Broken Heart

[Hala401]

So much of my effort in the last few years has gone into being up beat, supportive and sweet that I have attempted to ignore my own pain. Then along came the LDS church, and I thought that Heavenly Father had used it to heal all my pain, and to teach me to once again be outgoing, loving and sweet to others in a way that I never felt entitled to before. Better yet, those around me in my new faith acted like I was already that way, providing encouragement that had previously felt impossible.

Someone encouraged me to try yet again to reconcile with my family, and after much fear and trepidation, a letter was written that took me two months. This effort was greeted with anger and rejection.

Lately, I have wondered why I just did not end it back in 2004. (I promise that I will not do anything selfish and unholy) Confidence in myself is shaken, not my faith in Heavenly Father.

So, knowing that probably everyone on this site has faced times of absolute despair, I am wondering how you coped with it, and how you recovered?

Previously, I was on very heavy dosages of Psych Meds for about three years. I do not wish to do that again, but right now don't know if there is the inner strength to re-boot?

How have you overcome absolute despair?

[Bini]

Love, support, sunshine and exercise does a lot for one that is down in the dumps. But when that fails, sometimes, medication is the next step to recovery as an additional aide.

[Guest]

Time. Prayer. The things Bini mentioned. I'm convinced that if I'd conceded to some therapy, I would have recovered more quickly. If I could go back I would have found a good therapist. Meds if needed, too.

[jb789]

It's a tough thing to do, but if we can uncover the cause of our despair/sorrow, that is very helpful in feeling better.

For example, though my experiences differ, when I graduated from college and had a major career turning point, I was very disappointed that things didn't work out the way I expected them to. After a while, I realized it was my expectations that were causing my sorrow - and when I learn to put my life more in the hands of God, and go with the flow, that sorrow and disappointment is greatly diminished. I've found this to be the case with relationships also - having expectations of others can set us up for a lot of disappointment and sorrow.

I hope that helps - it is very hard to deal with despair, but I've found that uncovering the cause of our despair is very helpful, then working from there. I've found that just trying to be upbeat, rather than investigating the root cause of our unhappiness, does little long-term help.

[Hala401]

Oh, I know exactly why I am in such despair. I was married for 40 years. My family was the center of my life, and being cut off from them since 2004 has been really unbearable, but gradually, the pain seemed to numb somewhat.

When I first started talking to Sister Missionaries in Kirtland, I could not even speak of them without a torrent of tears, but over the months, Heavenly Father healed me of the pain and allowed me to lead a normal life.

It feels like this latest effort to reconcile with them, and the subsequent rejection, just tears at my soul in the most painful way imaginable. I can feel my resolve to not hurt myself eroding, so before it goes too far, too much drama, I've just talked to my counselor about drugs. It's been disappointing because they were stopped back in 2007

[Guest LiterateParakeet]

Hala, I'm so sorry. I understand your pain, I mean the kind of pain that makes you think about ending it all. Like you I have committed not to do that, but I remember being there.

I hope that you will consider therapy along with the meds. I know you said you know where the pain is coming from, but therapy is not just to "discover the source" but to help you find ways to cope. In my opinion, the meds will dull the pain for a time, like pain reliever, but they don't solve anything. In order to be free of the pain, you need something more therapy can seem more painful in the beginning, but it does help. I go to therapy twice a week (and have for awhile now) It is hard, but it helps. For me it has been a combination of learning coping skills to deal with the pain, and also working through it.

Along with therapy, seek the Savior. This can be difficult because when we try to dull the emotional pain, we also block the Spirit. In times past, I found great comfort in turning to the Savior, but in my current "adversity" (healing from childhood abuse), it has been hard for me to turn to Him partially because of the deep sense of shame that I feel. (We are counseled not to watch R-rated movies, and yet I have X-rated memories, how could I not feel shame?)

Still something my Bishop said recently has been very helpful to me, perhaps it will help you as well. He said if I don't feel comfortable allowing the Lord to comfort me, to figuratively take His Hand, then perhaps like the woman in the scriptures, I could "touch His robe."

Touch His robe. I love that. Yes, I can do that...as long as He does not turn and look at me. So whether you can take His hand, or just touch His robe...reach out to Him in whatever way you can. He will get you through this as He has for me.

[Hala401]

I don't care if someone knows this about me. After my divorce, I was in therapy once a week for 3 hours for 4 years. And your vocabulary makes it sound as if you are in a program that is similar to what I did. It has helped me a lot, and normally practicing Radical Acceptance, and Distraction would have pulled me out.

It's still really easy to make me feel guilty, and that combined with an especially bad couple of weeks with pain just drug me down. I have some really heavy drugs for the pain, but usually avoid using them unless there is no other alternative.

Thank you for your kind words.

Hala

[Guest LiterateParakeet]

I am glad you got a blessing. Great idea, why didn't I think of that? I'm "over due" for a blessing myself.

I am open about being in therapy too, because I don't believe it is anything to be ashamed of. (I know it's ironic, that I DO have shame about things that are not my fault, but that shame goes very deep, it's not so easily rooted out.)

Anyway, so glad you got a blessing.

[Guest]

I don't know if this is going to work for you, Hala, but it worked for me.

I surrendered. Yep. I gave myself up completely to the Atonement of Christ. I spent all my energies thinking and praying minute by minute, hour by hour what Jesus would want me to do now. I went with the easy answers - completely charity. I even got myself a dog that was abandoned by their owners because he had behavioral issues. I spent hours and hours rehabilitating that dog - never giving up even if the dog was proving to be more problem than I expected. I completely went outside of myself. And man, that dog loved me like you won't believe. I would get sick and that dog would know it - he'd snuggle and lick my hand and just be amazingly perceptive. You can just see it in his eyes. Anyway, I did it for others too. That's when I involved myself with Bosnian refugees, spending most of my spare time trying to get them integrated into society. One of the Bosnian refugees was a 19-year-old who was the leader of his military unit. One of his unit stepped on a landmine which killed all of the unit except for him and one other person. Both of them got saved by a Baptist mission and got sent as refugees to Florida. The other person lost his limbs at the hospital in Florida. He had shrapnel scars all over his body. I helped them get integrated into American society - they couldn't even speak english - helped them with jobs, etc. We became very good friends. I remember the days when we would watch a movie and he wouldn't be able to understand what was going on so he would lay down on the floor under our feet and sleep! But man, that guy was an awesome friend to me. I have Bosnian friends from those days who still keep in contact with me... this was almost 20 years ago! I see how successful they are now and remember those days when they can't even speak English and it gives me a really good feeling.

Anyway, it healed my spirit. Then it wasn't long after that when I got married and my husband finished the healing...

Edited September 7, 2012 by anatess