, but he's being an idiot. His commitment is with you, and he should be cleaving to you totally and forsaking her totally. He shouldn't be in contact with her at all. I'm sorry you're going through this.

[captmoroniRM]

The ideas of soul mates and "the one" are flawed. Like Eowyn said, soul mate aren't born. You find someone you are compatible with and make them your soul mate. In scripture, there are only two people we are commanded to love with all our heart. The Lord and our spouse.

[MarginOfError]

I met my best friend before I met my wife. I considered marrying my best friend, and she considered marrying me. We didn't get married because, as she describes it, when she prayed about it, she felt like the Lord was telling her she hadn't yet met the person she was going to marry. It was hard, but we dealt with that and continued to have a great friendship.

But I wouldn't say I ever stopped loving her. In fact, a few years ago she was considering marrying a guy and I honestly felt jealous (although I think part of that was the fact that they guy was such a jerk--she did get married to a different guy a few months ago and I didn't feel any of that jealousy this time around).

Have I at times wondered how my life would be different if I had married my best friend? Yes, of course I have. It doesn't normally last long, however. It is usually only a few moments before I realize that my life is really good. It don't think it is coincidence that the moments when I'm most susceptible to wondering how my life would be different if I had married my best friend are the moments in which I'm upset with my wife. It's very clearly an issue of the grass always being greener on the other side. Once I remember that and remember all the happy and fun moments with my wife, I feel a lot of gratitude and satisfaction with how my life has turned out.

So here's the bad news: if your husband is dwelling this much on his previous love, then there's probably something that he's not happy with in your relationship. You two need to talk and figure out why he can't let go of this. A good marital therapist is probably something you should seek.

[MarginOfError]

Something else that I think we should remember in these situations is that the human heart has an infinite capacity to love. Just because a relationship with someone we love doesn't work out for the long term doesn't mean we should stop loving them. It only means we should limit the ways in which we express that love. That's really the thing that your husband needs to learn to do now.

[Bini]

Something else that I think we should remember in these situations is that the human heart has an infinite capacity to love. Just because a relationship with someone we love doesn't work out for the long term doesn't mean we should stop loving them. It only means we should limit the ways in which we express that love. That's really the thing that your husband needs to learn to do now.

I agree that our hearts have the infinite capacity to love if we allow it. But the love your spouse has for you, should only be for you, and not lustfully shared in any degree with anyone else. I believe that is where OP is concerned.

[NeuroTypical]

he has reconnected through FB, to his first love, whom he is now saying he has a spiritual connection and loves differently than from me.

Do you have children?

[Vort]

I am not big on judging absent spouses based on a husband's or wife's grievance. But based on what you have written, your husband is a fool, and I truly feel sorry for him, and you as well.

For his sake and for yours, I hope that he will abandon his foolish and petty lusts, reign in his wandering eye, bridle his roaming mind thinking stupid, meaningless thoughts of a fake life of bliss that never was, never will be, and frankly never would have been, and keep his mind focused at home with the treasure he has. And for both your sakes, I also hope you will find it in your heart to truly forgive him and not hold his (hopefully momentary) stupidity and loathsome disloyalty against him forever.

[MarginOfError]

I agree that our hearts have the infinite capacity to love if we allow it. But the love your spouse has for you, should only be for you, and not lustfully shared in any degree with anyone else. I believe that is where OP is concerned.

And hence my statement that we should limit the ways in which we express that love.

[annewandering]

One of my brothers has this problem. It is so stupid. They didnt get married for a reason and that reason still exists. In the end it has a lot to do with him being divorced twice. She encourages him in so innocent of ways like, I love you and I made a big mistake but I have to live with it now. Baloney. Its all manipulation.

Your husband was lucky to have not married her. She is being unfaithful to her own family, if she is married, and she is encouraging your husband to be unfaithful even if only in spirit. She would have done the SAME thing to him if she had married him.

Count her as a jealous, conniving witch. She will go for any weaknesses and your husband will probably fall for it. You need to ask him to unfriend her and stay away from her if he wants your marriage to work. She is a fantasy but your family is real.

[Bini]

And hence my statement that we should limit the ways in which we express that love.

I didn't miss this part of your quote

It only means we should limit the ways in which we express that love.

I got that part, and that's the part I was referring to - "that love" should be reserved for his wife - not just expressed within limits to another. That's how your comment read to me. In regards to the topic at hand, limitations mean nothing if your spouse is harbouring intimate feelings for another in his/her heart and mind. Allowing oneself to pine over another when we are married, is cancerous to our marriage.

[MarginOfError]

I didn't miss this part of your quote

I got that part, and that's the part I was referring to - "that love" should be reserved for his wife - not just expressed within limits to another. That's how your comment read to me. In regards to the topic at hand, limitations mean nothing if your spouse is harbouring intimate feelings for another in his/her heart and mind. Allowing oneself to pine over another when we are married, is cancerous to our marriage.

I see where you're coming from now, and I agree. It's okay to still have love for a previous relationship, but that definitely needs to become platonic. I guess it's the difference between saying "I still love my best friend" and saying "I'm still in love with my best friend."

[MorningStar]

Years ago when I was visiting my best friends, the husband came out of their office looking a little shaken up. He said his ex-fiance (who married someone else after he joined the military with no warning) contacted him out of the blue via email and said she missed their "friendship". I said, "Get rid of her immediately."

He said, "Well, she just wants to be friends." I said, "No, she's not happy in her marriage and she's hoping yours has gone in the crapper too." So he wrote her a nice note saying he wouldn't be keeping in touch with her because he didn't want to jeopardize his marriage. She acted all offended and then he didn't hear from her again until Facebook at least 5 years later.

Then she sent him a friend request and a private message, not realizing that he and his wife have access to each other's accounts. She said a bunch of stuff, including that she was happily married, but she would always love him. She said, "If you want, you can say that you love me too." He told her that wasn't appropriate and she tried to play innocent to save face. "Oh, I just meant I love you as a friend." Uh huh. Of course, my friend was very upset by this woman pursuing her husband.

It would be smart for everyone to preemptively block any old flames on Facebook. And no, you shouldn't just give up your marriage. We are all capable of being attracted to many members of the opposite sex, but we have to draw some lines. I don't use my maiden name on Facebook because I don't want to be contacted by any old flames.

[Dravin]

I didn't miss this part of your quote

I suspect you mentioning lustfully sharing the love threw him off. Sharing could either be a reference to the concurrent existence, such as us holding the same opinion on a TV show, or the act of giving or expressing something, such as us communicating our opinion on the TV show to each other. You meant the first and I suspect he read it as the second.

[Vort]

Some of us are safe, having no old flames to be contacted by.

[Dravin]

Some of us are safe, having no old flames to be contacted by.

Yep, I married my first (and only) romantic love.

[slamjet]

Some of us are safe, having no old flames to be contacted by.

What did you do, "sanction" them all

[EarlJibbs]

Some of us are safe, having no old flames to be contacted by.

I was about to hit the laugh button... then I thought you may be serious. No offense.

[Vort]

I was about to hit the laugh button... then I thought you may be serious. No offense.

Oh, I was serious, but feel free to laugh at me. Sister Vort thinks I'm Edward to her Bella, which is nice, but I'm pretty sure she's the only female in the history of the world to find me attractive. I was that kid in grade school who loved the girls but whom the girls avoided like the plague, preferring instead to chase the cool boy who treated them like dirt.

Edited August 24, 2012 by Vort

[EarlJibbs]

Old feelings will remain in your heart. If you were hurt, it may still hurt. If you loved, then you may still have that feeling. But being married, you shouldnt dwell on the what ifs of the past.

FB has been great for me to reconnect with all of my Venezuelan friends that otherwise would have been lost in the wheel of time (book reference. It also can be used for the evil purpose of destroying marriages. Not that anyone cares, but here are my FB rules and they seem to work out great. That and the fact that I rarely make comments on FB. I meerly troll to see how people are doing.

1. NO old girlfriends

2. Family

3. Mission

4. Home ward members (from growing up)

I very rarely deviate from that. I dont even allow most old high school friends unless we were very close and not of the opposite sex. My FB page can be accessed at any time from my computer by my spouse and on my tablet. It is an open book. Same as hers.

[EarlJibbs]

Oh, I was serious, but feel free to laugh at me. Sister Vort thinks I'm freaking Edward to her Bella, which is nice, but I'm pretty sure she's the only female in the history of the world to find me attractive. I was that kid in grade school who loved the girls but whom the girls avoided like the plague, preferring instead to chase the cool boy who treated them like dirt.

It's done. I officially laughed at it and I feel better.

[seeking_peace]

Your husband is cheating on you. He's having an emotional affair and it is just as hurtful and heartbreaking as a sexual affair would be.

Four and a half years ago, my husband did the same thing. He reconnected with someone that he knew in high school on facebook. She told him that she had made a mistake marrying her husband and should have married his. They "fell in love."

Six months later, I came upon the secret email account that he set up so that he could communicate with her. It was the most nightmarish time in my life. To read their declarations of love, turned my stomach inside out.

He promised to break it off with her, and I used it as a "wake up call." I thought the same thing that MOE said, that there was something missing in our marriage. I spent the next 4 months bending over backward to make my husband happy. He became the center of my life. My child, my friends, my church callings all suffered because I lived to make him happy.

I honestly thought that our marriage was in a really good place. BUT, then I discovered that he hadn't broken it off with her. I told him that he couldn't have it both ways and he had to let one of us go. I

t took him months and months of agonizing, trying to decide what would be the best choice (which was also very painful because the answer should have been obvious). Finally after 5 months of him wavering. I gave him an ultimatum. I told him that sometimes not choosing is a choice. If he couldn't make up his mind by a certain date (6 weeks in the future), I would help him pack.

He waited until the assigned date, and asked for a divorce. She divorced her husband and they got married the day after our divorce was final.

[Wingnut]

It would be smart for everyone to preemptively block any old flames on Facebook.

This has been discussed at length on this website in the past, but I just wanted to say that this "rule" is fine and dandy for many people, but does not need to be black and white. As long as there are trust and open communication in a marriage, as well as mutually agreed-upon guidelines regarding communication with exes, some people may find that they don't need to block such people.

(Full disclosure: one of my best friends is my ex-fiance's wife. I didn't know her until after they got together, and she and I developed our friendship over Facebook...after I briefly re-connected with him, publicly.)

[SHMILY]

Thank you for the support and insights.

[alucarD1975]

No ex girlfriends on FB, thats the rule When I first got on FB all my friend requests were from ex girlfriends.

No ex girlfriends I didn't friend any of them and trust me I wanted to, but the fact that I wanted to was an indication that I shouldn't

For the OP in your case you need to call him out.....it stops TODAY......or your done...