What makes your marriage great - or - what ruined it?

[UT_Mormon]

Need your input:

1- What makes your marriage and relationship so great. What key factors keep it going.

2- If your marriage is on the rocks, or over? What went wrong? Looking back, what would you have done different to save the marriage.

Thanks for your comments. All comments are welcome.

[Guest]

"And I would like him to be more interested in me than he is in himself, and more interested in us than in me."

We always try to put each other's comfort and happiness before our own. I think my husband is better at it than I am, but I've learned a lot by his example. Even more, we put the interest of our marriage and family above everything. Being unselfish and considerate goes a long way.

[Vort]

"And I would like him to be more interested in me than he is in himself, and more interested in us than in me."

Well spoken, Madam Librarian.

[Guest]

Need your input:

1- What makes your marriage and relationship so great. What key factors keep it going.

Great. Hmm... we have our moments, but generally it's great.

In any case. The one factor that keeps it going: We know and accept that none of us are perfect in any way. And we're completely okay with that because we both know we are striving to do our best for each other in the light of our weaknesses.

[skippy740]

What ruined my marriage?

I gave the best side of myself to my work, and let my home life see the worst side of myself... because I was too tired of 'putting on the act' for everybody else who really didn't matter in my life.

Everything else is a symptom of the above.

[applepansy]

Commitment especially during the bad times.

Being best friends even when the love part seems to falter.

Putting each other first. Even when it doesn't feel that way we each know the other one comes first. Because of our current circumstances (raising a grandchild) sometimes my husband feels that he's not first in my thoughts because of my actions. However, I'm guarding his heart and he does understand that is putting him first. Understanding doesn't make is easier.

So... its back to unwavering commitment.

Added: There have been times in 36 years of marriage when our marriage has been broken. It wasn't big things, but the little things that needed to be fixed.

Edited September 28, 2012 by applepansy

[Backroads]

We have a lot of respect for one another. While we try to be our best, we don't put many qualifications on each other. We liked each other enough when we got married, so clearly that works.

We also be sure to keep up on affection.

[Sharky]

They say Love is Blind & that Marriage is an Institution.

Therefore Marriage must be an Institution for the Blind.

First .... Understand Him.

A friend says she asked DH to go get the nurse so she could get an epidural. He responded in the gentlest most loving sincere encouraging voice, "Why, it'll be over in 10-minutes".

She wanted to smack him, she also knew & understood that 4 previous births proved his point & 2nd for the men in his family that was their endearing way of ecouraging, of saying you're doing good almost there just hang in.

#1 thing .... Some "communication codes" & personality traits you will never change in your spouse, so like learning any foriegn language & culture, learn you spouses language.

Second .... Space!

Imagine living the 2 of you in a tiny 1 bedroom apartment. You wouldn't be able to go anywhere that the othern was there.

If one does not tend to their own emtional needs they can not share or help put anothers needs first. A few hours apart, a little time doing your own things, can frequently rejuvinate the ability to meet the others emotional & physical needs.

If he is hunter, let him take a few weekends & go hunting, that might serve as the greatest rejuvination possible & enable him to put more into your needs.

Like vs Love.

Just because you love him/her doesn't mean you always like them. Don't confuse the two. So often couples part because the "Like" was lacking & that was interpreted to be a loss of love.

You will always love your kids, but that doesn't always mean you like them or like what they do. It's no different with your spouse. If the "like" is lacking, try to deterimine why & work to resolve that.

Edited September 28, 2012 by Sharky

[Sharky]

A post thought ....

If you need a mushy card or some flowers sent ... don't be affraid to say that. ""I want .... on Valentines Day."

Simply because you don't hear the words "I Love You' or have the gentle carresses & hugs or hand holding as frequently as you'd like to reassure you of his love for you, doesn't mean the signs of that love aren't present.

Actions do speak volumes that words sometimes just don't convey.

My wife has found comfort in that her car is scraped of the snow & ice/frost & warmed up for her each morning in the winter ... even if she is leaving at 2 AM with only 15-minutes notice.

That's just one example there are many many more .... Kind of that understanding his language thing.

[Dravin]

A post thought ....

If you need a mushy card or some flowers sent ... don't be affraid to say that. ""I want .... on Valentines Day."

Simply because you don't hear the words "I Love You' or have the gentle carresses & hugs or hand holding as frequently as you'd like to reassure you of his love for you, doesn't mean the signs of that love aren't present.

Actions do speak volumes that words sometimes just don't convey.

In that vein it is a good idea to figure out each other's love language, for two reasons:

1) It lets us recognize how the other communicates love allowing us to see that they are saying, "I love you." and how we can best say, "I love you." back.

2) The love language has a flip side in my experience. While it most potently communicates, "I love you!" it also most potently communicates disapproval. It may not be applicable to all of the love languages, at least not in an obvious way, but if someone's love language is words of affirmation then words of repudiation likely sting profoundly.

[MorningStar]

Mr. MorningStar does whatever I tell him to. Works for me!

[Misshalfway]

The very things that have made my marriage hard, have also made my marriage great.

Edited September 28, 2012 by Misshalfway

[Misshalfway]

The very things that have made my marriage hard, have also made my marriage great. Go figure.

[MrShorty]

Recognize that my comments and observations are from my own point of view and are likely not an exhaustive nor thorough analysis of the dynamics in my own or any other marriage.

What went wrong?

lack of sex. Oh, I'm sure there's more to it than that, but, as a marriage counselor might say, this is the presenting problem.

Looking back, what would you have done different to save [improve] the marriage.

Naturally, hindsight is 20/20, so it isn't always a practical way to figure things out. In many ways, it's also a moot point, because there is no "replay" button in real life. That said, some things I wish I could go back and do differently:

1) Try harder to pick up on the sex-positive messages -- especially those about the importance of sex in marriage. I came into marriage with the idea that sex was allowed, but should not be important -- like the icing on a cake. Sex was something that you could do if it happened, but you shouldn't actively seek it out. Sex was something that was supposed to happen naturally and would require no effort to make it happen.

In hindsight, all of these variations on the message are inaccurate. I would want to help myself understand that a good sex life requires effort, needs to be put somewhere on the list of priorities, and is an important part of keeping a strong marriage.

2) I would try to help myself understand the emotional side of sex. As men (especially single men), we tend to talk about sex as a purely physical and selfish thing. While sex certainly is a physical act, there is a significant emotional side to sex. I wish I had entered marriage with at least some thought to how much emotional bonding comes from sex, how emotionally painful continued rejection is.

3) To borrow a comment from Paul at The Generous Husband, "When society tells you at every turn that men are selfish sex crazed monsters, speaking up and saying “I’d like a bit more sex” is difficult. Just wanting more makes you worry you are horrible. " I wish someone had countered this message for me, because it really explains how we fell into a sexless marriage. With kids and other life stresses, her desire waned, and I felt like some "monster" for wanting more sex than she did. So I never asked, never pushed or pressured or otherwise told her that I was sexually frustrated, because, in my mind, this frustration was part of that monster within. It has taken me way too many years to realize that I am not a monster for wanting a healthy sexual relationship with my eternal companion.

4) I might do as Dravin suggested and teach myself a little about Gary Chapman's Love Languages. Love Languages is a simple model for how marriage (and other) relationships can work.

[applepansy]

The very things that have made my marriage hard, have also made my marriage great. Go figure.

Does that have something to do with attitude? :)

[Misshalfway]

Does that have something to do with attitude? :)

Actually no. I think it had more to do with God revealing to me what He was doing inside my partner and I and how He was using our trials. My attitude through the whole thing really hasn't been all that great.

[classylady]

Need your input:

1- What makes your marriage and relationship so great. What key factors keep it going.

2- If your marriage is on the rocks, or over? What went wrong? Looking back, what would you have done different to save the marriage.

Thanks for your comments. All comments are welcome.

What makes my marriage great, is that DH and I are best friends. We can, and do, talk about anything and everything. Commitment to one another, and trying to meet each other's needs are what keeps our marriage going. We have read together the books, "The Five Love Languages", and "His Needs, Her Needs". They have both proven equally helpful. I just wish we had read these books early in our marriage rather than just a two years ago.

What has made our marriage difficult is that DH and I were unevenly yoked when we went into marriage. He was previously married with two young children that he had full custody of. I had never been married. Dealing with the ex-wife has been very difficult, and DH didn't know where to draw the line of appropriate behavior with the ex after he married me. Some of his actions have definitely hurt me, and after 30 years of marriage I still have not been able to heal. When asking Heavenly Father why I haven't been able to find peace with our marriage, I received an answer "That it was impossible to give me the peace I desired because of my husbands actions and continuing actions through the years". (Every 3 or 4 years some new situation would come up with the ex, and unfortunately my husband chose to deal with them in a manner that was hurtful to me and undermined my security in our marriage). We are dealing with these issues. I don't know if I can trust my husband 100 percent that he is "over" his ex, even after all these years.

[mdfxdb]

What can make a marriage work: Knowing that the whole is greater than the individual, complete and total selflessness, unconditional love.

What makes it not work: Selfishness

Most marital problems stem from one party or the other being selfish. Sexual problems, communication problems, ... most of those stem from one party or the other being selfish.

[Misshalfway]

What can make a marriage work: Knowing that the whole is greater than the individual, complete and total selflessness, unconditional love.

What makes it not work: Selfishness

Most marital problems stem from one party or the other being selfish. Sexual problems, communication problems, ... most of those stem from one party or the other being selfish.

All of these "knowing" "complete and totally unselfish" "unconditionally loving" people you refer to. Where are they? Cuz I'm pretty sure they don't exist.

Are they great goals to shoot for? You bet. But most of us just dealing day to day with all the imperfectness. The longer I grapple with all of it, the more I wonder if "getting perfect" isn't so much about acheiving it. It's about how we handle it when neither of us do.

And while I agree that selfishness is a huge contributor, I also think that environmental factors can stress a marriage as much as anything. Like the guy who can have an erection or the death that happens or the pesky mother in law who has no boundaries. It's all stressful but not necessarily a reflection of the deficits in either partners character.

[Misshalfway]

What can make a marriage work: Knowing that the whole is greater than the individual, complete and total selflessness, unconditional love.

What makes it not work: Selfishness

Most marital problems stem from one party or the other being selfish. Sexual problems, communication problems, ... most of those stem from one party or the other being selfish.

Yeah...I can see how striving for perfection really can help things. Letting go of the selfishness is important.

But sometimes I think that it's how we deal with the imperfection in our partners (and ourselves) is what really matters.

[tumbledquartz]

Pray for charity. Try to see your spouse the way Christ sees them. Look for the good, give them the benefit of the doubt. When I did those things, I felt a huge difference.

Unfortunately, my husband didnt want to do any of that - he just wanted me to be perfect. There are two people with agency in a marriage, and no matter how hard you try, it just might not work. But I think if my husband would have done the same thing I've done in this regard, our marriage could have been great.

[MorningStar]

Things that make our marriage great (for reals).

Laughter

Willingness to accept feedback, knowing it is given out of love, concern, etc.

Giving feedback without insults, unpleasant tone, etc. You can get your point across without raising your voice, shrillness, sarcasm, etc.

Service - we are both willing to step up and help each other when things gets overwhelming.

Daily prayer/scripture reading

Quantity/quality time with each other, even if it's just putting the kids to bed and talking to each other

There are things we are still working on. Who knows how great things will be in another 15 years? We have gone through some very hard trials. I labored for a week with our son and then he was admitted to the NICU for a week. My mom told me we were amazing together.

[Palerider]

I always do what Mrs Palerider says or she takes my remote control away....:eek:

[carlimac]

Hard question to answer tonight. (Rough week with another yet ahead.) One little thing that makes our marriage better than it might be otherwise is going on evening walks together to just talk.

One thing that makes it not great is that ...frankly we're two of the most boring people on the planet. We rarely ever do anything fun and when we do, it's still not really very fun to be together. When we do go on a "date" it's usually a drag- can't decide where to go, end up at Sam's Club or the mall just wandering aimlessly. I've begged DH for years to take us on a trip somewhere romantic. Money isn't the issue. We could afford a cruise or a trip to Hawaii. It's that we don't work well together. I can't decide where to go (I get literally overwhelmed with all the choices) and he doesn't plan ahead on anything but work. So we never go. We just stay home and indulge the kids in what they want to do. They run our lives. After they go to bed he watches sports and I get on internet boards. The spark is definitely gone! He's a good man, dedicated father but...mediocrity and complacency have plagued us for a long time. We're just burned out.

[MorningStar]

Grab the reigns, Carlimac! Don't think hard. Just choose a place, tell your husband when you want to go, have him arrange vacation with work, and do it! If we had the money, we would definitely go. Or just give him a list of awesome places and let him choose if it's too hard for you.