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ldsguy422

Sexual Feelings Towards My Fiance

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So my fiance and I have both admitted to having sexual feelings for one another. I think it's good to obviously have physical attraction towards the person you marry, but we both feel bad when we have those lustful feelings. Do these strong emotions make us unworthy of being married in the temple? Do we need to talk to the bishop about this?

Part of me feels like almost every couple who's been married in the temple has had similar feelings at some point in time. But I absolutely don't want to justify sin in any degree; I just want to make sure that we're both worthy of such a great and marvelous covenant. Just for the record, we don't make-out, or get involved in petting, or anything passionate like that... and Pornography and mb isn't an issue at all. Our kisses are usually brief around 2-4 seconds. But we sometimes do get those lustful feelings and I don't know if that's breaking the law of chastity or not. We want to make sure that we're absolutely worthy of a temple marriage. So any suggestions would be greatly appreciated on how to maintain the worthiness. Thank you!

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Guest DeborahC

Of course you get those feelings.. you are human and attracted to each other. I don't think you need to talk to the bishop, personally. Just maybe don't put yourself in situations where you are tempted to ACT on those feelings? Stay in public places, family places, and keep physical contact to things you'd do in public? I think it's GOOD if you're sexually attracted. Many marriages out there are not very happy because one or the other partner doesn't have those feelings. Those feelings are a blessing, and once you're married, you will thank God for them! That's my opinion!

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There's nothing wrong with being sexually attracted to your fiancee. If you weren't, it would be bad.

There are permutations, of course. If your spouse-to-be is in danger of becoming solely a tool of your own pleasure in your mind, then it's bad as you're dehumanizing her..

Ultimately, we're sexual beings and were designed that way. It's expected, even desired. You're probably okay.

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DO NOT feel bad about having those feelings just DO NOT ACT on them, make absolutely sure not to place yourselves in a situation where those feelings can be acted upon and you should be ok.

I cannot stress enough that there is absolutely nothing wrong with having those feelings as long as you continue to live the law of chastity and withhold acting on those feelings until after your married. Continuing to harbor guilt and shame and feeling bad about feeling that way coud lead to problems with intimacy down the road once your married.

Maybe try reading book called "And They Were Not Ashamed." by Laura Brotherson together its a great read.

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Feelings of lust (as your put it) when combined with feelings of love are not bad or sinful. Infact, you will or should continue to have those feelings of lust towards your spouse even after you are married.

Feelings of lust without love is another matter.

I do not believe that lust of a sexual is something that you need to go to the bishop to confess, unless that is you have acted on it outside of marriage. Normally lust & covetting is something that is between you & the Lord.

If lust & covetting had to be brought to a priesthood authority .... well the line at the bishops office would be long & never ending!

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I'm more worried about the two of you being programmed to have guilt over such feelings than I am about you having them. Sexual desires ARE NOT something to feel guilty over. Whatever you have been told, you do not automatically have sexless thoughts right up until the end of the marriage ceremony and suddenly have sexy thoughts as soon as you hit the honeymoon suite. Sexual desire is normal and healthy, and something you should be happening.

You really only should be seeking help if:

-- Sexual lust is the ONLY thing you are feeling toward each other.

-- You feel breaking the law of chastity is becoming a very real possibility.

-- You have broken the law of chastity.

-- The desires have become pornographic and all-thought-consuming (I say all-thought, because I still thinking having some sexual fantasies at this point is normal and the engagement is a good time to discuss sexual expectations--but if you can't think of anything else, something is up).

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I'm more worried about the two of you being programmed to have guilt over such feelings than I am about you having them. ....... Sexual desire is normal and healthy, and something you should be happening.

Backroads, you bring up an interesting point and a VERY valid concern there.

Years ago I over heard a young lady commenting to some of her friends what the 1st 6 months of marriage had been like. In her comments was a phrase that has stuck with me since, "So this I marriage, sex is okay in marriage, it still feels sinful."

For me, that was scary to think we program our children and youth to feel that way and having it slop over into married lives.

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So my fiance and I have both admitted to having sexual feelings for one another. I think it's good to obviously have physical attraction towards the person you marry, but we both feel bad when we have those lustful feelings. Do these strong emotions make us unworthy of being married in the temple? Do we need to talk to the bishop about this?

If you weren't hot for each other, there would be a problem. Keep your behavior in check, get married, then enjoy it. You're both normal.

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If that kind of chemistry toward your intended is a sin, I have almost 15 years of feelings to repent for. Just make sure you're balancing it with other aspects of your relationship, or in other words not focusing on it too much. Don't be alone very much at all. Go have some good, wholesome, active fun together. Intellectually challenge each other. Attend the temple together. This period of time is about getting to know each other and become emotionally and mentally intimate. After marriage, you happily add the physical intimacy. Bridle your passions, don't kill them.

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Here's another example that will hopefully validate the sexy feelings you have toward each other.

My husband's first marriage ended partially due to sexual reason. I actually joined this here board during our engagement because I had questions on some problems we had at the time--my husband, still rather trauamtized from Marriage #1, was terrified I would not want to have a sexual relationship with him (took some chats and a bit of counseling to get past that).

While I needed my husband to stop worrying, he needed to know what I was sexually attracted to him before the wedding. It was a big deal to him that he was desired, that any sexual problems that could be taken care of before the marriage were cared for.

While we can't see the unforseeable, having sexual desire for each other is a very good and healthy thing because that desire will help lead into a healthy sexual relationship. If sex problems do arise after the marriage, you can still have that basis of original sexual desire to help.

So rejoice in the fact you "want" each other and keep your clothes on till after the ceremony.

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If that kind of chemistry toward your intended is a sin, I have almost 15 years of feelings to repent for. Just make sure you're balancing it with other aspects of your relationship, or in other words not focusing on it too much. Don't be alone very much at all. Go have some good, wholesome, active fun together. Intellectually challenge each other. Attend the temple together. This period of time is about getting to know each other and become emotionally and mentally intimate. After marriage, you happily add the physical intimacy. Bridle your passions, don't kill them.

I love that! "Bridle your passions, don't kill them." I may have to quote you on that. :)

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Thanks for all the advice, everyone! We're getting married in December :-) I think part of the issue is what some of you guys have already mentioned - the way we're raised in the church, anything sexual in our minds is instantly processed as an evil and sinful thought. And somehow these strong emotions are suppose to go from bad to good in a matter of one day... I loved her before I ever had any lustful feeling. She's great and wonderful and I'm excited to share my life with her.

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the way we're raised in the church, anything sexual in our minds is instantly processed as an evil and sinful thought.

Yeah, I'm doubling the advice to get that "And They Were Not Ashamed" book. Start reading it before you get married.

Good luck! Happy December!

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Thanks for all the advice, everyone! We're getting married in December :-) I think part of the issue is what some of you guys have already mentioned - the way we're raised in the church, anything sexual in our minds is instantly processed as an evil and sinful thought. And somehow these strong emotions are suppose to go from bad to good in a matter of one day... I loved her before I ever had any lustful feeling. She's great and wonderful and I'm excited to share my life with her.

We need to do better at teaching the law of chastity without shaming sexual development/feelings.

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I think part of the issue is what some of you guys have already mentioned - the way we're raised in the church, anything sexual in our minds is instantly processed as an evil and sinful thought.

For the record, I was raised in the Church by active Latter-day Saint parents, and I don't believe I ever thought of sex per se as evil or sinful. I knew fornication was wrong, but I was taught from a very young age that married sex is a whole different thing.

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The way I approach it with my kids is, "Is fire bad?"

Them: Yes!

Me: It is?

Them: Oh, well not all the time.

Me: That's right. Fire is great when you use it in the right place at the right time. But in the wrong place, it can ruin your life.

I wasn't raised with a sense that sex is bad and I didn't feel like the church taught it that way either.

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Must be church culture.

Don't overlook family culture. Ultimately the responsibility of teaching children about sex rests upon the parents and if they hold a particular perspective on the issue it'll tend to be communicated more forcefully than a couple lessons and conference talks a year will.

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