When should parenting end (or at least change?)

[Backroads]

I'm sitting here listening to my office mate put out yet another fire for her one of her adult children. The impression I get from having worked with her is that she handles most matters for her adult children: does most of the work for their kids, helps with their finances, handles insurance matters, etc.

So I want to ask the more experienced parents of the board... at what point is a parent supposed to stop doing that stuff? When should a parent help out?

[applepansy]

The simple answer is you stop then the child can or should be doing it themselves.

[Vort]

If a normal, healthy child is unable to live independently after the age of 18, the parent has failed.

[Backroads]

Yet is seems that if you don't get them prepared in time... you're stuck with 'em. At least that's what I observe from co-worker.

[estradling75]

The church teaches that at age 8 a child starts becoming accountable. The law (in the US at least) states that at 18 a person becomes and adult with all the legal adult responsibilities. Assuming normal mental development, the parents have about 10 years to teach the child to stand on their own. Which is easier to do if you start earlier when the consequences are less important. By the time they are 18 the parents role should be mainly advisory. A state that should gradually and naturally come about by giving the child more and more responsibilities before the 18th year comes around.

[Guest]

at what point is a parent supposed to stop doing that stuff?

Never.

But then, a family is a society - the most basic form of it. The family is and should be the first stop for help and cooperation. But, this is not a one-way street. Parents help the children and children help the parents. They contribute their resources into the society. The parents help the children grow so that the children can contribute resources to the society. The children strive to grow to contribute resources to the society and prepare for the event that the parents get older and would require assistance from the society.

Okay, we all know what Socialism means right? Well, a family is the perfect application of Socialism. It is really where it is best applied. But, you know the pitfalls of Socialism, right? That's when a member of the society abuses the system. The good thing about families is - you have the power to vote somebody off the island to maintain the Socialist system.

So yes, my answer is Never. But, it comes with the pre-condition that each member of the family understands the Socialist paradigm as it applies to the success of the entire family.

My family is structured this way. My parents helped us become who we are today and now we are paying for my dad's very expensive cancer treatment. We all just pool our resources and do everything we can to keep the family strong. We strive to do the best we can to help each other because - we don't want to get voted off the island...

Edited September 7, 2012 by anatess

[Jenamarie]

Yet is seems that if you don't get them prepared in time... you're stuck with 'em. At least that's what I observe from co-worker.

No, because unless the adult is disabled in some way that makes complete independence impossible and/or extremely difficult, then they SHOULD be able to figure things out for themselves, whatever their parents' failure might have been. A simple Google search could lead to the answer to many problems.

[applepansy]

Its important to remember that parents aren't the only influence on their children.

Vort, sometimes selfishness is taught outside the home and parents get to deal with it. I'm still trying to figure out how to let my son fall on his face and still catch his son. I don't feel we failed. He was taught the same things the other three were taught.

An area authority who talked at our Stake Conference a few years ago said (paraphrase) "For those of you patting yourself on the back because your children are doing everything they are suppose to, remember, Heavenly Father didn't trust you enough to send you the hard ones."

[applepansy]

Yet is seems that if you don't get them prepared in time... you're stuck with 'em. At least that's what I observe from co-worker.

I don't think you're stuck with them. Parents have choices too. The question often becomes can you live with the consequences of your choices regarding your adult children.

[Backroads]

I think CO-worker might be in the same situation as applepansy... When Co-worker vents about it, she expresses fears about what will happen to her grandkids if she doesn't keep everything neat and tidy. She takes care of all school enrollment because she is afraid her kids won't bother.

I just find it odd she's handling the finances and insurance like a secretary. It seems a bit much.

[Vort]

Its important to remember that parents aren't the only influence on their children.

Vort, sometimes selfishness is taught outside the home and parents get to deal with it. I'm still trying to figure out how to let my son fall on his face and still catch his son. I don't feel we failed. He was taught the same things the other three were taught.

An area authority who talked at our Stake Conference a few years ago said (paraphrase) "For those of you patting yourself on the back because your children are doing everything they are suppose to, remember, Heavenly Father didn't trust you enough to send you the hard ones."

Note my qualifier of "normal" and "healthy". A child who has made bad choices may no longer be healthy, even if his parents have done everything "right".

(The moment I posted my comment, I knew it would be misunderstood. I almost edited it to include a lengthy explanation, but decided not to. Oh, well...)

[Bini]

My parents were always involved in our lives, sometimes we felt too involved but they meant well. I moved out when I was 17 and got married shortly after that. During this time I was not close to anyone in my family. But for the siblings that wanted degrees, my parents paid for university in entirety, and for a couple of them, my parents also bought condos for them while they attended school. The idea behind doing this, was to give my siblings the best opportunity to succeed, and they all did. They're all married now but there was a time in between there, where my parents literally had a hand in a lot of what they did. My sister is 26 years old, and has only been no-strings-attached from my parents for about the last year but that hasn't hampered her in any way. She graduated law school, is happily married, and is a fully functioning member of society. She is even working towards paying my parents back for all the financial help, even though it was a gift. So that says something about her character, too. I think the difference is when you do everything for your kids, without teaching them the necessary tools in how to be independent.

[NeuroTypical]

My wife is currently working with a mom who has a fairly high-functioning Asperger's kid. The mom is having a terrifyingly hard time coming to grips with the fact that her kid's condition will outlive her.

Parents of special-needs kids often have a difficult time coming to grips with this fact of reality. When the parents do come to grips with it in time, the adult children tend to live much more productive and independent lives, than when mommy just figures she'll always be there for their poor disabled kid, and then mommy gets old and dies.

Most Mommies (parents in general, but especially mommies) have a deep intuitive understanding of what their kids need. And from what I see around me everywhere, some parents, but especially mommies, can have very hard struggles at getting their kids used to filling their own needs. Because every advance made, is another step towards not having a dependent child any more. Mom is setting herself up to not be needed any more - to be replaced. It can be frightening and difficult.

We helped some friends move - a married couple with two kids. We were having dinner with them and her parents one day - I almost fell out of my chair as I witnessed the mom cut up the food on her adult daughter's plate for her, right in front of the daughter's kids.

[NeuroTypical]

(paraphrase) "For those of you patting yourself on the back because your children are doing everything they are suppose to, remember, Heavenly Father didn't trust you enough to send you the hard ones."

Heh. Totally false doctrine - but I think I like it anyway.

[applepansy]

I think CO-worker might be in the same situation as applepansy... When Co-worker vents about it, she expresses fears about what will happen to her grandkids if she doesn't keep everything neat and tidy. She takes care of all school enrollment because she is afraid her kids won't bother.

I just find it odd she's handling the finances and insurance like a secretary. It seems a bit much.

I do not handle my son's finances. The only thing I pay for is what my grandson needs. My son is starting to give me money to cover some expenses. Finally!!!!

[C_T_R]

In my opinion, it depends on a case by case basis. Ideally parents teach their children independence, and promote that. Some don't; some want, and at times need (unhealthily) to be depended upon.

I just don't think we can judge people even if we think we see clearly what's happening. In my experience, it's rarely the case that we can see what's happening on the outside.

[beefche]

An area authority who talked at our Stake Conference a few years ago said (paraphrase) "For those of you patting yourself on the back because your children are doing everything they are suppose to, remember, Heavenly Father didn't trust you enough to send you the hard ones."

Yay! Good job on putting down parents who try to raise children right and make them feel lacking for not raising a hellion. Good work. Next, will be to place guilt and condemnation on parents who have raised a hellion or two.

[Sharky]

My wife says she did TOO good of a job raising independant kids. They are so independant that she never hears from them!

She has reverted back a bit & has taken to calling them & telling them (not reminding them, telling them) that Mother's Day is on Sunday & that she expects a call or that her birthday is coming up & she expects a card.

She finally got on facebook 'cuz that's the only way she gets current pictures of the grandkids.

[NeuroTypical]

Yay! Good job on putting down parents who try to raise children right and make them feel lacking for not raising a hellion. Good work. Next, will be to place guilt and condemnation on parents who have raised a hellion or two.

Well, the genious behind the quote, is that there are no parents of perfectly obedient children, because there are no perfectly obedient children. It's like insulting the tree people because their bark is too thick or something.

[Backroads]

I like the notions Bini and anatess mentioned... I think those are perfectly fine.

But I just don't understand the idea of being the primary caregiver when the kids well into their twenties. What if a parent thinks she is just taking the raising slow, dies suddenly, and has adult children that aren't quite ready for society?

[applepansy]

Yay! Good job on putting down parents who try to raise children right and make them feel lacking for not raising a hellion. Good work. Next, will be to place guilt and condemnation on parents who have raised a hellion or two.

First of all, I didn't say it. I quoted the area authority. Second, thank you LM for pointing out the obvious. :)

Vort, "normal" and "healthy" aren't concrete concepts.

[Guest]

I like the notions Bini and anatess mentioned... I think those are perfectly fine.

But I just don't understand the idea of being the primary caregiver when the kids well into their twenties. What if a parent thinks she is just taking the raising slow, dies suddenly, and has adult children that aren't quite ready for society?

Then the children do what every other children of dysfunctional families do when they get unleashed into society - they either sink or swim.

[beefche]

First of all, I didn't say it. I quoted the area authority. Second, thank you LM for pointing out the obvious. :)

Vort, "normal" and "healthy" aren't concrete concepts.

I know you didn't say it. It was said by someone in authority to a bunch of people. I also recognize that I wasn't there and didn't get the whole context. But, based on the one line, I can just imagine how I would would feel if my kids were in the "good" category. Wow, what did I do wrong to have raised "good" kids and can't have HF trust? Hitting at one's pride by building the pride up of another isn't a good thing, in my book. But, that's just me on an internet forum with no authority.

[Backroads]

Then the children do what every other children of dysfunctional families do when they get unleashed into society - they either sink or swim.

Can't tell if you're being sarcastic. Even if a parent is taking it slow and intending to help their child for awhile, shouldn't certain basic skills be complete by 18?

[Guest]

Can't tell if you're being sarcastic. Even if a parent is taking it slow and intending to help their child for awhile, shouldn't certain basic skills be complete by 18?

Not sarcastic at all.

Should is different than reality though. And some parents have whacked up values of what skills are needed. And what's more, some parents don't even know where their kids are most of the time let alone care if they're learning certain basic skills. And other parents don't realize that they're crippling their children moe than preparing them.

So, all I'm saying is - if a kid is a product of this and he finds himself all of a sudden thrown into society on his own sails, then he sinks or swims.

For example, my best friend was around 14 years old or so when his dad just all of a sudden decided to move (long story). His dad told him he can come or he can stay. He decided to stay (also long story). So, he moved in with his friend from school who had a boat and he lived in that boat. He worked odds and ends just so he can eat and get basic necessities. He took showers at his friend's house. He lived like that until he was old enough to join the military. So yeah, he refused to sink, so he swam.