What to do?

[grownfromaseedwithin]

I am a year away from a BA at the university, but I am currently taking a year off to regain my health. My husband is in his last year in his Master's degree and will be seeking a job after. However, my husband is going to try and get a job wherever he can get one, even if it means that we must move out of state and away from our families.

I know it is important for him to get a good job and I totally support this front, however if we move away I will not be able to complete my degree. I have hopes of going onto graduate school, but my husband says this is probably not possible for me if we couldn't afford it. I am an English major so getting a job within this field of study generally requires a Master's at least.

I have extensively told him how important it is for me to finish my degree and how much I really want to go to grad school. If I don't get my degree I don't have a chance of getting a good job in the future. It is important for me to get a job as staying home as a mother is not an option for me (I cannot have children--husband does not want to adopt).

I'm not really sure what to do? I feel really trapped in what I can do with my life because my husband will be doing everything before me-- graduating from grad school, finding a job. My future rests with his decisions, but he doesn't stop to see just how much these decisions affect me. What I do with my life is literally dependent upon his decisions. This does not apply to him in the same way though.

I talked to my Bishop and he mentioned that perhaps if I was able to find a way to go to grad school or even to finish my degree, my husband and I could live away from each other in order to accomplish this. I was a little surprised by this, but my Bishop told me that it is important for both the husband and wife to be happy, even if that means making sacrifices, such as living in different cities so there is no resentment or regret in the relationship.

I don't know if I could handle living away from my husband. I hate spending the day away from him while he's at school. But what would you do? In terms of the conflicting desires. Although this decision is not yet upon us in terms of what the future will hold (where my husband gets a job) we have been talking about this. And I always feel like he doesn't care about what I want to do because he always tells me that thinking about school for me isn't important right now.

Confused.

Also: we talked about me potentially going to school wherever we ended up moving. But this still posed a lot of problems. Not all universities have English degrees and there may not be a university in the city that we move to. And requirements differ from university to university so even if I was accepted, I may have more than 1 year to complete which equals more money in loans, etc. Plus, out of state tuition is really expensive and you have to live in the state for at least 1 year in order to qualify for in-state tuition which would mean that I would have to take an additional year off of school.

This has bee stressful.

[Guest]

Fact: We don't have machines that can "Beam me up, Scotty" yet.

So, you and your husband cannot be in two places at the same time unless you do what the bishop says - separate.

So, in all this post all you have said is - "What about me?". You have not considered, "What about him?".

So, you get to decide - what is more important to you - for you to finish school or for him to get a job. Because, if he can't find a job where you are now, you'll be that much farther from a graduate degree because... you won't have money.

In my marriage, we don't think things this way. We don't go - "What about what I want?". There's no place for that in my family. Every decision we make always goes - "What is good for OUR FAMILY?". That's what we signed up for when we got married. So my husband and I both get to put aside what we individually want if it is not good for the family. We clash heads all the time, but in the end, the decision ultimately considers what is good for the family.

A master's degree was important to me too. But I waited until our little family was in a position for me to finish my degree before I pursued it. I finally finished my master's last year - we're going to be celebrating our 15-year anniversary this year. I got my degree 150 miles away from our house. I took classes that had lectures that I can watch online so all I had to do was show up for mid-terms and finals.

Edited September 20, 2012 by anatess

[Leah]

Fact: We don't have machines that can "Beam me up, Scotty" yet.

So, you and your husband cannot be in two places at the same time unless you do what the bishop says - separate.

So, in all this post all you have said is - "What about me?". You have not considered, "What about him?".

So, you get to decide - what is more important to you - for you to finish school or for him to get a job. Because, if he can't find a job where you are now, you'll be that much farther from a graduate degree because... you won't have money.

In my marriage, we don't think things this way. We don't go - "What about what I want?". There's no place for that in my family. Every decision we make always goes - "What is good for OUR FAMILY?". That's what we signed up for when we got married. So my husband and I both get to put aside what we individually want if it is not good for the family. We clash heads all the time, but in the end, the decision ultimately considers what is good for the family.

A master's degree was important to me too. But I waited until our little family was in a position for me to finish my degree before I pursued it. I finally finished my master's last year - we're going to be celebrating our 15-year anniversary this year. I got my degree 150 miles away from our house. I took classes that had lectures that I can watch online so all I had to do was show up for mid-terms and finals.

I think you are being unduly judgmental.

It appears her husband is interested only in HIS needs/wants, his education and is not considering the wife's, yet you are judging her for her desires to complete her education. He has even told her that her schooling is not important.

There is nothing wrong with individuals having needs and wants. Of course, they must place these in the larger context of what is good for the relationship and/or family. But that does not mean they are "wrong" for having these needs or wants. Whether they will admit to it or not, everyone has their own needs and wants. I think the OP IS considering the relationship. She has stated they will not be having children as she cannot have children and her husband won't consider adoption (gee, isn't that about HIS wants?). The OP appears to be looking towards THEIR future, as she won't be raising children. She even went to her bishop to ask his guidance - and while I am perplexed at the advice for married couples to live apart - he appears to have not dismissed her desire for an education as you have, and he knows her and her situation better than anyone here would.

As for your example of waiting until your family was completed to finish your master's....this may have worked for you, but what works for one person does not necessarily work for all, and - again - she has stated that they will not be having a family so this example is irrelevant.

[MorningStar]

I took a break from college for my health too. That break ended up being over 15 years long (so far). Can you guarantee that you will feel up to going back after your break? I don't know the nature of your health problems.

Maybe your husband will get a really awesome job near a school you would love? Big decisions are so hard!

[Guest]

I think you are being unduly judgmental.

It appears her husband is interested only in HIS needs/wants, his education and is not considering the wife's, yet you are judging her for her desires to complete her education. He has even told her that her schooling is not important.

There is nothing wrong with individuals having needs and wants. Of course, they must place these in the larger context of what is good for the relationship and/or family. But that does not mean they are "wrong" for having these needs or wants. Whether they will admit to it or not, everyone has their own needs and wants. I think the OP IS considering the relationship. She has stated they will not be having children as she cannot have children and her husband won't consider adoption (gee, isn't that about HIS wants?). The OP appears to be looking towards THEIR future, as she won't be raising children. She even went to her bishop to ask his guidance - and while I am perplexed at the advice for married couples to live apart - he appears to have not dismissed her desire for an education as you have, and he knows her and her situation better than anyone here would.

As for your example of waiting until your family was completed to finish your master's....this may have worked for you, but what works for one person does not necessarily work for all, and - again - she has stated that they will not be having a family so this example is irrelevant.

You jumped to the wrong conclusion. I never refered to HIS want or HER want. In a marriage it is THE FAMILY'S needs that is to be considered. The FAMILY is both of them - husband and wife together - as they have no children.

A job that supports the family is a lot more important than whatever his wants or her wants are. For example, he may want to have a cushy job greeting people that walks into Wal-mart. That may be his idea of a dream job. If that job doesn't pay the bills to keep the family afloat, it sure wouldn't matter what his dream job is. He'll have to find a better-paying job until such a time that they can live off of a Wal-mart greeter's pay.

It's always bad advice to have couples live apart. But, there was 11 months in my marriage where I had to get a job out of town - so I would drive out on Monday morning and come home on Friday afternoon. I did this so we'll have enough money for my husband to finish his schooling which was important so he can get a career going to support our family. That was before we had children. At that time, being apart 5 days a week was a better option for the good of our family. I quit that job when I found out I was pregnant. The family's priorities changed then.

An advice is just that - advice. Not judgement. My advice is simple - The good of the family trumps the desires of the individuals in the family. And I used my personal experience as an example.

[Guest]

There are so many options now for finishing degrees. I agree that everything needs to be considered, starting with your family's finances, and then with a balance of his wants and your wants. Don't limit yourself to being able to finish your degree there, or even at a bricks-and-mortar school, though. Look into your options thoroughly.

What does he want/expect you to do when he's done with school?

[Leah]

You jumped to the wrong conclusion. I never refered to HIS want or HER want. In a marriage it is THE FAMILY'S needs that is to be considered. The FAMILY is both of them - husband and wife together - as they have no children.

A job that supports the family is a lot more important than whatever his wants or her wants are. For example, he may want to have a cushy job greeting people that walks into Wal-mart. That may be his idea of a dream job. If that job doesn't pay the bills to keep the family afloat, it sure wouldn't matter what his dream job is. He'll have to find a better-paying job until such a time that they can live off of a Wal-mart greeter's pay.

It's always bad advice to have couples live apart. But, there was 11 months in my marriage where I had to get a job out of town - so I would drive out on Monday morning and come home on Friday afternoon. I did this so we'll have enough money for my husband to finish his schooling which was important so he can get a career going to support our family. That was before we had children. At that time, being apart 5 days a week was a better option for the good of our family. I quit that job when I found out I was pregnant. The family's priorities changed then.

An advice is just that - advice. Not judgement. My advice is simple - The good of the family trumps the desires of the individuals in the family. And I used my personal experience as an example.

Yes, you already clearly stated that the famly's needs are what you consider most important. But in doing so, you cast aside her wants/needs, while accomodating the husband's. We have no idea of his plans are actually what is best for the family. Is making more money more important than being close to family? His wants and needs are being considered as they plan together as a family, why is it so objectionable to consider her wants and needs? Why is it necessary to automatically dismiss and condemn them? What if she were actually better able to support them?

A family consists of individuals. Just because two people are married, doesn't mean they see eye-to-eye on everything or have the exact same wants and needs. The point is that working together for the family's needs consists of considering the individual needs and evaluating how that works for the family. The fact that he wants/needs an education and/or a job, doesn't automatically preclude the possible accomodating of her needs as well. She IS part of the family. And what if he is unable to work some day and she is unable to support them because he refused to consider her need for an education? What if he wants further education himself and she needs to have the ability to support the family while he does this, but cannot without completing her education (at least her bachelor's)?

It's neither a crime nor a sin for individuals to have wants and needs. Everyone does. Nor is it wrong to consider what the wife needs, and not just the husband's needs. It seems to me she is looking ahead, trying to figure out how to continue her education while accomodating his needs AND the needs of the family.

As for continuing to bring up arguments that involve pregnancy and/or children...the OP made it clear that she cannot have children and HER HUSBAND does not want to adopt (is that considering the needs of the family or does that simply reflect HIS needs?), so examples with working around pregnancy/children are not really helpful.

What worked for your family is what you chose. Your ways might not be appropriate for others, nor might it be what they choose. It doesn't mean they are wrong.

[Leah]

There are so many options now for finishing degrees. I agree that everything needs to be considered, starting with your family's finances, and then with a balance of his wants and your wants. Don't limit yourself to being able to finish your degree there, or even at a bricks-and-mortar school, though. Look into your options thoroughly.

What does he want/expect you to do when he's done with school?

I got the sense that the OP was simply trying to plan ahead and explore options, since they do not know at this time where they will end up. And she is understandably worried about that, especially considering the fact that they will not be having children.

[Guest]

Yes, you already clearly stated that the famly's needs are what you consider most important. But in doing so, you cast aside her wants/needs, while accomodating the husband's. We have no idea of his plans are actually what is best for the family. Is making more money more important than being close to family? His wants and needs are being considered as they plan together as a family, why is it so objectionable to consider her wants and needs? Why is it necessary to automatically dismiss and condemn them? What if she were actually better able to support them?

A family consists of individuals. Just because two people are married, doesn't mean they see eye-to-eye on everything or have the exact same wants and needs. The point is that working together for the family's needs consists of considering the individual needs and evaluating how that works for the family. The fact that he wants/needs an education and/or a job, doesn't automatically preclude the possible accomodating of her needs as well. She IS part of the family. And what if he is unable to work some day and she is unable to support them because he refused to consider her need for an education? What if he wants further education himself and she needs to have the ability to support the family while he does this, but cannot without completing her education (at least her bachelor's)?

It's neither a crime nor a sin for individuals to have wants and needs. Everyone does. Nor is it wrong to consider what the wife needs, and not just the husband's needs. It seems to me she is looking ahead, trying to figure out how to continue her education while accomodating his needs AND the needs of the family.

As for continuing to bring up arguments that involve pregnancy and/or children...the OP made it clear that she cannot have children and HER HUSBAND does not want to adopt (is that considering the needs of the family or does that simply reflect HIS needs?), so examples with working around pregnancy/children are not really helpful.

What worked for your family is what you chose. Your ways might not be appropriate for others, nor might it be what they choose. It doesn't mean they are wrong.

Her husband is not the one asking for advice. It's her. So, my advice is directed at her, not her husband. You can give advice to the husband and it would be useless because... we don't know what he thinks or what he is doing.

And none of my advice has anything specifically to do with children. I was merely stating how the needs of MY family trumps what I want. My family comprises of a husband and 2 children.

AGAIN... the needs of the family trump the needs of the individual. And that's the only thing I told the OP. What she wants has to be put in context of what the family needs. If the family needs her degree more than his job, then she gets to get a degree and he gets to pick the job that can allow her to do so, even if it means taking the only job available close to her school which could be a greeter at Wal-mart. But if the family needs his job more than her degree, she gets to move to where his job is possible and she gets to find alternative ways to achieve her dream.

If the husband would come here and seek advice, I'd tell him the exact same thing - the needs of the family trumps what HE wants. And a happy wife is part of that family.

Edited September 20, 2012 by anatess